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Topics - Alexandra Lost

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General Discussion / Psychosomatic Illness or Systematic Illness
« on: September 26, 2013, 01:46:13 PM »
I suppose there is a possibility that it sped up something that was already occurring with you,  I feel like that is a bit more plausible than
iboga being the sole cause of whatever is going on.  If someone has a blood clot or brain tumor, iboga could speed up the death from said blood clot/tumor.  This is why I  personally wouldn't mention Iboga right away with the neurologist.  I hope everything is okay with you and it isn't a problem that gets worse but I still feel that you can't say for sure Iboga caused it.. It may have caused a condition that was already there to surface or may just be straight up coincidence... maybe not,  but it does seem more likely than you being the sole person that we know of who has suffered this condition from using Iboga and it didn't start immediately afterwards did it?  I would guess not since you were planning on doing it again.

please keep us posted


Along these lines.......
The very first symptoms of many systemic illnesses can be mental/mood related, the mind often knows that something's wrong before the body shows symptoms. I know this personally, in the year before my fiancé was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he experienced a host of psychiatric symptoms including profound depression and a deep sense of fatalism. it was not until later until we realized the true cause of the symptoms.

So, assuming something is really may have started some time ago and may be related to the symptoms that lead you to experiment with ibogaine. Frankly I'd have an easier time taking missjess seriously if I could find something indicating that ANY substance or toxin could cause motor neuron degeneration 3 months after ingestion.

General Discussion / Bobinsana??
« on: August 04, 2013, 03:50:14 PM »
Since I'm on a break from my microdosing, I'm finding that I miss the deep long effortless meditations that I got with the Iboga rootbark. I'm still get good, effective meditations but I miss the experience of being able to clear my brain and get into my headspace for hours at a time.

I may start another microdosing cycle sometime this month but it makes me a little spacey during the day which is a source of stress.

I've been trying to find something that's short acting that I could use to deepen my meditations. I have a lot of constraints.

1. It has to be legal and available in the USA. I don't want to get into the Silk Road/Tor browser/ bitcoin route, it opens up too many temptations I would rather avoid.

2. It has to be in a "ready to use" form. I share a small apartment with my teenaged foster son and I can't grow things or make complex brews. It needs to be discreet.

So, I found this item.

What do you pyschonauts out there think? Any other suggestions?

General Discussion / Bill W and LSD
« on: June 25, 2013, 08:42:04 AM »
I stumbled on this tidbit yesterday.

Apparently Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, believed pretty strongly in the therapeutic use of LSD as a tool for substance abuse recovery

Brief quote from the article

According to the anonymous author of his official biography, Wilson felt LSD "helped him eliminate many barriers erected by the self, or ego, that stand in the way of one's direct experiences of the cosmos and of god". He "thought he might have found something that could make a big difference to the lives of many who still suffered".

And according to Wikipedia, Bill's first conversion, the one that lead to his quitting drinking, came about after a treatment called "The Belladonna Cure"

formula[clarification needed] for Towns-Lambert cure was the deliriant, Atropa belladonna, also called deadly nightshade. The effects of belladonna include delirium, hallucinations, light sensitivity, confusion, and dry mouth.[original research?] The second ingredient in the mixture was another deliriant, Hyoscyamus niger, also known as henbane, hog's bean, or insane root. It contained two alkaloids, hyoscyamine and hyoscine. The third major ingredient was the dried bark or berries of Xanthoxylum Americanum, or prickly ash, added to help with diarrhea and intestinal cramps.[7] The dosage given was determined by the physiologic reaction of each patient. When the face became flushed, the throat dry, and the eyes dilated, the amount of the mixture was reduced or stopped.[8]

The mixture was given every hour, day and night, for nearly 50 hours. The end of the treatment was marked by the abundance of stools and then castor oil was given to the patient as a further purgative.[8] The treatment was also described as 'puke and purge'.[9]
The week following the treatment a diet of a special tonic and simple and easy to digest meals would relax the patient.[11]

Of course, the mainstream "my way or the highway" types at AA Headquarters shut him down and he left the organization he founded.

I really had NO idea. Now I really want to read this guy's biography.

General Discussion / When, exactly, did you become an addict?
« on: June 13, 2013, 08:04:47 PM »
So, can any of you put your finger on exactly when you became an addict? I imagine most of us have addictive personalities to some degree or another, but was it a slow process or was there a defining moment that you can put your finger on?

I was an addict before I ever took any drugs.  Actually It would be more accurate to say that I was addicted before I ever made a conscious decision to take drugs ( I’m coming back to this later).

From about age 10 on, I remember being  fascinated by the “drug culture” and all the stories I would read in Reader’s Digest ,Time and the local paper. I read everything about drugs that I could get my hands on and thought about drugs constantly.  I had every intention of taking drugs as soon as I was old enough to get my hands on some.

I started drinking heavily and smoking pot at 14 and kept it up all through high school. My best friend and I figured out that the best way to keep our habits going was not to let too many people know about them and not to get caught.  We didn’t hang out with the pot head crowd at school and we were generally thought of as good kids. We had a thing going with some pre-med track guys  who had secret habits just like us and we would trade pot for various pharms ( they had after school jobs at a pharmacy). I was the most responsible, most sought after baby-sitter on the block, even though I went through all the medicine cabinets and bedside tables looking for interesting pharms.  I hit those liquor cabinets pretty hard, too.

In college and my early twenties it was mostly just alcohol and weed, with a little MDA now and then. In my late twenties I was heavily involved in the NYC club scene and took lots and lots and lots of cocaine in addition to the alcohol and weed.

After I stopped doing coke, my drinking got insanely heavy… least a pint of hard alcohol a day – usually a pint plus a few bonus drinks and more on weekends.  I realized I was going to kill myself unless I stopped.

And stop I did. I worked it and it worked.  I wrote out all the ways that alcohol was killing me, signed a contract with myself never to touch another drop and put in in an envelope. I wrote the words JUST READ THIS FIRST on the envelope and put it in my bedside table.  For what it’s worth, I have not had an alcoholic drink since Nov 1993…or cocaine either.

For the next 15 or so years I did pretty well, just weed and a little chipping with SAO’s, mostly TY3’s I picked up on-line.  I built a career and started a business. I had a couple of relationships, one lengthy but casual, the next  passionate and intense.

A close friend died of cancer in 2005. Although I never touched any of his meds when he was sick, after he died I began chipping at the leftover methadone pills and opium tincture ( laudanum ). The tincture was particularly alluring – I’m really glad it’s impossible to get.  Still I was successful  at not becoming addicted, although the long acting opiates pushed my buttons a lot harder than the SAO’s.
Then in 2010 I began buying poppy pods on-line  and here I am now.

Now back to the beginning, and to the EXACT moment I believe I became an addict.

The moment happened when I was 9 years old. It was Christmas Eve- 1967, if I’m doing the math right.

My mother sometimes tried very hard to start “family traditions”. One of those traditions was that the family would all sit down together and drink sherry on Christmas Eve, even the kids, even when we were very young.

Also my parents did not like to have to stay up too late on Christmas Eve, so Mom would sometimes give  us a spoonful or so of phenobarbital .

My younger  brother and sister had plotted to stay up late and catch Santa so they were trying to avoid the sherry. They managed to slip me their glasses of sherry without my parents noticing. Then Mom gave me the phenobarbital.

I don’t have really strong conscious memory of the high, probably because at the time I didn't realize that I was "high" and didn't think of what happened as me being stoned or taking drugs. At nine,  I'm not even sure I consciously made the connection between the drink and the medicine and the good feeling. I just a vague memory of fuzziness and lying in bed blissed out. But I think that was it, the moment I became an addict.

Eboka Journals / Microdose Meditation
« on: June 11, 2013, 10:07:12 PM »
I have been microdosing to give me help with a poppy/kratom addiction. I have found that I have an extremely strong reaction to small doses, I get tracers at 300mg and at 600mg the walls start moving.

So I keep the doses  low, especially during the work week.  I’ve been taking about 100mg of root bark each day, usually in the morning. I’m pleased with the results so far, I’ve successfully tapered and been clean for 5 days.

Long meditations and honest self-reflections every evening are at the center of my recovery. I’m determined to reprogram my brain.

I’ve been reading  “The Ego Tunnel: The Science of the Mind and the Myth of the Self” by Thomas Metzinger.

I’m at a place in the book where he’s deconstructing the various layered processes of neurological functioning that combine to make up the self. There’s the layer that perceives the objects around you, a layer that connects the immediate present to the immediate future, the layer that forms the awareness of your position in space, layers that analyze, layers that process and integrate the limbic system……. and the list goes on.

This gave me an inspiration for a meditation. I put on my headphones……music on and lights out……..and began to visualize these layers of consciousness , then I began to isolate them individually and examine each one.  I was feeling the rhythms and oscillations of the neurons and synapses as I glided along the surface of each layer.

Then I went down another layer and felt a jolt of pain that was almost physical. The layer that integrates emotional states with the self was paralyzed with fear. This fear was not a new or recent thing. It went back a long time. And it was fear, not pain- which was a surprise twist. The energy in that layer did not move freely and spontaneously. It was blocked and twisted, and pressures built up and exploded. I tried to rally the  healthy  layers of self to send positive energy as I began to explore the blockages. I got one block at least partially released via a strong sense memory.

Then self-awareness kicked in and I began to document the narrative in my head instead of experiencing it, so I cut the mediation short and went to write it out.

I was not expecting such a productive meditation session since my microdoses have been really low for the past few days, I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping so I cut back to 75mg of root bark  a few days ago.

I’m going to try this one again over the weekend with a 500mg root bark microdose , it could be interesting.

Compost Pile / Coming Clean
« on: June 10, 2013, 09:38:39 AM »
In reading the journals, I am amazed at how many of you enlist the help of your friends and family in your recovery.

My substance abuse problem is my deep dark secret. Absolutely NO ONE that I have met face to face has any idea of what I have been up to and I think most of them would be shocked.

And when I imagine "coming clean" to them, I can't help but think that the reaction would be ........Ooo, guess what....little Ms. Perfect fucked up.

And I can't put my finger on why I would feel this way. I probably have good reason to hide it professionally since this is really a career-breaker, but personally.............

My mother is a 25 year recovering alcoholic. If you ever call the AA hotline she might be the person speaking with you, and she started a program to hold AA meetings in the local jail.  Yet I have myself convinced that she wouldn't understand.
(OK, we have differing opinions on AA and I don't know that I want to "go there").

And I have a close friend that is not only an ex-opiate addict but a spiritual healer, and I can't even bring myself to talk to her about it.

I'm the one that is smart, strong, successful and independent. I don't ask people for help, they ask ME for help. My clients encourage their daughters to grow up to be just like me. This is the dynamic in all my relationships and I'm not sure how to shake that up. I've noticed that when I ask for help, even in small ways, no one can deal with it -- the reaction is along the lines of "if YOU can't figure it out, what do you expect ME to be able to do?"

In reflection, this constant self-reliance is one reason I turned to opiates instead of other people when my coping skills were stressed.

To be honest, I don't know if I'm going to "come clean" this time around, but I am going to start to make an effort to lean on other people instead of chemicals when I am pressured and overwhelmed, and maybe that dynamic will eventually shift.

Introductions / My Birthday, in more ways than one
« on: June 07, 2013, 10:33:33 AM »
Today is my 56th birthday.
I went through a lot of loss between 2000 and 2005. Sister, father, grandmother and business partner/intense, complex and ultimately tragic romantic relationship.  And, as an NYC girl, I’m counting 9/11…….there was a period of time when I didn’t trust floors not to fall out from under me. It was a lot to process in a short time and I just smoothed a lot of it over and carried on.

In 2008 the tide went out and my worldview crashed and I saw that a system I had believed in had been overtaken by greedy and stupid. My spirit was sick.

The free-floating anger was overtaking me and hormonal fluctuations weren’t helping either. I was always angry, irritated and fatigued and I couldn’t get up in the morning. My brain stopped working properly and tasks that used to be easy became difficult which gave me lots of anxiety.  I was taking a low dosage Prozac which helped a little but not much.  I began supplementing  with  poppy pod tea, if I sipped at a thermos of the stuff I could get through the day and feel good.  After about 8 months I tapered off by using kratom………but after 2 or 3 months of that I bought more pods. For the next few years I continued this roller coaster. A little less than a year ago I tried to quit completely  by doing a slow taper of the poppies.

I managed to taper down to about a rounded teaspoon of ground poppy pods a day but I was still using  4-6 grams of kratom a day, and I got stuck there. Every time I tried to taper further I felt so bad I couldn’t get up in the morning and function and there was always a reason not to cut back THIS this week……………my place of business got wrecked during Sandy, I went through a long period where I had to work 12 hour days just to keep up..etc, etc.

I was still careful not to INCREASE the doses……… so the small doses became less effective. This made it even harder to commit to tapering further.

Then I discovered Iboga.  I considered a flood treatment but I couldn’t figure out how to get a sitter and get away for a stress-free week. I probably could get away for a week but I would be incredibly stressed out worrying about my foster kid and my business, and for legal reasons I was hesitant to ask my any of my friends to sit with me.  I also thought the flood doses IWorld recommended were frightfully high and my profound sensitivity to SSRI’s – I got severe facial pain, neck pain and headaches if I used more than 15mg of Prozac a day, -- was a deep concern. So I e-mailed back and forth with them and they recommended microdosing.

Now I am an old hand at the art of microdosing because of years keeping my low dose Prozac balanced.  I used a liquid version and developed a good sense of how many mg’s I needed a day to keep the level constant.
At first I took a 300mg capsule of RB daily for about 5 days. The first few days were incredible but that’s just my body chemistry and I knew it wouldn’t last………..I get the same rush the first few days after I began taking an SSRI  and I know it’s not an indication of the long term effects….but it gave me a nice little window . After 5 days the drug had built up so I stopped for a day then dropped down to 50mg a day. ( I open the capsules and pour a little it into an empty gelcap, eyeballing the amount).

By now the euphoric effects had stopped, but I still felt good.

I stopped the low Prozac doses right after I ordered the RB and took half my usual poppy/kratom doses the first 5 days and I continued to taper. After 5 days or so at 50mg I began to build the RB dose again, now it’s about 100mg a day.  My poppy kratom use was minimal the 5 days and I took nothing yesterday—the taper is complete.

I have been doing  meditations every evening…I found that putting on some soft lyrical music and letting my mind open up took me to some amazing places .At first I tried with classical and then spa music but it didn’t resonate with me but my favorite ballads keep me in the right frame of mind – I think everyone has music that “speaks” to them.  I began to see my psyche as a tangled knot of jewelry chains and I began to try to work out the tangles. Some nights I had some really amazing relevations that let me let go of a lot of guilt and baggage and some nights there were no major discoveries. I have made a lot of progress in the past few weeks, up until two weeks ago  was blaming my drug problem on menopause and it was only my self-examination that led me to the true causes. I am also working on reinforcing positive thought patterns and keeping my thoughts out of the well-traveled rutted roads of negative thoughts. The negative thought patterns are like a rutted road and the “wheels” of your thoughts naturally settle into the well-worn ruts unless you try to keep them out then blaze new paths along positive lines.

And I took the big step, I went through my apartment and threw out everything ---all the pods, seeds and about 12 ounces of Kratom capsules. To me this was the key………..the emergency stash is just a slip waiting to happen and I know how the addict mind works.

Now I have to heal my spirit and build a different, gentler life. I’m real good at having the courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference but I’m a little weak in the serenity to accept the things I can’t change department so I’ve got my work cut out for me.

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