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Messages - Awakener

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1
Eboka Journals / Re: A Beautiful Journey
« on: March 31, 2014, 09:52:19 AM »
Great report! Like the polar opposite of mine. I get the theme thing.

2
Eboka Talk / Re: Repeated Iboga dosings - any additional benefit?
« on: March 26, 2014, 04:30:41 AM »
Thanks holybark. Good to know! I don't have any agenda to take it at the moment but I haven't ruled out taking it again in the future.

3
Eboka Talk / Re: Repeated Iboga dosings - any additional benefit?
« on: March 22, 2014, 11:18:01 PM »
Thanks Entheo, I will check those journals out. Any in particular you'd recommend?

4
Eboka Talk / Repeated Iboga dosings - any additional benefit?
« on: March 22, 2014, 08:14:22 AM »
I did a flood 9 months back and I don't intend to do another any time soon. But I was wondering if it is something I could do every say three years? I was curious about people who have repeated the flood on a few occasions and wanted to know what their experiences were. I'd be doing it mostly for exploration of my psyche and for healing reasons. Can anyone comment?

5
Eboka Talk / Ibogaine - thoughts 9 months since trip
« on: March 22, 2014, 07:24:11 AM »
This is in reference to this: http://eboka.info/index.php?topic=2227.0

9 months after my encounter with the mad, diabolical trickster figure that is Iboga, my thoughts are quite different to what they were soon after my return from Thailand. Of course this is my own personal experience, but I think there will be a couple of common themes that some people may be able to connect with. Quick qualifier - I took this for exploratory reasons rather than to beat an addiction. I wasn't suffering from any serious mental issues at the time, although I wasn't very happy with life.

1. While I think ibogaine can be a profound if 'off the charts crazy' experience, I don't think it has the power to fundamentally change anything unless a number of conditions are in place eg: your confidence and faith in the drug, what maladaptive patterns were operating in your life, how extreme these were, your reaction to the post-flood state, actions taken and so on. I have to say that I'm not really a guy that believes in plant spirits. In my case I feel very much the same, although the revealed truths of the experience are things I continue to work with to this day. I don't think any one who met me today would say that I am vastly different from before the trip. However I think that it did set the ball rolling for incremental change down the line in a way that is fairly subtle.

2. Ibogaine to me is a drug, a herbal hallucinogenic molecule and no more. I did feel that masculine, maniacal, trickster quality to the trip and indeed I even saw it embody itself as a cartoon-like entity, but my belief is that this was the effect of the drug's 'character' interacting with my psyche. That does not negate its usefulness for me though.

3. For me the ibogaine was about revealing to me the operating elements of my psyche, in a way that was very visceral. It seems to skew towards darkness for most people, rather than light - shining a light on the unpleasant aspects of the psyche. So it was for me too. It unearthed the unspeakably primal, the obscene, the animalistic, the id and the horror that is part and parcel of the human condition.

4. It revealed my phylogenetic connection to the rest of humanity and the animal kingdom. This was not at all pleasant because as people we like to think of such connections as fairly cute and tidy - " there's grandma ... grandpa ... the cute fish that walked on land ....." The truth is that this entire inheritance is a very tangled, fleshy, violent and ferral web that if one were to see in all its glory, can be an extremely lurid spectacle. Ibogaine does not really do soft and cuddly :)

5. If there was a theme in this trip, it was fear and the threat of both psychic and actual violence. I had never really realised the depth of my fear. When repressed fear is explored in its entirety, it is completely horrifying! A big part of the trip was my ambivalent connection to society. The alienation experienced through ruptured ties from repeated migrations around the world and the malevolence of society - revealed by the sight of my own internalized social identity. The presence of garish advertising in my mind - which a lot of people experience, I would class under this. We internalise a lot of social conditioning which does not sit very well with us. I feel having now seen my shadow, I can see the strong effects that such buried fears can have and it is my aim to explore them further and dismantle them.

5. A strong theme that seems to be there in a lot of peoples trips is the limits of human existence, ticking clocks, regret about the past etc. In other words existential finitude. I guess this is a great tool to give people a kick up the ass. Its easy to delude yourself about sorting things out at some unspecified time in the future. For an addict with a lifelong habit I can imagine how confronting this would be. For myself also regret and longing were massive themes, driven by the clear sight of 'the wall' that was to be my senility and death. This was something I struggled with the most. I got back from Thailand, thinking I was getting old and determined to find a girlfriend so that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life alone etc. It was clearly an over-reaction driven by fear. I guess the ibogaine trip has a bit of an action oriented vibe to it, so its easy to come out of it and go 'I'm going to do that ... I have to do this' Now much later I realise that this was an after-effect of the Ibogaine beating me with its stick and while that can definitely be a goad for action, it can also be reactionary and fear-based. At present I use the knowledge of existential finitude given to me by the ibogaine experience to keep me grounded. I also want to penetrate, understand and ultimately overcome the dilemma of existential finitude.

6. The cesspit that was my psyche did make me realise how caught up in fears I was. The outcome was me making more of an effort to enjoy life, to have fun, to aim for happiness and so on. The goal now is to be as happy as I can be, making that a priority at the expense of everything else. I can see why there is this urge in people who have iboga to purify, to cleanse etc. I feel very much that while there was a purging of sorts, the dirt is not the kind that can be scrubbed clean. The dirt is to be understood and waded through in a sensible way. The animalistic nature of human beings is never going to be clean and tidy.

7. Flood is right! I had basically no control over the entire trip and a lot of my pain came from trying to control and stop the horror of the trip. On the other hand I don't really know that I could have controlled my reactions or else I wouldn't have been flooded!

8. The flood also revealed to me the subtle deception involved with the ego trying to claim insights for itself. Shoring it up as a defence against the horror and craziness of the rest of the world, the rest of the psyche. This is bound to only create more fear and bad stuff through a lack of integration. The goal for me is going to be to cede control and to more and more be lived ... be part of the flow, rather than making an effort to do shit in order to bolster my self-worth. Seeing the way the psyche works and the 'self' trying to sneakily appropriate, this and that - was one of the coolest things I experienced on ibogaine. Iboga so kicked my ass on that last one! Every 'trick' to politely acquiesce was exposed brutally and instantly.

 

6
I was still in the grip of a grey day when I was going through the airport in Koh Samui and was feeling fairly insecure and paranoid at the time. My co-ordination was not 100% and I was wondering what happened if I freaked out in the airport. Visions of Bangkok Hilton's and firing squad's flashed before my eyes. Then after I got some sleep I could see it was an over-reaction caused by a fevered mind.

Now though I wonder what would have happened if someone had an absolute train-wreck of a trip and caused mayhem. What about someone who had life-threatening bradycardia and needed to be hospitalised. What about someone who was detoxing off large amounts of opioids, went rogue and this needed to be disclosed. Would the Thai authorities and hospital staff be reassured by the fact that this is an unregulated substance? I wonder how this would swing in a country where foreigners are not really seen as equals and may have less clout with the authorities ( although possibly sometimes they have more and can bribe their way out of trouble)

7
Warning! Long Post - Read The Sections You Prefer:

Prep and Logistics

I recently did an ibogaine flood in Thailand, Koh Samui with my good pal Zingdoozer whose posts are on this forum. It has been about 10 days now and I'm feeling very good indeed and at peace with the world. I signed up with Ibogaine Asia in Koh Samui. Zingdoozer had already had 2 floods before this so was a bit of a pro. This was to be a 'psychospiritual' as it is known in the trade as we were both not there for addiction treatment. We had the first  couple of days to sight-see, pig out on all the delicious island food, party and shop. Maybe our time would have been better spent meditating and setting intent etc. but as soon as we got there we were like fuck that we're on holiday lets see Thailand!

We were put up in a beautiful villa and my room in particular was bitchin. The setup was a  bit ad-hoc  as the centre had only just started - ourselves being practically the first clients so teething problems were to be expected. However Shea, the director had extensive experience working with Eric Taub in Costa Rica and was very au-fait and strict with the protocols to be followed. She suggested that we not dose the night of flying in and that we rehydrate plenty for the next 24 hours, giving us litres and litres of electrolyte water to have in preparation for what could be a dehydrating flood and post-flood day.

I got additional spiritual work with Michael Ulrich before and after my sessions. He works in a sort of kundalini yoga, advaita paradigm. Guy had a really good energy. I did obtain some good realisations from this work but I cant say it was earth shattering. It was an optional extra which I shelled out for. Mileage with him will vary depending on your belief system, personality style and whether you need the extra containment that his reassuring presence can provide. Zingdoozer opted not to work with him.

We consumed no alcohol at first but on the day before we were supposed to dose we had a beer each in the afternoon - not really enough to give us a buzz, but Shea barred us from having our flood for another 24 hours. I was a bit cross about this because this had not really been explained to us clearly but the caution that was exercised was comforting I suppose. It was our fault after all.

It was my first time doing Kambo. This we did on our own backs and is not offered at the centre. I just vomited and felt ill for 20 minutes.  Can't say I felt radically different to be honest but perhaps I had not had the full wallop of a dose. Zing said it was good to cleans the gates, so I thought - well why not! We did this 2 days prior.   

Phase 1 - The Flood

Zingdoozer had his flood first and myself  2 hours later. I set my intent before my flood by mulling over the list of questions I had, doing some banishing rituals, showering, meditating and lighting sage in the room. I was given the initial test dose  and felt nothing except very mild closed eye visuals and a buzzy feeling. Then I got the flood dose and my world was turned upside down. It seemed like for better or worse my set and setting were guaranteed to bad trip me. My life at this time, stresses and the vibes at the centre were all less than optimal. Some of it was probably my own projections. Even if I was in a better space I'm sure it would not have been a pleasant journey. I was plunged into a hellish vortex of fear and rage, with growing discomfort in my body and a dizzying, constantly moving torrent of disturbing imagery that came straight out of my worst nightmares. Little things that were niggling away and irritating me in my everyday life, took on grotesque and monstrous proportions, revealing the gargantuan icebergs of terror that I had almost completely repressed but were exerting massive gravitational effects on my psyche. I tried to follow Michaels advice and just see the experience as being 'non-self' but all I could do was cringe in agony and toss/turn in bed for hours.

There was a garish panorama of TV ads and iPhone screens with a spinning laughing disk in the centre. The disc spun with a rapid ferocity and the images began to change and morph. Cartoon like images which looked a bit like vintage monopoly characters kept moving around. It struck me how much advertising and computer screens were in my psyche. Every time I tried to 'take' something that was shown or offered to me as an 'insight' the cartoon changed and made fun of me thus invalidating any sense of personal accomplishment or ownership of the experience. It was like the Iboga (or my radically interconnected new mind) was miles ahead of me and everytime I tried to diminish my fear or regain by dignity by wisely claiming some insight, the rug was pulled out from under me. This happened endlessly with the heat, anxiety and discomfort in my body growing unbearably. The iboga 'entity' in the trip was a malevolent prankster. I felt like my body was being possessed by an alien being. I felt myself become dehumanised and alien like as did everything around me. I opened my eyes and saw the room filled with strange sculptures, streams of patterns. The imagery  I was hiding from re-emerged with my eyes open and to get rid of them I would close them. This continued endlessly so I was opening and closing my eyes a lot.

The iboga trickster was always one step head. It left my ego with no island to cling on to. I tried to not resist but I was not in the space of mind to do anything as graceful as this. All I could do was shrink in horror. I saw the horror of humanity. The savagery of mankind and horrible atrocities that are perpetrated by him. Wrongs that I felt had been done to me and my resentments took on grotesque caricatured forms, often bursting into images of flesh and gore which were obscene to the extreme. This is something I've experienced previously on tryptamines and ketamine. There was a crushing realisation of the sadness and hurt that I was harbouring inside me. I experienced all of mankind as a monolithic feral mass budding out of the universe being born, copulating, greedily murdering and hoarding, dying and decomposing in an endless cycle that was so vast and feral that any lovey dovey notions of humanity were lost in the scale of it. I realised what a disneyfied veneer of culture we had lacquered onto this throbbing biological substratum and how laughable it all was - our manners and 'culture' beneath these massive feral tectonic plates. I can see now where in my psyche the bizarre art I produce seems to emerge from.

I became all too aware of my mortality. I'd been kidding myself thinking I was still a 'child at  heart' whatever that means, but the lines on my face, grey hair and the faces of my friends all showed the signs of age and the scars of life. The Iboga made me all too aware of my limited time in the spotlight in the vast stream of life. Soon I would die. Soon I would rot and decompose. I recalled all the things I had done and had profound sadness and regret because I know that I could never really go back an undo what was done. There was an existential given I was locked in that I could never escape. There was a disgust with much of my life and what I had done. The chasing of hedonism, stupid decisions and short-termism I had indulged in seemed like utter idiocy. I longed to have children and a family. I longed to be free of my pain and terror.

Our sweet German nurse kept coming in every 20 minutes to check on me initially. Both her and the director took turns constantly  monitoring my pulse rate over a 48 hour period. This was a good thing and better than getting carted off to the ICU for bradycardia but in the heat of the trip it just added to the sense that what I was doing was sick and dangerous. 

Phase 2 - Gray Day(s)

Over the next few hours the trip gradually faded away very very slooowly. I felt icky and alien like. I wanted the ibogaine out of my body. I felt it to be alien substance that was infecting my body. I wanted to just get the hell out of the centre but could not move at all. When I tried to standup I felt dizzy and uncoordinated and nearly fell to the ground. I felt dissociated and it seemed like there were two me's - Iboga me and the other me. The other me was so weak that it seemed like the iboga side was occasionally directing me and telling me what to do and think. I lay in bed the whole day and could not eat at all. I could not sleep that night and was worried as we had to fly to bangkok the next day. I was scared as I could barely walk and only had like 6 hours before our flight the next morning. The ibogaine seemed to leave my system very very slowly. Shea got this amazing old woman from the village to give me the most exquisite Thai massage I have ever experienced. It seemed like she built me up muscle by muscle, squeezing kneading and flexing my limbs in an impressive show of craftsmanship. At some point when she hoisted me on her back something 'popped' and it felt like a great deal of sadness was let go. I did not sleep that night. I felt a bit spaced and edgy the next morning but was surprisingly quite calm and relaxed despite having not slept 48 hours. Flying was hard. I was spaced but able to walk. It was a short flight - no big deal really. I looked at all the trashy package tourists with their fat bodies, tattoos and smirky faces and I felt sick to look at them.

However it was a relief to get away from the centre and be in Bangkok. The creepy alien vibes were not there but I was still sad. I looked at the sleaze and bustle of Bangkok and it disgusted me to my marrow. Zingdoozer and me went to see a doctor in Bangkok to get some Valium that evening as I was sure I would not be able to sleep that night too. Shea was very supportive on the phone and said benzodiazepines were the only sedatives recommended on ibogaine. I've never slept so blissfully as I slept that night. I woke up the next day feeling amazing. Still shaken but very relaxed and content. I was able to appreciate the bustle and even the sleaze of Bangkok and enjoy the food. Me and Zing  had a rocking couple of days in Bangkok before continuing with our holiday.


My realisations:

I will grow old and die. I need to factor this into my life and plan for it. I can't forever go on partying like there's no tomorrow and pretending that I'm 25

I harbour a lot of deep pain that I was repressing and have now let go. It will be good to see how this works out in therapy when I explore it.

I poison myself with worry, I need to pursue the spiritual path of actualism and advaita that gets me beyond the egoic existential terror that I am locked in. I need to do this in earnest and with pure intent. I'm aiming to penetrate the messy business of ego entanglement and get absolute or relative freedom from it.
 
That I am not a special little flower. I've been shoring up my ego with a variety of defences. I'm part of the stream of life. Knowing this I must just do what I have to do as a man in this world. Classic insight from the Gita made all too real.

I will exercise moderation in my eating, eat healthier and less 'heavy' foods, exercise and lose weight. I will use my intuition regarding this.
 
I have a lot of little defences and resistances that arise from fear. I need to let go of resistance and become a more open human being. The body armour has been shattered.

Any spiritual awakening in which the I 'own' the awakening in any form is a lie and a trap. The iboga totally tooled me on this, showed me how subtly the ego clings, even this exercise of writing this down is a form of ego staking its claim. But I need a map for now prior to enlightenment! I felt the release of a koan being solved here

I can't eliminate laptop and ipad use but I need to reduce it. It is an addiction in a certain way all things considered.

Lastly, fundamentally I experienced ibogaine as a unique substance, but a substance nevertheless. An entheogen perhaps. I don't want to cheapen it by calling it a drug. Everybody's Iboga experience is radically different with some commonalities. It gives you what you need and not what you want. The iboga spoke to me in my language. It definitely did have a 'personality' though. One of a hard and dark trickster. Perhaps stronger than the 'personalities' of other  drugs I have encountered. If I was going to be crass I'd say a hybrid of ketamine and salvia divinorum plus some magical ingredient x!


8
Introductions / Re: First flood in 2 weeks
« on: August 17, 2013, 07:53:04 AM »
and we had ours at koh samui and not koh phangan

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Introductions / Re: First flood in 2 weeks
« on: August 17, 2013, 07:52:30 AM »
No it was actually this site: http://www.ibogaineasia.com

From what I gather it is a fair bit cheaper than kho phangan. Other than that I have no experience at all with the colloidal mineral people. One of our nurses used to work at their centre. Some pro's and cons which I will happy to answer in pm. All in all a good experience.

I will post a report up!

10
General Discussion / Re: Preparation for first flood
« on: July 31, 2013, 05:36:37 PM »
Haha. Yes thanks, I guess I am. I spoke to Michael - one of the directors and therapists there and he seemed to echo what you are saying. Said he even got on his scooter the day after his session, wouldn't recommend it to anyone else though!

11
General Discussion / Re: Preparation for first flood
« on: July 29, 2013, 05:27:59 AM »
I'm a little bit concerned re: post Ibo spaced-outness and visuals. I'll have about 2 weeks after to recoup on holiday but after that I need to get back into a work and study schedule. I can handle mild tracers but I want to be functional and not spaced or unable to work. What are your ideas on this?

12
General Discussion / Re: Preparation for first flood
« on: July 27, 2013, 09:13:26 PM »
Thanks Entheo this is wise advice and sounds spot on. I'll do as you say.

13
General Discussion / Preparation for first flood
« on: July 27, 2013, 05:59:24 PM »
Good to be here all! I will be doing my first flood in Thailand with Zingdoozer 2 weeks from now. I was wondering with what preparation I should enter this trip with (I'm not detoxing off anything - except maybe some negative emotions!)

I've heard some contradictory advice. Some have said to write down meticulously what you want out of the trip. All the answers will be provided. Others have said that the experience will be unlike anything I have experienced before - go in with an open mind. Some have said a diet is important and others - that a diet is immaterial. What state of mind should I enter this in? Is openness more important than intent?

I was wondering if you guys had any advice for preparation of this trip. My ideas are to write a few questions down that I would like answered and meditate on these. Then during the trip whatever gets thrown up I'll roll with it. If the questions become irrelevant then so be it. Maybe take a pad, a voice recorder and a pen for preparation. I will be doing some healing work with one of the guys at the centre - he's a spiritual healer of some sort who well work to align / cleanse me before the practise and do some work after.

14
Introductions / First flood in 2 weeks
« on: July 27, 2013, 05:50:22 PM »
Hi all. I'm off to Thailand in 2 weeks time to do my first flood with Ibogaine Thailand. I don't do drugs - well not to a point of dependence anyway. This will be for exploration and to see if I can obtain some answers, improve my well-being, get in touch with something bigger than myself and so on.

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