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Topics - Muschae

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Flooding / How long to wait between two floods?
« on: May 09, 2016, 11:17:53 AM »
I had an iboga flood (16g rootbark) but I would like to try ibogaine also. How long do you think I should wait for iboga to clear out of my system? My provider recommended 3 months.

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General Discussion / What to do when it gets really hard..
« on: February 28, 2016, 12:35:19 PM »
Well, I'm 1,5 months away from my scheduled flood for mental health problems and trying to accept that the relationship with my ex is over. I'm getting impatient. The past 10 months were indescribably horrible for me. Had a mental breakdown and destroyed my relationship with the man I still see as the one. Mostly I just feel self-hatred or intense grief over losing him forever. I've isolated myself and can't be around people. I'm lonely and I feel like I am trash. I'd give anything to get to repair some of the damage, but by now it's too late. The self doubt won't even let me keep the love I feel for him. Most of the time I can't feel any love, just sadness and hate for myself. I can't even understand why he ever loved me at all. Like there is nothing good inside me that an amazing person like him could love. I know this sounds a lot like a pity party. Rationally I know this, but it doesn't help. I'm just so so sad.. What do you do when it gets this bad? Does anyone have any advice? I've been lying in bed in a dark room trying to sleep through the next month and a half, but it's impossible. I have to work. I have to pretend I'm alive but I just so desperately don't want to be.. I don't want to be pathetic, but my life just seems like a huge black hole that will never fill up. Like I am nothing without the love of that amazing man. Like I don't exist anymore. Meh. This IS a pity party, I know. Just wanted to get these feelings out. I need to somehow survive until the flood and then I'll see if anything changes..

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Flooding / Feelings of love during/after the flood
« on: February 04, 2016, 12:59:11 PM »
I would like to know if any of you have experience with being unable to feel love and Iboga fixing this for you and allowing you to open yourself up again? Any kind of love, romantic, towards your parents, hobbies, pets, life, anything. Or maybe just a short description of how it affected your ability for love even if you didn't have problems with this before the flood.
Thanks!

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Micro-Dosing / My microdosing progress
« on: January 27, 2016, 05:38:40 PM »
Hey, I thought I'd open another topic just for sharing how my microdosing is doing & to ask for advice on this specifically.

Day 1 & 2: nothing substantial is happening

Day 2 & 4: my chest feels uncomfortable or achey at times, but I've had that before, I think it's related to my lack of exercise. Had coffee at work, made me feel unusually anxious for a while then nothing else. I'm sleepy all the time and need to take naps in the afternoon.

Day 5: feeling emotionally numb, but with racing thoughts (feels pretty much like being on a heavy dose of antidepressants), still sleepy and mind feels fuzzy at times

Hope the numbness goes away, it's scaring me.

This is pretty much it for now.

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Introductions / Hi everyone
« on: January 24, 2016, 08:47:52 AM »
Hi,

I'm  joining this forum to find some information on microdosing and a flood that I have scheduled in July this year. I've been having mental health problems my whole life and hope that iboga could be helpful in solving them. Hope there's anyone here who has experience with iboga and mental dissociation so we can exchange info! I didn't quite know what to attribute my problems to for decades and have only now realized that I've dissociated from reality to survive my family life as a young child. In any case, hello to you all, to those with mental health problems and to those without. I hope we all get something good out of Iboga.

Muschae

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Hey everybody,

I'm new here and wanted to ask some specific questions that I haven't really found answered on this forum yet.
I started microdosing yesterday (two drops from Maya Ethnobotanicals TA tincture) for my mental health issues.
For basically the last 15 years (I'm 25), I've noticed  that I don't feel nearly as okay as other people seem to feel mentally(understatement). It started out with feeling extremely sad for apparently no reason and continued with general anxiety and panic attacks and just generally feeling low. I've always felt like I'm looking at the world from behind a glass wall, almost completely unable to connect with other people (which was not helped at all by having parents who intentionally isolated me from people my age as to not pick up "bad influences"). I called these feelings depression, because I didn't know what else to call them, but really what I felt was despair and emptiness. I tried many antidepressants and other meds, spent a month in a mental hospital (at 18), tried yoga, meditation, therapy, just sucking it up and going out etc... Nothing helped. I continued to feel like I'm empty on the inside, like I have no personality.

Well I thought that maybe I'll get a handle on it last year through therapy, but what happened is that I just took my therapist's advice and suppressed my bad feelings instead of processing. And while I had a period where I felt better than before, it all exploded in my face and I had a severe nervous breakdown about 7 months ago. It was a horrible breakdown where I only wanted to die for months and months, completely wrecked my romantic relationship and basically isolated myself completely again. I still feel like sh*t. But I did realize a few things:
1. I'm not "depressed", there is nothing wrong with my brain chemistry, I don't need meds(been off them for years)
2. My feelings stem from childhood trauma
3. Because my parents never allowed me to be myself, I kind of "disassociated" and created a fake personality that does everything they want from me (probably as a quite young child). My real self became suffocated behind this personality and I felt more and more horrible with each passing year because I could never connect with people through this fake self.
4. This personality is still the "boss" in my life and only allows me short flashes of who I really am here and there. Living like this is horrifying. The "other" me isn't really too capable of feeling how to treat others (quite numb in this way) so it completely wrecked my wonderful ex boyfriend emotionally and the real me is horrified over what I/we did.


I've scheduled an Iboga flood in July but wanted to try microdosing first to see how it affects me on a smaller scale. So far it only made me feel numbed out yesterday evening and this morning. But it's only been one day so I'll keep trying for a week at least.

My questions:
Do you think that a flood could be beneficial for me & does anyone here have experience with a similar situation? I know that it could potentially harm me mentally, but my life is sh*t already, so I'm kind of at the end of my rope here.

Do you think that a full on flood dose that leaves me completely without control could maybe be more beneficial than microdosing where I'm guessing that "the other me" is still trying to control the process somehow?

I've read a few threads on here that talk about dissociation, but I didn't see anything quite like my problem so I'm not sure if the warnings there apply... All I know is that when I get a flash of the "real me", that real me looks perfectly fine, like it's been "out there" for the whole 25 years and is able to function on its own and has quite a personality and is not at all empty. The problem is that these flashes happen rarely and are accompanied by regret over how I've lived my life and how I've treated people (looks like the real me is completely capable  of feeling the pain of others and feels horrible over "my" behavior).


TLDR:
As a child I kind of disassociated from my true personality to please my parents, now I'm 25 years old and still feel horrible because I can't get my true personality back. I'm trying microdosing hoping it will help but also scheduled a flood in July. Any warnings, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated.

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