Author Topic: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues  (Read 3782 times)

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Offline Muschae

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Hey everybody,

I'm new here and wanted to ask some specific questions that I haven't really found answered on this forum yet.
I started microdosing yesterday (two drops from Maya Ethnobotanicals TA tincture) for my mental health issues.
For basically the last 15 years (I'm 25), I've noticed  that I don't feel nearly as okay as other people seem to feel mentally(understatement). It started out with feeling extremely sad for apparently no reason and continued with general anxiety and panic attacks and just generally feeling low. I've always felt like I'm looking at the world from behind a glass wall, almost completely unable to connect with other people (which was not helped at all by having parents who intentionally isolated me from people my age as to not pick up "bad influences"). I called these feelings depression, because I didn't know what else to call them, but really what I felt was despair and emptiness. I tried many antidepressants and other meds, spent a month in a mental hospital (at 18), tried yoga, meditation, therapy, just sucking it up and going out etc... Nothing helped. I continued to feel like I'm empty on the inside, like I have no personality.

Well I thought that maybe I'll get a handle on it last year through therapy, but what happened is that I just took my therapist's advice and suppressed my bad feelings instead of processing. And while I had a period where I felt better than before, it all exploded in my face and I had a severe nervous breakdown about 7 months ago. It was a horrible breakdown where I only wanted to die for months and months, completely wrecked my romantic relationship and basically isolated myself completely again. I still feel like sh*t. But I did realize a few things:
1. I'm not "depressed", there is nothing wrong with my brain chemistry, I don't need meds(been off them for years)
2. My feelings stem from childhood trauma
3. Because my parents never allowed me to be myself, I kind of "disassociated" and created a fake personality that does everything they want from me (probably as a quite young child). My real self became suffocated behind this personality and I felt more and more horrible with each passing year because I could never connect with people through this fake self.
4. This personality is still the "boss" in my life and only allows me short flashes of who I really am here and there. Living like this is horrifying. The "other" me isn't really too capable of feeling how to treat others (quite numb in this way) so it completely wrecked my wonderful ex boyfriend emotionally and the real me is horrified over what I/we did.


I've scheduled an Iboga flood in July but wanted to try microdosing first to see how it affects me on a smaller scale. So far it only made me feel numbed out yesterday evening and this morning. But it's only been one day so I'll keep trying for a week at least.

My questions:
Do you think that a flood could be beneficial for me & does anyone here have experience with a similar situation? I know that it could potentially harm me mentally, but my life is sh*t already, so I'm kind of at the end of my rope here.

Do you think that a full on flood dose that leaves me completely without control could maybe be more beneficial than microdosing where I'm guessing that "the other me" is still trying to control the process somehow?

I've read a few threads on here that talk about dissociation, but I didn't see anything quite like my problem so I'm not sure if the warnings there apply... All I know is that when I get a flash of the "real me", that real me looks perfectly fine, like it's been "out there" for the whole 25 years and is able to function on its own and has quite a personality and is not at all empty. The problem is that these flashes happen rarely and are accompanied by regret over how I've lived my life and how I've treated people (looks like the real me is completely capable  of feeling the pain of others and feels horrible over "my" behavior).


TLDR:
As a child I kind of disassociated from my true personality to please my parents, now I'm 25 years old and still feel horrible because I can't get my true personality back. I'm trying microdosing hoping it will help but also scheduled a flood in July. Any warnings, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated.

Offline Muschae

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Maybe just to add one more thing:
I probably never would have realized what's happening to me had I not met my ex boyfriend. For some reason when I met him the "real me" guided my other, fake personality into making a relationship with him even though the other personality tried to convince me how he's not smart, educated, intellectual enough for me etc (load of BS). My boyfriend became my "safe" person and through him I started to see facets of myself that I never ever knew were there before! I still very rarely felt completely like myself but my guard was lowered so I felt MUCH more like myself. I now don't feel like that anymore. All the kindness, playfulness, innocence, kinkiness etc.. that he brought out in me feel essentially dead. If I didn't have the memories of myself being like that I wouldn't believe it. The REAL me vs the FAKE me are so intensely different that sometimes it feels like there's a war going on inside my head. 98% of the time, the fake personality wins. I can't live like this anymore. I need to do something to bring myself out of this prison.

Offline ppole

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my advice, if you decide to take a flood dose, before that I suggest you to take a light dose like 2-3-4 grams and ask to the Iboga spirit (like keep repeating in your mind the question) if you can take more, if it is safe for you to take more and wait for an answer (in a dark room)

if the answer is yes, you can take it, the day of the flood (or the same day) take the full dose by incrementals, waiting for instructions from the spirit or his helpers about how much to take and when

before that you can see how microdose affects you, but it could even make symptoms worse ("taking out" hidden stuff)

the quality of the root is fundamental, weak root will require higher doses
« Last Edit: January 24, 2016, 04:30:50 PM by ppole »

Offline Muschae

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Hey, thanks for the advice! I'm not too sure if I'll take it though. I know myself well enough to know my psychological defenses are so high, it's more than likely that they will kick in when on a lower dose of Ibogaine and tell me to not take the higher dose - out of fear. I was actually considering telling my Iboga provider to give me a higher than usual dose in order to "override" any defenses I might put up against it. Not too sure if that is a good idea either...

I'm on my 3rd day of microdosing though and I'm starting to get some weird flashes of what reality would look like without the dissociation in the way. At least that's what I think is happening, it's hard to judge. But it's promising! I'll keep updating this post on what's happening with me. So far it's somewhat uncomfortable (taking out the trash I guess?) but bearable. I'm taking 1-2 drops of Iboga TA extract from Maya Ethnobotanicals btw.

Offline ppole

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mr Iboga told me that is ok mixing microdosing with ubulawu herbs like synaptolepis, silene capensis, Helinus integrifolius, Acacia xanthophloea, rhus pauciflorus etc..
you could try them I think they are synergic and don't do any harm
anyway in my opinion the silene that is shown in photos on maya ethno website doesn't look as silene root to me, waybe it's the stem part of the plants

Offline ppole

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I suggest you to try lower dose first

Offline ryu

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Hi Muschae,

Your in the right company with Iboga. Like you I experienced childhood trauma and like you I created a personality for myself. I created a personality that I thought people would like. It was important that people liked me for I needed their approval to feel well. I feel this was because I didnt get the love and attention one needs from a parent/s. Anyway, all I can tell you is that Iboga will begin to help you see yourself warts and all. It will show you you true self! Its not a magic bullet but it will give you the clarity to see the changes you need to make. There is still plenty of work for me to do but rest assured I KNOW I am finally accepting and loving my own being.

You seem to have alot of self awareness, thats a great asset in helping you heal.

I hope you find your peace. I think you may be on the right track.

Ryu

Offline Muschae

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Ryu, thank you so much for your words, I am so desperate right now...

It might seem like I'm self aware because right now the analytical, "dead" part of me is turned on and analyzes everything and knows how to explain everything neatly, but it is not me! (I'm aware this must sound really crazy to people who have no experience with this)

One of the worst parts of this is that I see myself so rarely that I forget I exist. Like I am completely able to hold down a dead end job, socialize a little with dead end coworkers and because I'm sucked into their everyday lives it makes me feel like I can understand them and like I am like them. But I'm not, I'm a completely different person who needs completely different things in life and this real part of me is just so suffocated that it practically doesn't exist. I actually convince myself that I can "feel" with them but it's just analytical. Just acting socially acceptable. If I'm in a situation like this for long enough I actually forget that I'm like this and start to act like everything is "ok", but this is just the "dead"personality taking over.  And then when I realize that I've been acting "dead" again, it's hell... So much regret and anger.. F*ck, I know all of this sounds really weird...

Offline RhythmSpring

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Muschae, it does not sound weird at all! I can empathize with exactly what you are going through, "dead" parts and all. I've been watching this thread, and I think you are on the right path. To echo ryu, you have a lot of self-awareness, and that is really to your advantage. I think we can only heal things we have awareness of.

It's okay to microdose a little, but I wouldn't go anything above threshold effects. Stay low, with the intention of steering you to the flood, where I think the real healing will be.

~RS

Offline Muschae

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Thanks RhythmSpring, I appreciate your words. I hope I'm on the right path, although it looks pretty hopeless so far. It looks like therapy (that I'm already in) will be a very long and quite possibly unsuccessful process, so Iboga might be my last chance..

microdosing update: it's day 5, and so far I feel even more numb than usual, I'm sleepy all the time and my thoughts are racing and pointlessly analyzing everything (which is nothing new). So far feels like taking an antidepressant for me, practically same effects. I'll continue cause I've felt worse, although the numbness always scares me a bit.

« Last Edit: January 27, 2016, 11:34:14 AM by Muschae »

Offline Muschae

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One more thing that kindof frightens me about a flood is all the suppressed emotions coming back to surface. I know I have a crazy amount of sadness and a huge rage deep inside and I'm afraid how that might come out at the ceremony. I don't want to cause a scene or hurt myself or somebody else. I actually have no idea how to deal with it after the flood either.. Anyone have experience with this? I know that a lifetime of suppressed feelings coming out won't look pretty in any case, I'm just worried that it might be too much for me..

Offline ryu

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Hi Muschae,

Its ok to be frightened. Its a good thing that the emotions come to the surface. Become aware of the breathe during difficult moments. Its important to allow these emotions to come to the surface, be the spectator and allow it to run its course. The Iboga experience is also calming and sedating, its a waking dream. The sedating effects make it easier to deal with the dark moments.In my experience Iboga gives comfort from sadness. Do you meditate? If not it may help to learn it prior to your Iboga session. If so, get some regular practice in.

Iboga doesnt mess around in giving you truths but once its done its work in the ceremony you should find your mind is very quiet. Of course you will reflect on what you experienced but that is your opportunity to learn and Begin Again. The new born feeling is an exciting time. Try not to worry, We cant predict the future so their is no point in being anxious. A little anxiety is healthy and will help you have caution in your prep which I have no doubt you are doing :-)

Partaking Iboga is like wiping the mirror clean. You see your true self, the real you. Alot of us come to Iboga because we are victims of parental and cultural conditioning. We heavily rely on our parents to be a stable force in our lives. Our parents can willingly or unwillingly damage our psyche. Its often not their fault, they learned from the previous generation as that generation did from the one before. Its not your fault either, try to be more forgiving towards yourself. There is hope and when Iboga wipes the slate clean, note what you have learned and seek some form of counselling to help you digest your experience.

:-)

Ryu

 

Offline Muschae

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Hey Ryu. Thanks for explaining this to me. I really want to believe you.

I know that my parents brainwashing me caused me all of these problems. I became a functional zombie with zero personality. I've completely wasted my life living through this fake personality and now I have nothing, I enjoy nothing, nobody loves me, because right now there is none of "me" to love and there hardly ever was. I lie in my bed and cry and wish for death every day. I don't want to get too pathetic, but I'm trying to explain that I'm really at the end of my rope here. I'm in therapy and have been for years but it's not helping. Forgiveness sounds nice but extreme rage is much closer to what I'm feeling when I'm able to feel.
 
I just hope that there is hope and I'm someday able to feel like myself. I've had flashes of "me" before and it was glorious. But I get these flashes a few times a year, and then they go away. Do you think that through Iboga I could somehow extend this and really feel like myself most of the time? It sounds like an impossible fairytale.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2016, 10:16:55 AM by Muschae »

Offline ppole

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Iboga can do a lot of things, more than you think, but your body/brain have to be suitable for his work, so don't go for a full flood directly, take it gradually and ask to the spirit what you have to do, if taking more is ok, in this way you will be safe

the root is very bitter I suggest you to make a simple ethanol extraction it's way cheaper than buying the extract already done
« Last Edit: January 27, 2016, 04:55:23 PM by ppole »

Offline Muschae

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I have one more question for all that are experienced. I was thinking of borrowing some money from my parents and booking an earlier date for the flood. Yes, the parents that I secretly hate. That's what worries me, that Iboga wouldn't take too kindly to me lying and pretending to like someone just to get to the ceremony. I know that I would be ashamed of myself for doing this if I was capable of feeling anything right now. Do you think it's a bad idea to go early or would it be okay?