Author Topic: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues  (Read 4169 times)

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Offline ppole

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I don't know what is the best thing to do

Offline Muschae

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Thanks anyway :)

Offline Muschae

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I'm copying some of my microdosing thread here and adding a few things if anyone is interested.

-Day 8: I don't know what's happening but the sleepiness is out of control. I have no problems sleeping through the night and then three hours in the afternoon. I'm basically sleeping my life away.

Before and after sleep I get some flashes of my childhood and how I was with my parents growing up. I was almost always only in the company of my parents, acting as they wanted, feeling like they wanted. I had no other "me" even when I was with other children. That gives me no relief, it actually depresses me quite a lot because it looks to me like I always was this empty sad person who could not connect with anyone other than her parents and there's no reason for this to ever change. So it looks like a large part of my hatred towards my parents is there because they have modeled me so strongly after them that I can't ever escape their conditioning even though I always desperately wanted to be my own person. It's like they will always "own" at least half of my brain. And maybe the reason that I never was able to develop a personality is the fact that I have mom&dad living in my brain, blocking everything I want to do before I even decide to do it  - because they never liked anything that I liked.

I'm rambling a bit, but there might be some sense in this..

Offline rainfruit

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2016, 10:37:22 PM »
Hey Muschae, I'm new here also but just wanted to chime in.  I relate very much to what you've shared about your struggles.  I feel like I could have written the same exact thing a few years ago, with a few minor differences.  I relate completely to the dissociation as a result of upbringing by well-meaning but clueless parents.  And to having an unauthentic personality that feels like a prison... yup.  The reason I say a "few years ago" is because my issues have shifted a little bit in their manifestation.  But at the core are still the same.

I am totally new to iboga, I'm planning a microdosing period soon too to deal with this.

I wish you much luck in your microdosing/flood.  I'll be reading your updates. :)


Offline Muschae

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #19 on: February 03, 2016, 12:15:12 PM »
Hey rainfruit, I've had a small breakthrough! I'd like to share it here. I know that I ramble on and on here about what my problems are but I've realized now that I've been going at it completely wrong.

All of the long texts that I've written here are a direct result of the worst symptom of my "disease" - overthinking. I think and think and analyze and analyze and think that it will help me. But it will not. Because I have realized one thing. The overthinking IS NOT ME. I've realized this before and repressed it but refuse to do so now! What IS me though, is hidden away under the overthinking for reasons of protection and is a completely different and much simpler and more beautiful personality. And what is the key to unlocking it? It's LOVE. Because I had to "shut off" during my childhood to protect myself I lost the ability to feel love! Love towards anything basically, people, hobbies, nature, anything. So I felt cold and threatened and started to overly analyze in hopes of feeling more safe. I created a whole fake personality based just on overthinking and analyzing(but really really FAKE - the "look at how smart I am" personality). If I hadn't met my lovely ex boyfriend (who is an extremely loving person), who "woke up" some part of me that was capable of feeling love, I never would have realized just how cold and fake my life is. but I would have felt it anyway, I always just KNEW that something is missing. His caring was not enough though. I've built up a lifetime of defenses and shut him out. But if I ever get the ability to feel love back, my whole personality comes back!! When I feel love I feel like "me", like nothing is missing. And it only took me 15 yrs to realize all of this  ;D

Unfortunately right now I don't feel love, at all. It happens only for a few moments sometimes, to remind me that it is possible. I still feel horrible. So now I will be going to the Iboga flood with hopes of it "waking me up". It's one of my last chances for a happy life. I desperately hope that it is capable of that. Otherwise I'll go for Ayahuasca, LSD, mdma, all these other substances that could help because I'm past the point of "talking my trauma away".

BTW, I think that microdosing helped me with this revelation, so good luck with yours!

Offline ppole

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #20 on: February 03, 2016, 03:58:34 PM »
also San Pedro is very good
be careful with syntetic compounds I would avoid them

Offline ryu

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #21 on: February 07, 2016, 08:54:27 AM »
Hi Muschae,

I think your little revelation was quite profound and its leading you to where you would like to be. Thinking is not all its cracked up to be and as you have experienced, it can be quite harmful. I believe that peace is found in the art of "being" rather than "doing". "Being" with the present moment gives the analytical mind a rest. Without our analytical mind we wouldn't be the dominant species we are and in fact our fight or flight response helped us to survive bigger preditors that said, as our brains have evolved brains and minds have evolved our  old brain cannot  tell the difference between a real and an imagined threat. Every time we reflect on the negatives of the past or  the anxieties of the future our mind relives the emotions that are attached to them and we continue to hardwire the default conditioning.

Some say that after the Iboga ceremony the mind is wiped of the emotional attachment to these negative behaviours.  I believe this  is true to some  degree but I found there are certain core beliefs that may still require a lot more effort.

This is meditation is really useful because it allows you to understand your cognition better and also experience the place that sits behind these thoughts. The plants are a shortcut to this place. I have often found that when the plants battle with my Ego, sometimes the fight can be long and exhausting but when they  have done their work and the Ego is laid to rest I experience love and pure awareness. I have taken this to be the real me. Its a state of being not doing and its well worth the fight to get to that place. I have taken this experience to heart and when, in my daily activities the Ego is causing a riot, I remember that place and become mindfully aware of who I truly am.

As I am writing this I am aware that I might sound like I have conquered my mind. Let me assure nothing could be further from the truth. I am still neurotic at times and the animalistic behaviour shows it face from time  to time but the  plants have taught me that there is a place inside of methat I  can check into and gain some sanity and clarity. Bottom line is I am aware of the destructive nature of my ego wheres before the plants I had no  idea.

:-)


Offline Muschae

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #22 on: February 07, 2016, 09:45:34 AM »
Hey ryu,

thanks for the answer. All of this became apparent to me when I was looking at some pictures of my ex and suddenly felt a flood of love and regret that I usually just don't feel. And I knew that this is how I'm supposed to feel and that I never would have hurt him had I been able to simply feel love like this when we were still together. But now it's too late and I have to live with the consequences of what I did when I couldn't feel (well, I still can't, really). It's the strangest feeling ever and I hope that anyone else can relate (anyone??). To me it's like living in a body that is controlled by someone else. Who I am every day has absolutely NOTHING to do with who I really am. I feel like my real personality is something of an easygoing person who likes to just enjoy life, doesn't care about what people think and likes to explore the weird side of human nature. I'm kindof a kinky weirdo. Who I am day to day is someone who is numb, doesn't care about anything, has no friends, feels immensely empty, and analyzes absolutely everything to the point that nothing makes sense anymore. This everyday me hates everything that the real me likes, including the people (it's why I've been such a b*tch to my ex, even though he was everything the real me wanted). It's a war inside my head and so far the "dead" part of me is winning, strongly..

Oh and I've tried meditation many times before and while it calms me down I don't find it all that useful, really. I see now why. I don't really have a problem with my mind and thoughts. It's the repressed feelings that are the problem. I can meditate all I want but as long as I'm unable to feel love, my mind and my thoughts will stay the same. When I do manage to feel love I don't need to be objective about my thoughts cause they're already in place and feel right. Actually, if I was able to feel fully, maybe then meditation could help keep me grounded, but now not so much.

Do you think I have a chance of breaking free of this? I'm hopeful that Iboga can help but honestly, I might be too far gone.. I can't imagine anything being powerful enough to overturn this programming. I don't want to write these negative things in my every post but I really am in a bad place. My whole life I've been this empty shell and that's all I've ever known. I'm still going to do the flood though, won't let myself talk myself out of it. I've scheduled it to April now.

BTW, how many times have you done Iboga and how were your experiences? Do you think you'll need to do it multiple times to really get into the root of your problems?
« Last Edit: February 07, 2016, 09:52:46 AM by Muschae »

Offline ryu

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Re: Questions about both flooding&microdosing for lifelong mental health issues
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2016, 04:51:21 AM »
Hi Muschae,

Im afraid I couldn't possibly comment  on whether and when you will have a breakthrough, only you can answer that and I guess time will tell. The only thing I can tell you is that I feel the plants help people find their resolve from their issues. Working with the plants is a path I have undertaken for the  last 7 years and in that time I have gained resolution to a lot of my pain. Primarily I came to the plants in a desperate attempt to quit my addiction to alcohol and stimulants. The Iboga had a profound effect on that, I did relapse and took part in initiation again. I have flooded with Iboga on four occasions and learned something really valuable I feel the last two sessions  have highlighted the root of my problem. The problem being that was shit scared of myself. I realised that I really didn't like the person I  was and ran on a program that was full of remorse, guilt and self criticism. I listened to that voice and never questioned its authority . I question it now and  challenge  the conditioning and this is where  the  awareness  comes in. The plants show you that you are awareness  and not the conditioning, the conditioning comes  from  the Ego. Some  of us have  built a healthy Ego whereas others have an Ego that destroys the spirit. Its separation from this Ego that aids recovery.

:-)

Ryu