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Topics - rez_runner

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Flooding / Cant shake the fear of doing a flood
« on: October 20, 2016, 10:50:19 PM »
It's been awhile since I've posted on here but lately I've been thinking a lot about finally bringing myself to do ibogaine to hopefully help fix my chaotic life.  I had intentions like 4 or 5 years ago to do ibogaine but I have so much fear and anxiety that I keep running away from it.  I know how bad I need to do this but I'm afraid of what the experience will be like and what I'll end up finding in my head.  I have done different psychedelics including ayahuasca but just remembering how negative all my ayahuasca trips were makes me hesitant to do a 20 hour trip with ibogaine.  I mean, at least ayahuasca is over in like 4 hours but something keeps telling me that I need more time to prepare for such an intense journey but at the same time the more I wait the more I go nowhere.  I'm not progressing in life and meditating and other energy work isn't really doing much for me.

Is that all I have to look forward to is a complete ass kicking and extreme difficulty during my trip?  I don't want it to be completely negative and feel worse when it's all done but I sure as hell don't want to live like this anymore.  I know part of the healing process is going to be difficult but maybe I'm just overthinking this...

I'm not sure if anyone else has had this happen, but sometimes when i'm waking in the middle of the night (the kind when you only wake for a few seconds or minutes and you're super groggy/out of it and fall right back asleep) ill hear voices in my head saying negative/manipulating things.  They will say things like "youre a failure", "you cannot keep money", etc. etc.  The other night I could deliberately hear a voice whispering in my ear (it definitely wasn't a dream and it was plain as day- I woke myself up immediately after hearing it) telling me some really messed up shit. 

I don't know but I think something is trying to program me or maybe following me around.  I have had a number of ghost encounters since I was a kid, including a few terrifying events in high school that ended with a medicine man coming to our house to expel a ghost that was in our basement.  I was also told by a shaman during my ayahuasca ceremony in peru that something was following me around and trying to harm me.  I don't know, but I don't know who to turn to for something like this.  Or maybe its just my subconscious mind coming to the surface when my conscious mind is down?  Anyone else have this happen?

So after reading about iboga I finally decided to order some up (over a year ago, so yeah I've been too nervous to do it).  I have around 7 or 8 experiences with ayahuasca, and so far all but one have been pretty negative and a few of them terrifying.  I definitely know theres a lot of crap in my life that I need fixed, but it seems the harder I try the worse things seem to get.

I've decided to order up some kambo and do that next, it sounds like a beautiful substance that could help me out.  After reading about panema I realized that I have the worst freakin case of panema on the planet it seems like, I've had very bad luck and incredibly negative experiences in my life for a few decades now.  The first time I did ayahuasca was in peru a few years ago, and ofcourse I was the only one in the whole group who didn't feel a thing, I just sat there sober all night while everyone else had wonderful trips.  This happened 3 times in a row, and finally one the 4th (and final session) I drank 3 full doses because I was so frustrated even though the shaman was reluctant to give me that much, but it still was mild yet enough to make me content after all the time and money I spent for the experience.

Last time I did it was a pharmahuasca dose (400 mg caapi extract + 200 mg dmt) and ofcourse I had no visuals but I felt incredibly negative energy the whole time which luckily didn't take me to hell like the one before did.  Anyways, this goes for all drugs; I literally need 3 to 4 times the normal dose to feel anything, it seems like there is a blockage of some sort going on in my body (that's what the shaman even told me).  I guess i'm scared to do iboga considering I never have good trips and sometimes they scare the crap out of me even if I have good intentions and meditate, etc etc.  Should I just take the plunge?  I know I need a good ass kicking and change of perception in my life but the length of iboga worries me.  I hope this kambo works out, ill have to assess things again after a few kambo sessions I think..

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