General => General Discussion => Topic started by: goatboy on March 29, 2010, 02:50:05 AM

Title: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on March 29, 2010, 02:50:05 AM
I have a feeling this is gonna be a little too long, and personal...but I'm not satisfied with my introduction I wrote here, I'm a horrible writer for the most part, I hope I don't regret writing this...I'm much better at talking to explain a part of myself but don't have much family nor friends anymore that I feel I can go to for any different answers I haven't already truly tried.  After reading most of the experiences and feeling the love and personalities on this forum I feel I can relate to much of the people/experiences here.  I apologize in advance for how tedious this may be, and I hope this will possibly help me considering I haven't much to lose and nothing to hide.  I believe I am a good, honest person, and would like to explain where I come from so I am going to pour my soul out just a little with hope maybe someone that's been in a similar position as me maybe will reach out to me, offer any kind of advice or help and maybe I can help someone else...

So I'm at a point in my life where something's really gotta give...I've exhausted way too many opportunities and potential I believe at this point that I'd literally donate one of my balls or a kidney or whatever I could live without and still possibly be happy to kick this horrible addiction that I truly believe is a disease that I haven't been able cure no matter how I tried.

At this point of my life I am very lonely, It hasn't always been like this...I've had a lot of great friends, good times, a better life that slowly started to take a turn for the worst around my high school days when I began to experience a lot of anxiety issues and panic attacks.  What happened in my life to turn me from an outgoing, outspoken, free spirit with a great personality and humor to the person I've become today...I don't know.  Smoking weed too much in middle school and high school?  Taking LSD almost every weekend for a winter/spring when I was 15? Taking life too serious? I haven't been able to pinpoint it yet.  But in high school my dad took me to our family doctor to address my increasingly intense anxiety, it was then that I got my first prescription to xanax, and anti-depressants.  I never got high from it, but rather just sedated and able to manage my panic attacks more.  A lot of my friends at this point were taking painkillers but I wasn't interested really in those pills or snorting anything at that point in my life.  I swallowed a vicodin or two but never really enjoyed it much at that point.  Nevertheless still not the same person that I felt I used to be or felt I could be, I managed to have a decent life, a great girlfriend that I loved with all my heart, had a steady job since I was 16.  I worked hard in high school at everything I did, from school to work to relationships, and to my favorite hobby, skateboarding...which I progressed rather quickly in and found great happiness through the creative freedom the sport brings me.  No rules or rankings...just roaming the streets of my city wherever and however I and my friends chose to do.

Anyways...that was my life until I was about 21.  I moved out of my parents house at 18, held a steady good paying job, still had a great girlfriend, and my passion in skateboarding and weed.  It was a good balance but still experimenting with drugs since I've had a lot of positive experiences at this point, and living with good friends that grew increasing addicted to oxy's and it steadily grabbed my attention to try it to see what the great craze was about and didn't yet see the downsides considering it was cheap at the time and my friends were also maintaining they're jobs and life while doing these pills.  So me and my girlfriend both tried snorting 20mg each of an OC...it was great...I felt a great body buzz and all my anxieties and problems didn't seem to drift away quickly.  It was the turning point of a downward spiral of my life, mixing those with xanax and weed seemed like the best high that I could still function normally with get away with.  I felt like it brought out the old outgoing personality in me, and people seemed to love me on it...probably because I was more myself and less struck with my axieties/shyness...Well it was only a matter of a short time before I was using to just feel NORMAL...then using just to prevent sickness and soon when I was off of it, I had even more of an extreme anxiety, felt sick, and unsociable.

Within a year I wanted out...I admitted my problems to my divorced family and friends...trying to reach out for help.  My dad stopped talking to me after he found out I was smoking weed in my teen years (I grew up in a very strict religious anti-drug house w/ just my dad growing up), and my mom took me in to her house and tried to help by taking me to a doctor that prescribed me suboxone.  I hated suboxone, still do, always will.  The first time I took it I actually felt so sick to my stomach, I curled up into a ball on my bed, and felt horrible for hours to the point where I even called into work for the first time of my life.  Maybe i took took much the first time.  I tried half the amount a day or two later, the taste was horrible to me still, and for some reason it just didn't work.  I was back on pills before I knew it, my mom knew it, and pretty much said if I take pills anymore, there's nothing she could do for me and that I needed to help myself because she did what she could.  I tried as hard as I could to stick with the suboxone and xanax, and of course my weed which actually helped the most of any of the other drugs.  I was also prescribed anti-depressants but they never worked for me, rather they actually made me feel suicidal.  After acting on those feelings by trying to overdose a couple times, I eventually decided to never take any of my anti-depressants again...after all I really did give them a shot for years, switching from one to another (mostly SSRI's).

I never did steal anything or was dishonest/disrespectful to my family or friends, I'm the type of person that always hurt myself before others.  I cannot live with the guilt of hurting or betraying anyone that cared for me, let alone loved me.  So I felt hurt when my mom took all of the pills from all the cabinets and put them in a safe...everything from aspirins to allergy meds (nothing that I would even think of abusing let alone steal), and felt that she thought of me of less of a person/human being/good son from how she treated me differently.  I'd understand more if I did something to lose any part of her trust but my parents have never dealt with any sort of addictions to drugs, my mom has never even drank more than a single beer in her life...her parents were alcoholics that died from addiction and suicide while she was still a young teen...kinda explains her fear of any mind altering chemicals or liquors.

Well not able to live with my mom anymore considering I didn't feel comfortable living in a house that didn't feel comfortable with me anymore, I got a full-time job, moved out, and entered a methadone treatment program to manage my addiction.  Eventually my girlfriend that I lived with and still was in full force love with/my best friend/my motivation to do better for myself, became pregnant.  I had something to live for...I still was taking legal methadone, she quit all drugs successfully as soon as she found out.  I was so proud of her and tried changing my life for the better.  I worked hard and took care of her and raised the baby for almost a year with her, trying to taper myself lower and lower from methadone but never got below 80mg per day.  It was then I really got crushed, we were on and off while I was living with my mom but I was always faithful to her when together and always thought she was too.  I was wrong, suspicious of her spending some nights elsewhere, we got a dna test...I was not the father...either was the guy she was cheating on me with.  Still in love with her and the kid, I was willing to take care of the kid I loved as my own for so long, but the dishonesty got to me and we ended up splitting up and she moved in with the other guy.  I still try to see the kid sometimes but we all grew apart...I quit the methadone clinic and starting using again...pretty bad this time too...after all methadone is just legal dope so I never was really clean technically.

So that was a couple years ago now, since then I have still been addicted.  Most of my friends were users also at this point, people I trusted and all but at the same time people I didn't want to associate with because I know and knew hanging out with them I'll never be able to quit.  My main goal has been (and still is) to detox successfully and then help others with my new life.  I have spent a lot of the past year or two trying to find and know myself, spiritually and otherwise.  I want to quit more than anything in the world, and make this story a successful one I can share and help other people with their paths of life.  I am currently still seeing a doctor for help also but don't see much of a positive future in it...for being perscribed 120 2mgs of xanax and 90 subs a month is not the life I want to continue.  My doctor says it's something I'm gonna have to live with for probably the rest of my life...my goal is to prove him wrong!!  I know there is a better way than that!  I just havn't found it yet...and I am a true believer in if one seeks and pursues in something with enough passion, they WILL find it!!   

I have gotten over my loses (as much as i can) and realization that life is more than drugs, kids, love, or any one thing.  I have now comfortably gotten back into entheogens, mainly dmt and mushrooms, for insight and attempts of easing WD's not completely successful yet...Also have successfully extracted a small amount of voacanga africana but only led to feeling sick and insomnia.

I'm sharing this in this forum because it is a small and seemingly caring community, and in awe from some of the experiences I have read here, hope to soon have one to share also.  I hope to receive some positive feedback by the probably very few who would take the time to read all of this.  I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, such as my health (other than my addiction), have some good friends and family who I am still close with, and realize I have a lot to live for and think I have a long life ahead of me still and want to improve and cleanse myself.  I have a lot of hopes and dreams, such as traveling and having more freedom than being 'stuck' in my state. and saving my life and hopefully others also.  I have done much much research of eboka and am convinced completely of it's medicinal uses, I have seen many videos and still downloading more, such as detox or die, which I am currently finishing downloading for I fear that one of those is my fate, and I am going to do everything and whatever I can do to proceed with my life positively.  Any help and guiding or advice in any way would be greatly appreciated.  I love to get PM's and would respond rather quickly.  Thanks for letting me vent and share my story and I apologize for the extreme length of this. :\

Much love and peace ~ 

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on March 29, 2010, 02:55:47 AM
Oh, and I forgot where I found that saying in my sig but I really like it...so sorry if I stole someone's saying.  For i've gone through all the phases except rising again yet...which I will someday do!
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on March 29, 2010, 03:38:16 AM
Sounds very similar to my story, with a few exceptions.  I think you'd be a great candidate for iboga.  I doubt the drug use as a kid is what caused an addiction, and lack of support from family when you found yourself stuck, probably only made it harder.  It took a lot for me to find my way, but I too was ready to be done, and tried iboga.  It put everything back into perspective for me, and made me change a bunch of my views on addiction, and the disease model.  It helped me realize I had a choice, and gave me an easier way to make it, plus it kept me on the right path for months and years after.  I know this isn't a whole lot compared to the story you shared, but I would be happy to answer any questions you have about my experiences, and will try my best to give honest answers that might be of help.

Welcome to eboka forums, I think you'll like our little family!
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on March 29, 2010, 04:03:32 AM
Thanks man  :) Appreciate the feedback...I think i'd be a great candidate for it too.   And it's comforting that you say you had a similar story and all and that the iboga really helped you make the choice easier. 
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Eon T McKnight on March 29, 2010, 11:49:16 AM
goatboy, good to meet you and thanks for sharing!

Having this Forum where I felt comfortable in pouring out my soul has been very, very helpful in my healing journey.  I freely admit to using this Forum like a drug or a shrink to heal myself.  Even though we use screen names, it still seems like a valid confession, doesn't it?  Posted where all can see.  In the bright light of day, those demons cannot long survive.  Making a confession is part of the Bwiti initiation and helps us to identify our faults, our demons, so that they can be exorcised by Doctor Eboka.  When we call the demons by their names, we gain power over them  --  there are some really interesting parallels between the Rite of Exorcism and psychoanalysis, I find.

Though you realize that your mother's lack of understanding and compassion regarding your drug problem is largely due to her fear that she would follow in her parents' footsteps, it's still a tough thing.  What about unconditional love?  Where can I ever hope to find it, if not from my own mother?  It does appear to be a very rare and elusive commodity.

You say "I'm the type of person that always hurt myself before others" and I can definitely relate to that.  While it was not so hard to be compassionate to others, way too often I treated myself like shit.  I have had to make a real effort to be kind, loving, helpful and compassionate to myself.  As a matter of fact, I am still working on that.

"My doctor says it's something I'm gonna have to live with for probably the rest of my life...my goal is to prove him wrong!!"

That sort of talk from doctors just bugs the hell out of me!  That AA line about how you will always be and alcoholic is more of the same BS, IMHO.  You will find PLENTY of support and help to prove him totally, absolutely and unequivocally wrong here on the Forum.

So sorry, but your apology for venting and rambling-on is NOT accepted  --  because there is NO NEED for you to apologize!   ;D

Someday, someone will come across your post and think "Hey, that sounds just like me!  Maybe there is hope!"


Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on March 29, 2010, 01:55:11 PM

Your story really touched me, and I relate to much of it. My problem was alcohol, nasty addictive alcohol. I, too, was (and am) a hard worker, responsible, giving and very committed to hurting NO-ONE, except myself. We are the same in that. Well, I don't hurt myself much, anymore. :)

You've hit a healing path, one that will lead to Iboga. It's amazing that Iboga begins to work as soon as it sees you, often long before you ever hold it in your hand. You've set your intention, now Iboga is on it's way to you, and you to Iboga. You will meet somewhere in the middle, and Iboga will say when.

You are lonely. Of course. Of course you are. One of the things we people need most is heartfelt connection to others, as much as food! I realize we are just screen names, but here we are, and here we are for you. This forum has been a source of great comfort and joy to me, as well as a place of learning and inspiration. I think I speak for many of us when I say that. You are worthy of the love you will find here. And the ribbing, and the confrontation (love to Nobu!), and the practical advice! This is a good, good place. Many of us here, at least the 'regulars' have found that we are also called to work with Iboga. Some of us before we held it in our hands, me included. So to me, your desire to work with it to help others absolutely does not seem presumptuous.

Post as long and as often as you like, that's what the forum is here for. I'm glad you gave us a picture of you, and I think I understand where you're coming from.

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on March 30, 2010, 01:41:40 PM
Oh, and I forgot where I found that saying in my sig but I really like it...so sorry if I stole someone's saying.  For i've gone through all the phases except rising again yet...which I will someday do!

goatboy - I will write a more involved response to your awesome and honest post soon, when I have a bit more time. For now I wanted to thank you for sharing that with us, I really think you're in 'the right place' and I'm very happy to have you with us bro. We have so much in common, it's almost scary...Oh yeah, BTW - I think you saw that text for your signature on a post here (I put it at the bottom of a response to mushrooms iboga experience) - either that, or you are one of the few people besides me that listens to the colossally bad-ass band 'Neurosis' whence came those brilliant words- they are part of a song titled "A Chronology for Survival" they're so awesome, I have to rip them off all the time and pass off their shit as my own LOL It's as cool a signature as one could ask for and I'm glad to see it on your profile. RISE AGAIN my friend!
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on March 30, 2010, 05:12:22 PM
Thanks guys   ;D

Eon, Tia, And Cal = Some of my favorite people I've ever seen in a forum. And don't wanna leave out some of the other posters on here that contribute too, because I can really relate a lot of them too and glad they are here...one of them includes GratefulDad too, don't want to leave him out.

And Cal, ya that probably is what I read in your post from the mushrooms iboga thread and stole it...considering I haven't heard it in a song, but think I'm gonna check out the band Neurosis.  so sorry :)  But it's great words of wisdom.

And like Tia said I believed iboga is on it's way to me (it better be now ;)) and me too iboga.  I hope we have a good time when we meet and it will be an life-changing positive experience.  And like I said, and Eon I believe is right with me on it too it seems, I plan to prove my doctor wrong, because I hate that shit they drop on you sometimes.  And I'd like to call him/talk to him after and tell him I found a way to rid myself of addiction, relieve anxiety (hopefully), and I don't need his drugs or any to be drug free and that he shouldn't tell people (ME) it's something I just have to live with for the rest of my life...that there is no real better solution out there, no other options that I could look into.  Even though I do like my doctor for he's a cool laid back guy I can really talk to about anything (although debating if I should tell him I cured myself with iboga if that were that case).  And I know he understands addiction very well for what I've heard and he's told me, he himself was a very bad meth addict for many years but now has been clean forever.  But It would make my day or fuck it my life just to be able to walk in his office face to face, perfectly sober and on none of his meds and show him, he was wrong with me and I can/will prove it!  Also I hope that this treatment could get me off my benzo's also, which is also a goal of mine for I truly want to rid myself of those too (you'd think iboga would help with that also, right?), but my main goal is much bigger than that really.  I want a complete new slate, a new fresh start, and transformation in my life.  I hope I'm not dreaming this stuff is better than it really is...:\, since I have a lot of faith in this treatment and would be devastated if I fail with this too.  But I have high hopes really...
Hoping to have a successful ending to this story now and hopefully much sooner than later...I will definitely share my experience here with all of you...and then also like Eon said, 'Someday, someone will come across your post and think "Hey, that sounds just like me!  Maybe there is hope!"' Because there just has to be...I plan on being a living example of that hope.  And maybe it could save someone else's life, which would be amazing if I could even save just one life, I would die a happy man.

Cheers ~

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on March 30, 2010, 06:41:22 PM
There is some debate about it helping with benzos.  Dr. Kamlet firmly believes it's an emphatic no, however some treatment providers have had some success, and claim it is possible and does help.  On the other hand, with the seriousness of benzo withdrawal, I wouldn't necessarily just stop benzos because you are able to kick everything else.  

It's a process, and benzos can cause some very real depression when stopped, as well as the possibility of seizures/death from cold turkey detox with benzos.  I have no real experience with using iboga to detox from benzos, but GABA in the brain is a must and I would hate for you to cause yourself a problem by thinking iboga will definitely work for them.  

I am hopeful that it can at least help a lot with the psychological effects of addiction, but I don't want to make it seem that it will take away the physical need for benzos.  Also, insomnia is common after iboga, and I am sure this will be greatly increased if discontinuing benzos, and taking iboga.  This could result in a relapse, and often benzos are even given during an iboga experience when it is overwhelming, or after the initial experience to help with eating and sleeping.  I think a slow taper up to the point of iboga would be the best bet for discontinuing benzo use, but alas I am not an expert.  

With iboga, I have found it is sometimes easier to take it one thing, or step, at a time.  After my first experience I quit methadone, but within the five months after, I quit sweets, sodas, pig (for some odd reason), and cigarettes.  I was not planning on all that before my detox from methadone, but iboga's lasting effects made it much easier to remove more addictions than just my opioid one.

Best of luck!
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on March 31, 2010, 09:19:49 PM
so sorry :)  But it's great words of wisdom.

Never be sorry for that bro - it's all you...much love ~Cal
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on March 31, 2010, 11:51:17 PM
goatboy  - Thanks so much for trusting us enough to share that story...I can identify with so many elements of that, it's just uncanny. You are a very welcome addition here, man. It's good that you dove right in, it says a lot about your personal willingness and, if I may make so bold - it says a good deal about the way this little forum has grown. This is exactly why we are all here - and it makes me proud when a new member comes in and feels comfortable enough to share like that right from the start...

I have little to add to what has already been said in this thread - these people are the best! None of us is an expert on anything other than our own experiences - but be that as it may - we all recognize the value in such things. Your experience(s) are invaluable as well...we never know when someone is going to find the words in a thread like this - at just the 'proper' time in their lives. When it comes down to it, it's not even just about iboga...it's about being a human. While I have no doubt that this medicine has miraculous powers and will continue to help untold numbers of people - eboka, holy as it is, by itself is just a plant. It is the PEOPLE who are the facilitators of change - and eboka is the instrument of choice here. It is peerless. But it demands that we do our part, and this is as it should be.

Your addiction to benzos must be addressed before you get in to a treatment. GD's advice is about as good as it can be, my friend...taper to a minimal but effective dose, you will certainly be glad to have them in the immediate days afterward - not everyone uses them but I know I sure was glad to have them, and if you are currently physically dependent on them it would be very dangerous to try this without them. I think that once you learn more about this medicine, and if you do get a chance to do a treatment - then quitting those will be far less difficult than you might think. Your entire perspective on drugs may change. Mine did. I still use marijuana and psychedelics but my attitude and maturity have developed as a result of taking eboka and , although I still think it is 'ok' to use certain things for fun and recreation, the ideas I fostered about drug use in general have been refined and put in to 'place' so to speak.  I know what addiction is, it's the only thing I have ever known THIS much about in my life...and I know what it is NOT. Iboga is no magic bullet...there ain't one. There shouldn't be one. But it and it alone does all the things you hear it does. Nobody is exaggerating or making shit up. These are real folks, just like you and me, having real experiences that are totally unbelievable.

There is an inherent danger is building something up to be the 'be all end all'. You know the cliche 'don't put all your eggs in one basket' etc. The virtues of iboga are real. It's healing properties are amazing, incredible even. But it is only a PART of the process. Changing our lives requires us to , well, change. And no matter how strong or 'good' a therapy is, it's still just an element of the process. I hope you get what you are seeking. You are bright and compassionate and I think you would go far with this kind of work. You're still a really young man - I know what it's like to feel like you've wrecked your life into a mess that can't be fixed. I'm still doing a deal of fixing. But I have found a unique opportunity with some real special people to explore something truly wonderful and I hope I can always be up to the challenge and grow in to the person I know I CAN be. It's good to have you here. Take your time bro - when we get 'close' to our goals is when we need to be most prudent I think. Your desire to heal is admirable, but remember to give iboga the respect it deserves....this happens by giving YOU the respect you deserve. None of us landed here by chance. Take care and thanks for being here!  :)
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: harveyplex on April 01, 2010, 06:59:43 AM
Hello Goatboy !
Thanks for sharing . I can relate to alot of what you have been through . My doctor told me the very same thing about having to live with this till the end - bah humbug !  They must teach them all that at the mason meetings . Welcome aboard .  All the answers you seek are here and the crew is top notch !  I am dealing with too many things right now to be on my komputer as much as i would like  but let me know if i can be of any help .
much love ,
Harvey Plex
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on April 01, 2010, 12:41:23 PM
  They must teach them all that at the mason meetings

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 01, 2010, 10:16:12 PM
Appreciate the insight about the benzo's...and as much as I'd wish eboka would completely help me with that issue too, It's really the least of my worries for I have much more of a goal and issue's unrelated to JUST benzo's.  I do get prescribed a lot, but actually, I take maybe half my script each month, because honestly I just take it to manage my anxiety and really don't abuse it.  So it definitely wouldn't be the worse if it doesn't help much with those...considering I have a MUCH larger goal, from my opiate addiction, to just helping myself in many other aspects of my life for the better.  If I am still taking a bar or two a day afterwards, but achieve my main goals, I'd still be very satisfied really.  And I realized that you shouldn't go from taking that many benzo's for years to just stop and believe I would no longer need them...more my plan is to use them for the sleepless nights I've heard about from experiences of the days after, and plan to just gradually taper myself down from those as I can, for benzo's have never been a HUGE problem for me.  But having my doctor say I'm gonna be on either A LOT of benzo's and suboxone as he prescribes now for a long, long time, or just be back on the streets doing drugs illegally...Right now I truely believe soon I'll be comfortable without either of the options my oh so smart doctor laid out for me  :-\

Also just to note...the subs I'm prescribed I don't even take, like I said, I hate them.  I have from time to time to help when I'm broke or w/e, but I haven't takin' any for a while and know it wouldn't be a smart idea to take any the week before my treatment because of the long half life those have.  Rather I've been taking short acting opiates recently (and for the most part overall), such as oxys, boi, and thats bout it really...So not worried about that interfering with a 'flood' dose of RB TA I plan on doing in about a week, or less ;D I have some questions though about preparing and things to trigger a better experience (music, friends, maybe going outside or w/e that can enhance the experience...think I'll put that in a new thread tho, because I'm interested in what people enjoyed doing the most during this several day journey to become cleansed, more insightful, and so on...

Anyways...Thanks Harvey Plex for the welcome!  It really does feel like a GREAT community in this forum that I've never felt so in touch or can relate to people as much as this one.  It really has a great vibe, and as Harvey said, It really does seem to be a top notch crew of people looking to help other people and share they're experiences with much respect and love.  Like there's not much just dicks that are here to be a bother because they are bored.. I really hope it stays that way...Maybe we shold make this more of a private forum for members like I've heard some talk about, but it'd also be a crime to hide these amazing experiences and help, but people really interested could become members, and Cal/or other moderators here w/ good judgement (Eon being one) should just make sure the right kind of people come here.

Well I have a feeling my life is going to change VERY drastically in the next month now...for I just found out where I'm living now (which is a huge place that I love) I have a month to find someplace else to live...which sucks.  And I'm planning my treatment for next week, and I realize it takes a couple days to a week to really recover from the experience, even though it seems that you still learn things from your experience months and months down the line afterwards...so lately I've been kinda down :( but then again I have a lot to look forward to!  Such as I honestly believe I will be starting a whole new life, and I'm going to work as hard as I possibly fucking can, to make it all for the better and a great positive new life.  Even if I have to move into my moms house :( for a month or so or untill I get my feet back on the ground and I believe it will be much easier if I can break free and use all my potential that's been sedated with opiates for years now...

But anyways...THANKS to you ALL for the support.  It really helps me feel good about the route I'm taking and knowing that I have other people that have gone this path/journey that are offering to help/guide me through everything to help me.  I know it may sounds lame or corny but I kinda feel like I have a really good support vibe coming from this forum, like none I've ever felt/believed in for a long long time.  More than any vibe I've had from any bullshit NA meeting, methadone clinic/suboxone clinic group therapies...and I truely believe in this more than anything else in a long long time, and really appreciate the feedback I have gotten from you guys that seemed to have a somewhat similar story as me.  And like I think Tia or Cal said, I almost feel like the iboga is starting to work in and with me already, which is an amazing thing.  Like I had a lucid dream of me taking the herb and it was a great dream that I felt so healed/insightful/different, but of course only to wake up and feel d sick within an hour or so after waking...w/e.  My friend that is gonna help me thinks that I'm pretty crazy for going this route and putting so much into it, and maybe I am (after all, a lil crazyness isn't ALWAYS a bad thing),  but he IS one of my best friends that I trust, and all that matters is he supports me and trusts my judgement that I do know exactly what I'm getting myself into, and take ALL responsibilities for anything regarding what I plan to do soon.  Either way, my life is going through what I feel is the biggest change I've ever gone through, and I'm ready for it, I'm more passionate and dedicated than ever right now to make this huge change in my life and maybe moving in with my mom for a short period will help me even more.  Then I won't be as lonely and have some support and hopefully she'll see the new me and it'll make her happy and make my life much easier because I'd love to have the unconditional love from my family I believe I had once as a kid, but guess lost it lately....but this is getting long, just wanted to give a small update and show my appreciation to you guys!!  Thank you!

Much Love and peace to you all-


P.S.  I am really looking forward to (hoping) to have an awesome part II to this shortened story of my drug and anxiety problems that have gotten the best of me somewhat soon....Either way I will definitely write a full experience report whether it's for the best or even if it doesn't work great the first time....BUT although I'm not trying to put all my eggs in one basket,  I got an awful lot of them in this basket right now :\...and mainly because I truly believe in this and not only the herb, but I have a very STRONG motivation to quit altogether, I just need a little help to assist me....
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: mzlynnem on April 04, 2010, 10:40:22 AM
Thanks for sharing this. I have to admit there were a couple parts in there where my heart started beating a little quicker, at the recognition of some pretty crazy similarities to my own story...

Then reading through everyone else's comments, I see I wasn't the only one who related so intensely! You know... I agree with the idea you mentioned of this group being/remaining a safe place, protected and protective... And I get the feeling this is somehow working itself out, without the need for additional moderator screening. At least, not any moderators we can see...  :o

Welcome, again, very glad to meet you and will be watching to see how your adventure unfolds...

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on April 04, 2010, 12:07:39 PM
Heya GoatB!

One thing that stood out for me was that you said you know it takes a few days to a week to recover. This is partially true. In my experience, after three days you will be able to minimally function. Not that you will still be ataxic, or out of your gourd, but that you will still have so much going on inside you that you may not even want to speak. To anyone.

All your defenses will be removed, until you build them back again. This can be so very disconcerting at first, even overwhelming. You will likely find yourself seeking quiet and restful places. Nature is best, fo sho. Rush hour traffic, a shopping mall, an airport, even a grocery store can be WAY too much input. You'll be vulnerable for a time.

If at ALL possible, give yourself two weeks or longer with very reduced responsibilities. Please hear this. I had two weeks, and I could have used four to good effect. I know you have responsibilities, of course. See if you can't find ways to reduce demands on yourself for as long as possible after.

Talk soon,
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Eon T McKnight on April 04, 2010, 12:31:53 PM
Happy, please allow my humble self to quote the ancient august Zen Master of Eternal Virtue:

     Perfect mind is no-mind;
     Perfect voidness is non-voidness.
     Perfect moderation?
     The liberation of joyful non-moderation!

Or something like that...    ;)

Peace, Love & Emptyness!

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on April 06, 2010, 10:57:16 AM
I laid around getting stoned for a month, and then my energy and drive has been slowly kicking in.  Got out to a festival this last weekend, and ate some LSD.  Everything is going well for me now, and I am so thankful I had a month to do nothing, as it allowed for minimal stress, which made it easy to get through.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 06, 2010, 01:26:49 PM
A month...dam.  I don't think I have a month of free time like that.  I am 'laid-off' currently but also just found out the house I'm living in right now got sold, is being inspected this week, and I have till early May to pack up all my stuff and move somewhere else.  Trying to look at having to move a week or two after I used eboka as a good thing...I figured the move might help me actually.  For life change.  And considering I have several 'buddies' that live within a block radius constantly coming over w/ shit, or seeking it.  I should be good to go for the most part right? 

And usually when I'm bored is when I want to get high the most/easiest, I can't lay around for a month not thinking bout it, well I haven't been able to up to this point of my life yet...So after a week of good eating and such, I was planning on keeping myself as busy as possible.  Not good idea?

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on April 06, 2010, 02:59:39 PM
Hey B,

Everybody is different, for sure. You'll be able to function in a week, most likely, but it might be more strenuous than you think. You also might not sleep well for a good long time.

For me, laying around was exactly what I wanted to do, and it's really not my style. I wanted to get to know the changes in me better, to listen, and also to not have to deal with things too practical. It felt like I was interrupting the flow, if you will. Also, no defenses. I had none for a couple weeks. This can make it very uncomfortable to deal with people.

You'll do this the way it seems best for you. The positive change of environment might be exactly what you need.

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on April 06, 2010, 06:30:18 PM
Don't get me wrong, I could get up and do shit, but with my heavy cannabis smoking for my minor PAWS, as well as my lack of energy and drive, I just laid around watching TV.  Now I did get up, cook, and straighten up the house.  I took walks and stuff, or jumped on the exercise bike, but I spent a good deal of time away from the computer, where I had to concentrate and think of stuff to say.  My body felt okay, tired, but okay.  I just had the ability to take the time to get better, so I did.  I definitely could have started doing shit sooner, but it felt good to take it easy.  And as I said, after about a month, I started getting my energy back, and getting the urge to get out.  I feel exceptionally good now, and have returned to my self before opiates.  I'd say two weeks would be good enough, and one week is doable, but having a longer time made it easier for me..
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on April 06, 2010, 07:12:42 PM
Rush hour traffic, a shopping mall, an airport, even a grocery store can be WAY too much input. You'll be vulnerable for a time.

Boy I feel this - I was at a shopping mall with achtwan about 48 hours after I ate 30g of bark - standing in line at the Chick Fil-A things were cool but I was feeling pretty spastik in the busy environment when all of a sudden this real hot girl (woman, lady) came up and I mean she practically jumped in my pocket...this is kind of a big deal because I haven't dated in a while and I've been feeling like 'getting back out there' for some time, but have been dealing with lots of spastic emotional stuff...the timing was impeccable.

She was throwing ridiculous signs at me, shit a blind person couldn't miss - but still in good taste (whatever) and what did I do?

I froze like she was a snarling pitbull...I almost cried when I left, sandwich in hand, befuddled...this is NOT like me, or at least not the way I used to respond. I was a real gregarious guy - very outgoing and responsive, but this blindsided me. I was still so geeked from the ibo it seemed like a bad joke. Damn I've wanted to talk about this forever.

I had to forgive myself for this transgression and realize I was not in the mindset to strike up a conversation. God knows what would have come out of my mouth. It wasn't fair. It was all her fault for real, coming at me while I was still vulnerable. I guess I need to go back to Chick fil-A.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 10, 2010, 04:22:54 PM
Thanks guys  :) Really appreciate the feedback.

And Tonight I plan to be going on my 'trip' to eboka land...(really hope this 2.6g TA does the trick, I am planning on taking ALL of it)

Keep me in your thoughts for the next day or two...I need all the healing power I can get.

And hopefully I will be starting a positive new thread under the experiences category in the not too distant future...

Will update when I get a chance.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on April 10, 2010, 04:40:36 PM
You didn't get any more precipitate after adding more ammonia to the vinegar?  2.6 g of the brown freebase TA is likely about 1.3 g of total actual alkaloids, which might be just enough, but I would probably try for more, if possible..
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on April 11, 2010, 11:22:26 PM
I am on my phone and can't see what day this was posted. it's sunday as I write. my prayers are with you.  I am hoping you have enough of what you have to go where you want to go. big love to you, let us know when you can how it goes. reach out if you need. message me if you read this, I will give you my number, i'm sure many here would do the same. we're with you.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 13, 2010, 07:12:33 AM
So this 2.5g. TA 'extract' didn't work.  I don't get it and this is most disappointing.  Instead of reaching any stages of anything like vision or introspective, I was just disoriented (not really able to walk for a little more than a day, or pout anything for shit...really shakey) and shitty feeling for a couple days.  Not even a good feeling.  

That's what I got after seeing 50 gm. RB through the whole procedure that I studied over and over again....Still have the liquids but probably just wastes.  Don't know what to do...ya know.  But what really bothers me was...Was this MY fault (and I thought I did a very good job with the extract except for the smaller yield), or was it really the venders (Was it not real shit, I mean it was a mislabeled which I feel you shouldn't do with ANY chemical or whatnot. but they told me it would be...but the vendor seemed pretty 'reliable', idk how I should contanct them yet..(pm me if you want to ask the vend)) But this is a pretty shitty addition to my story, that's for sure...if anyone might have ANY ideas, please let me know or ask w/e you wanna and I will let you know.  I'd really like to at least know what went wrong here...and if there's anything I  can do to help the situation...please help..1/2gms of boi doesn't help either.

Oh, and btw I even took pics throughout all the steps kind of similar to the pictures in the tek extraction except it was an base added solution used..just in case but idk...def. a sad experience....
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on April 13, 2010, 09:29:19 AM
I am sorry for your uneventful experience.  It's very hard to say what could have gone wrong.  The extraction is awfully easy, an it sounded like you were doing it properly.  If you don't mind PMing the source of bark, I can try to ask around to see how people's experience with them were.  My extract was about exactly what I was expecting, and it worked like I expected it too.  I imagine you just did not get enough alkaloids in. 

Also, with iboga, if you don't lay back and close your eyes, you may never even notice any of the visionary stuff.  It takes a good dose to really get fully submerged in the visions, and laying down with your eyes closed helps a lot in letting the visions flow.  If you'd like to share the pics and/or the process, I can dissect it and see where anything could have went wrong.  Don't give up, I didn't get enough in my second iboga experience, but still had a pretty powerful experience, but the withdrawal did come back.  I had to better prepare the second time and just get more alkaloids in.  You can try to further extract the alkaloids, from the bark or juice you have, but you'll likely need more bark.  I'd say 100 grams of good bark would probably be enough for the flood, and boosters.

Hope you're not too discouraged, I'll try to do anything I can to help ya out..
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Eon T McKnight on April 13, 2010, 10:58:44 AM
Freebases have poor pharmacodynamics.  That is why most all prescription medications are acid salts.  But don't believe anything I say.  Find out for yourself.  Get yourself a book on pharmacology.  Do the research.  Freebases are not absorbed as quickly or as reliably as acid salts.  Unfortunately, I do not have the time today to find more references.


Effect of API Properties on Bioavailability through Absorption Modeling
Filippos Kesisoglou, PhD, Pharmaceutical R&D, Merck Research Laboratories

High Percentage of Poorly Water-Soluble Compounds in Development
? Estimates for NCEs currently in development suggest that less than 10% of the compounds meet the high solubility criteria
Based on data from Benet LZ, Wu CY. "Using a Biopharmaceutics Drug Disposition Classification System to Predict Bioavailability
and Elimination Characteristics of New Molecular Entities". In. NJDMDG, Somerset, NJ; 2006.

Impact of Poor Aqueous Solubility on Clinical Formulation Development
? Low and variable bioavailability
? Deviations from the desired dose proportionality in the early Phase I studies
? Clinical food effect
? Need for high doses to obtain the necessary exposures and pharmacodynamic effects in clinical studies
? Increase in API needs and cost
? Need for employment of resource-consuming and high cost non-conventional formulation technology

API properties are a major consideration in formulating BCS II/IV compounds
? API form properties
? Salt formation is a commonly used approach to improve bioavailability
• increased dissolution rate, supersaturation, in vivo generation of amorphous material after precipitation
? Amorphous forms can provide significantly higher solubility and thus bioavailability
? Polymorphs can exhibit significantly different solubility
? API bulk properties
? Surface area/Particle size (and particle size distribution) can have a significant impact on dissolution rate for poorly soluble compound
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: GratefulDad on April 13, 2010, 12:21:02 PM
That definitely makes sense, but also there is lots of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, so the freebases should be converted in the body, but it may also be why the come up on the freebase takes so long.  To turn the freebase into a salt is pretty easy, though, and is covered in the extraction.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 14, 2010, 11:36:07 AM
so 50 gm. RB = not enough for freebase

and freebase is just poor way of taking medicines, all in all....


I guess once I get a couple hundred more dollars and everything all worked out as perfect again, I will try again.

Not looking good for now...

Maybe I'll just get the HCL instead of taking anymore risks.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: Calaquendi on April 15, 2010, 12:13:38 PM
Man goatboy, I hate to hear of your disappointment, friend...please please do not give up entirely here. It is sometimes this way with these things, especially DIY - many variables to consider. Do Not get down on yourself man. You've made it this far and found your way to a great place - we need you here bro. There's not a single person on this site that won't do anything and everything they can to assist you, and gladly. Myself included. I hope you stick around. You're a cool guy with brains and a sharp sense of humor. Too rare to lose to the rest of the world. Stay up bro, and stay with us!  :)
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on April 15, 2010, 05:27:50 PM
Ditto what Cal said. We are here for you.
Always good to hear experience reports, and sometimes particularly to hear ones that weren't perfect.
We keep learning from each other.

Do you know at this point what a good mg/kg for you would be? And how that translates from TA, HCl, RB?

Keep us posted.

Love to you.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 16, 2010, 12:58:10 AM
Ya, I learned...the hard way.  But I'm not giving up, so do not worry  ;)  I still be using now but I'm a man on a mission.  And I've gone wayyy too far and researched wayy too much for nothing.  Next time I'm trying the acetic method unless I had least 100 grams...Anyways THANK YOU everyone that has reached out to attempt to help in some way, and just to not give up my goal of detoxing for good! And soon!  This forum has good people here, couldn't ask for better.  Hoping to get to know yall even better in the future...

Oh ya and tia: I'm thinking about an 18mg/kgish.  Think that would suffice? And yes I would know how to translate it from TA to HCL as long as I knew the purity...
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: x on April 16, 2010, 01:13:47 AM
Heya goatboy.

Yup, that's a good place to start. It's sometimes necessary to take a little more if your calcs don't 'hold' you, stave off w/d. But 18 is good. I've gone higher with some folk, and heard of/seen higher as well. Nobu has some good things to say about max dose, maybe he'll chime in.

*If you can* it's smart to have twice what you think you'll need. This covers vomiting and boosters. Again, I know we all can't do this. I dosed at home, could have used another g TA, I think. But it was all I could do to afford what I did get. That said, I urge you to get as much as you can.

How's the move coming along?

Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: goatboy on April 16, 2010, 02:49:49 AM
Well thanks for asking Tia.

I've actually been slacking for the most part so far :(, Just have had my mind focused on too many other things.  So just have done some organizing, but still not sure 1) Where I'm moving too 2)When exactly I have to leave because my landlord has yet to say but sounds like the end of this month.  But I just did my taxes and found out I will be getting a good return so looking forward to that (and hoping I get it after detox rather than before, for obvious reasons), and who knows, maybe I'll move in with my mother till I find a nice place by the lake in the city with a roomate.  That's what I'm leaning towards going for now.. :) 

Who knows what my future holds right now tho, I sure the hell don't.
Title: Re: My life story...(long story short but still too long)
Post by: fallout330 on April 18, 2010, 12:33:55 AM
Keep taking those steps forward goatboy, this is an excellent source of support.  I read your thread and could relate to the anxiety and panic attack issues from the past.  I'm sure you'll find some level of hope and support here. 

Peace to you!