Author Topic: Experience the last few years with Iboga  (Read 2799 times)

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Offline ravipops

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Experience the last few years with Iboga
« on: August 03, 2017, 10:33:53 AM »
Hello Everyone,

I’m grateful to have found this community and to have an opportunity to share my experiences with iboga, addiction recovery, and healing.  I would love to receive any insights or questions that anyone has.  I’ve had a lot of resistance to writing about my experiences so I’m going to try my best to be as truthful and complete as I can.  The last four years since my flood dose have had a lot of beauty, doubt, clarity and everything in between. 

About four years ago I entered a sober living home after completing a 30 day rehab program.  I was miserable and lost and started using the day I got to the home.  I was caught about three weeks later and rather than kicking me out, the head of the house showed me compassion and helped me sell my belongings and transported me to Mexico to undergo a flood dose in a lovely clinic.  The beginning of my experience was characterized by horrific open eyed visions increasing in intensity until something broke inside me and the contraction from the fear stopped.  The next thing I remember was leaving my body and being shown the forest.  The birth of life in the forest was shown as fairy-like spirits making love in doing so giving life to the growth. I was shown the cycles of birth and decay recurring endlessly.  The next thing I remember was waking up in my bed with all of my withdrawal symptoms gone and in a very ecstatic state.  My body was very weak and thin but I felt strong and positive about building a new way.

After a few hours I was able to get up and walk around a bit.  I felt as though I had rediscovered an original pure state of humanity.  I had no concept of the fear or self hatred that had pervaded my life.  I remember sitting down to eat a meal and feeling every organ secreting chemicals into the food and pumping the nutrients through my veins with the most incredible euphoria.  I remember walking out to the sea and being brought to my knees with the beauty and somatic connection to the life breathing out of the ocean.  I spent the rest of the day mostly to myself in a very beautiful state of peace.  I was able to see and feel the earth as the wild paradise that it is.   When night came again I had a very difficult terrifying experience that is very difficult to explain.  How I can explain it in this moment is an experience of a grand lord of the universe who was able to live in the most opulent blissful palace for the price of the obliteration of the universe.  He was allowed to live there for a time period of infinity -1 and I had the experience of that ending (would love any insight on this or similar experiences).  After this I freaked out banging on the doors of the nurses and doctors asking them why they didn’t tell me about the horrible event of the obliteration of the universe and they gave me a few benzos and put me to bed. 

After this I had a general feeling of positivity and I moved back to the sober living house.  The afterglow of the experience lasted to some extent for about 3 months. I noticed also that I was still experiencing some hallucinogenic effects (shimmering surfaces, sensitivity to light, buzzing in the ears).  During that time I had the motivation to eat very healthy and was not even attracted to foods like chocolate or coffee.  Gradually I became more depressed and started again with some unhealthy habits like eating fast food, drinking alcohol, or dissociating myself from reality with movies.  I felt lost, my addiction had turned my whole family away from me and with no education or skills, the only job I could get was working as a cook in a kitchen.   I was very deeply moved by my experience and I feel I began grasping after it by taking small doses of root bark, TA, and HCL quite often.  I feel I was deluding myself into thinking I was healing when I was actually turning my addictive behavior to iboga.  I was very confused as to why things were not unraveling for me since I felt what I thought was a real spiritual presence and guidance in the plant.  I took another near flood dose about 6-8 months after my first this time with TA and had a very similar experience.  The more I used Iboga, the more I started getting harsh messages from it that I wasn’t deserving or capable of understanding of the sacred healing it could offer and that I was desecrating it.  This was very upsetting for me and I could not understand how to live in a way that I could open myself up to growth or healing. 

Soon after this I met a healer who I was very impressed with and who I have now been living with for 3 years.  I had a very deep instant connection with her and I have since got to experience many communities, countries, people, and places all over the world although I feel I am still not living functionally or in integrity.  I feel that my experiences over the last few years have given me the context to see the fundamental laziness, entitlement, and dishonesty in me that the Iboga was scolding me for years ago.  I relapsed about 18 months ago and have been assisting in healing work while being addicted to opiates.  What triggered this relapse is a growing feeling of weakness and pain in my body.  This coupled with the persisting iboga visual perceptions makes me feel like either the substance is still in my body trying to help me get on track after all these years, or it started a self destruction sequence after deeming me incapable or unworthy.  I have used the amazonian medicinal brew everybody knows about 150-200 times in the past years and have many times felt reconnected to the plant mind of the iboga and its teachings.  I feel I receive similar teachings from the other plant but in a more compassionate and allowing way.  I have resisted learning in every way I possibly could and have poisoned my body in horrible life threatening ways. 

I’m now clean about 9 days.  I would love to hear anyones perspective regarding navigating the states of these sacred plants especially regarding using the power of truth to unravel the self and to connect to divinity.  I feel drawn to do another flood dose but I don’t think it is wise considering the HPPD or whatever you want to call it that is still around after 3 years.  I take a little bit every now and again and all I experience is a wrath followed by the communication closing off. 

Update: since I wrote this I am now relapsed about 2 months unfortunately I can't use Iboga

Offline RhythmSpring

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Re: Experience the last few years with Iboga
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2017, 06:16:54 PM »
It seems to be a common experience for, in the flood, after the very blissful part of the experience, to have a kind of fucked up/horrific experience. Not everyone experiences this, and the reasons for it may vary.

I experienced it as having a dream in which I was being shot in the eyes / psychically raped in the eyes, with the promise that I would now suffer for eternity. I remember panicking and slamming hard down on my desk until my sitter came. The Tea Fairie experienced it as a vivid vision of her scratching out her eyeballs into a bloody pulp. Both mine and her visions recurred 2 or 3 times.

Insight... I dunno. I consider any and all strange experiences to be part of a grander re-balancing process. If you stayed too much in la-la land, would you get anything done? How grounded would you be?

We are humans. The fate of the universe is not ours to worry about.