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Eboka General => Micro-Dosing => Topic started by: Muschae on January 27, 2016, 05:38:40 PM

Title: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on January 27, 2016, 05:38:40 PM
Hey, I thought I'd open another topic just for sharing how my microdosing is doing & to ask for advice on this specifically.

Day 1 & 2: nothing substantial is happening

Day 2 & 4: my chest feels uncomfortable or achey at times, but I've had that before, I think it's related to my lack of exercise. Had coffee at work, made me feel unusually anxious for a while then nothing else. I'm sleepy all the time and need to take naps in the afternoon.

Day 5: feeling emotionally numb, but with racing thoughts (feels pretty much like being on a heavy dose of antidepressants), still sleepy and mind feels fuzzy at times

Hope the numbness goes away, it's scaring me.

This is pretty much it for now.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ppole on January 28, 2016, 03:52:43 AM
how many drops do you take daily?

do you know one drop how much rootbark is in it?
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on January 28, 2016, 10:05:55 AM
Hey, this is what the site says:

Iboga TA extract tincture, ratio 1:50 (20 mg/ml). This tincture is made with purified iboga alkaloids in a hydro-alcoholic solution. The TA extract is a semi crude extract, containing all alkaloids. Purity: 50% TA. 5 ml tincture contains 100 mg of this extract. One drop contains approximately 0.5 mg extract. The tincture is packed in high quality Miron glass 5 ml bottles with pipette.

I take two drops every morning, recommended dose is one to two drops a day.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on January 28, 2016, 12:02:58 PM
IMO, the Iboga isn't making you more numb, it is making you more aware of the numbness that you already have.

Awareness is a necessary first step for lasting change.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on January 29, 2016, 09:50:35 AM
Day 7: feeling pretty rough, thoughts are racing and I'm really tired all the time. Actually, probably been tired since day 1. Sometimes I get kindof a tight feeling at the left side of my chest but it doesn't feel like anything alarming. For some reason I have junk food cravings like I haven't had in years.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on January 29, 2016, 11:21:50 AM
I can relate to this, actually. My theory is that I've used asceticism and self-denial (avoiding treats, indulgences) as a coping mechanism in itself. And Iboga puts me in touch with what I really need. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves!

But, if I were you, I'd hold off on microdosing until the big flood, if it's too uncomfortable. That's what I'm doing, anyway.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on January 29, 2016, 02:12:54 PM
It's very uncomfortable but then again, my existence is very uncomfortable  :D I can take a lot of pain and I'm willing to go through it for a month or so to see if anything changes at all.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on January 30, 2016, 11:54:46 AM
Day 8: I don't know what's happening but the sleepiness is out of control. I have no problems sleeping through the night and then three hours in the afternoon. I'm basically sleeping my life away.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 02, 2016, 12:27:17 PM
Day 10: today I decided to take 3 drops of the extract instead of 2. The result - it's bringing out the garbage. I'm feeling very depressed. Anyone have a general idea as to when the microdosing shows results? I'll continue but I hope that the garbage isn't the only thing it'll bring out, hoping for some relief too.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ppole on February 02, 2016, 02:22:56 PM
you are taking a micro-micro dose, I've calculate how much is it, and it is very little in equivalent rootbark
I think it depends on the kind of your illness, maybe for some people microdose is enough for other not, maybe 10 days is too short time to see results
if you go for a flood don't take all in once, take the eqivalent of 4-5 grams bark and wait for instruction from the plant about how much and when
to take the remaining dose
It is not for everyone
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 02, 2016, 03:04:35 PM
Thanks, but Iboga is calling me pretty heavily so I don't think I should have a problem with the flood dose. Will suggest this to my provider though.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 02, 2016, 05:03:37 PM
Remember, you can't just take Iboga and sit and watch the magic happen. You have to actively do stuff if you want to change. Like, try meditating. Improving your diet. Calling up some people you want to (re)connect with. Play soccer.

Or, just wait til the flood so you're not living in garbage.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 04, 2016, 02:17:40 PM
So far the effects seem pretty subtle, but I think that my problems are also pretty severe and doubt that anything other than a full flood could really begin to solve them. I probably need a very hard kick in the a*s, so to say. But I will be trying about 10-15 drops of the extract, maybe more during the weekend to see where that takes me.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 06, 2016, 05:42:41 AM
Day 15: Yesterday I took about 25 drops of the tincture on top of the 3 drops I take in the morning. Felt no threshold effects so I guess I've been taking a very small dose so far. Today I woke up feeling quite blank and numb, I almost felt a little "reset" in a way, but very mildly. It actually felt a little like returning to my childhood state of mind - meaning I'm feeling the same kind of numbness that I was forced to feel as a child. I'm not feeling good at all, I'm still not capable of feeling anything other than mild sadness, anger and boredom. I'm very far away from actual emotions.

But I have to say that I do think that maybe it's not all so bad. I don't recall ever having so many insights into my state of mind. Lately I've been getting a lot of childhood memories and while I don't enjoy them cause they only remind me of how I've never really felt "okay", I still feel like it's teaching me something. I don't feel okay, but this is actually the closest I've EVER been to actually knowing what the f*ck is happening with me, so I'll stick with it for a while longer :)
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 09, 2016, 03:03:11 PM
Day 18: I'm discontinuing microdosing for about a week to see if I'm able to get some feelings back (even if it's negative ones). The numbing is scary and if I didn't know better, I'd take myself for a very cold and logical person that doesn't care about anything. I can listen to music that I found touching a while ago and feel nothing. Same with watching favourite comedy series. Anything that isn't purely logical seems silly to me. Including any loving feelings. Since this is the exact opposite of what I'd like to be - I'd like to get my feelings and passion back - I'm quitting it for a while.

I've read about Iboga curing what they call depersonalization - but this feels a lot like it's actually causing it for me.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 09, 2016, 03:05:04 PM
...At the same time I'm wondering if some people are really like this, by nature? It seems like a very sad way to be. Not a fan of coldness and too much rationality, at all.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 09, 2016, 04:37:28 PM
Interesting, sounds like iboga was taking you back to a place (unpleasant) that you experienced in childhood, so you could re-experience it and process it and release it.

Something that works incredibly well as well, using breathwork: http://www.amazon.com/The-Presence-Process-Journey-Awareness/dp/1897238460

Similar to holotropic breathing. Michael Brown the author discovered this technique to reproduce the effects of peyote rituals done with american indians.

These techniques, using entheogens/otherwise get the prana and chi (same thing?) moving to release emotional blockages that are locked in the body. I see how iboga created a container for me to re-experience, and understand these blockages, which seem to contribute to thought forms and beliefs that held me back as well. A recent huge breakthrough was finally being conscious of the fact that I was approaching all of life unconsciously as a victim. It was ingrained in me as a child (to cope), so was a 400lb guerrilla that I finally got off my back. Giving my power away for no reason serves no one.

I dont think I will ever understand how it is all related: thought forms and emotional body blockages (my ego wants to), just this stuff works when you respect it and do the work. Which I see you are doing.  If you can afford a good therapist that is open to these concepts (soul/spiritual/energetic/vibrational/whatever you want to call it), that can really be a good addition.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 09, 2016, 09:30:03 PM
Day 18: I'm discontinuing microdosing for about a week to see if I'm able to get some feelings back (even if it's negative ones). The numbing is scary and if I didn't know better, I'd take myself for a very cold and logical person that doesn't care about anything. I can listen to music that I found touching a while ago and feel nothing. Same with watching favourite comedy series. Anything that isn't purely logical seems silly to me. Including any loving feelings. Since this is the exact opposite of what I'd like to be - I'd like to get my feelings and passion back - I'm quitting it for a while.

I've read about Iboga curing what they call depersonalization - but this feels a lot like it's actually causing it for me.

In my experience, although Iboga helps you process stuff, it can take you on a wild rollercoaster of mood swings or state changes as you explore yourself. When you're on Iboga, whether it's a microdose or a flood dose, it's all too easy to think, "Agh, I've been like this (current state of mind) for soooo long! I'm gonna be like this forever! What have I done to myself?!?"

It always passes. But you don't have to believe me. Just remember, although it may be cliché: "This, too, shall pass."

Iboga doesn't "cause" anything that you aren't already feeling or holding inside yourself. It brings stuff out. However, if there is something BIG inside you that needs to be processed, and you take just a little bit of Iboga, it can bring it out, but it won't be enough to resolve it. So you've brought up emotional content and your process is *arrested* until you take more Iboga or process it in some other dynamic way. That is the danger with Iboga and other purgative plant medicines.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 10, 2016, 09:58:20 AM
Thanks, both.This helps. Your answers make a lot of sense. Actually I've been exaggerating with the TA extract I'm taking and I've been taking more drops than recommended (15-25) a day. So obviously this could just be that Iboga is actually starting to work, the smaller dose before felt like nothing at all was happening. I will continue until the end of this week to see any changes and decide then if I should quit or not.

 Ddraig, this breathing technique reminds me of mindfulness, is it similar? I'll look into it. My current therapist is pretty open but not trained in any of these concepts, so I'm on my own.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ryu on February 10, 2016, 11:15:44 AM
Hi Muschae,

Are you practicing Mindfulness at the moment or do you have any experience of mindfulness?

If so, is it helping at all?

:-)

Ryu
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 10, 2016, 07:27:41 PM
Yes, I agree with RythmnSpring, if you have a lot to process, something BIG, like my 400Lb Gorilla (not guerilla!) it may take some time, perhaps a long time, even months or years to truly process and grow through. You have to work with the medicine, and I have tried to have iboga work for me a couple of times, and in my experience, it never goes as planned (but that is always a positive lesson nonetheless!). Things will happen when they are meant to. Surrender. The intention to grow, whatever that brings.

Yes the breathework is for mindfulness, present, in the moment, and its heavy enough to touch  Stanislov Goff's Holotropic breathwork territory, but more subtle (http://reset.me/story/entering-psychedelic-state-without-psychedelics-inside-holotropic-breathwork/). When you do the breathework regularly for 10 minutes in morning and at night, its very powerful, not unlike some of the positive effects of microdosing.
I recommend checking out his book, he adds a 10 week course with intention added.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 11, 2016, 10:26:56 AM
Ryu, to me mindfulness was useful to calm me down and give me more perspective but my problems are too big for it to help substantially. In the end I learned how to not identify with my pain everytime, but since I didn't find a way to resolve it, I just learned how to take more pain than usual. I think that it can be really helpful to some people though.


Thanks for the suggestion, Ddraig. Yesterday I took my dose of Iboga before a nap and ended up having a dream that gave me fast sequences of painful memories one after another. I think that's releasing them? But since I have so many, I went through maybe 0.0000000..(etc)0001% of them. I can't imagine how it would feel like to process everything during the flood. It would probably take several floods just to clear the majority of my traumas.


Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 11, 2016, 11:34:50 AM
"In the end I learned how to not identify with my pain everytime, but since I didn't find a way to resolve it, I just learned how to take more pain than usual."

Brilliant insight.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 11, 2016, 12:36:28 PM
Just a quick Q - it's very unlikely that Iboga could make me go "crazy" and leave me permanently unwell, right? I just had some anxiety rising up.

Also RhythmSpring, thanks. You're always so kind about the things I post on here :)
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 11, 2016, 09:55:04 PM
Just a quick Q - it's very unlikely that Iboga could make me go "crazy" and leave me permanently unwell, right? I just had some anxiety rising up.

Stick around people you love/who love you, forge relationships with those people, and you'll find yourself questioning your sanity less and less.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 12, 2016, 12:16:59 AM
Thanks, but I can't unfortunately. I'm so blocked up that I can't feel love properly and don't know how to love at all. I end up hurting people because of this. I never want to repeat what I did to my ex, so unfortunately I'm all on my own for now.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 12, 2016, 05:43:22 AM
Well, by reading your posts, I think you are faaaaar away from insanity. I find there are a few things you can do, however, to keep it that way:

1) Eat a well-rounded diet. That means including sources of as many amino acids as possible. That means: Bone broths, organ meats, cheeses, eggs, fish, other animal proteins, in addition to vegetable proteins. Gluten is a vegetable protein, too!
2) Cold water. Cold showers, or swimming in a lake, the ocean, or a pool if these aren't available.
3) Aerobic exercise often.
4) Work/feel useful/exercise the mind with problem-solving.
5) And of course, like I already suggested, other people.
6) So many things.

But really, you'll be fine.

Have you considered skipping microdosing and just going straight for a flood with a sitter? I'm not necessarily recommending this, but it may be the difference between pulling the band-aid off really slow, and ripping it off in one fell swoop.

Another thing you can try is when you are *not* microdosing Iboga, try oral (not smoked!) cannabis. I find that oral cannabis helps me integrate and process recent master medicine experiences, especially ones that feel unresolved.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Poonja on February 12, 2016, 10:16:06 AM
Perhaps the unconditional love of a pet.  Puppy or kitten but preferably a puppy. Not a bad place to start learning about caring of another living creature.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 12, 2016, 10:27:31 AM
Yes I want to do the flood asap, I think I'm ready for it, but I'll only have the money to do it in April. I'll be flying to Holland to do it with an experienced guide. I want to do it this way because of my mental state. I'll be more relaxed this way. But if it were possible, I'd do it today already. I have nothing to lose.

Otherwise smoking weed "caused" my huge nervous breakdown last year (or maybe just helped it happen earlier, dunno), and I rarely had good experiences with it, smoked or oral, so I'm not that into it at the time.

And thanks for the health suggestions, though they are hard to follow.

Poonja, I have a cat. It helps to have her around  :)
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 12, 2016, 10:18:56 PM
Great insight Muschae, definitely can relate to much of what you write. Identifying with pain was part of my identity as a victim. Its was so subtle and pervaded every part of my life. Part of my shadow.
Definitely be around loved ones, and people that love you, when you do the work, that will sort itself out. Also accepting the people that make us unpleasant, and not running away from them (obv. within reason). People that get under my skin, there are much fewer now, are like reflections of my shadow. So being with the feelings, non-judgmentally (to the feelings and the person) to process them can be huge, journaling them as well. Reclaiming my projections, and less people get under my skin, since its true much of what Freud and Jung wrote. The outside world (or at least how it is perceived) does seem to be a representation of the inner world.

What you write about love, I very much identify with as well. There is a lot I have worked on over the last 2 years with infatuation and love sex addiction. All of these issues seem to mainly go back to attachment issues in my earliest years to a mother who my therapist says is a classic case of borderline personality disorder (just a label of course)m and an alcoholic abusive and rageful father (and I inherited both sides lol). I was suffering from bpd traits unknowingly for many years, and got into a push-pull,  thrilling, yet traumatic dance with another likely bpd traited person. Both reflecting and projecting onto each other with uncanny perfection! So yeah, I'm glad now that this person was in my life, so I could eventually get help and process my regressions back into babyhood around this person. Now, I realize, that this person I have real feelings for, but can step back from the drama and have the chance to not react and show real love and compassion, even though I think they are smoking hot.  :o




Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 13, 2016, 06:44:49 AM
Ddraig, thanks. I definitely identify with being a victim. With me it's huge. I have a  "just shut up and take it" mentality. It's one reason that I'm going to do the flood. I have so much pain trapped in me that I'm almost surprised I haven't gotten cancer or something similar from all the inner stress yet. But I can't be around anyone at the time. After the breakdown I was only left with about two friends (who remind me of the overly analytical part of myself too much and I fall under that influence way too easily) and my parents and sister (who make me want to slit my throat when I'm around them, literally). My ex boyfriend won't see me anymore. For a good reason. When we were together I could only feel real love when we were together alone for longer periods of time, physically and all. Also, mushrooms helped. When I went abroad for 5 months, my body just decided to shut that down. I still somehow knew that I loved him but I couldn't feel it. It was horrifying. And all the repressed sh*t in my head started to pour out (I think that love helped keep it down before) and I just fell apart. I didn't know what I was feeling 99% of the time. We had a really strong bond and all he could do is watch me become more and more uncaring and horrible to him. It's my biggest regret, he's a beyond wonderful person and our true selves fit together beyond anything I've ever expected to experience in my life. In a very soulmatey way. But I've forced him to stop loving me. And the guilt and regret would be tearing me apart if I was able to actually feel, but I'm quite empty.

And I've realized that other then with my ex, I'm very much unable to feel love and have been like this my whole life. It's the cause of most of my pain. The world is garbage without love. Very cold. I can't even "love" a hobby, or hang out with friends. It's why I became so empty and why I feel like I'm trapped in this analytical personality that I feel has nothing to do with me. If were taught how to bond as a child, I would be so so SO different as a person. When I get short flashes of love it's like a dr jekyll/mr hyde situation. I'm someone warm and fun, not cold and overthinking.

And I had something like that with my ex. Not so much the bpd stuff, but we'd both have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and kindof wallow in there. I guess we both have problems with feeling like a victim. Though my issues are waay worse than his.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 13, 2016, 06:58:41 AM
Also, about my microdosing - I think it's gonna take a flood to clear out what it's brought up. Realized that two and a half decades of extremely messed up mentality won't clear out that easily. Though it's interesting to see what it's bringing up. I feel incredibly numb and don't care about absolutely anything. I could lie in bed all day every and do nothing (which is what I'm doing). I remember now that most of my childhood was like this. Can't see now how nobody noticed and thought that it was normal. Ah well, clueless parents. What do you do when you realize that 95% of your life has been extremely dysfunctional? If Iboga were to clear out my trauma, it would have to clear out my whole life. Then I'm left with hardly anything. Which is not all that different from my life right now.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 15, 2016, 10:51:31 AM
Yes, many people in the world, have issues to work through. Many of us here have had the great opportunity, thanks to papa iboga, to finally start maturing and grow up and be who we really are. There is a reason that indigenous people and older cultures around the world had a rite-of-passage for adolescents, its stuff pertaining to the heart, and a larger picture of things.. Something imo, lacking in modern society.

Iboga will definitely help clear out a ton of trauma. The flood is a full on reset and new start. You have to be ready to let go of old identities though and move on into new unknown territory of the heart. Sounds like you are. I microdosed last night after a long time, just a gram, and there is nothing like this for me. Sort of got into some old habits recently, and got some major processing down and insight/connections. Its like its coming from a higher source. I find having a good therapist, allows me to share my insights from iboga with them from my journal, which can sometimes add further refinement, but this is not essential, since everything is brought up to be processed by the medicine.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 15, 2016, 11:29:51 AM
I've noticed something about my microdosing too (it's day 24 of microdosing I think). Most of the time it feels like it's either doing nothing or I just feel "odd" for a while before I start noticing that it actually IS doing something to me, just very subtle. It's difficult to explain so I won't elaborate too much. Yesterday I couldn't sleep and I got this odd feeling that wasn't like receiving visions, it was just like my thoughts being guided in some way. And they had a flavor. The flavor of old slavic cartoons that I watched as a very small child. Then I could clearly see a huge sinkhole in the middle of the ocean with water cascading and taking trash down with it. Could be that I'm just influenced by reading too many Iboga trip reports but this was pretty close to what I've read so far about "taking out the garbage". The amount of the extract I take doesn't seem to influence it, it happens almost randomly. Maybe I'd have better results with actual rootbark.

And with me it's not so much a question of whether to let go of old identities.. Since I don't really have any. My life so far has been very empty so I hope that Iboga could take me past that. Hoping that I could somehow get past all the emptiness and the life that I've missed while other people were busy living theirs.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 15, 2016, 12:28:26 PM
I feel like this higher source, which I call papa iboga, will use whatever means to communicate with us. I found in my microdosing journey last night,and in times before, that symbols are used from things I was experiencing earlier in the day or week (like from media I was interacting with) or from my past, to very succinctly give insight to my consciousness. Usually with a sense of humor to it! Getting to see how silly I was to be so serious etc... or how something very profound and emotional from childhood. Heartful gut laughter and yawning are usually signs to me that I'm processing/purging things.

After a full flood experience, you may get more out of microdosing.

I'm still processing from last night, and felt the need to check out Mary Shutan's blog this morning, and this article which coincidentally (or not!) perfectly covered the exact themes in my journey last night: http://maryshutan.com/the-mothering-wound-and-the-infant-self/

which you might get something from.

I basically was given more awareness of, and processed, a lot of spiteful anger I still kept in my subconscious at my mother from very very young years (like younger than 3) which came out in different ways (which Mary's article succinctly describes), much of it ultimately self-sabotaging. A example is, when things go real well for me, like my current job is truly a blessing, I have a cool manager, flexible hours, so many positives etc.., I will sometimes find a way to get in late enough times (despite the flexi hours!) to create some type of drama. I was shown clearly how this goes back to my unresolved anger towards my mother (authoritarian figures like managers and the place of work itself take the place of providers right?). My self-sabotaging behavior and frustration at my mother was shown to me as myself as a baby boy, spending much time constructing a train set, then breaking it all apart, literally snapping a toy rail in half. Man, I have acted this way (unconsciously mostly) in many relationships in my life. Especially the push-pull dynamics with a perceived 'nemesis' of mine, who I am also grateful for the gifts they brought.

The great thing is, as I've been able to process this stuff over time, my relationship to my mother has improved considerably, and I have much more compassion for her struggles. There is no doubt in my mind that both parents loved me, they just struggled with their own shit and did not know how to parent. And iboga gets me to see that it is not about my mother, or blaming her, it is about me, and my behaviors and taking responsibility, where true freedom is.  Sorry, dont mean to hijack your own thread, just wanted to relate :-)


So yes, Iboga will help process and integrate these issues, it is exceptional for that, just I recommend not having too many expectations for you own flood journey, based on other reports. Focus on yourself. We all get what we need at the time.

EDIT: also wanted to add, that a lot of this anger came from not being able to be myself or be validated (unconditionally loved) adequately, by 2 parents who struggled with their own authenticity, despite both having many great qualities. So the anger and self sabotage are like symptoms and are related to people pleasing/passive aggressive behaviors, other symptoms of surviving not thriving. Living a life disconnected from heart/true purpose is exhausting as well, probably why many of us came on this path.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 15, 2016, 01:46:33 PM
Wow, you reminded me of how I've come across this not long ago: http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/bonding.htm About 95% of what's written there is how I've been living my life. Since I first read it a few weeks ago, some things about me have just fallen into place. Your link is very similar to what's written in mine.

Thanks for all this btw. I don't think you're hijacking the thread.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 15, 2016, 02:17:05 PM
And thanks for the link. Though I've realized that reading these kinds of things is just one more thing that this "analytical" part of me (that I'm trying to let go as much as I can) uses to get away from really living life. If I were to go outside now I would just analyze everyone I meet in terms of what I've read and not feel connected. It's a curse, really. Sometimes I just want to get drunk with people and do silly things instead of analyzing.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 15, 2016, 02:42:20 PM
Thanks for that great article. :) I still struggle with bonding with other people, too much perceived risk of showing my true colors, but that has lessened considerably. Part of it is, also, I no longer want to 'bond' with some of my older acquaintances in the same way anymore.

His Can This Bonding Wound be "Cured"? is pretty much spot on, like the rest of the article. We can definitely heal, though like he says, cure is an inappropriate term. Our past experiences make us who we are. I liked what an fellow in my old AA meeting related. That when you stitch a sock back together, it is stronger than the original sock.

12 steps groups can sometimes get a bad rep, since the inspired spiritual principles related by the originator AA's Bill W., easily get misconstrued by people that have not experienced the states he talks about. Many people in AA lead relatively happy lives making AA the higher power, imo, not fully getting the freedom that Bill W. was talking about. Working the 12 steps after my flood was very beneficial for me, since I saw how Bill W.s words re-iterated what iboga showed me. Also, 12 step meetings are great way to connect and practice connecting with fellows in an unconditional way which really I am so grateful for. I think its good, in recovery, at least initially to have commitments to keep me going week to week, day to day even. In some ways, doing the steps for me, is similar to rite-of-passage rituals and taking certain entheogens. Its an ego-deflation process, to help see a bigger picture with a great reward at the end of it, and so many gems, like learning how to be disciplined pragmatically in looking after yourself spiritually day to day, which I still neglect (something good rarely comes easy). If you do not have to deal with substance abuse at first, I really recommend the 12 step grandchild of AA: Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunction Families. Some people who do AA/NA first, go onto second stage recovery to deal with family of origin issues, which this program is inspired for and I can see a lot of people in my old AA home group who might benefit from doing this work. http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

btw, yes, I get the over-analyzing. I still catch myself analyzing/over-thinking when I am stressed and not looking after myself. Actually last night, I was shown myself comically gibbering rationalizations to myself , which caused me to LOL. :-) The message was, stop talking and LIVE. :-)
Definitely have a plan ready for post-flood, change of diet, exercise, doing that something you always wanted to do etc... :-) 
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 15, 2016, 03:22:18 PM
Do you think there's a possibility of doing a complete personality revamp after the flood? I know you talk about healing slowly and doing things step by step etc. But I've come to the conclusion that I have just ONE huge block, keeping me from who I want to be. It's the lack of love. I've been through so much therapy and self help books and meditation and yoga etc etc... that I know that DOING things doesn't cut it for me. I've spent the last ten years trying to "do" things, and I think all of what I've done would have helped me a lot if I was just able to feel love, that's all. For me it doesn't help to do things, because I'm so disconnected from myself that I don't know if the real me would ever do them, all the doing just feels completely empty.

All I know is that when I get those very brief "flashes" of love, the first thing that happens is a flood of regret. Regret for how I've lived and treated people because I wasn't able to see that they deserve to be treated well. Then the next thing is regret for wasting my life completely, because I never was able to connect with anyone (only my ex boyfriend for a while, that's all). Then the realization comes - I'm really a very simple and very hm, buoyant person I guess. The kind of person that would never "waste" time in forums like this because I'd be too busy being outside having a life. Going out, traveling, meeting people, making things, always pushing my boundaries by dunno, organizing LSD orgies or something (just an example, dunno if I'd be any good at it :D).

It feels like this lack of love is almost all that's holding me back, because not only am I unable to connect with people, I can't connect with interests either. I'm just not allowed. Nothing really comes through to me. I'm empty. I'm not exaggerating, I literally don't give a sh*t about anything other than coldly analyzing everything and that analyzing tricks me into thinking I have a personality. Just because I've taken other people's opinions and analyzed what the best, safest version of those opinions is so I can act like that's my own opinion. But there's no input from the real me, no actual like or dislike involved most of the time. Just doing whatever the most "acceptable" citizens are doing. I'm dead inside.

And when love comes, it's like I get myself back. It's like I'm allowed to be myself for the first time ever. And this personality is so different from my usual robotic everyday self that I'm not surprised I spent my whole life in so much pain. It's like putting the soul of a bohemian into the mind of an accountant and the accountant calls all the shots.

Don't know if this makes any sense to you at all. I just feel like I'm one flick of a switch away from being human. I just hope Iboga can help.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 16, 2016, 02:06:21 AM
"Do you think there's a possibility of doing a complete personality revamp after the flood? "
Not sure what you mean by this, but a flood gives a reset, yes. For me that was like literally being born again. Its like me, but with all the negative thoughts forms and jadedness scrubbed off. Its a great chance at a new start. For me, like others, it changed me for the positive, reconnected me to my heart. I believe that this plant can work wonders when you work with it. Saying that, life will go on after the flood, and what was experienced in the flood, will be a great guide for the future. in actuality, things shown to me clearly in my flood, which I forgot, due to sometimes going back to old habits, I found out the long way, were spot on. But I think iboga teaches us how to live, then it is up to us to do it. Just my opinion from my own experience, so dont take it as official. Your experience may be wonderfully far different than mine.
Wish you all the best Muschae.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 16, 2016, 10:49:52 AM
Thank you. I really wish for that reset. But I know it's different for everyone. I hope you don't mind, just a few more questions from me. If you become reset how come then it's possible to go back to old habits? Don't you lose that desire for self destructive behavior? Or does it take a lot of work to keep that fresh mindset?
For example, if you had a traumatic memory that made you feel you are somehow not worthy of good things and Iboga scrubbed it away, why would you still go back to behavior that you developed because of that particular trauma?
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 16, 2016, 12:14:17 PM
good questions. Im not sure that I can answer, but will give my take.
There is a period called the iboglow after a flood,and I will get this to a degree also right after when I microdose after not doing it for a long time. The day after the flood I had no taste for processed food (it tasted horrible to me, and I knew it was not good), only wanted fresh fruit and vegetables.  I then chose to go back to the habit of eating food not as healthy for me, even though it did not taste the same anymore. I also chose to drink coffee again, even though I had no need to. Eventually processed food tasted OK again. Its the same with how I chose to respond to old situations, and not making the changes that iboga showed me I could make. Iboga opened up doors that I couldnt see before, it is up to me to step through them. It is not a magic bullet to solve all my problems.
I have read that the brain is plastic, that new pathways can get formed all throughout life, which I have read iboga can help form. But it requires effort in changing old habits after the iboglow has gone to keep creating/reinforcing these new pathways. Thats why during the iboglow, is a great time to use to really start anew and get things going. I have also read that early trauma and experiences/environment affect how the amygdala gets wired and sets up years of thoughts and behaviors that also probably create pathways in the brain, like a feed back loop. That's a lot of wiring that goes back to earliest years. That's a lot of emotional memory, that I can now choose better how to deal with and heal from. But the good news is that we can heal, transform and change.

I found that iboga gave me exactly everything I needed to go forward with. Dont worry, I think you are overthinking it. I will tell you this though, if you want to take it to feel better, then just go back to the old way of life, that is what you will get. Iboga made my old life style by and large no longer interesting to me, but I am still human and a work in progress, and still had much work to ahead of me to keep healing, but it gets easier and easier. 

EDIT: long story short, my life post-iboga compared to pre-iboga is like night and day. And things I have tried post-iboga, I wouldnt of been open to before, have generally only made it better. But again, life goes on, and gives lessons, painful choices etc... trusting your gut vs the fears of the ego, failing at it, but not beating yourself up. etc.. etc...


Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 16, 2016, 01:34:05 PM
Okay, thanks. I guess that I'm worried that even if I could get reset, all of it would go away after it wears off. Like I said, I've been improving my life for a decade now, but haven't really felt any emotional improvement, so it's not a problem of motivation. My head and memories and feelings are all tied up in knots that just make life not worth living, that's the problem. I don't know why exactly that is. And yes, I'm overthinking this, as always :)

But if I got to somehow clear my head from all the self-hatred and regret that would be more than enough, amazing even.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 16, 2016, 05:31:03 PM
Yes, I can say that a flood would most definitely clear the head! :-)
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 17, 2016, 09:40:50 AM
Yes, I can say that a flood would most definitely clear the head! :-)

I would replace "most definitely" with "probably," or even "possibly." It's not a sure thing. There are a lot of factors that play into the success of a flood, including the sitter, the setting, one's diet, presence of cool water (important!), etc. But yes, it is important to be optimistic.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 17, 2016, 12:44:26 PM
Thanks, yes you are right. There a lot of factors. Definitely preparing for it beforehand goes a long way for better success.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 17, 2016, 02:00:20 PM
I think I'll prepare by slowly changing my diet for the better, taking some supplements, trying to exercise more and maybe kambo. I'll also be taking it with an experienced sitter in a nice setting, so I'm hoping all this will amount to something.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: RhythmSpring on February 17, 2016, 02:13:03 PM
My advice about diet is to eat an as varied, nourishing, and satisfying (emotionally, sensorially, and physically) diet as possible, until a couple days before the flood, then eat light foods (fresh fruits and vegetables) to be as cleaned out as possible. A lot of people swear by a ~24-hour fast beforehand, too.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 18, 2016, 10:15:22 AM
Thanks. Do you have any advice for how to prepare for after the flood? Is it good to prepare for some life changes?
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: ddraig on February 18, 2016, 11:41:13 AM
What rythmspring said. Thats what I did. I did a 24 hour fast before hand, but I did cheat and have some vegetarian indian food the day before :-)  If you take alcohol or other drugs, abstain from them if you can a few days to a week before. If you cant, make sure you be off them 24 hours or more pre-flood. Do not have experience with substances like suboxone, so not sure the best protocol with them.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 18, 2016, 01:41:37 PM
Hey, thanks for the tips. I don't have any alcohol or drug habits, so I should be fine in this regard. I'm just wondering if there is anything that would make my life after the flood easier that I can prepare for before the flood.
Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Alexandra Lost on February 18, 2016, 11:19:06 PM
Thank you. I really wish for that reset. But I know it's different for everyone. I hope you don't mind, just a few more questions from me. If you become reset how come then it's possible to go back to old habits? Don't you lose that desire for self destructive behavior? Or does it take a lot of work to keep that fresh mindset?
For example, if you had a traumatic memory that made you feel you are somehow not worthy of good things and Iboga scrubbed it away, why would you still go back to behavior that you developed because of that particular trauma?

Let me jump in here. I micro-dosed starting in June 2013 ( steadily for about a month, then on and off for another 6 months or so.) I was seeking addiction interruption as well as personality reset. I was taking opium poppies, kratom, Prozac and Welbutrin ( all in small doses and I would mix it up, varying the cocktail so I didn't get physically dependent on any one drug.) So one day I realized I hadn't been sober in so long that I had completely lost my true self.

I managed to taper to practically nothing before I began microdosing and then I stopped completely when I started taking the root bark capsules. Long story short ( search for my posts if you want the long story long ) it worked and I am clean and I have a new life.

Anyway- for my take on your question - think of a "thought" as the neurons in your brain firing in a particular pattern. That pattern burns ruts into your brain much like the wheels of a cart make ruts in a dirt road. The " reset" can act like a plow, churning your thought patterning and smoothing out the ruts, but if you fall into the old thought patterns you'll burn the same ruts back in. The iboga energy should be channeled into finding the new perspectives that will allow you to move to more empowering thought patterns, without pushing back against the old ones ( which can backfire).

I found the tools for this in yoga, meditation,chakra therapy and breathwork. These may not be for everyone but they worked for me.

One thing I found when I was microdosing was that there was often a homeopathic like effect. I found smaller doses to be more effective - they had an energizing effect that I didn't get in larger doses -- so I often felt more from one 325mg rootbark capsule than I did with 2 or 3.

And my last point is that the best way to make the reset stick is to use the iboga glow period to start building a new life......new hobbies and pastimes, I recommend things involving exercise and/or meeting new people with shared interests. This will help you in the long run.  I only slipped once with the opium poppies ( the most problematic ingredient in my cocktail ) and that was about a year after I quit. It was a beautiful summer day and the kid was away on vacation. I was doing some deep housecleaning and I began to find stray pieces of poppy pod. So, some part of me thought " you know what would make this day even better?", so I ground up the pod pieces and mixed then with some yogurt. Now, it didn't seem like that much and I wasn't expecting more than a little buzz, but as soon as I got to yoga class it kicked in hard, I couldn't connect with anything and the easiest sequences were suddenly hard. And my friends were noticing this so I told them I was feeling really sick all of a sudden and I went home instead of going out to dinner with them. I spent the night in that weird opium trance, not really sleeping but drifting in and out of dreams - which I used to like but it just annoyed me that night.

Im actually glad this happened because I haven't been at all tempted since, and it all comes down to having a new life that is totally incompatible with my old ways.

Title: Re: My microdosing progress
Post by: Muschae on February 20, 2016, 12:14:29 PM
Thanks for the input. So what you mean is that I can't keep up with the habits I have now (when I don't feel well) after the flood and just expect that life will be immensely better. I have to change things to make the better mindset "stick". Got it. Thanks.

edit: Like I mentioned before, with me the "doing" is not a problem, I've been trying pretty hard to make my life better in the past years, through meditation, yoga, exercise, diet, therapy, socializing etc etc, but nothing has really made a change in my mindset. There's a huge knot in my psyche that so far nothing has really touched. I feel like I need to be reborn, desperately. I hate who I am right now.