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Topics - digital_phreedom

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1
Announcements, News & Events / court tomorrow - facing up to 6 years
« on: December 12, 2011, 11:07:54 PM »
Dearest forum family,

It is with a heavy heart that I address you all.  As much as I hate to give bad news, I feel it is my responsibility to let you all know what I am possibly facing tomorrow.

As you have heard me mention, I've been having legal difficulties for the past several months.  The short version of the story is this:

I have a very lengthy criminal record, with several felonies.  None of them are violent, and they are all drug related.  I have already spent well over 2 years of my life in the prison and jail system.  I've been on probation for the past year and a half, and over the summer I found out the hard way that not drinking alcohol was a stipulation of my probation.  For this I was arrested, and a petition to revoke my probation was filed.  Shortly thereafter, I was arrested again during a traffic stop for having an unopened bottle of alcohol, despite my sobriety, and found out that I wasn't allowed to possess alcohol either.  Since that I have had to more things happen that will certainly not help me in court tomorrow.

These mistakes are mine, and while I do own them, I have not exactly been put in a position where success is easy.  My probation officer is horribly rude and intimidating.  He stops to see me at my apartment, and if I'm at work, he pounds on my door for sometimes 20 minutes, waking up my whole building.  He harasses my neighbors.  The police in town stop me regularly walking to or from work, and ask to search me every time.  I'm in a position where any mistake, however small, is amplified and penalized.  So, obviously, it's a bad idea for me to break the rules.

I have tried very hard over the past year or so, and while I have had some slips, I have come farther and done better than I ever imagined I would, after the depths that I sunk to during my active heroin addiction.  I work a solid 40 hours a week, I pay my own bills, I pay my fines, and I pass my drug tests.  I'm a productive member of my community, well liked, and have finally gotten to start spending time with and becoming a part of my family again.

The range of penalties I'm facing range from simply intensified probation, to up to 6 years in prison.  I am praying that I don't get the latter.  My lawyer and I will be asking for intensified probation, and the state will certainly request prison time.  Any chance I have will come down to what I say to the judge.  This judge though, is known for being fair - and for addicts, preferring treatment over incarceration.  I'm hopeful, but absolutely terrified.  My lawyer has told me that I should be prepared to go back to prison, because it is certainly a possibility.

So I ask you now for your prayers and good energy tomorrow morning.  I love you all, with all my heart.  If things don't turn out well tomorrow, it may be some time before I am able to post again.  If my little sister has time, I will likely have her post from my account at some point with updates.  And some of the members here who I've been fortunate enough to get to know personally will be contacted via facebook or phone by one of my family members with information on how to write me, and how I'm fairing.  If things do go well (as I hope and pray they will), I should be able to let you know by the late afternoon tomorrow, after I return home - if not sooner.

Thanks to everyone here who has helped me and cared about me since the day I joined this community. You are some of the most wonderful people I know, and I hold this place very dear to my heart.

<3

2
General Discussion / Ummm...
« on: December 07, 2011, 03:11:55 AM »
Wow...

http://documentarystorm.com/kymatica/

This documentary just blew my mind.. Someone please watch this and help me make sense of it all, and help me figure out how much is true.  I feel like I really need to have someone to discuss this with, and start to find ways to incorporate some of these ideas into my life.

It's about an hour and a half long, but it just sucked me right in..  A lot of these ideas really resonated inside of me. There's a few I'm not sure how much I agree with, and some I'm not sure about their accuracy. 

That's really about all I can say right now - my mind is still trying to consolidate all this stuff I think.

3
Announcements, News & Events / Hi errrbody!
« on: November 13, 2011, 08:32:25 PM »
Howdy guys!

I just wanted to chime in real quick to let everyone know that I'm okay.. (I've received calls from a few people due to my extended hiatus from posting, and I thank everyone for their concern)

I'm working a shit job right now, with shit hours.. I open at 3 am, then the next day I close - working until after midnight... These flip-flopping shifts have been just killing me.. Not to mention that I'm living alone in an apartment, spending all my extra money trying to pay my fines.

I'm also engaged in some legal proceedings at the moment that have put even my freedom at jeopardy... So that sucks too.

I get to go out every now and then and do fun things.. and I have some very amazing friends that care deeply about me and do their best to support me - but it only helps so much.. Basically, I've hit a rut.. I've been pretty depressed lately - and have developed a drinking habit that I am trying rapidly to curb.  (I'm hoping to flood again very soon - I don't want to because my last flood was terrifying, but I think I can certainly benefit from it)

So anyway.. My life has been rough lately.. I've been pretty bummed out.. Working myself out of debt, and sleeping at horribly irregular times.  It's made it hard for me to stay in touch with people - and I've neglected this site for far too long now.

Thus, I am formally declaring to everyone that I'm still here.. I'm doing ok (objectively), and I'm going to make a very conscious effort to spend the time here that I used to, and devote my attentions to helping members here again as often as I used too.  Now just wish me luck getting caught up on the threads I have missed..

Blah..  That's all for now.  I love you guys - wish me luck pulling myself out of this rut.

<3

4
General Discussion / facebook just freaked me out..
« on: May 24, 2011, 06:31:21 PM »
So.. It's beautiful outside, right?  Sun's shinin.. Winds blowing.. It's summer festival season.. I love this time of year.

I'm doing my preparing today for Summer Camp festival this weekend.. Very excited.. And first, facebook's custom tailored ads recommended I check out http://www.glowcity.com for stick figure light up costumes, and all kinds of crazy glowing sticks, toys, and accessories.. That was sweet, and not the first time facebook has recommended things that have surprised me with how well it knows me.. (To name a few: A "spiritual" college near me, an online Ayahuasca seminar, and ways to make spare money answering physics questions)

But what really just blew my mind, was when I saw this ad over on the right side of my facebook page just a few moments ago:

http://mimosahostilisrootbark.biz/

Are you kidding me?! The ad said "Your Online Provider of the Worlds Finest Mimosa Hostilis Root Bark powder!".

And the even crazier thing is... The prices are pretty good!  Dunno about quality.. But anyway, just thought I'd share that story with ya'll.. How crazy is that?!  O___O!

5
Compost Pile / MOVED: opiates as allies?
« on: March 30, 2011, 04:14:06 AM »

6
General Discussion / In regards to sourcing:
« on: February 02, 2011, 05:34:20 PM »
Since it was brought up recently, and after a brief discussion on the topic with Cal, I thought it would be a good idea to post a sticky about the official Eboka policy on sourcing here on the board:

When it comes to plants and other entheogens, sourcing will be allowed. There are so many suppliers out there that it's in the interest of harm reduction to be able to discuss personal experience with suppliers. At it's heart, this is a board for harm reduction, exploration, and healing, so feel free to talk about your sources for plants and entheogens. However, please pay respect to the legal status of the plant being discussed. We are here to help people heal, but unfortunately we cannot condone the breaking of ANY laws, even for Iboga. So for example, if you live in a country where Iboga is legal, it is acceptable to discuss suppliers. But if you live in the US, please do not ask for sources for any illegal plant or entheogen, including Iboga. There are certainly many alternatives to be explored, but if you're in doubt about what is ok and what isn't, feel free to PM any mod with your questions and we will be happy to help you explore your options.

As for the topic that started this discussion, research chemicals, our official policy is that no discussion of sources will be allowed. With research chemicals gaining the popularity that they have, we encourage intelligent discussion about your opinions and experiences with them. But because there is very little scientific research behind them (making their safety mostly unknown), and because their legal status is vague at best, we can not allow any discussion about where to find these substances.

This board is filled with some very open-minded people, so please keep the conversations going, but remember that we must put safety first.

-dig

8
General Discussion / new job, kratom, and iboga
« on: November 14, 2010, 04:44:58 PM »
Hi all!

So if you haven't noticed I haven't been lurking quite as much lately.. I recently started a new job that is very physically demanding.. 40+ hour weeks, hard labor all day, at minimum wage.. yay! I'm happy to have something though, and I think I'm finally starting to get adjusted.. Something I wanted to share with the forum though.

About 3 days into this job, I was almost ready to quit.. I hurt so bad. I couldn't keep up pace at work. It was very difficult. I'd read about Kratom's stimulating effects at lower doses, and had been thinking about trying it for a little while, but always passed because it's basically the first step back to an addiction for someone who responds to opiates/opiods the way that I do..

But finally, I couldn't take it at this new job anymore, and decided to order some Kratom. Just enough to help me make it through the rest of my first week. I overnighted a couple ounces of standard, non-enhanced Kratom, and began the next day at work with a small cup of the tea. It was certainly stimulating, and helped me ignore the pain and make it through work. I definitely noticed the opiate-like buzz from the stuff though. Like I said, I only ordered enough for this first week at work, and used it the next 4 days in a row. One cup of tea in the morning, and another during my lunch break. I made it through work and am finally adjusting, and still holding down the job.

However.. The second and successive days of Kratom use left me feeling very drained and slightly hungover by the time I got home. This feeling I did not enjoy. Obviously though, my first cup of tea the next morning made those feelings go away. When the week was over though, I felt pretty crappy the next day, on my day off. And working a 6 day week that week, I went back to work the second day off the Kratom. I was tired and felt crappy, with some minor PAWS. But my body had at least started to adjust enough physically that I made it through the second week as well.

Luckily for me, after my Kratom ran out, I didn't feel the urge to immediately go and buy more, as I would have in the past. I think that can be attributed to the 'reset' afforded me by Iboga. I have not, and do not intend on buying anymore Kratom. But for several days after it I was drained and feeling depressed for the first time in a couple months. It may have been a risky move to try that, as I can certainly see how some people get re-addicted, even after Iboga. I'm happy I was able to discern "Hmmm.. It felt good for a bit, then I felt like crap even longer. Yup, not doing that again." Perhaps I'm lucky for that. And also, very lucky to have Iboga left. I'm far too busy for anything close to a flood dose anytime soon, though I'm planning one sometime around christmas. And right now I don't even have the time for a booster. I certainly can't do it before work, and even on my day off it will keep me awake too long.

So I've started micro-dosing my TA, hitting a dose that's barely noticeable. After a few days of that I started feeling much better, and am now continuing to micro-dose about 4 days a week or so, until I get back to where I'd like to be. Things are still going very well in my life, and I'm incredibly grateful for it.

So, just wanted to share this as a word of caution to anyone considering Kratom, or even mild opiate meanderings post-Iboga. It gives you the ability to get your life together, but not to use opiates responsibly. That's something I will never be able to do.

9
General Discussion / MOVED: Different Iboga Products
« on: October 19, 2010, 01:45:50 PM »

10
General Discussion / Ayahuasca: Round 4 - Unfathomable Beauty
« on: October 08, 2010, 12:00:47 PM »
So.. I'm so ecstatic right now.. I just have to share this. This was my fourth time brewing Aya.. The first time I didn't do right, the second time worked but was with a very low dose of DMT, the third time didn't work (either bad, or not enough Chacruna), but this fourth time was incredible..

I brewed 60 grams Caapi, and 8 grams Mimosa for about 6 hours. Went outside under the stars, laying on a blanket.. And got ready. This time I didn't do all the mental preparation I normally do.. I think that sometimes all the mental prep actually contributes to some of my fear. I hold this stuff so high in my mind that I think sometimes I have psyched myself out.. Thinking about how powerful it is makes me very nervous. So while I still had some intentions in my heart, this was a much more care-free journey for me. I was a little nervous that not giving it the proper thought could end up having the opposite of the intended effects, but it ended up working very well. And I'm still all for good preparation, mental and physical, and proper intentions, but this was just the way I needed to do it for me this time.

T - 1 hr: Took 50mg dramamine. Very good decision, helped with the "spinning" I get sometimes, and made the nausea bearable. (Dramamine has helped greatly with my last few boosters of Iboga as well)

T + 0: Drank the Caapi in one shot. 60 grams made with about 2 liters of water, reduced to about 1 oz of liquid.. Yuck!! I didn't filter it this time as well. I mean, I got all the big plant material out, but the little chunks and stuff I left in this time. It was very gritty and hard to choke down. But a few sips of orange juice took the taste away quickly.

T + 15: Took my first big sip of Mimosa. Probably half of the drink, so about 4 grams worth.

T + 25: Not feeling anything.. Nothing from the Caapi, nothing from the Mimosa.. Getting a little bummed that I might have just wasted 6 hours only to mess something up in the brew. Last time I felt the Mimosa immediately after I drank it. And I mean immediately, within seconds. Decide to drink some more Mimosa just in case, took another sip, I've now consumed at least 2/3 of the Mimosa, so a good 6 grams worth.

T + 35: Still not feeling much..  First alerts maybe, but I can't be sure at this point. Also, not sure if there was a meteor shower, or if it was just a magical lucky night for me, but at this point I've seen 4 shooting stars! Beautiful, but kind of tricky.. Wasn't sure if it was in my head the first couple times.. Hahaha, made me laugh.

T + 45: Ok.. Time gets sketchy from here on. The strong part of the experience lasts about 2 hours.. So I don't think I'll comment too much more on the time, but here's what happened.

The buzzing is back.. I know this is going to be real this time. I'm laying down with my head on a pillow looking at the stars when I get the familiar vibration in my body. It always startles me with it's strength. Immediately I get the FEAR. Complete panic. "Oh my god... WHY do I keep doing this to myself? Forget DMT.. It's not for me. Why on earth do people like this? I don't want to be scared for the next several hours.."

The vibrating speeds up and gains strength. I think about making myself purge to try to lighten the experience.. I'm terrified. I lean up and rest on my elbow, to prepare to make myself purge.. But as soon as I lean up the fear subsides, and the vibration slows down a bit. I remember that I still have some control over this. Everything feels so much better. The effects are there.. slowly building up in waves. I decide to remain leaning up for awhile.. Because it seems that when I'm lying still, that's when the intensity starts to scare me.

Still no strong visual effects. I'm wondering why. I know DMT is supposed to be one of the most visual things out there.. I'm not doing it for the visuals, but it just makes me wonder if I'm not taking enough, or somehow different from others.. This is soon answered though :)

I look up at the stars and everything starts to shatter a bit.. There are halos coming off everything, especially things in my periphery. When I close my eyes I can start to see swirling patterns of color. I decide I'm ready to take this to the next level and ride with it. I want to change my music.. Usually I listen to Shpongle for experiences like this.. But in the past it's kind of held a dark undertone and scared me a bit. Flipping through my IPOD I stop when I see "Tool" and think that will be perfect.. Yeah, it's kind of heavy.. But the lyrics from the "Lateralus" album are exactly what I need at this moment. I switch to the track "Parabol", which is followed by "Parabola". Part of the lyrics are:

---------------

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parabol.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion.

------------

Perfect!! It's so perfect.. The lyrics are so true and comforting to me.. The first song builds slowly into the next where those lyrics start.. As soon as the distorted guitar hits in the "Parabola" track, everything takes off. Colors are swirling everywhere.. I see the same things with my eyes opened or closed. Geometric patterns, everything growing and morphing in fractal patterns.. It's so beautiful. I'm thinking "Hmm.. This isn't very spiritual yet. Normally I'm always thinking about crazy philosophical life stuff, but right now I just feel... AWESOME." My body is vibrating with energy. My muscles are twitching involuntarily. I'm tensing and releasing.. Shivering. Staying grounded in my breath. It feels like the best ecstasy ever. I feel absolutely amazing. But then I notice my stomach.. It's starting to grumble and I'm getting nauseas. I lean up with my head over the grass and prepare for the purge.

It comes violently, but I don't mind.. After the first purge I open my eyes and see faces in the grass staring back at me, smiling. I laugh. I purge a few more times, then when it's finally over I wipe my mouth off and crash my head back down onto my pillow.. I'm freezing cold, but know it's just from the DMT.. I cover myself completely with my blankets and this is when it really begins.

The music is taking me on a journey.. At this point it's only been a few minutes since it all started.. And this really intense part only lasted maybe 20 or 30 minutes tops, then things slowly recede. But the intense part.. The music was amazing. I was literally laughing out loud. I couldn't believe how happy I was and how good I felt. For a few minutes I just enjoy the visuals.. Since I'm under a blanket it doesn't matter if my eyes are open or closed, it's all black (except for the swirling galaxy of millions of colors, haha) It was so beautiful. I saw a beautiful lattice/grid thing of colors, that was flowing like it was attached to a ribbon that was gliding in the wind. It's changing speeds and direction, flowing with the music in my ears. I'm in awe of the beauty. Then I start seeing more.. It becomes 3-dimensional. It seems to slide back, as if it was resting on top of a door, and someone just opened the door. This happens several times, each time leading me into another dimension.

Then it finally starts to get spiritual.. Much deeper. The colors and patterns are still there, but I'm more in my head now. Seeing things as though they're real, but I know it's in my minds eye. These thoughts keep going through my head.

It's not real.. It IS real though.. It's all just me. It's been me all along. Is this some kind of test? Whatever it is, I know I chose it. I. I. I. It's all me.. It's always been me, the whole time.

Then, the weirdest thing about the trip I think happened here.. I start reliving old memories. People I've seen throughout my life. I'm going to see friends. Buying drugs. Going to the store. Seeing family.. All these people from my life. Friends, ex's, family, co-workers, etc. I see them at a distance at first. Then they notice me looking at them, and everytime someone sees me, they quickly fly up to me, grab my face and look me in the eye. From a distance it looked like they were who I knew them to be, but when they got right up to my face I looked them in the eye and saw my own face. Everytime. It was just me. Everyone was just me. I heard their voices whispering my name. It seemed to be coming from everyone. Over and over, my name, my face. Everyone. Every time. Everything. It was very intense. But reinforced my belief that we're all connected. There's no basic difference between you and me. We're all god, experiencing itself subjectively.

I was the entire universe, and the entire universe was me. I had a few thoughts about my past problems with addiction, or bad choices I've made.. But those started to scare me a little bit, and I decided I wasn't quite ready to go there yet. I know that most would consider what I took to be a big dose, but I can still it can still go much deeper. Perhaps I have a naturally high tolerance for this stuff. Either way, I decided it wasn't the time to delve into the darkness just yet. I'm still very new to the world of Aya/DMT, and I think this was just the experience I needed at this time. It reminded me how beautiful everything is, and how lucky I am for this body and this life. And it finally showed me that Aya can be friendly as well..

Eventually I couldn't take my shivers anymore, and went in to take a shower.. Ooooh what fun! Haha.. But after that things had mostly wound down. The whole experience had only lasted about two hours from the time I first drank the Caapi. It was nice and light. And I am very grateful for it. I know though that if I am to continue on this path with Aya, I will require more in the future, and have to be prepared to confront things that may be uncomfortable. I see now the true possibilities for healing that are possible. But the best thing is that I'm not so afraid anymore. I always get a sudden surge of panic when the vibrating starts, but I feel like I'm now more equipped to handle it. This is what I needed to be able to delve deeper in the future.

What a gift.

Thanks for reading.

11
General Discussion / check this out!
« on: September 27, 2010, 11:28:55 PM »
Hey all.. Just got a few new tattoos a couple nights ago, and wanted to share these with my friends. The idea for them came to me in a dream, and I ran out and got them the same night.. I <3 tattoos.. So let me know what ya'll think! And I'm interested to see if you guys can figure out what each one is..



mindheart by digital_phreedom, on Flickr



bodysoul by digital_phreedom, on Flickr

12
Compost Pile / check this out!
« on: September 27, 2010, 11:25:21 PM »
Hey all, got a few new tattoos a couple of nights ago, and I wanted to share them with some friends.. I think you guys can appreciate something like this. I'd love to hear what you think! And see who can figure out what they all are!





13
Eboka Talk / Ibogaine's effects on MDMA?
« on: September 24, 2010, 12:13:17 AM »
Hey all,

Was browsing a thread on another forum, and saw a post by a guy who had been using Iboga psychospiritually on and off, and was moving on to trying some MDMA assisted therapy sessions, and this got me wondering...

Iboga has been shown to have some SSRI-like effects right? Could that interact with MDMA's action? I know that most SSRI prescriptions effectively stop all the theraputically useful effects of MDMA, so I wonder if Ibogaine could have similar effects?

I've tried to look up some literature on the topic but there's not much to be found. What are your thoughts?

14
Compost Pile / the loop
« on: September 22, 2010, 06:57:48 PM »
Has anyone else ever experienced "the loop"?

Just wondering.. I'll try my best to explain what I'm talking about.

Almost every time I have a psychedelic experience, drug induced or not, I always find myself pondering the universe and the meaning of life and such.. And many of those times I find myself getting stuck in a thought loop. I've tried to describe it before, but it's tricky. I was reading experience reports on erowid one day, and this one was actually on amanitas muscarias, though the substance doesn't matter.. This is how this individual described it, and when I read this account my stomach dropped and it brought tears to my eyes.. That's how deeply it resonated in me. I've always wondered if other people have similar experiences to this or not.

This is how CuriousJim's erowid report described it:

"It was like knowing everything and knowing nothing at the same time. Always learning in the hope of finding out and getting ever closer to the goal, but then realising that it's all been done before and that I was never meant to find out at all. Realization that I'll never get there fades to a memory and then back to blissful obscurity only to be rediscovered after another heart breaking journey of discovery and failure. On and on, faster and faster. Each rotation of the loop getting smaller and smaller, faster and faster. This must be what it's all about, this is going to be the real lesson here I can feel it. The loop turns into a blur and I'm obviously at the end of it.
Then BANG. The loop was part of a loop. "

Like knowing that you can never know, but you've always known at the same time. Sometimes with me this is also accompanied by a DEEP feeling of eternal recurrence. That I've lived this life (or others) a million times before, and will continue to do so for eternity. And that all the fear that comes with this realization is just a reflection of the eternal love of the source, that I can only glimpse.

Not sure who wrote it, but I also recently came across this poem:

"
I
Return
Eternal
From calculated sleep
To find my Self
Again
Living this All
Anew

I choked
I learned to eat
I set the trap that's catching Me
And in combing Eternity
I have found that It was in my back pocket the entire Time
I merely forgot
I was always here

Thou art That
I Am

"


15
General Discussion / ayahuasca experiment #2 - uh, yeah, it worked this time
« on: September 20, 2010, 12:16:01 PM »
Wow.... Wow, wow, wow, wow... just... wow man..

I'm almost shaking.. I have to head out to pick up my daughter soon (yay i get to see her today!!!) but I HAVE to share this first.. And it kind of fades, like a dream.. so I want to get this all down.

But yeah.. My second time brewing, definitely worked.. I think it was grinding up the mimosa that made a difference.. And yes, Mimosa can be a rough teacher.. I'm looking forward to my chacruna getting here. Ugh.. Wow...

Anyway, I only slightly altered my brewing technique, but I did use 8 grams of mimosa this time, not to drink it all, but to have extra in case I purged too soon..

Drank my Caapi first.. Waited slightly over 10 minutes, then drank my Mimosa, slightly more than half, so maybe 6 grams worth.. I was already feeling the Caapi when I drank the Mimosa.. And two minutes after I drank the Mimosa I started feeling something that I knew wasn't the Caapi.

I had a sitter with me. A friend who was there out of kindness, but has zero experience with psychedelics.. When I could tell how strong it was going to be I thanked her for all her help thus far, and kindly let her know I felt I would be better on my own. Gave her a hug goodnight and she took off.. Leaving me in the little shrine I had set up in my backyard, behind a shed.. Some blankets on the ground, out under the stars and clouds, away from everyone... All by myself.

The Mimosa started coming on very quick.. And sometime less than 10 minutes minutes after my Mimosa drinking, I started purging.. A little came up the first bout.. And just as I was thinking "well that wasn't too bad", KA-BOOM!! A fountain shoots out my mouth.. Again.. and again.. I can't believe there was that much to come up.. It kept coming and coming.. Felt like I couldn't breathe.. Finally it was over and I put on some Shpongle and laid down to try to enjoy things more..

It was so intense coming up.. Everything was vibrating.. There were visuals there, but nothing like what I expected.. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because I had a small dose (6g is small, right?), but eyes open, the visuals were... weird.. Some flashes and trails, that's about it.. CEV's were certainly there but hard to distinguish/remember.. There definitely wasn't much of the crazy geometric patterning you so often hear described.. but that didn't concern me.. the mental and body effects were certainly strong enough for me that night.

When I purged I remember thinking "Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into? My body is obviously trying to get that stuff out of me as quickly as possible.. Oh boy"

Now I think it's best to move into the first-person, present tense, to try to relate this as best I can..

------------------------

So now I'm laying here.. Looking up... Ok, ok.. I'm fine. Why did I do this? Remember.. To learn. To grow. To help my addiction problems. To cultivate more patience and kindness.. Yes, yes.. Ok.. Intentions are noble enough.. Why do I feel so damn icky then? Uuggghhhhh...

Body vibrating... Field of vision starting to spin a bit.. Closing my eyes at this point feels similar to my Iboga experience of falling into a black hole, except with this I'm not falling, I'm flying very fast..

My thoughts are going crazy.. Very weird. Certainly non-linear. Who's having these thoughts? Where do they come from? Are they mine? What does mine even mean? Who am I? "I"? What a crazy concept.. Suddenly I realize there's no such thing as I.. Haha.. what a silly dream-world we live in. It has a purpose, but it doesn't matter..

Ooooh the vibrating... This is strong. My body is melting. Hold on.. Just hold on.. No wait, don't fight it.. that will be uncomfortable. Oh shit, if I let go I'm going to die.. Right, that's the point isn't it? But wait.. I just realized something.. I don't want to die! Noooo!!!

Fear.. Panic.. Terror. I do NOT want to die. I thought I had my thoughts somewhat resolved on this, but there was no way to know until I actually felt it. And now I know.. I do not want to die. I'm afraid to die. I'm grateful for this life. I'm happy here.. I want to go home.. I want this to go away. Let me go in and go to bed. I'll never do it again.. I promise.. I wasn't ready. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.. Please be gentle. Forgive me. Wait, the vine.. Caapi? Where are you? Help me, please..

No answer..

Oh boy.. Flying fast and faster.. The vibration is almost an explosion. What am I going to do? I know I need to let go.. uhh.. NO! Tried it, too scary.. can't do that.. but wait, at this rate, pretty soon I won't be able to resist.. Oh god.. What's going to happen when it engulfs me? Oh boy oh boy oh god..

Breathe... My breathe. I have my breath still. I have that. Focus.. Oh god.. I understand what Tia was saying.. I'm just a baby! Oh loving universe, have mercy on me! You wouldn't hurt a baby would you? Everyone loves babies.. I'm just a baby.. so young.. I know nothing. I don't have a clue.

This all really is such an illusion isn't it? I can sense reality suddenly.. Like it was there behind the curtain the whole time.. I know this. I've always known this. Why do I need these crazy/painful psychedelic experiences to remember and appreciate things? It doesn't matter.. Nothing matters. It does, but really it doesn't. I have consequences for my actions yeah, but they don't matter.. Or do they? Wait, I know... They do and they don't at the same time. Yes, that's it. Duh.

I'm not alone now.. The vibrating is so strong I almost don't perceive it, weird.. I've flown somewhere far away. And there's something in front of me. It's so bright. And big. This is the biggest most powerful thing I've ever sensed before. It's so huge. Immense. Understanding. Loving.. So bright. Oh my god, this is the source. This is what I really am. (There's that silly "I" word again, what does that even mean?). This is the reason for all reasons. This is everything and nothing at the same time. That's the only thing that really makes sense anyway, right? We silly humans spend so much time trying to understand this universe.. but the answer is really so simple we overlook it all the time. The only thing that's even possible is everything and nothing. That's the only way it could ever work. There can be no other way. This isn't real. None of it is really real. It IS real. This makes perfect sense right now. I know this to be true. Human experience is kind of like the most powerful psychedelic the universe has ever known.

Nonetheless.. Here is the source. In front of me. Inside me. Outside me. Reality has ripped at the seams. Breathe. In. Out.. I'm still here.. I've been here the whole time. Did I ever let go? No, I don't think so. No, certainly not, not all the way. Thank you oh gentle teacher.. I wasn't ready tonight. I was NOT ready.. How can you be ready?! Hahahaha... Oh my god.. Hahaha...

Crazy.. What happened? What just happened?? Hahahahahhaa.. Oh my.. Is that rain on my face? Hahahaha... Perfect. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I love them. Oh my god, I love everybody. I want everyone to be happy. I just want to hold them in the womb of creation and let them know everything will be ok. I know it to be so. All is love. Pain is still there, but the love is stronger.. The only way is everything at the same time.. Love, pain.. Same time. It's the only way. That's why.

Wow I'm still here.. I made it. Ooooooh... Hahahahaha... Thank you, thank you thank you thank you... Oh my gosh.

Should I drink the last little bit in my glass?

NOOOOO!!! Not tonight... certainly not tonight.. Hahahaha. Oh no.

Wow.. Wow, wow, wow.. What happened? Hahahahaaha.. Oh my. I am just a baby. Yes. I was cradled, briefly, in the ultimate womb. I'm certainly not ready for this. But then, who really is? Will I do this again? Hahahahaha.. I want to say no, but I know that's a lie. Oh my.. oh my. Thank you Source. Thank you for being gentle. I understand you had to scare me a bit at first I guess.. But wow, I really am afraid of dying.. I hadn't realized it until now. Wow... Sooo grateful to be alive. Thank you.

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So yes... It worked. And that was a small dose? Hahahaha... I'll add more if it comes to me, but I need to get ready to go pick my daughter up now. But wow I wanted to share that. Hope it wasn't too hard to read the whole thing.. I figured first-person prose was really my best chance at conveying things.. That's the best I can do right now at trying to catch the thoughts in my head.. Because that's where most of it took place, in my head.. Part of it was somewhere out in the universe, but this small dose... mostly inside me. And wow, I'm glad I started small..

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