I've been fighting H addiction for more years than i'd like to admit to...It's shameful. It was/has been a constant revolving door of hell. I'd get clean, start feeling well...then lapse. over and over and over and over. Then I got addicted to Subs.. They are worse. Until about a month and a half ago, I also was on Lithium 3x a day, mood stabilizers, anti depressants, sleeping pills, and 3mg of benzos daily, for anxiety. I have spent years as a walking shell of emptiness, constantly trying to run from sickness.
Several months ago, I started to wean myself from subs....My intent was to get my body and mind prepared to flood. I finally reached the point of REALLY wanting to be free of addiction, free from mental illness, and be reborn. Everything was on schedule, until out of nowhere my Husband objects to it, refuses to have anything to do with it. Objecting so sternly, that he's threatened to leave if I follow through. It pains me because I don't think he understands where I am, how ill I am, and how desperately I want to squash all of my illnesses and addictions.
To attempt compromise, I rode out WD the hard way. When I started to feel somewhat functional, we left town for 2 weeks. I went to see the ocean for the first time. It cleansed me. I have felt completely changed by the power of the great waters. I came back a different person, free of all Psychiatric meds, except benzos and free of opiates.
I vowed to not wash the sea water out of my hair or brush it until I get back to a warm coast permanently. It's starting to dread like crazy. A Jamaican woman once told me years ago that one must dread in their heart, before dreading on the head. I never quite understood what she meant, until now. Through medicinal use of Earth's gifts, I've managed to stay on the righteous path.....
UNTIL NOW. Today I am clean 30 days. Though, I'm without the medicine that I've been using to keep me focused and on the straight and narrow. Triggers are at every turn for me. I'm scared to death that I'm going to end up caving in and lapse today. This isn't what I want. In fact, the mere thought of it makes me feel gross, dirty, and sick inside. For reasons that I do not understand, WD symptoms that I haven't felt in weeks are in full force today....like being dragged down by the stone.
For some, it's easy to walk out of the revolving door forever. For me, I'm still waiting to see if I'm going to make it out alive. Yesterday, I felt on top of the World and free. I boasted about it. I was feeling grateful, at peace with myself and content. Today, I've done a 180. The needle apparently still has it's hooks in me. It makes me cry. I've been doing so well....it really is a one minute at a time, one day at a time battle. One that I want to be over. I'm tired of fighting. It's taken everything from me, including myself.....
I'm hoping and praying for a miracle.....or a change of opinion/better understanding on the matter from my Husband....To sum up, as a person who has quit and got sucked back in more times than can be counted, it's different for everyone. Some are lucky and can escape the grip. For those, like myself, it's hard to say if the cravings ever really completely leave. Mine have not.....However, these words are coming from a woman who is sick as hell and has a Husband that is forbidding me to get the treatment I desire and need. Which changes everything.....