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Topics - humility

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General Discussion / I'm addicted to GABA-B Agonist Phenibut
« on: October 24, 2012, 06:57:20 PM »
Does anyone know how well iboga plays with GABA-B agonists? I'm addicted to Phenibut which I've been using to curb anxiety. However, I realize now it's become an addiction and the withdrawal is terrible with this stuff. So my main question is if I can take iboga (obviously following all recommended safety precautations) *while* still being addicted to this substance. Thoughts? Experiences? Thanks!

P.S. I took a large dose of iboga about a decade ago so this is not my first run.

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Ten years ago I experienced a death and rebirth with the help of iboga in a hotel room in Canada by myself after 3 years of intense spiritual cultivation. It was a profound experience that changed my life for the better. In fact for 5 years I lived what iboga taught me. Amazing things happened. However, after 5 years I intentionally stopped following what I learned from iboga. The experiences I was having in my spiritual practice and day-to-day life were become too extreme, too amazing, too inexplicable. I thought I might be going crazy. So I stopped all that, cold turkey. Since then I've gradually gone down hill. I fight depression, lethargy and anger daily. The only thing I look forward too is drinking liquor as it provides me an escape from normal waking consciousness. I am considering another flood dose 10 years after the first as I have become lost and disenchanted and want to get back to where I was 5 years ago. Any thoughts?

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General Discussion / What happens when we die?
« on: August 14, 2011, 10:04:43 AM »
?

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General Discussion / Just wanted to vent somewhere.
« on: October 05, 2010, 02:54:09 PM »
I am buzzed right now. First time in well over a month I've had any alcohol. Life has been good and I've been serious about being healthy. However, today, after a couple days of "weirdness" between my fiance and I (who currently participate in a long distance relationship), I have just drank about a bottle of wine, and there's another bottle on the way. This is not a pity party. I'm just venting. We've been together for almost two years, are engaged, and there is no other woman I'll feel closer with. If it doesn't turn out well with her, I've always told myself, it won't turn out well with anyone. In the past couple of days she's been acting strange and eventually told me that I don't make enough money and she's considering breaking up. That is wrong on so many levels to me that I'm not even going to get into her selfishness, materialism, etc., in this post. Like I said, I just wanted to vent and will probably regret it because I'm buzzed off wine.

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General Discussion / tabernaemontana undulata
« on: September 15, 2010, 09:49:37 PM »
Just learned about this plant, tabernaemontana undulata. It contains ibogaine.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabernaemontana_undulata

Does anyone have experience with it? Know of any vendors? Is it scheduled?

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General Discussion / The Iboga Experience - African Theme
« on: August 30, 2010, 06:48:45 PM »
Hi Everyone,

Early on in my experience I heard drumming. I eventually realized I was hearing my heart beat but it sounded like a drumbeat emanating from Africa. Then, suddenly I found myself in Africa, somewhere in the jungle. I was walking amongst the trees and eventually came to a monument where sacrifices were performed.

The fact that this plant is indigenous to Africa and that the experience is African-themed has always fascinated me. Has anyone else experienced this?

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When I took my first and only large dose of Iboga, early on, I experienced a feeling of dread and fear. I began to panic that I was going to die and what I dumb thing I had done. I got really, really scared. Then, for the first time, I heard a voice in my head that was the same voice that guided me through the rest of the experience. It said, "If you panic, you will die. If you don't, you will live through this." I also told myself that panic would do me no good anyway so the only path was to not panic and let go. That calmed me down remarkably.

Has anyone else experienced this? The Iboga experience is SO REAL and brings you feeling sooo close to death, perhaps we can find solace in the fact next time we are there that this is a common experience.

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When I first ingested a large amount of Indra extract about 10 years ago, the first thing that occurred was EXTREME electrical sensations and intense vibrations shooting from head to toe and all around. It was literally shaking my body. I felt myself opening up on levels never experienced before. When this calmed down, the "visual" experience began.

Is this typical? Have you experienced this? Please tell!

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General Discussion / The Iboga Experience - movie screen
« on: August 26, 2010, 06:09:51 PM »
Early into my first and only experience with Iboga I closed my eyes and looked up at my eyelids. Amazingly, a movie screen appeared. It was like I was in a movie theater. The Iboga screen was, however, much clearer, like better than HD quality. The movie was short. I watched a catholic nun (I am not catholic) standing next to a coffin. She looked me directly in the eye, and I reciprocated. She then walked to the other side of the coffin, looked back up at me, and then pointed to the coffin, as if silently saying, "that is you in there." After that, the movie screen disappeared and the experience moved on to something else.

Has anyone else experience this movie-screen effect? What was your experience?

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General Discussion / The Iboga Experience - cartoon like figures
« on: August 26, 2010, 06:05:26 PM »
One aspect of my experience were, as best I can describe, cartoon-like figurines in my field of vision. These figures were somewhat "robotic" and were doing "things". I remember a lot of sex themes, like weird sex stuff being done by these figures. Has anyone else experience this? What is this phenomenon?

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Introductions / humility
« on: August 11, 2010, 05:38:28 PM »
The following was written in "rehab" in 2008...

"I was born in XXX, XXX, on XXX XXX, XXX at 4:00am. I'm XXX years old. I am here because I am experiencing debilitating social anxiety which means, in a nutshell, that I am extremely tense and tightly wound up around people, cannot give presentations, hate having the spotlight on me, hate talking on the phone, am unable to relax and have a good time with people, cannot meet women, don't show up for meetings at work, and don't attend class at school.

I have been self-medicating this issue with alcohol, and recently quite heavily. When I take a shot of vodka I instantly feel warmth and relaxation engross my entire being. It also turns me into a fearless social machine. It turns activates the part of my brain that wants to have fun.

A little family history.

My father, a XXX, is XXX. My mother, a XXX, is XXX. My brother, a XXX, is XXX. I've always felt most connected to my mother. My brother is enjoying great success, quickly becoming a world renowned chef, traveling the globe, and working in the world's most prestigious restaurants.

Everyone in my family drinks and smokes. I never smoked and didn't drink much. I was even a vegetarian for 7 years much to their chagrin. I usually did my own thing, even within my family.

My mother, for most of her adult life, has suffered from debilitating panic attacks and anxiety which she hid from everyone, including my father, until only recently. She sought treatment and found relief in the anti-depressant, Zoloft, and is much better now. Her change has been pretty remarkable, actually.

My father, on the other hand, has no history of mental illness (that I know of) but he does possess traits that are eerily familiar to my problem areas: He's severely introverted, doesn't express his feelings, is quiet and soft-spoken, and I find him to be quite boring and lonely. He is also petrified of speaking in front of groups.

My childhood was very good, if not great. I was never beaten or experienced any abuse. My parents encouraged me to be a free-thinker and instilled the belief that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. They were always supportive in all (well, most) of my pursuits. However, oddly enough, and despite my positive upbringing, I never felt deeply connected to any of my family members and often felt like a guest in the house. I don't know why. Maybe because we never shared our feelings with each other?

My early childhood.

My mom has always told me I was a very unusual child. I never crawled. At 8 months I spontaneously started walking, and a month later I began talking. At a little over a year I knew my ABCs and could spell and recognize words. I was also "bored" with toys appropriate for my age. I was also, as my mother puts it, "a handful" and "a pain in the ass": I cried constantly and didn't sleep much.

Because of my eccentric behavior she had me examined by a team of psychologists when I was 3. They concluded that I was "very bright", had a "very high I.Q.", and was "gifted". I was given toys made for much older kids which I'm told I understood intellectually but was frustrated that I couldn't use them because of my chronic shaky hands. My shaky hands, which have continued to this day, were perhaps the first indicator of an anxiety problem deep within me.

At 4 I started pre-kindergarten but within weeks was bumped up to regular kindergarten because I was already so far ahead of my peers. So, for the duration of my schooling I was always at least a year younger than my classmates.

I zoomed through school, excelled at sports, and had a great time. However, it was in 7th grade that I felt my first inkling of anxiety when having to perform a group presentation.

In 8th grade things began going downhill. My parents wanted a change in their life and moved us to XXX. I believe I had my first panic attack while on the bus to my first day at my new school.

Despite my newfound anxiety, my teachers remarked over and over again at how well-adjusted I was and used me as an example for other students to mimic. However, I was secretly harboring resentment and anger about the move. I began acting out, and my teachers who were once so proud of me began to admonish my new behavior and became concerned. Things came to a head when one day I urinated all over the bathroom floor and a classmate told on me. My teachers grilled me about the incident and I broke down in tears and cried. I silently told myself in that moment that I was never going back to that school.

When I arrived home that evening I demanded to my parents that I be home schooled. Recognizing my pain, they agreed to it.

Ultimately, no one in my family liked XXX and we moved back to XXX after an 8 month stint. This time, however, instead of moving back to XXX (where I had grown up) we moved to an adjacent town -- XXX.

XXX was fantastic. I instantly fit in and became the most popular kid in school because of my basketball skills.

However, again, like in 7th grade I had to give the dreaded group presentation. I got through it but knew something inwardly was amiss. Additionally, another indicator of a growing social problem within myself was when I was walking home with a popular girl who told me, "You know XXX, all the girls _really like you_, we just wish you'd talk more."

High school sucked. We moved back to XXX where I had grown up through 7th grade. Immediately I recognized that all my former friends had dramatically changed. They had gotten into drugs and alcohol, were angry, and were no longer innocent. What a difference a year had made! I instantly made the decision to withdraw and do my own thing. In other words, become a loner. I was never made fun of and was always respected despite my decision. The price I paid was a very lonely and angry 4 years.

This is when I dove head first into computers. It was only 1995 but I knew technology and the internet were going to profoundly change the world. It was also a perfect introverted activity and challenged my intellect. Soon, I had stacks and stacks of books on programming, operating systems, etc., and devoured them in all my free time. The side effect of this, of course, was that I stunted my social skills. It became so miserable to be around people and the classroom that I again demanded to be home schooled, which happened during my sophomore and senior years. Senior year was going to be particulary anxiety-provoking because I knew I was going to be required to give a lot of presentations to prepare me for college. It was hard enough in my Junior year having to read aloud in English class and having my voice shake and feeling my body riddled with anxiety.

On the cusp of my Junior year, my parents and school administrators were worried about me. They wanted me to go to the XXX School of Science and Mathematics. I was open to the idea and even visited. Everyone wanted me to go (including XXX) but I just couldn't endure another new school, meeting new people, etc. I cried the whole way home after my visit.

It was during my Junior year that I had my first drink. It didn't immediately become a problem (I was always very health conscious) but I definitely filed it away in the back of my mind that "here's something that can take away my anxiety instantly." I would sometimes walk around school with vodka mixed with juice.

The summer before my Senior year a girl was walking with me to my house and it was obvious something sexual was going to happen. But at the last minute she backed out and I was devastated. I drank a bottle of tequila and vodka and my parents found me lying on the bathroom floor and rushed me to the E.R. This was my first binge.

I finished all my high school work at 16. Quickly thereafter I started a business based on the computer skills I had taught myself. I soon received my first check, for $600. Then another for $2,500. And they kept coming in all shapes and sizes. Since I was soon making more than my parents I moved to XXX, XXX's 2nd largest city. I hired people, rented a huge office overlooking the city, and lived in a beach house. I'd get $10, $20, and $30,000 checks and nonchalantly had them to my secretary for deposit. Our clients included DELL Computer, SBC Communications, Verizon, and other big technology names. We had ping pong and foosball tables and would easily drop $400 on sushi lunches -- one of our favorite things to do. Life was fun. Life was good.

I did experiment with drugs during this period. I always felt I'd try anything once... or twice. For the first time I tried marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, nitrous oxide, mushrooms, LSD, Salvia, and even... nutmeg. I drank very rarely and never got "hooked" on any of the aforementioned drugs.

Socially, I still had major problems. I hired a charming extrovert to handle all the sales and marketing, and of course the secretary fielded the phone calls.

At 19 I received my first offer to sell the business for ~$1 Million. I turned it down because we were days away from closing a deal with a much larger company for ~$12 Million. Unfortunately, the day before the big deal was to happen the large company merged with another large company that already offered a service similar to ours. Believe it or not I was not disappointed in the least because I had been beginning a new journey: Spirituality.

Around the age of 15 I became interested in spirituality. Actually, now that I think of it, the interest has always been there. I remember crying myself to sleep when I was 4 thinking how awful it is that we're all going to die. When I was 3 I spontaneously told my mother, "I was a girl last time right mom?" Anyway, in the midst of the business my spiritual yearning intensified and was unstoppable. I wanted to live a life like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and the others who surrendered their life to "God" and helping others. I wanted to be strong mentally, physically, and spiritually. I wanted to live a life of unselfish love and it's virtues -- kindness, caring, compassions, giving, and sharing.

To make a _very_ long story short, I _eventually_ found a book that rang all my "inner bells of truth." It was written by an American who claimed to have achieved Enlightenment, or oneness with "God", and was still alive and teaching students in XXX.

I read this man, XXX's, book well over 30 times and many times talked on the phone with his "elder" students. It was in this process that I began to experience synchronicities, or "meaningful coincidences". I was burning to meet these people but first had to prove my dedication and desire by completing their intense meditation regimen flawlessly on my own, which I did. It consisted of 4-6 hours of daily meditation. I also had my business responsibilities on top of that. I didn't even sleep some nights (because of lack of time) I wanted it so bad.

After finishing the regimen I was invited to Colorado to meet XXX and his students. I was 19 and arrived on December 20, 2000. I spent 4 days with them and felt deeply connected and like I'd come "home". On the 3rd day I asked XXX if I could become a student and he accepted. I was instructed to go back to XXX, close the business, pack my belongings, and drive back out.

Arriving back in XXX I was absolutely elated and on top of the world. But again, to make a long story short, I did close the business and pack my belongings. However, I didn't go back out because my parents freaked and were extremely concerned I was joining a cult. After much yelling and debate I agreed to wait 6 months to think things through before moving to XXX. I moved back in with my parents and continued the meditation schedule for 6 months. My determination did not fade.

One of XXX's teachings was that in order to achieve enlightenment, one had to temporarily die -- at least the ego anyway -- and be reborn with the spirit calling the shots (instead of the ego). Ansy about achieving enlightenment and not knowing if I would go back to XXX (for reasons too long to describe here) I was intent on inducing my own death experience.

I drove to Canada to obtain a plant illegal in the U.S. (Tabernathe Iboga), rented a motel room and ingested it. Again, for brevity, I won't get into the specifics of the  experience. However, I can say without a doubt it was the deepest and most profound experience of my life.

Arriving back home in XXX I had a new ability: I could hear my intuition loud and clear.

I soon moved to XXX to be with the group to cultivate my intuition and spirituality. It was training with them that I began to see colors around people, have intense energy rushes up my spine and through my body, and what appeared to be the ability to read minds. My intuition continued to improve and synchonicities happened with increased frequency.

After about 8 months with them I left to do some world traveling. I spent a month in England and 5 months in Nepal. I was still intensely cultivating my spirituality at that point and having amazing experiences. I was also working diligently on cleansing my thought process: I'd walk everywhere with a pocket notebook and whenever I'd have a negative, egotistical, or self-centered thought I'd expose it by writing it down. I'd then write a positive counterpart and silently affirm it to myself. I found the method extremely effective.

In a more practical sense, while in Nepal I attempted to teach an English class of about 20 porters (poorest of the poor but very hard working) in order to overcome my anxiety of public speaking. I gave it about 5 tries but it didn't help. I was anxious and nervous every time and the feelings were not quelled through the repeated exposure. So, I spent most of my time deep in the highest mountains in the world -- the Himalayas -- installing solar electricity in remote villages. I also instigated and led a project to build a wooden windmill that would generate electricity at Tribuvan University, Nepal's premier engineering school.

While I was having a great time in Nepal I learned that one of my dearest friends while growing up had just died from a heroin overdose. 3 weeks later I learned that my best friend in the U.S. followed the same fate. And lastly, another friend was killed by a drunk driver.

My life took another turn when I met an MIT graduate who did his grad work at the University of XXX at XXX. Being a XXX resident, I grilled him on the quality of XXX-XXX. He convinced me it was a great school. I applied days later and was soon accepted. I began my Freshman year at XXX at age 22.

I had a blast my first 2 years at XXX. I made tons of friends, got great grades and took a plethora of classes that simply interested me -- linguistics, mathematics, history, geography, writing, astronomy, physics, biology, economics, and more -- before settling on a double major of Physics and Business.

The classes I took were mostly large classes. I could easily blend in with class sizes of 60 to 400 people so it was not very anxiety provoking. I did have to do a presentation in my writing class which I got drunk for. The only other times I drank were at parties. The alcohol enabled me to "work the party" and make out with many girls for the first time in my life. Hell, i even threw a couple parties at my place and always had a great turnout. Thinking back, there was about 5 - 10 times I drank before classes in those 2 years. For instance, when we had to do debates in geography class.

I also continued to intensely cultivate my intuition during this time, and as I progressed, suddenly _everything_ was becoming a synchronicity. I'd think about someone and they'd call me. I'd think about someone and then bump into them around the corner on campus. Thoughts would pop in my head that other people were thinking before they verbalized it. I would quietly hope something would happen and it would. I'd be thinking of something and would open a book randomly and instantly see a passage that expounded on what I was thinking. There were physical effects too. My mind was filled with compassionate, loving thoughts which caused my body to constantly be buzzing with energy. It would start at the base of my spine and then fill my entire body with vibration and a physical energy buzz. I began to think I was creating my own reality in a very real way. Either that, or I was going crazy. I started to get freaked out by all these happenings and one day decided to stop the spiritual cultivation. I stopped meditating, stopped listening to my intuition, and everything else associated with spiritual development. If everything that was happening to me was real it was very lonely. I had no one to talk to about it and was afraid no one would believe me if I did. Worse, I was afraid I'd be pegged as crazy. So, I stopped. I wanted to try to live a "normal" life. And, yes, when I shut off my spiritual side, all the experiences I had been having stopped as well.

I met my first long-term girlfriend around this time, and slowly, over 4 years I completely withdrew socially, drank more and more, became depressed, lonely, and experienced just about any negative emotion you can think of. Since then I've been in and out of school (at 26 I should have graduated but I'm only halfway done) and the last 2 semesters were the worst. My girlfriend moved away and we did the long distance relationship thing. I hated it. I drank more and more and had the ambulances, firetrucks, and police show up at my house twice to bring me to the E.R. I assaulted a police officer while drunk and spent the night in jail -- an experience I never want to repeat. I had to endure legal proceedings for 3 months, finally to have the charges dismissed. I could no longer attend any class or even step on campus without 8-12 shots of vodka.

I finally sought help from professionals. I met daily with the doctors at XXX who prescribed me meds (Xanax, etc.) which helped for a while. I was still pretty miserable though. And again, to make a long story short, I told the doctors I should leave and work my shit out. They agreed and granted me a medical withdrawal which means I can't go back to school until they give me a clean bill of health. Their strongest suggestion for me was to enter a 28-day in-patient program, so here I am.

My goal is to go back to school and finish my degrees. This is going to involve a ton of socialization, group work, reading aloud, introducing myself, and presentations which I am determined to do without the use of alcohol.

Thank you."

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