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Topics - lightswitchedon

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1
The Muse / we're all made of gold
« on: August 14, 2014, 08:30:01 AM »
It was like someone turned on the lights and suddenly everyone could see the scared shaky being that had long been hiding behind false armor and shifting masks.  It was terror in every sense of the word and at some point the realization hit that there were only two options.  Transform and transcend it or crawl back into that dark, isolated chamber of doom and despair.  The latter seemed like a death sentence leaving one no other choice but to boldly face the light and begin to ascend.  Little did one know that the light was burning the darkness out of one’s being little by little as mysterious alchemical processes began to sift the decadent filth from ones psyche until the splendorous golden nuances, uniquely tailored to each being, were all that remained.  The long-lived Phoenix is alive once again.

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Diet & Recipes / Ghost Pipe
« on: August 25, 2013, 09:20:26 AM »
So brother's wife recently found and gathered a bunch of this somewhat obscured fungus.  When I first saw it and she briefly described what she had read about it, there was an intuitive feeling that it holds some promise.  She is making a tincture and I am very much looking forward to sampling and reporting back findings.

Does anyone have experience with this plant?  Here are some 'ramblings' about it:

http://greenmanramblings.blogspot.com/2010/07/ghost-pipe-monotropa-uniflora.html

It certainly seems to pique some interest.

3
Eboka Journals / The Porcupine - Connecting the Dots
« on: July 25, 2013, 11:24:10 AM »
So last year before an attempted Iboga flood I had a couple of dreams about porcupines.  I have always been interested in dream interpretation, especially when animals or possible totems are involved.  In these particular dreams I would see a porcupine and it would look rather inviting, so much so that I wanted to pet the little guy.  Now, I know that isn't usually a great idea, but dream me didn't seem to care.  When I approached Mr. Porcupine, his quills spiked and he expanded into a very large figure.  I was not threatened, but rather dissapointed because it wouldn't let me near.  Next I'd wake up.  This dream occurred a couple of times.

I never actually reconsidered this dream up until quite recently.  Not long ago I stumbled across the Pygmy legend of the iboganaut porcupine.  Was reading this incredible account:

http://www.warriorpoet.us/2012/03/01/truth-in-ibogas-eden/

While reading, almost immediately I was taken aback.  I could recall the visions that I did have when the flood dose began to hit my system.  There were several, but by far the most pronounced and at the same time disconcerting was the little guy who would "swim" up to my third eye and stubbornly.....well I am not sure, but he would like cross his arms if he had any arms to cross and then stick his nose up and turn around to "swim" away.  I was being snubbed.  He did this a couple of times and I tried to describe some of it to my healer/sitter friend and he did believe it to be the spirit of Iboga and told me that he can be playful.  I truly felt like I was being rebuked, but at the same time was told that we would meet again when I was ready.  This was all being directly perceived by me at the time and I did not like it and everything went south.  Now, granted I was not only attempting to come off suboxone (a bitch with Iboga) but had dosed opiates too close to flood time.  None of that takes away from the fact of the visions, which also included a group of Africans hovering over me as I was laying on what seemed to be a hamock on the beach.  They were offering blessings of healing and well-being, that I could feel.

So I said all that to say that I recognized immediately, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the little guy who seemed to dissaprove of something with my flood was for sure a porcupine.  A few weeks back I was looking up pictures of porcupines and was just like "damn, how did I not see that?"

Today I strongly feel that Iboga is a big part of my path, and it already has been.  I really look forward to the time when the porcupine opens the door for me.  Now crazy me even wants to flood in the beautiful Porcupine Mountains (Ojibwe name for some rolling, expansive hills in UP Michigan) during the summer season, although I wouldn't do this because of legal concerns.  So I guess it'll be Canada, again. :)

4
General Discussion / Clouded
« on: June 12, 2013, 10:08:48 AM »
Hi all -

I've been struggling some lately with the fact that my thinking and brain functioning seems to be severely impaired, something that I couldn't see until all of the chemicals were out.  I was taking something pretty much every day for almost 10 years and when I first became abstinent from pharmaceuticals a little over 6 months ago I have definitely felt the full extent of everything that I had been masking.  That is, being way overly self-conscious and self-critical, socially awkward, etc etc.  At first, just being clean was a little bit of a rush with a freeing feeling even though I was incredibly anxious.  My fast-paced job kept me on my toes and I just stayed in overdrive.  A couple of months ago, a new door opened resulting in me taking a nice, mellow job....one that allows for me to focus on my recovery, well-being and general convalesence.

Now everything has slowed down and I am just left with a feeling of being in the fog most of the time.  Struggling to think and communicate clearly and just feeling socially awkward.  My guess is that this is totally normal and I am simply now in a phase where everything is settled down and I am starting to heal.  Problem I have is the mental acuity that I have once known seems virtually non-existent and my ability to communicate thoughts and feelings is greatly hampered.  Not too big a deal if I know it is only temporary and I didn't feel like everybody else could see this awkwardness in me.

I talk a little about this stuff to ppl in the 12-step programs and they say to keep coming back ::).....I know, I know.

I would just like to know that some others have made it to the other side and then to the other side of the other side if ya know what I am sayin'.

I have much love and appreciation for this community.

Thanks.

5
Staying Clean / Depression, Boredom and Lonliness
« on: October 08, 2012, 10:45:30 AM »
After years of being on opiates these are the troublesome things that make living day to day life difficult.  How does everyone else cope with this after opiates?  Even with work and NA friends, other friends....it doesn't matter, the feelings are there.   They are a void of some sort and I think the void was present prior to when the using began.

Forget the source of the void (spiritual longing possibly), what have others done to move forward drug-free?  I know all recovering or ex opiate addicts know the feeling.

Thanks.

6
General Discussion / When Life Happens - Damn Expensive Car Repairs
« on: September 18, 2012, 10:30:27 AM »
OK, so everything had been going so well and I am driving my Mazda 3 home from a white water rafting trip on Saturday and when I down shift from 5th to 4th gear I got nothing, dead in the water.  This is what I get for driving a 2.0L Mazda 3 like a 370Z.

I am looking at $1,500 for a new tranny. 

That is cutting into my finances to the point where I considered canceling my trip to Peru in December, then I decided hell no...I am still going no matter what.  Too much of an opportunity to pass up.  Indigineous peoples, genuine curanderos and a couple of aya ceremonies by people with years of experience.  If possible, I am going to get deep into the jungle to the matses, but this is unlikely as it would prove difficult.

7
Staying Clean / Ahh F-it, I'll Post This
« on: September 04, 2012, 09:55:37 PM »
Thoughts on Recovery

I want to live a life free from active addiction realizing dreams that are beyond comprehension.  My problem is that I am scared of living with a hole inside, a hole that only drugs seem to be able to fill.  As time goes on that hole is becoming smaller and smaller, however I still feel the need to self-medicate at times to deal with the anxiety of work and everyday life.  This must come to an end.  I have trouble being honest about it with my sponsor and trusted friends, although I do tell it in little bits and pieces.

I want what recovery has to offer; the spiritual life, a life where self-realization is possible and lost dreams awaken.  There is something inside that wants to destroy this opportunity and I am told that this is the disease.  Is it diseased thinking?  Maybe it is permanent brain damage, I don’t know.  Others say it is only temporary, but in the here and now it seems so real and the sick part is I want to self-medicate which only prolongs the trouble.  Usually self-medicating leads to outright debauchery in my case, therefore it must cease.  I must come to terms with the fact that I am going to feel like shit at times.  I must get honest about these feelings in order to let others in so that I may be helped; otherwise failure and relapse are inevitable.  I just want the emptiness to fade away and joy to take its place.  I know that this won’t happen overnight, but patience and perseverance don’t always come easy.  I see others relapse and a part of me is jealous and another part of me pities them.  It is the disease that is jealous and my true compassionate self that feels pity.  I want to cultivate the latter.

All that being said, I need to persevere, work steps and realize that this pain and suffering is temporary.  Many addicts say that willpower is not possible, but I disagree.  It was willpower that allowed me to taper off of Suboxone over the course of three years.  It will be willpower (and surrender) that allows me to stop using something for temporary relief of anxiety and insomnia.  When I decide to take a substance to relieve my pain it impedes the healing process, a process that I wholeheartedly want to proceed with.

My biggest fear is getting completely honest with myself and those close to me.  This would create a true accountability and I would not in good conscience be able to use again.  The idea of not using anything ever again terrifies me, at least at the moment.  This is called a reservation, or so I’m told.  I am riddled with fear and anxiety on the inside all the while wearing a happy mask on the outside.  I know that there are some who can see through the façade, but these people know that I must experience enough pain to want to change, to truly stop fighting and surrender. 

All in all I am in a fairly good place right now, but I have a guilt complex exacerbated by every chemical that I have put in my body to change the way that I feel, albeit just a small amount for some slight relief.  There must come a time when I look elsewhere for that relief.  There is certainly a spiritual reality, for I have felt and seen it even though the fear and anxiety blinds me from it much of the time.  When I am good and ready all of my focus will go toward the spiritual solution lest I am doomed.  I am indeed an addict.

I think it is true that there comes a time when the tired old lie “once an addict, always an addict” comes to an end.  We do recover and I must recover.  Life or death, which will I choose?

8
General Discussion / A must read about PAWS
« on: August 12, 2012, 07:52:40 AM »
Hey folks, I have had a HUGE breakthrough with PAWS.  I expect some feedback here, both positive and negative (no offense naysayers). 

The last 2 nights I have had 7-8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep without the use of any sleep aid.  Before that, I would be lucky to get 4 and it would be a sweaty mess all while rolling around a lot.  This was peaceful sleep.  Also, yesterday was my first day clean from any kind of opiate, benzo or stimulant (used kratom in small doses for a week about 2 weeks back and it was stimulating and masked PAWS quite a bit).

To add to what you'll read in the link below, my acupuncturist gave me a mineral/herbal mix that also helps, however it was designed specifically for me and not only for my PAWS.  This formula relaxes me since I am naturally high-strung.

Here is the link:

http://kambo.me/smf/index.php?topic=103.msg396;topicseen#msg396

PEACE

9
Staying Clean / What I call my disease...or dis-ease
« on: August 11, 2012, 04:40:37 PM »
I go to NA because it helps me to become acutely aware that my thinking is very similar to a lot of others in those rooms.  I don't necessarily like everyone, however I do want freedom from active addiction for each and every person.  For me, I am learning more about this thing they refer to as a disease.  I personally believe it is a spiritual entity that attached itself to me at some point when I opened the door unbeknowenst in my eariler years of drinking and druggin' hard.

Now I am aware of two separate entities, or trains of thought if you will, in the brain.  The first says "thank you Creator for this day and a better way of life as well as the opportunity to go to Peru in December."  Immediately following that comes a different thought that sounds and feels so separate.  It says "you aren't going to Peru, you'll relapse and fuck everything up and lose your job first."

I feel my recovery depends these realizations and that I am not unique with these battles.  It goes back to the Cherokee Legend about the two wolves:

http://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TwoWolves-Cherokee.html

This is why I believe in the 12 steps, however I also advocate the safe and proper use of entheogens for healing purposes.  I am a renegade in those rooms because I will bring up entheogens before and after meetings.

Question: Does this damn forum have a spell check?  If so where is it and how do I use it.  I am always going to google to make sure I spell words correctly.  Yeah, I am very anal retentive.

Anyway, I always like to put recovery and staying clean in the spotlight.  Today is my first day truly truly clean.  I will post about it tomorrow.  Opiates were replaced by weed and benzos, then kratom, then benzos again.  I did something yesterday to "jumpstart" my way to cleanliness.  I feel good and I will elaborate tomorrow after making it through day and night.

Thanks for all your help y'all.  I am a Michigander living in the South, so I feel I can start saying y'all.

10
General Discussion / Semi Insomniac
« on: August 08, 2012, 05:27:17 AM »
Since getting off of dope I have been waking up at 4 or 5am on the reg.  This blows.  I don't have to leave for work until 7:30.  I guess I should be thankful for the 5 or 6 hrs I do get, but it is weird, choppy sleep with strange dreams.

Last night I was smoking ganja with Joe Rogan out of some sort of vaporizer bong.  I asked him about iboga and this Joe Rogan hadn't done it.  Sure looked like the same Joe Rogan to me.  We spent what seemed like a lot of time together.  Pretty cool guy that Joe Rogan.:D

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Eboka Preparations & Extractions / Easiest way...
« on: August 02, 2012, 03:11:34 PM »
to extract 17g rb to a TA?  Yield???  Enough for flooding a 170lb non-addict for psycho spiritual purposes?

Any help would be appreciated.  I don't really want him to have to take all the bark if it isn't necessary.

Also, time may be limited.  How long will said extraction take?

Sorry, I am too busy to search the threads.  I am on here a lot, but always for short periods.

Thanks,

Brandon

12
Eboka Talk / Iboga in General
« on: August 01, 2012, 06:06:00 AM »
I have had some positives and negatives to say about Iboga, however I am sure this is wonderful medecine if properly used.  I want to apologize if I ever came across as a cynic in some of my posts.  It seems when used properly that this substance can accomplish wonderful things.

So on that note, maybe others can share some of the positives, negatives, dangers and at risk people who may not be for iboga.  This experience shared is invaluable in our learning quest...and I am sure there is much in the archives, however I thought that I'd bring it up.

Right and wrong uses for Iboga??

We heal together and that is the only way.  I think "God, Creator, etc." wants it that way, but that is my subjective opinion.  Knowledge is power in some cases.

I am impatient and want to see everyone get better....myself included.  If plant medecines help I am all for the healing aspects, but my experience is quite limited.

13
Eboka Talk / Advice for friend
« on: July 20, 2012, 12:24:32 PM »
Said friend has 17g rb, non-addict.  He has micro dosed for a couple days in the past and claimed some introspection.  What would you guys recommend friend does with the rb in his possession?  He is open minded and into psychospiritual growth.

Thanks.

14
^^ ^^
 BUMP

15
Day 9 - Clean but far from serene.

I also agree with KP that this thread needs to be started and more importantly contributed to by those with experience pertinent to the subject matter.

My two cents - I should've taken a larger dose of TA (3g or more) when in withdrawal after doing Kambo on the Friday before the flood that was to follow Saturday evening.  This would've likely caused a great deal of discomfort and I would've had benzos on hand for the holdover period of 18 to 24 hours before the ACTUAL flood, which probably would've required 7g TA (for me). 

I hypothesize that this may've worked, at least better than the way I/we attempted.  Obviously doses are subject to change depending on many variables.  Also, as I stated in another thread, I would've ideally been off of Suboxone much longer than the 35 days that I was.

I just wanted to get this thing started....so please those with sub experience start contributing.  Feel free to confirm, correct or even criticize my subjective thoughts.

Thanks,

Brandon

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