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Topics - eboseeker

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Eboka Talk / Shoutout to GratefulDad
« on: April 17, 2016, 03:12:33 PM »
Hey GratefulDad,

I sent you a private message months ago, but you didn't respond. And obviously you aren't active on this forum anymore.

The last time we heard from you was plain sad. It seems like you were (and probably still are) fighting with tough
health issues, to quote you "Parkinson's symptoms and balance issues".

For everyone who's not up to speed, here's the thread:

I have suffered similarly from Iboga, see:

My symptoms get slightly better from year to year, but my life could have been a whole lot better, if I had simply never
taken Iboga.

I know many of you think to themselves "I got nothing to lose, and Iboga is calling me", but I had those same thoughts.

Doing an Iboga flood one time is dangerous enough, I was fool enough to try it 2 and a half times, with only doing
it 1 time I'd be in a better shape today, but zero times would've been the best recipe for me.

There are safer psychedelic drugs out there, for example psilocybin didn't do any damage to me. (Although I didn't try it more than once.)

GratefulDad used to be the biggest proponent of Iboga and one of the most notorious (in a good sense!) members on this forum,
whenever he was writing about the topic, you could feel how he was glowing from inside. For a long time I also promoted Iboga,
I was seeing my first flood in a positive light which it didn't really deserve. To be completely honest there were some amazing
miracle feelings (awakening feelings) happening in my first flood, however my motoric functions got messed up by this first flood as well
and in hindsight the short-term (weeks to months) high wasn't worth messing with the chemistry of my brain.

I proselytized people about Iboga back then, when I didn't even know about the long-term effects on myself yet.

The fact GratefulDad has become silent makes me desolate (I knew him pretty well from long talks in IRC) and it should give everyone
who just stumbled over the topic of Iboga pause. Don't do it because you wan't to "go on a journey" or because "you have nothing to lose",
I thought I had nothing to lose (I was suicidal), but that was totally wrong. My IQ has gone down significantly, my motoric functions have
become worse and never fully recovered, which makes me a partly retarded person.

Please think about the things that you DO have before you dabble in Iboga. It's likely more than you thought, we all know the saying;
It can always get worse! And Iboga could be one of those paths that can make your life worse and not better.

I'm not entirely discounting the possibility of success stories, but as you can see with people such as GratefulDad and myself, you may not hear
about the fail stories that much (these people tend to disappear), once the brain is effed up, writing on a forum can become a greater hassle, and of course you lose
interest in the community that led you to such a dark place.

But this is why I'm writing this again, I may have lost 10-40 IQ points (depending on which ability you measure), I may have
become disillusioned with quick solutions (literal miracle drug) like Iboga, but I still have a huge deal of love for the community and
the interesting, helpful and warm people that make it up.

I hope GratefulDad will return to this forum someday and hopefully get much better. Does anybody know what's up with him now?

The lesson I learned from all of this is simply that I used to have a pretty good (not brilliant however) head on my shoulders, and
I squandered much of my talent by doing multiple experiments with Iboga and also some other drugs (hint: LSD isn't worth it!).

Please don't take this personally if you happen to have a love relationship with everything Iboga, I know one or two samples
(although there were more on this forum and other sources I found, as well as reported deaths...) aren't representative, and
you can argue against or for almost anything if you have the passion, but all I wanted to do is give people a chance to
think this through again before they go down an irreversible road.

I wish all of you a great life. Each and everyone here has something to lose that they probably don't realize.

I keep coming back to this forum in the hope that GratefulDad is still among us and will someday answer my PM.

Love you GratefulDad! Love all of you!


Suggestions & Comments / Private Messages Sent but not in Sent Items
« on: December 21, 2015, 05:18:17 PM »

in the past days I sent two private messages, and I'm almost 100% sure that I saw a "message sent successfully" type of page at the end.

But now when I go to the "My Messages" area and then to "Sent Items" it says "No messages", as if I hadn't sent any messages.

It worries me that something went wrong in sending the messages, but of course it could also just be a forum bug or a weird policy
here to not keep sent messages.

I'd like clarification.


Eboka Talk / 4 years after my flood my opinion on Iboga
« on: April 01, 2015, 10:07:11 PM »
Hello good people of this forum,

when I first learned about Iboga in a podcast I became extremely fascinated with the subject.
I was suicidal and really in despair, that certainly had a part in making me wanting to try something unlike anything else
I've ever tried before. I didn't have a substance abuse problem (although I was on anti-depressants for about a year back then),
I didn't smoke, I didn't drink one drop of alcohol in my life and I was 23 years old at the time. I also didn't take any or try
any other drugs or psychedelics, so the podcast about Iboga and my ensuing fascination with the topic of psychedelics was
in many ways a big shift in my perception.

I did a lot of research on Iboga and in my mind it was not unlike a miracle cure. What I wanted to cure with it was my
social anxiety, general anxiety, low self-esteem, not knowing what my place in life should be, mild autism/extremely introverted,
adhs, self-hatred and resulting depression.

First I tried small doses of Iboga at home, it was an interesting experience, but of course didn't really help me to fix
my "soul problems". I did some more research and soon I had a date with an experienced ibogaine guide for a full flood.

In the days before the experience I was certain that my life was about to change completely and that a real miracle was
going to happen. When I finally swallowed the stuff a trip took its course which definetely changed my life, but I'm highly
unsure that it was for the good.

First let me clarify that my trip definitely had some great elements in it, although what I can remember now are merely
shadows. It was like the most amazing dream, and there were times in the trip where I felt I was an enlightened being
literally like a Buddha, in other parts of the trip I must have seen, heard and felt the most amazing things, because
I certainly was in awe and I was crying of joy. There was even a "point" of awakening in the trip which I don't quite
understand in hindsight, I mean I can vividely remember the joy I felt in that moment, the feeling of being born again
if you will, a kind of freedom, being completely free of depression maybe.

I'm still happy for those positive experiences, although as I said they are really only shadows in my mind now.

The less pretty side of my trip was as ugly and horrible and excruciating as the pretty side was amazing.
Maybe its because time flies when positive stuff happens and it goes really slow when negative stuff happens,
but in my memory there is much more left of the negative side of the trip and it seemed to dominate my trip.
Who knows why this has to be, maybe that's where you're confronted with the ego, or maybe it's a reflection
of a mind that already was in a depression for a whole decade. Just like most of my dreams seem to be
some variation of a nightmare, or just all-out nightmares, it makes sense to me that my Iboga trip also
contained a whole bunch of "self-punishment".

I didn't really speak about that negative part of the trip back then, while my trip was occuring I didn't speak much
at all, maybe I should've opened my mouth a lot more to get some useful deflection from my guide, but most
of the time I was just absorbed in my trip and just stated that "I'm alright". Of course there was also
shame inside of me, those extremely negative parts of my trip almost seemed like some kind of devil was
making an effort to destroy every last ounce of hope. There were many different stages with different themes
and different ways to torture me. Some parts I can remember a little better, the most interesting or most beautiful
ones I seem to have almost forgotten completely. The part I seem to remember best is marked by grotesque
absurdity. The purpose of this part seemingly was completely to "fry my brain". Everything was totally stupid
and left me just feeling like a worthless idiot and piece of shit. You might say this was the mirror to my ego,
but I still don't really see how to learn something from torture. I know I wanted to get out of this maze
of stupidity but it seemed to be an eternity and I just didn't know how to hit the brakes. It was pure unending hellish horror.
By the way some of the good parts also seemed like an eternity at the time, although I can't remember anything concrete.
I'm sorry I can't give you many examples since I only remember shadows and my own reactions.

Inspite of the negative parts, which didn't really come as a surprise to me because they came up in my research
about iboga, in the days and weeks following my trip I was satisfied with the experience.
One thing is definitely true, if you do survive (yes, there is apparently a minority that doesn't and from
my own experience I can say it's really a tough time on the body and the mind (for me) and
therefore it's believable to me that some would die from it), after your trip and your awakening experience
you'll get the much talked about Iboga glow. The depression was lifted, my face was changed, the deep
sadness and resulting uglyness was gone for a while and I was glowing and maybe my face was
prettier than before (before it was ugly), I was able to smile much more naturally etc.
This "glowing" effect faded out in the coming weeks and months.

It makes sense that someone with a drug abuse problem would be able not to abuse drugs in the time
following a Iboga flood, since you feel so light and the world seems beautiful and the depression is lifted for a while,
so it totally makes sense that there's nothing that is triggering you into abusing anything.
Why would you want to get drunk for example, when you're feeling amazingly amazing anyhow?
Remember that I didn't have a substance abuse problem, I just went of my anti-depressants a couple of weeks
before I had my flood to avoid any complications, but the source of my problems wasn't my medication,
I was only taking anti-depressants for less than a year and my depression was already a decade old.
I'm just reflecting why it makes sense to me how Iboga indeed could help someone to get of substances.

I had to go to college a few weeks after my trip and soon enough I realized that my old problems
hadn't gone. Some people reacted positively to me because of that Iboga glow and my new found
positive attitude, but soon enough I noticed that my old shortcomings were still there and I still
needed courage to break through my social anxiety and so on.

I want to tell you about the damage that the flood apparently did to my brain. The experience being
as extreme as it is, I initially was convinced that all of that was just side-effects and that soon enough
all of those side-effects would vanish.
After the trip was over I still had enormous problems walking correctly and with gauging spatial distances.
It's not that I couldn't walk, but it was like I lost a huge part of muscle memory and/or had horrifying
unability to coordinate my movement and orientation. For example I couldn't apply the right amount
of pressure when pressing buttons with my hands, either I went way over board or I didn't apply
any pressure at all.
When I was walking it sometimes looked like I was drunk and in the middle of walking I even
had mild flashbacks to my trips where I lost normal consciousness for fractions of a second.
I know for a fact that those effects never vanished compeletly, I really had to learn to move
correctly (I didn't have to learn everything from zero of course, but controlling my body became many times
more difficult) again at the age of 23 and 4 years later I'm still in the process.
But I was in denial about the negative stuff that had happened to me and I didn't search any help for it,
because I was convinved it was going to go away by itsself soon enough and it was normal.

Unfortunately some bad experiences happened in my life that were starting to overshadow the Iboga glow
only months after my trip. Indeed I was suicidal again maybe 2-3 months later. Isn't it interesting
how people with their mouths saying mean things behind other people's back can make those people
hate their life again and can make them cry and go into despair again. Maybe my downfall is that my
ears are just too good.

Whatever this being born again feeling is and whatever those amazing and beautiful 4D dreams are,
all of this is a miracle indeed while it happens. But in my experience it's not a guarantuee you won't
get brain damage for the rest of your life. It's also not a guarantuee you won't meet mean people
again in your life and that you'll be able to deal with it.

There's only one thing I know that has definitely changed due to the trip. Before it I was an atheist,
I really did believe death is the end of everything. Now I know, notice that I use the word knowing and
not believing, because I don't need to believe something anymore once I really know it. Now I know
that whatever this infinitely complex thing is that we call existence, it can't be a product of only randomness,
there's a web that holds all of existence together, a gigantic mind, of course I can't explain it but once
you've been "there" you don't need those explanations.

But even if you're a spiritual seeker, in all honesty, I'd not advise you to take the risk and use Iboga.
It could work for you and leave you undamaged, but if you'd know the hell that my life has been
since I took Iboga, you'd not touch it. Just google Iboga and brain damage and there are a couple
of accounts, some of which seem even worse than my own. Try something else like maybe ayahuasca
or dmt, but I wouldn't risk an Iboga flood (in hindsight) for psychological or spiritual reasons.
Yes, I know that a lot of people have been helped a great deal by Iboga and everybody has to make
his or her own decision. Based on many positive accounts I made my decision 4 years ago and
today I think it was one of the greatest errors in my life.
I'm not blaming everything negative in my life on Iboga, but I know that everything is a lot harder
for me than it needs to be, because I literally am retarded compared to the way my brain worked
before I had my trip.

I have to use those harsh words here to hammer my point into the brains of people that are considering
to experience an Iboga trip for reasons other than coming of hard drugs (and even those users should
note what I've to say). Iboga can literally make you retarded. I mean your brain, but in all honesty,
who is you? You is your brain. You are your brain. Your brain is you. Without your brain you're nothing.
Your brain is everything that you are. And I can give you first hand testimony of Iboga definitely leaving
the brain damaged.

Example. I'm a geek and I've been writing computer programs in many different languages since I was about
12 years old. Now I've huge problems to solve my own puny computer problems and I often just give up out
of frustration, where the old me (my unfried brain) usually only needed minutes to solve such problems and
it used to be fun. Before Iboga the mouse and keyboard were like second nature to me, my mouse, keyboard,
display and mind coordination was flawless, now I've problems hitting the right buttons with the mouse,
and my typing requires a lot more concentration, the coordination of switching between mouse and keyboard
is also more difficult, everything seems harder. What used to be fun for me, now has become work.
And that's just one tiny example of what I mean when I say Iboga can make you retarded. I mean it literally,
I don't mean it to be demeaning, your ability to function in the normal world can drop drastically and it won't
ever get back to being quite as it was before. Which is especially bad when you already had problems to
function in the normal world before you ever tried something like Iboga.

By the way I don't mean that I'm literally crazy (although from time to time I like to be a little positively crazy), I definitely don't
run naked in the streets, I don't talk to myself when I know people are around, and I don't suddenly
have any extremist opinions, I don't harm other people (that was always a high ideal for me, and still is),
I'm still able to make sane judgements.

The problem is just that I'm not functioning normally, I can't keep my apartment clean, I can't hold a job,
I can't move/coordinate my body properly, everything is hard and frustrating for me, my depression is still kicking ass (mostly my own),
I'm generally slower in thinking and doing stuff.
I tried to hold a relatively easy job where you have to work with your body, but I they kept saying to me that I was just too slow and they were pressuring me to be faster, which frustrated me so much(, since I was giving my best,) that I had to throw in the towel.

Following the year when I had my initial flood and being depressive and suicidal and all again I started
to experiment with a couple more psychedelics. I still thought that my problems were "only side-effects",
for example I tried weed for a couple of months, and while I had positive experiences with it, in the
end it made me only less funtional than I already was. I just stopped it forever. I never had a problem
with stopping the use of a substance. I never got physically dependend on a "drug", thank god.
Two years after my flood I tried Iboga again, I still hadn't made the connection between my even bigger
problems, my even deeper depression, my even worse life and what Iboga had done to my brains condition.
I was giving Iboga another chance in my apartment without a guide (foolish I know), because I still had
a strange kind of trust in the promise that Iboga meant to me.
I had some concentrated Ibogaine and some root bark, but it wasn't enough for a full flood. It was
something on the half way to a full flood.
I can not say much positive about this half-flood trip, it was a bad trip from the beginning to the
end and there was no awakening moment or anything like that. I could feel how my brain was getting duller.
When the dose kicked in I instanstly felt and knew that I had made a mistake, I already felt that
I was trapped inside a body with a broken brain and this trip was making it even more broken.
I knew it as soon as it kicked in, it's literally like my lights went out. I've destroyed my life.
The trip was horrible. And after it was finally over I realized that all my coordination problems
were intensified even more now.
Now it was so bad, that I wasn't able to easily brush my own teeth. Please read this carefully.
I wasn't able to easily brush my own teeth. For a long time it was hard work for me to do such a simple task.
Since this half-flood 2 years have gone by and I learned to brush my teeth easily thankfully, but
I'll probably always lag far behind how people that never had their brain damaged can live their life.

Finally after my half-flood 2 years ago I then realized that Iboga is not good for me and has indeed caused
a lot of serious damage. Since then I didn't try any other drugs. My brain is very slowly recovering,
at this rate I'm completely normal in about 100 years. But I'd probably be happy with being more or less
normal and that could be possible in about 10 years I guess.

My intention here isn't to bash Iboga or people that love Iboga. The topic of psychedelics is fascinating, in my opinion
every adult should be free to do whatever he or she wishes to do. In the full flood Iboga has shown
me beauty and I had wonderful emotions, I was practically "enlightened" for a while.
I love the stories where people used Iboga and it turned their life around into a positive direction, but I noticed that
I'm not the only one who noticed that shit can and does go wrong occasionally. It properly depends on your individual
brain, but nobody can tell you beforehand if you'll get away unscarred or not.

The people I want to warn the most is guys like me that heard about Iboga on some podcast and now have placed
all their hopes on the trip "showing them the light", because they feel lost in the world.
If you break a leg, or even if you have cancer, there's a good chance that modern medicine can help you. But
when you belong to the minority that gets brain damage by Iboga, you can only pray to god to heal you.
I did try lots and lots of supplements like fish oil and yadda yadda to help my brain fix itsself, but the reality
is that brain damage is no joke, and will probably never be fully reversed from what I'm experiencing.

I realize this really seems in the end like I'm hating on Iboga, but I don't. I still love the community,
and if someone is helped by Iboga I'm glad for it. The bad "side-effects" probably only happen to a fraction of
people, but I think that risk must be considered when you're thinking about doing an Iboga flood.

Introductions / Read-only member introducing himself
« on: August 22, 2010, 10:15:12 PM »

I signed up  3 months ago and went into read-only mode, besides being in the chat room alot (as dadada). I've chewed on small amounts of bark and I hope to do a flood. Hope to share an iboga journal and some of my backgrounds with you soon and to have some fun here.

So long.

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