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Messages - Paradoxical

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Eboka Journals / Re: Finally flooded, more questions then answers
« on: December 14, 2014, 12:25:41 PM »
I'd rather not say the name of the center, because they didn't condone it. That was just me making exscuses. There was one person working there who was clean for 11 months who had drank pretty heavy he said his first month after the treatment. And he seemed to be doing good after 11 months. So I made that into its ok to drink. the place i went was 'incomplete' is the best description. But they were wonderful people who I know just want to help and are trying to find their way to do that.

I can imagine that the two opposing energies would be overpowering lala. One of my insights has been that I need ayahuasca to help clearing some energetic blocks I just can't find the way past. Although during the LSD trip .I could feel it clearing a lot. I have this 1 maybe 2 that I couldnt get through. And kept thinkin ayahuasca. What's a safe amount of time to wait in between the 2? 3-6 months? Then another flood in a year? If I still feel I need it that is. I was also wondering about microdosing, how long would I need to stop before ayahuasca? And I know I probably won't get any positive feedback from this, but still need to say something about it. I've taken kratom 3 times since my flood, justifying it by saying its natural, that I've been on just kratom in the past and detoxed without any discomfort, and well I've felt like I'm basically 2 weeks into detox since my flood. So haven't felt too great, or too bad though. Am I being a dumbass with the kratom?

Thank you.

Eboka Journals / Re: Finally flooded, more questions then answers
« on: December 13, 2014, 05:03:13 PM »
Thanks for all the feedback. It's very much appreciated.

Ya. I realize now the coke and alcohol was a terrible idea. At the center I was basically told that I could drink. And I took some LSD a few nights ago also. And it was quite an experience. Im not really comfortable talking about it yet, unless anyone wants to message me. But it took away a lot of those questions and showed me the one question I need to keep asking. It feels like it helped with a lot of energetic blockages. I'm quite aware Im still far from where I need and want to be though. And I'm going to do everything in my power to keep that momentum going.

Thanks again.

Micro-Dosing / Re: Plan on making a tincture
« on: December 11, 2014, 12:09:18 PM »
Cool I really appreciate the advice. What would be a good dose to start at with the TA extract? And I've heard bad things about the ibogaworld rb microdosing... Was worried about that. Only option I can figure out where I'm at..

Micro-Dosing / Plan on making a tincture
« on: December 10, 2014, 01:35:43 PM »
Unless theres a reputable vendor that sells one that anyone would recommend. Gonna use it for microdosing. Have a few questions. How do I know the strength out of it? And what as the benefits of making it with say a root bark or TA extract? Thanks in advance!

Eboka Journals / Re: Finally flooded, more questions then answers
« on: December 10, 2014, 01:27:34 PM »
Thanks for the reply. I feel pretty good, mentally. More positive then normal. But I still do feel "dope sick" in a lot of ways. In particular that painful deep bone chill, anxiety, restless, and the no sleep has really sucked. I drank the day I got out of the treatment center to calm my nerves for the flight home. Alcohols never been a real problem though. I drank yesterday too, and actually did a little coke. Which Im a little let down about, but not all that much. I domt thimk I should do that again though. And I've been smoking herb. But I didn't go into this wanting to be completely sober. Opiates are what completely ruin me. I need to never touch them again, and don't think I will. Although I have been taking small doses of kratom because of how much residual withdraw I've had. Which I worry about since they tickle some opiod receptors.

I want to work more with then plant medicine. I know I have lots of work to do. I plan on going to Peru to drink ayahuasca and goto Costa Rica to take ibogaine  at Iboga House. How long should I wait to take another flood dose? And I plan on micro dosing until then.

Eboka Journals / Finally flooded, more questions then answers
« on: December 07, 2014, 12:59:14 PM »
Hello everyone. So I flooded at a treatment center in Mexico Thursday night. 27 male, 160 lbs, dosed with HcL at 19mg/kilo. The trip was honestly more of an unanswering mind fuck then anything else. I'm hoping that within a couple days I can sleep again, and I clear up and get this glow.

My thoughts seem to be even more scrambled then usual since my experience so please bear with me. I dosed around 6pm Thursday night. Medical facility, hooked up to an IV, EKG, etc. Dose was broken into a test dose then 4 main doses which were spaced 20 minutes apart. This last relapse lasted around 3 months. On Thanksgiving I overdosed on heroin, was marchman acted and involuntarily placed in detox. Which I got out of Monday morning and flew here. There were plans and a flight purchased for treatment before my overdose.

I arrived in Mexico and they put me on 2mg xanax a night and 80-120mg oxycodone a day for the first 2 days. Which I'm not gonna say no to. I'm a drug addict. Took my last 40mg oxy and xanax dose ~7pm Wednesday night. And started eating ibogaine around 24 hours later. After my 3rd dose it started coming on heavy. The feeling on energy coursing up and down my spine. Listening to some music. And here's what I can remember.

Let me say that problems with confidence, social skills, depression, mental/physical bad habits in general, were just as big of a deciding factor in deciding to flood as my opiate addiction. So I started to get some very minimal visuals after awhile. And my thoughts started turning into these layers of epiphanies. Which were very vague instead of clear. Some of which made sense, a lot which were completely nonsensical. I remember thinking about how duality kept being represented. After awhile of this I started getting closed eye visuals kind of a mixture between high dose psilocybin and DMT. It was beautiful. This was the best part of the experience. I think this lasted 4 hrs or so. I remember feeling like I needed to go deeper. That I robbed myself of the full experience because of setting and dose. Also that this is more or less what I expected from a treatment that was under 3 grand in Mexico. I at one point felt some entity try and pull me out of my 3rd eye but to no avail. Towards the end of my visionary experience I really wanted the IV out and the EKG off. Once it was off it was around 2-3am, and this is where the trip turned unpleasant.

All the thoughts going on were so incoherent. I'll try my best to piece them together. There were a lot of just completely random thoughts in my head. Nonsensical. I started to get this feeling of anxiety and fear. Spent a lot of time incoherently thinking about illuminati type things. I remember for an hr or so thinking how North Korea and Hungary were going to take over the world. Paranoia type feelings. Minimal close eye visuals, but they were still there. Still this feeling of all these ahha epiphanies right there that were hard to hold onto to. Around 8am or so I felt well enough to get up and smoke a cigarette and drink a smoothie. I felt so drained exhausted and depressed.

The following day just embodied the term grey day. I felt so heavy and grey and melancholy. It was introspective, but still not in a very productive way. This is an issue I deal with as well, it seems most people have thoughts, ideas, etc, constantly swirling around there head. My head just seems blank a lot of the time. Heavy on feelings, but hard to articulate. A lot of this day was spent just laying there, staring at the wall, feeling like shit. My mind felt scrambled.

I slept 4 hrs or so that night. Weird sexually oriented dreams. Like really weird. The next day I felt a million times better, but restless as hell. Which was different then, but definitely reminded me of withdrawal. Which made me think of how opiates would make it go away. So basically cravings. Here it is 9am the following day. Slept maybe 2-3 hrs last night. Feel worse today then yesterday.

It was a very intense experience all in all. I am glad I did it. I think it was a good meeting with a plant medicine that I may need to do a lot of work with. I'm already thinking of my next flood, which I want to be higher dose and full range of alkaloids. Also thinking and researching a lot about microdosing. I was hoping I'd have a better idea of what to do at this point in my life. And that I'd feel more positive after this experience. It definitely felt incomplete.

Also I don't feel any real intuition telling me to eat/think/make better decisions. I'm wondering where I should go as far as life and how to further work with this plant medicine.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this. Feels good to get it out of my head and onto the paper. Instead of asking a bunch of questions I'm gonna leave it open. Please let me know your thoughts, what you think I should do. If this experience is typical or atypical. Etc etc. Thank you!

Compost Pile / .
« on: December 07, 2014, 12:22:02 PM »

Compost Pile / moved to journals
« on: December 07, 2014, 12:01:01 PM »
And not sure how to delete. Sorry

Eboka Talk / Re: Introduction along with a couple questions
« on: October 25, 2014, 04:31:10 PM »
The places I've researched are - Iboga House, Genesis, Crossroads, Ibogaine University, I Begin Again, Iboga Life, Panagea, Safe Haven, and The Holistic Sanctuary to name a few.  I'm aware these are all pretty mainstream options because they're on the first few pages of Google for 'Ibogaine Treatment Centers'.  It seems like most except for Iboga House lack in spiritual aspects.  If anyone has any recommendations I would greatly appreciate it. 

What I'm shooting for now is an 8 day Iboga House treatment Nov 10th.  Moughenda will be gone, so one of his apprentices will  be performing the rituals.  Because of this is about half price. To qualify for this 8 day program I need to stay clean off of opiates for the 10 days leading up to this.  Which I worry about.  Of course I'll be honest with them about this though.  Hopefully this works out.  The longer I go without having a plan thats solid and I know I'm doing, the more I worry about not following through with any plan, and just putting it off, saying I'll do it when I get around to it.  So if anyone could give me some new places to research, or any information, I'd appreciate it very much.  Thank you.

Eboka Talk / Introduction along with a couple questions
« on: October 23, 2014, 06:00:33 AM »
Hello there folks.  I've known about Ibogaine for quite a few years, I'm a 27 year old male who has struggled with addiction for over a decade.  Bear with me as I try and articulate my thoughts in a sensible manner. 

Long story short, drug addict, crazy life, opiate addict from ~ 22 - present.  I have a fair amount of experience with psychedelics.  From 23-24 I was dealing with a drug lab in China and getting alot of MDMA, and there was a list of other drugs, mainly research chemicals, also LSD, Ketamine, and the like.  I rolled/tripped/did God knows what to my brain for a good year straight.  At the end of that year I had a spiritual experience which words can't begin to describe and which majorly changed and redefined my life. Over the past 3 years Ive been trying to pick up the pieces that I destroyed so thoroughly throughout my addiction.  I've studied Kundalini yoga with a well known Sikh. Came very close to undertaking a year long monk apprenticeship under the Trungpa lineage.  I've been trying to live a spiritual life which I have had no success integrating.  I always fall back further once I start to make it somewhere.  And the spirituality and my hope for happiness and a bearable life keeps slipping further every time.

I relapsed a few months ago, and this has cost me financially in ways I won't get into.  I've felt Ibogaine calling me for months before my relapse, and have been researching and planned on taking a flood dose at the end of my year when work was finished.  That's changed and I find it imperative to take this journey no later then the beginning of November. 

After considerable investigation, I narrowed it down to Iboga House and Genesis. I'm quite aware of all of the negative accusations and reviews of Iboga House.  They make me very apprehensive.  I'm drawn to the fact that it's a spiritual program done by a Bwiti shaman. I worry because some people speak negatively on the program and the shaman.  Yet there is enough positive feedback for me to feel just comfortable enough.  I am also very drawn to Iboga House because they give you multiple doses, of the full range of alkaloids.  I think that I'm going to need alot of work with this plant ally.  I'm a very spiritually sick person, beyond the addiction.  And it truly sickens me.  I just want to be happy healthy and able to give back instead of take.

At Genesis they use the HcL.  I worry I won't flood.  I feel like the HcL is ideal for addicts who want to treat their addiction.  You don't have to go as deep, the time frame isn't as long, it's easier on your body. It still resets the receptors and what not.  But if I'm going to do this, I want and need to go all the way.  So I'm stuck between where to go, although I'm currently leaning towards Genesis because of the price.  I'm able to pay for Iboga House, but honestly don't even feel like I'm worth it, and if it doesn't meet my expectations what then.  Which brings me to my next point.

I feel as if it will be best for me to go into this experience with as few expectations as possible, clear intentions, and an attitude of complete surrender.  Yet I'm having a hard time shaking expectations.  I feel as if this is my last shot at being able to figure out this life.  My mind has been a terrible place to live.  I have ups and down.  The downs are much more frequent and unbearable.  I live in a constant stream of negative self talk, conscious and unconscious.  And I can't shake this or figure out how to reprogram it even when I'm doing good.  Good for me is pale in comparison of any normal human being.  I worry that if given a chance to leave the mortal shell, I would choose to go.  I wouldn't call myself suicidal per se, but I've been so tired and felt so hopeless for so long that I've openly welcomed the thought of being reunited with source for quite some time.  I truly worry about all the karmic debts I've accumulated this lifetime.

I'm humbly seeking any advice any of you amazing people may have for me. I would love to hear any and all ideas information or insight.  Thank you in advance.   

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