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Messages - rez_runner

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1
Flooding / Re: Cant shake the fear of doing a flood
« on: November 02, 2016, 12:01:15 AM »
Yes I'll probably just do it at a retreat center or clinic so I don't have to worry about that. I definitely want to be physically safe, but how do you prepare internally for something you have no experience with?  It's gotten to the point now where I don't even smoke weed anymore because it gives me such bad panic attacks and anxiety and unwanted memories of things. I know there's a lot of crap I need to clear up in my life which I'm hoping ibogaine can help with but I just don't want the experience to be complete terror without me getting anything out of it but regret, ya know? I'm just so sick of my situation in life though that I know I need a complete 180 or I'm gonna go insane. I've already lost most of my joy and motivation for life and I'm just sick of living in fear and ignorance all the time.. so this is why a flood has been on my mind so much lately

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Flooding / Re: Cant shake the fear of doing a flood
« on: October 26, 2016, 08:37:14 PM »
You have done a flood in the past though, right?  Did you feel the same way then as well?  It seems like there are a lot of desperate people out there who do this mainly for getting off of opiates and I'm sure a large number of them aren't mentally prepared either, so I'm wondering if iboga is gentle enough to not give a completely overwhelming and negative experience that most people can't handle for their first time.  I want to be ready but there's only so much I can do to prepare I just feel stuck..

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Flooding / Cant shake the fear of doing a flood
« on: October 20, 2016, 10:50:19 PM »
It's been awhile since I've posted on here but lately I've been thinking a lot about finally bringing myself to do ibogaine to hopefully help fix my chaotic life.  I had intentions like 4 or 5 years ago to do ibogaine but I have so much fear and anxiety that I keep running away from it.  I know how bad I need to do this but I'm afraid of what the experience will be like and what I'll end up finding in my head.  I have done different psychedelics including ayahuasca but just remembering how negative all my ayahuasca trips were makes me hesitant to do a 20 hour trip with ibogaine.  I mean, at least ayahuasca is over in like 4 hours but something keeps telling me that I need more time to prepare for such an intense journey but at the same time the more I wait the more I go nowhere.  I'm not progressing in life and meditating and other energy work isn't really doing much for me.

Is that all I have to look forward to is a complete ass kicking and extreme difficulty during my trip?  I don't want it to be completely negative and feel worse when it's all done but I sure as hell don't want to live like this anymore.  I know part of the healing process is going to be difficult but maybe I'm just overthinking this...

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General Discussion / Re: Did kambo for the first time
« on: August 25, 2013, 11:15:22 PM »
I noticed that larger burns and larger dots will help the kambo hit you much harder, just make sure you don't give yourself a large enough burn that will leave a scar that you might not want later on.

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Eboka Talk / Re: I think I'm healed
« on: August 25, 2013, 11:07:07 PM »
Awesome to hear, just make sure to keep it up.  I have had some profound experiences on psychedelics in the past only to revert back to my old ways with time, just because life does that to you I guess.  Then I had to learn the hard way again after I slipped back up and finally realized it.  Live and learn I guess

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General Discussion / Re: Getting really tired of it all
« on: July 30, 2013, 06:21:54 PM »
Yep, know the feeling.  In the last 4 or 5 years now I've probably had atleast 2 or 3 dozen completely psychotic nervous breakdowns.  Thought suicide or a mental hospital was the only 2 options lying in my future path.  Its a battle, that's for sure.  But as they say, knowledge is power, and once you get it you're free again imo.

7
Thanks all for the awesome replies, it helps a lot knowing i'm not alone in all of this.  Yes, I truly want to find my real self that's buried somewhere in my mind, as I feel everyday that i'm just living out someone else's life or someone else's programs that have taken me over.  I feel like it wants to fight for its life, and therefore destroy me if it has to in order to protect itself.  I know from the last few times I tripped on ayahuasca that I was frustrated from not going deep enough but when I increase the dose the only thing that changes in the trip is a deeper fear and terror that make me shy away from doing it again.

This is why I found iboga.  I felt like this was my ticket to break out of this prison cell I've been trapped in, because nothing else is working (and the frustration and failure is really eating me up).  I need a deep, deep cleansing, and I need to shatter this reality i'm in because it is killing me.  Maybe you're right, iboga is really an ally and I need to see it that way, which is why I think I just need to surrender and let the spirit of the plant just take me where it wants.  If it is terror, then I hope it has enough mercy to bring me out of it a new person and free my mind by time its all done.  I strongly feel this is my only option left in life right now, as everything else is taking me further downwards...  Wish me luck

8
Well I've given this a lot of thought lately, and I've come to the conclusion that the only way out of this nightmare in my life is to go to hell and back.  Its obvious that the negative influence in my life wont let up on its grip on me, as every single month year after year theres something waiting around the corner to destroy me somehow.  Constant bad luck, constant negative people/events/situations and non stop failures in the most ridiculous ways keep happening to me, and i'm tring so hard to fix it but it just wont go away.

I can feel it everyday weighing me down, I can feel it in my body and my heart the twisted, messed up energy that's causing chaos in my life.  And every time I trip I go to a place of terror and pain and negativity- no matter what the set/setting are or how I prepare.  I think something is telling me that its ready for me, and it wants to take me to hell when i'm ready to go that deep, because why would I never have a peaceful ayahuasca trip?  Its always the same, which is why i'm afraid to take it too deep.  And I know an iboga flood is what I need to just reset a lot of bad programming in my head and help me to see the world in a new light, but i'm terrified because I know what might be in store.  Is there any way out of this?  Something tells me I just need to do it but i'm not sure if i'm ready for it, but then again i'll probably never be ready so I just need to get it out of the way because I feel like my life depends on it.  At the rate i'm going in life I'm sensing death might not be far away if I don't destroy this curse that's got ahold of me.  I'm scared.  I just don't know what to do right now but maybe I just need to stand up and fight this, which is why i'm trying to build my strength up spiritually but its not going fast enough.  Definitely a bit lost in life right now..

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No haven't done it yet, but I was planning on taking 200 mg one day just to experience the effects then take it all the next day.  Was thinking about 1.5 grams then taking the rest around 4 or 5 hours later?  That sounds like enough time to determine what I want

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Found this picture of the pineal not too long ago, thought it was pretty interesting

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Excellent documentary, very well done.  I would love to IV dmt sometime like the participants did, but the thing i'm afraid of most is purity issues.  Sounds like one hell of a ride, im almost certain ill do it someday

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Thats what i'm afraid of, but maybe its a sign that im supposed to start noticing these things.  I want to start lucid dreaming and astral projecting but damn these are hard as hell to do..

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Diet & Recipes / Re: Traditional Ayahuaca healing
« on: June 10, 2013, 04:34:29 PM »
Every time I've done ayahuasca on my own I've had a bad trip.  Negative, scary, ill feelings and a gross heaviness feeling and pretty much all fear the whole time.  The one time I did it in peru however, with a shaman, it was complete beauty and I felt completely cleansed and healed.  I felt pretty blessed as he turned out to be a gifted shaman

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Diet & Recipes / Re: Kangen Water
« on: June 10, 2013, 04:14:23 PM »
My dad drinks kangen water and swears by it.  I guess it gave him the shits for a good week which probably cleansed the hell out of him, but who knows it could just be placebo effect.  Paid over 2 grand for that machine so I hope it was worth it

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After switching from milk to almond milk I haven't gone back.  The last time I put milk in my cereal it tasted awful imo compared to almond milk.  And after reading about how cows milk really isn't good for you at all I've cut it out completely.  Don't miss it either

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