Author Topic: My microdosing progress  (Read 10375 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2016, 06:44:49 AM »
Ddraig, thanks. I definitely identify with being a victim. With me it's huge. I have a  "just shut up and take it" mentality. It's one reason that I'm going to do the flood. I have so much pain trapped in me that I'm almost surprised I haven't gotten cancer or something similar from all the inner stress yet. But I can't be around anyone at the time. After the breakdown I was only left with about two friends (who remind me of the overly analytical part of myself too much and I fall under that influence way too easily) and my parents and sister (who make me want to slit my throat when I'm around them, literally). My ex boyfriend won't see me anymore. For a good reason. When we were together I could only feel real love when we were together alone for longer periods of time, physically and all. Also, mushrooms helped. When I went abroad for 5 months, my body just decided to shut that down. I still somehow knew that I loved him but I couldn't feel it. It was horrifying. And all the repressed sh*t in my head started to pour out (I think that love helped keep it down before) and I just fell apart. I didn't know what I was feeling 99% of the time. We had a really strong bond and all he could do is watch me become more and more uncaring and horrible to him. It's my biggest regret, he's a beyond wonderful person and our true selves fit together beyond anything I've ever expected to experience in my life. In a very soulmatey way. But I've forced him to stop loving me. And the guilt and regret would be tearing me apart if I was able to actually feel, but I'm quite empty.

And I've realized that other then with my ex, I'm very much unable to feel love and have been like this my whole life. It's the cause of most of my pain. The world is garbage without love. Very cold. I can't even "love" a hobby, or hang out with friends. It's why I became so empty and why I feel like I'm trapped in this analytical personality that I feel has nothing to do with me. If were taught how to bond as a child, I would be so so SO different as a person. When I get short flashes of love it's like a dr jekyll/mr hyde situation. I'm someone warm and fun, not cold and overthinking.

And I had something like that with my ex. Not so much the bpd stuff, but we'd both have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and kindof wallow in there. I guess we both have problems with feeling like a victim. Though my issues are waay worse than his.

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2016, 06:58:41 AM »
Also, about my microdosing - I think it's gonna take a flood to clear out what it's brought up. Realized that two and a half decades of extremely messed up mentality won't clear out that easily. Though it's interesting to see what it's bringing up. I feel incredibly numb and don't care about absolutely anything. I could lie in bed all day every and do nothing (which is what I'm doing). I remember now that most of my childhood was like this. Can't see now how nobody noticed and thought that it was normal. Ah well, clueless parents. What do you do when you realize that 95% of your life has been extremely dysfunctional? If Iboga were to clear out my trauma, it would have to clear out my whole life. Then I'm left with hardly anything. Which is not all that different from my life right now.

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2016, 10:51:31 AM »
Yes, many people in the world, have issues to work through. Many of us here have had the great opportunity, thanks to papa iboga, to finally start maturing and grow up and be who we really are. There is a reason that indigenous people and older cultures around the world had a rite-of-passage for adolescents, its stuff pertaining to the heart, and a larger picture of things.. Something imo, lacking in modern society.

Iboga will definitely help clear out a ton of trauma. The flood is a full on reset and new start. You have to be ready to let go of old identities though and move on into new unknown territory of the heart. Sounds like you are. I microdosed last night after a long time, just a gram, and there is nothing like this for me. Sort of got into some old habits recently, and got some major processing down and insight/connections. Its like its coming from a higher source. I find having a good therapist, allows me to share my insights from iboga with them from my journal, which can sometimes add further refinement, but this is not essential, since everything is brought up to be processed by the medicine.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 02:01:44 PM by ddraig »

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #33 on: February 15, 2016, 11:29:51 AM »
I've noticed something about my microdosing too (it's day 24 of microdosing I think). Most of the time it feels like it's either doing nothing or I just feel "odd" for a while before I start noticing that it actually IS doing something to me, just very subtle. It's difficult to explain so I won't elaborate too much. Yesterday I couldn't sleep and I got this odd feeling that wasn't like receiving visions, it was just like my thoughts being guided in some way. And they had a flavor. The flavor of old slavic cartoons that I watched as a very small child. Then I could clearly see a huge sinkhole in the middle of the ocean with water cascading and taking trash down with it. Could be that I'm just influenced by reading too many Iboga trip reports but this was pretty close to what I've read so far about "taking out the garbage". The amount of the extract I take doesn't seem to influence it, it happens almost randomly. Maybe I'd have better results with actual rootbark.

And with me it's not so much a question of whether to let go of old identities.. Since I don't really have any. My life so far has been very empty so I hope that Iboga could take me past that. Hoping that I could somehow get past all the emptiness and the life that I've missed while other people were busy living theirs.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 12:07:36 PM by Muschae »

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2016, 12:28:26 PM »
I feel like this higher source, which I call papa iboga, will use whatever means to communicate with us. I found in my microdosing journey last night,and in times before, that symbols are used from things I was experiencing earlier in the day or week (like from media I was interacting with) or from my past, to very succinctly give insight to my consciousness. Usually with a sense of humor to it! Getting to see how silly I was to be so serious etc... or how something very profound and emotional from childhood. Heartful gut laughter and yawning are usually signs to me that I'm processing/purging things.

After a full flood experience, you may get more out of microdosing.

I'm still processing from last night, and felt the need to check out Mary Shutan's blog this morning, and this article which coincidentally (or not!) perfectly covered the exact themes in my journey last night: http://maryshutan.com/the-mothering-wound-and-the-infant-self/

which you might get something from.

I basically was given more awareness of, and processed, a lot of spiteful anger I still kept in my subconscious at my mother from very very young years (like younger than 3) which came out in different ways (which Mary's article succinctly describes), much of it ultimately self-sabotaging. A example is, when things go real well for me, like my current job is truly a blessing, I have a cool manager, flexible hours, so many positives etc.., I will sometimes find a way to get in late enough times (despite the flexi hours!) to create some type of drama. I was shown clearly how this goes back to my unresolved anger towards my mother (authoritarian figures like managers and the place of work itself take the place of providers right?). My self-sabotaging behavior and frustration at my mother was shown to me as myself as a baby boy, spending much time constructing a train set, then breaking it all apart, literally snapping a toy rail in half. Man, I have acted this way (unconsciously mostly) in many relationships in my life. Especially the push-pull dynamics with a perceived 'nemesis' of mine, who I am also grateful for the gifts they brought.

The great thing is, as I've been able to process this stuff over time, my relationship to my mother has improved considerably, and I have much more compassion for her struggles. There is no doubt in my mind that both parents loved me, they just struggled with their own shit and did not know how to parent. And iboga gets me to see that it is not about my mother, or blaming her, it is about me, and my behaviors and taking responsibility, where true freedom is.  Sorry, dont mean to hijack your own thread, just wanted to relate :-)


So yes, Iboga will help process and integrate these issues, it is exceptional for that, just I recommend not having too many expectations for you own flood journey, based on other reports. Focus on yourself. We all get what we need at the time.

EDIT: also wanted to add, that a lot of this anger came from not being able to be myself or be validated (unconditionally loved) adequately, by 2 parents who struggled with their own authenticity, despite both having many great qualities. So the anger and self sabotage are like symptoms and are related to people pleasing/passive aggressive behaviors, other symptoms of surviving not thriving. Living a life disconnected from heart/true purpose is exhausting as well, probably why many of us came on this path.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 01:10:49 PM by ddraig »

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #35 on: February 15, 2016, 01:46:33 PM »
Wow, you reminded me of how I've come across this not long ago: http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/bonding.htm About 95% of what's written there is how I've been living my life. Since I first read it a few weeks ago, some things about me have just fallen into place. Your link is very similar to what's written in mine.

Thanks for all this btw. I don't think you're hijacking the thread.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 02:04:35 PM by Muschae »

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #36 on: February 15, 2016, 02:17:05 PM »
And thanks for the link. Though I've realized that reading these kinds of things is just one more thing that this "analytical" part of me (that I'm trying to let go as much as I can) uses to get away from really living life. If I were to go outside now I would just analyze everyone I meet in terms of what I've read and not feel connected. It's a curse, really. Sometimes I just want to get drunk with people and do silly things instead of analyzing.

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #37 on: February 15, 2016, 02:42:20 PM »
Thanks for that great article. :) I still struggle with bonding with other people, too much perceived risk of showing my true colors, but that has lessened considerably. Part of it is, also, I no longer want to 'bond' with some of my older acquaintances in the same way anymore.

His Can This Bonding Wound be "Cured"? is pretty much spot on, like the rest of the article. We can definitely heal, though like he says, cure is an inappropriate term. Our past experiences make us who we are. I liked what an fellow in my old AA meeting related. That when you stitch a sock back together, it is stronger than the original sock.

12 steps groups can sometimes get a bad rep, since the inspired spiritual principles related by the originator AA's Bill W., easily get misconstrued by people that have not experienced the states he talks about. Many people in AA lead relatively happy lives making AA the higher power, imo, not fully getting the freedom that Bill W. was talking about. Working the 12 steps after my flood was very beneficial for me, since I saw how Bill W.s words re-iterated what iboga showed me. Also, 12 step meetings are great way to connect and practice connecting with fellows in an unconditional way which really I am so grateful for. I think its good, in recovery, at least initially to have commitments to keep me going week to week, day to day even. In some ways, doing the steps for me, is similar to rite-of-passage rituals and taking certain entheogens. Its an ego-deflation process, to help see a bigger picture with a great reward at the end of it, and so many gems, like learning how to be disciplined pragmatically in looking after yourself spiritually day to day, which I still neglect (something good rarely comes easy). If you do not have to deal with substance abuse at first, I really recommend the 12 step grandchild of AA: Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunction Families. Some people who do AA/NA first, go onto second stage recovery to deal with family of origin issues, which this program is inspired for and I can see a lot of people in my old AA home group who might benefit from doing this work. http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

btw, yes, I get the over-analyzing. I still catch myself analyzing/over-thinking when I am stressed and not looking after myself. Actually last night, I was shown myself comically gibbering rationalizations to myself , which caused me to LOL. :-) The message was, stop talking and LIVE. :-)
Definitely have a plan ready for post-flood, change of diet, exercise, doing that something you always wanted to do etc... :-) 
« Last Edit: February 15, 2016, 03:13:56 PM by ddraig »

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #38 on: February 15, 2016, 03:22:18 PM »
Do you think there's a possibility of doing a complete personality revamp after the flood? I know you talk about healing slowly and doing things step by step etc. But I've come to the conclusion that I have just ONE huge block, keeping me from who I want to be. It's the lack of love. I've been through so much therapy and self help books and meditation and yoga etc etc... that I know that DOING things doesn't cut it for me. I've spent the last ten years trying to "do" things, and I think all of what I've done would have helped me a lot if I was just able to feel love, that's all. For me it doesn't help to do things, because I'm so disconnected from myself that I don't know if the real me would ever do them, all the doing just feels completely empty.

All I know is that when I get those very brief "flashes" of love, the first thing that happens is a flood of regret. Regret for how I've lived and treated people because I wasn't able to see that they deserve to be treated well. Then the next thing is regret for wasting my life completely, because I never was able to connect with anyone (only my ex boyfriend for a while, that's all). Then the realization comes - I'm really a very simple and very hm, buoyant person I guess. The kind of person that would never "waste" time in forums like this because I'd be too busy being outside having a life. Going out, traveling, meeting people, making things, always pushing my boundaries by dunno, organizing LSD orgies or something (just an example, dunno if I'd be any good at it :D).

It feels like this lack of love is almost all that's holding me back, because not only am I unable to connect with people, I can't connect with interests either. I'm just not allowed. Nothing really comes through to me. I'm empty. I'm not exaggerating, I literally don't give a sh*t about anything other than coldly analyzing everything and that analyzing tricks me into thinking I have a personality. Just because I've taken other people's opinions and analyzed what the best, safest version of those opinions is so I can act like that's my own opinion. But there's no input from the real me, no actual like or dislike involved most of the time. Just doing whatever the most "acceptable" citizens are doing. I'm dead inside.

And when love comes, it's like I get myself back. It's like I'm allowed to be myself for the first time ever. And this personality is so different from my usual robotic everyday self that I'm not surprised I spent my whole life in so much pain. It's like putting the soul of a bohemian into the mind of an accountant and the accountant calls all the shots.

Don't know if this makes any sense to you at all. I just feel like I'm one flick of a switch away from being human. I just hope Iboga can help.

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2016, 02:06:21 AM »
"Do you think there's a possibility of doing a complete personality revamp after the flood? "
Not sure what you mean by this, but a flood gives a reset, yes. For me that was like literally being born again. Its like me, but with all the negative thoughts forms and jadedness scrubbed off. Its a great chance at a new start. For me, like others, it changed me for the positive, reconnected me to my heart. I believe that this plant can work wonders when you work with it. Saying that, life will go on after the flood, and what was experienced in the flood, will be a great guide for the future. in actuality, things shown to me clearly in my flood, which I forgot, due to sometimes going back to old habits, I found out the long way, were spot on. But I think iboga teaches us how to live, then it is up to us to do it. Just my opinion from my own experience, so dont take it as official. Your experience may be wonderfully far different than mine.
Wish you all the best Muschae.

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2016, 10:49:52 AM »
Thank you. I really wish for that reset. But I know it's different for everyone. I hope you don't mind, just a few more questions from me. If you become reset how come then it's possible to go back to old habits? Don't you lose that desire for self destructive behavior? Or does it take a lot of work to keep that fresh mindset?
For example, if you had a traumatic memory that made you feel you are somehow not worthy of good things and Iboga scrubbed it away, why would you still go back to behavior that you developed because of that particular trauma?
« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 11:17:50 AM by Muschae »

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #41 on: February 16, 2016, 12:14:17 PM »
good questions. Im not sure that I can answer, but will give my take.
There is a period called the iboglow after a flood,and I will get this to a degree also right after when I microdose after not doing it for a long time. The day after the flood I had no taste for processed food (it tasted horrible to me, and I knew it was not good), only wanted fresh fruit and vegetables.  I then chose to go back to the habit of eating food not as healthy for me, even though it did not taste the same anymore. I also chose to drink coffee again, even though I had no need to. Eventually processed food tasted OK again. Its the same with how I chose to respond to old situations, and not making the changes that iboga showed me I could make. Iboga opened up doors that I couldnt see before, it is up to me to step through them. It is not a magic bullet to solve all my problems.
I have read that the brain is plastic, that new pathways can get formed all throughout life, which I have read iboga can help form. But it requires effort in changing old habits after the iboglow has gone to keep creating/reinforcing these new pathways. Thats why during the iboglow, is a great time to use to really start anew and get things going. I have also read that early trauma and experiences/environment affect how the amygdala gets wired and sets up years of thoughts and behaviors that also probably create pathways in the brain, like a feed back loop. That's a lot of wiring that goes back to earliest years. That's a lot of emotional memory, that I can now choose better how to deal with and heal from. But the good news is that we can heal, transform and change.

I found that iboga gave me exactly everything I needed to go forward with. Dont worry, I think you are overthinking it. I will tell you this though, if you want to take it to feel better, then just go back to the old way of life, that is what you will get. Iboga made my old life style by and large no longer interesting to me, but I am still human and a work in progress, and still had much work to ahead of me to keep healing, but it gets easier and easier. 

EDIT: long story short, my life post-iboga compared to pre-iboga is like night and day. And things I have tried post-iboga, I wouldnt of been open to before, have generally only made it better. But again, life goes on, and gives lessons, painful choices etc... trusting your gut vs the fears of the ego, failing at it, but not beating yourself up. etc.. etc...


« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 12:22:02 PM by ddraig »

Offline Muschae

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 56
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #42 on: February 16, 2016, 01:34:05 PM »
Okay, thanks. I guess that I'm worried that even if I could get reset, all of it would go away after it wears off. Like I said, I've been improving my life for a decade now, but haven't really felt any emotional improvement, so it's not a problem of motivation. My head and memories and feelings are all tied up in knots that just make life not worth living, that's the problem. I don't know why exactly that is. And yes, I'm overthinking this, as always :)

But if I got to somehow clear my head from all the self-hatred and regret that would be more than enough, amazing even.

Offline ddraig

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #43 on: February 16, 2016, 05:31:03 PM »
Yes, I can say that a flood would most definitely clear the head! :-)

Offline RhythmSpring

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 461
    • View Profile
Re: My microdosing progress
« Reply #44 on: February 17, 2016, 09:40:50 AM »
Yes, I can say that a flood would most definitely clear the head! :-)

I would replace "most definitely" with "probably," or even "possibly." It's not a sure thing. There are a lot of factors that play into the success of a flood, including the sitter, the setting, one's diet, presence of cool water (important!), etc. But yes, it is important to be optimistic.