Health & Lifestyle => Staying Clean => Topic started by: lightswitchedon on September 04, 2012, 09:55:37 PM

Title: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: lightswitchedon on September 04, 2012, 09:55:37 PM
Thoughts on Recovery

I want to live a life free from active addiction realizing dreams that are beyond comprehension.  My problem is that I am scared of living with a hole inside, a hole that only drugs seem to be able to fill.  As time goes on that hole is becoming smaller and smaller, however I still feel the need to self-medicate at times to deal with the anxiety of work and everyday life.  This must come to an end.  I have trouble being honest about it with my sponsor and trusted friends, although I do tell it in little bits and pieces.

I want what recovery has to offer; the spiritual life, a life where self-realization is possible and lost dreams awaken.  There is something inside that wants to destroy this opportunity and I am told that this is the disease.  Is it diseased thinking?  Maybe it is permanent brain damage, I don’t know.  Others say it is only temporary, but in the here and now it seems so real and the sick part is I want to self-medicate which only prolongs the trouble.  Usually self-medicating leads to outright debauchery in my case, therefore it must cease.  I must come to terms with the fact that I am going to feel like shit at times.  I must get honest about these feelings in order to let others in so that I may be helped; otherwise failure and relapse are inevitable.  I just want the emptiness to fade away and joy to take its place.  I know that this won’t happen overnight, but patience and perseverance don’t always come easy.  I see others relapse and a part of me is jealous and another part of me pities them.  It is the disease that is jealous and my true compassionate self that feels pity.  I want to cultivate the latter.

All that being said, I need to persevere, work steps and realize that this pain and suffering is temporary.  Many addicts say that willpower is not possible, but I disagree.  It was willpower that allowed me to taper off of Suboxone over the course of three years.  It will be willpower (and surrender) that allows me to stop using something for temporary relief of anxiety and insomnia.  When I decide to take a substance to relieve my pain it impedes the healing process, a process that I wholeheartedly want to proceed with.

My biggest fear is getting completely honest with myself and those close to me.  This would create a true accountability and I would not in good conscience be able to use again.  The idea of not using anything ever again terrifies me, at least at the moment.  This is called a reservation, or so I’m told.  I am riddled with fear and anxiety on the inside all the while wearing a happy mask on the outside.  I know that there are some who can see through the façade, but these people know that I must experience enough pain to want to change, to truly stop fighting and surrender. 

All in all I am in a fairly good place right now, but I have a guilt complex exacerbated by every chemical that I have put in my body to change the way that I feel, albeit just a small amount for some slight relief.  There must come a time when I look elsewhere for that relief.  There is certainly a spiritual reality, for I have felt and seen it even though the fear and anxiety blinds me from it much of the time.  When I am good and ready all of my focus will go toward the spiritual solution lest I am doomed.  I am indeed an addict.

I think it is true that there comes a time when the tired old lie “once an addict, always an addict” comes to an end.  We do recover and I must recover.  Life or death, which will I choose?
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: psy on September 05, 2012, 02:43:25 AM
Your honesty and insightfulness into yourself is clear. Naturally you will feel the 'pull', this has occupied you for  a while, fed, you, sustained you, shielded you from what you havent wanted to feel and see, when things are tough. However it may have also denied you experiencing the spirituality and joy that you have had a glimpse of. Persevere, you have found plant medicine, allow it to help you, it has an intelligence, it knows your struggle, if your intentions are there, you are almost over the hurdle. persevere, persevere.......
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: theFathersheart on September 05, 2012, 09:03:37 PM
Light, I wish that I can say, I cannot grasp your feelings or state of being right now, but I can; more than I wish...

I could have posted what you posted, but you were so much more eloquent and it could have very well come from my own heart as I'm sure many others on this forum.

What Psy said: "Naturally you will feel the 'pull', this has occupied you for  a while, fed, you, sustained you, shielded you from what you havent wanted to feel and see, when things are tough. However it may have also denied you experiencing the spirituality and joy that you have had a glimpse of..." This speaks volumes to me and I wish that it did not.

My friend, "There is indeed a peace that passeth all understanding". When you said " My problem is that I am scared of living with a hole inside", I realized my own fears and many similar and certainly fearful moments that I have gone through. I get many glimpses of those moments and they are indeed quite frightening. There were also those posts here that "Calaquendi" shared that made me feel as if I were the one posting that message. Light, you were concerned for Cal and so was I...We are all such frail beings, yet I am convinced that we have a Creator that is romantic , loving and mighty beyond compare and very real. He also becomes concerned about us and , thus "contends" for us. He does have that advantage of being omniscient and being God and all. Anyways, for now, I would just encourage you to remember when Howard Lotsof recalls his first Ibogaine experience, that he recalls "not being afraid anymore" ("afraid of what" is probably a matter of conjecture). We are all so very similar to one another and so inter-connected that it blows my mind. I am convinced that even though, Iboga has the potential of healing our soul, it cannot make us whole. I do not believe that it can "complete us". That "hole" that you speak of is in our very code; it is in the "Kernel" of our very being. "It" seeks to be made complete by our "Maker" or "Author" of the wonderful workmanship that you are. I have learned that our Maker desires to show Himself mighty on our behalf. He truly wants to be our only help and our only strength. He is indeed a romantic God that wants to come to our rescue. Iboga is only one of His little creations that He has allowed to use on some of us to interrupt our lives and get our attention in a very unique way.

Light, I will "contend for you in that other dimension", "in the heavenly places"; yes, I will pray for you.
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: lightswitchedon on September 05, 2012, 10:24:07 PM
Thanks for the kindhearted words.  This community is pioneering in many ways, iboga aside.  You are correct, iboga is only one of the little tools that can bring us closer to our maker.  I have not had a proper flood, but I know this to be a fact.  Plant medicine is a tool, not the end all be all and I think most on these boards know that.  Iboga is not the one God, God is everywhere and in everything as you are quite aware.

We are all brothers and sisters, but I do feel a much stronger connection with some than others, at least at this point in the journey.  I do worry about Cal because I feel very close to him, even though we don't know eachother all that well...or do we?

Life's mysteries are its beauty and that's what makes the journey worthwhile.  I have great respect for plant medicine, shamanism and the likes, however I am more attuned to mysticism.  That is not to say that plant medicine will not continue to have its place in my healing journey.

I believe that we are meant to work together to move toward wholeness and certain people show up in our lives so that we may work together in acheiving this.

I hope to provide input into this forum in regards to proper living, recovery, spirituallity and holistic healing as supplemental to the plant medicine.  Don't get me wrong, I certainly respect iboga, but I have more respect for our ability to work together toward healing with or without these substances.  I am heavily involved in 12-step recovery and have witnessed miracles in recovery.  For me, my recovery extends much further than going to meetings and working steps, although these things are important to me.  The most important thing is knowing thyself, something that I believe will happen all on its own so long as I am on the right path.  It is not to be forced.

theFathersheart, you are certainly a companion on this journey and I wish you all the best.  I am beginning to learn (or remember) love and compassion as it seems you are as well.

Thank you and be well.
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: DR Pockets on November 05, 2012, 12:52:16 PM
I hope I am not overstepping my bounds, but I feel compelled to share this with you. To be clear, I am currently on a low dose of suboxone, and am therefore not clean. However, before I I began suboxone maintenance 3 years ago, before the relapse that led to such an ignorantly desperate decision to do so, I had been clean and HAPPY for over two and a half years. Frankly, it helped that I really had no choice in the matter, but not as much as you may think.
So I will speak from that point of view.
After a miserable couple of years addicted to heroin, I found myself across the country, in san Francisco. My mother had arranged for me to begin a work study program at the Watsu Center, in harbin hot springs California, where I spent the next few years of my life studying massage and bodywork therapy.
Harbin is an hour from calistoga, near red wood forests, far from anywhere.
I went through wd, which went unnoticed in the week prior to the first class, mostly because I stayed in my tent the whole time.
I learned anatomy, physiology, kinesiology. Basic bodywork principles and techniques. I learned how to listen with my hands, in A way that was not dissimilar to playing my guitar. I  became acquainted with my body in new and subtle ways. In short, I was learning how to cultivate a totally new skill set., which happens to have a spiritual and deeply interpersonal aspect.
Meanwhile, I met people. I'm from Delaware, and I can't tell you how apathetic and dismal, and well, old the people are here. These were people who had faith. Not in anything specific, but everyone seemed so inspired. The school was on the hill, the main village (150 residents, few hundred guests) was in the valley, where the pools were. They held 'unconditional dances' twice a week, meditation workshops and yoga daily, any number of community projects. This wasn't a spa- this was their actual lifestyle.
I found myself engaged. There wasn't a reason to hurry. Ever. I kept busy, not on trivial things to keep me distracted, but important things that I wanted to be a part of.
I ended staying for 2 years, acquired a 1000 hr bodywork certificate, a 500 hour watsu therapist certificate, and moved into my gf's house in Berkley. I stayed for 6 months, but when I ran out of money, I hadn't found a job, which I had never needed before. My parents convinced me to return to their house for 2 months, while I prepared for my national exam etc. I left, uneasy and reluctant. When it became clear that my parents had misled me about paying my fare back to California, I sort of fell apart. I used once, and spent the next month in the ICU with septic MRSA and fentanyl.
It doesn't change the time I spent clean. I had a purpose, a set of goals, I had a role in A community that I wanted to be a part of.
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: lightswitchedon on November 05, 2012, 06:07:16 PM
Thanks for sharing that....I look forward to watching you get back on track with things since it certainly sounds like know what it is that you want, or at least the direction that you'd like to take in life. 

I am sort of jealous....subtle, spiritual and deeply interpersonal all tied to the line of work that you will undoubtedly return to if that's where your passion lies.  I am stuck in corporate hell atm, but it is where I need to be as it gives me routine which I so desperately need right now along with a solid paycheck that allows me to pay down on all of the debt that I amassed throughout my addiction.  I have a good job and plenty of time on my hands to cultivate an inner awareness and self-knowing that will ultimately lead me to passionate endeavors.

Good luck coming off of the suboxone and please do your homework before jumping into a flood.  Iboga and suboxone....a tricky one.
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: fritzerman on November 05, 2012, 06:27:05 PM

Just read your post from September 4. Wow, that made the hair on the back my neck stand up. I'm getting to about three months since my flood to get off a 240 mg per day OxyContin habit. I really haven't yet found my stride. I guess I'm also at a pretty good point now compared to where I was with the pain pill habit, but I do have that feeling of an empty hole. I keep telling myself that time and working on the problem will help. I have been using some kratom as a crutch to deal with anxiety and feel guilty about that. Have been doing a little micro-dosing to see if I can get anything out of that in terms of spirituality or answers. Nothing at this point. Trying to get back into the grind of work but having problems with motivation/ambition. I think that years of using the pain pills made me more selfish and self-centered which has led the self-pity. And anyway, your post gave me hope and insight about moving forward instead of staying stuck in this rut. Thanks.
Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: BlueTiger on February 10, 2013, 12:14:53 PM
Dr Pockets and Lightswitchedon,

How are you both doing now?

Lightswithcedon, have you still not flooded? 

Dr Pockets, are you still doing massage? 

How is life you two? 

Title: Re: Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
Post by: Morninggloryseed on March 20, 2013, 05:48:47 PM
I don't know if you are still reading but I know how you feel.  I have been drug addicted (opiates, amphetamine, lorazapam) for the better part of the past 10 years.  I really don't think I wanted to quit, or was comfortable with the idea.  Like you, drugs (opiates specifically) became a part of my identity.  The idea of life without that vital part was incomprehensible.  I obtained ibogaine I think so I could say "I tried everything."  At most, I admitted to family and friends that ibogaine could not cure me but maybe it would help 'reset' my CNS and relieve the "PAWS" I suffered.

Two weeks post ibogaine I am 100% drug free (save for cannabis), have no desire to ever take opiates again, and get higher than almost anything thinking about how good I feel sober.

Don't give up.  Ibogaine works better than you can imagine.