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Messages - skinny

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256
Eboka Talk / Re: iboga / ayahuasca
« on: November 21, 2010, 01:14:57 AM »
I wondered this too and I only got some comments about it from a iboga provider in Amsterdam.  Apparently DMT is legal over there and this one guy from the chatroom said he recommends aya first and a week later iboga.  That's all I got but I'd like to know more details from experienced trippers. 

skinny

257
Introductions / Re: 6 months after iboga TA treatment
« on: August 25, 2010, 02:00:08 PM »
Hi sorry I couldn't update, I'm still trying to get back to my goal of getting a job that gives me independence from living off someone else.  I'm out of FL and decided to make some money in New York City thinking I would last until the end of July.  I moved back in with my ex the same one that I dragged to iboga treatment.  It ended with me being kicked out and some of the same codependency issues came up again. 

During this time I have been in fellowship with a lay organization of buddists called the SGI which teaches that everyone has a buddha nature within, but by chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo you activate it to cause a human revolution and change yourself to access the forces of the universe and achieve enlightenment/happiness.  It is basically a humanistic religion that it is up to yourself to take responsibility to find purpose in your life.  It has some great social benefits like home meetings, youth events, culture center, and genuinely good people who try to encourage you to chant so you can figure out how to overcome your obstacles.

So far I think the organization is good, but has a bit of a cult of personality of the President Ikeda.  But it has something in common with prayer (except you aren't asking a deity for favors), mantras (Tony Robbins), the Secret, the placebo effect.  I'm sticking with chanting as a mental discipline.

I've been chanting to stay in NYC because the job prospects here are much better.  I got a bike and can get exercise, use the Metro to get around (no car needed whew!), and I get to meet interesting people often.  After getting kicked out I did meet another lady off the street that's non-dramatic and is helping me make it providing shelter for some rent.

Best of all I'm not depressed, not addicted to the internet like I was.  I'm making money doing the same old thing but been able to make some connection to do manual labor - restoring a old yacht.  So I'm in much a better place than I was before.  Happier but still frustrated that I haven't got a tech support job - although I did have one interview!

I know I need to get some certifications under my belt like Network +, MCITP, CCNA but haven't gotten a job that give me an idea with path to take.

I did meet up with Demitri and wanted to a psycho-spiritual session with him but couldn't come up with the money for it.  I'm going to to do it alone or with someone in NYC that wants to sit and vice versa.  So anyone here that wants to please contact me privately.  I wish IbogaWorld was around last year, but I'm chanting I'll come up with the money soon to get a order.

Also I am thinking of taking modanifil (Provigil) to get me starting on my certs but wondered if an iboga session and chanting as a mental discipline would be the key.  Anyone try this or had iboga give them mental clarity and drive?

Check out this experience report with provigil: http://www.johannhari.com/2008/05/06/my-experiment-with-smart-drugs

thanks,
skinny




258
Introductions / Re: 6 months after iboga TA treatment
« on: May 26, 2010, 10:27:30 AM »
Hi,

I'm making some headway on my next treatment options, but found this interesting article that could explain so called internet addiction.  (I seriously can spend hours on Wikipedia)

Check this out:  'Thirst for knowledge' may be opium craving

Things that make you wanna go hmmm. :)

skinny

259
Introductions / Re: 6 months after iboga TA treatment
« on: May 17, 2010, 01:26:03 AM »
Thanks to all that responded, goatboy too, don't fret time to focus on yourself.  I got enough help.  I'm going to take a break this week, be back another time.

260
Introductions / Re: 6 months after iboga TA treatment
« on: May 16, 2010, 04:03:31 PM »
Wow my original post had a lot of spelling errors and was a bit incoherent but I didn't intend on writing an autobiography. ;)  It was a struggle to get it down but I had to because I'm feeling very stuck. 

Some other random things I wanted to mention:  Irritable Bowel Syndrome is functional disorder of the brain-gut as it is thought to be.  It affects 1/10 americans in their lifetime and it takes a number of tests to rule out inflammatory diseases, food allergies, physical disorders.   This Scientific American article How the Gut's "Second Brain" Influences Mood and Well-Being is a good overview on the complexity of the enteric nervous system.  95% of your serotonin receptors are in your gut!  Many people I know got relief or remission by hypnotherapy, but I tried a CD series by a well-respected GI therapist but it didn't help.  OK not to go off on tangents, but two weeks before I headed out to my first iboga therapy my symptoms of IBS (constipation, pain, discomfort) along with annoying all around muscle twitching came back.  I don't know why it came back.  I suspect it was the stress of trying to work out the trip with my gf and taking a supplement 5-HTP which affects your serotonin brought it back.  Shit well I thought I had to buy my expensive supplements again, but I was taking iboga so I didn't want to complicate things.

During my iboga trip, my muscle twitching completely subsided and days afterward my gut normalized.  Although I was still constipated for a few more days I felt that somehow the iboga normalized my neurotransmitters and receptors.  Anecdotal evidence?  Yes but considering how many people suffer from this disorder made me wonder if iboga could be an effective treatment for IBS.  So far I only read one other report that mentioned iboga subsiding ones IBS.  Of course more scientific testing is needed, but I thought this could lead into something.  This was the most dramatic effect of my iboga therapy.

The only thing I'm taking now is just supplements - multi, berry complex, CoQ10, fish oil, and eat a healthy diet but have sweet cravings as my only vice.  I had some minor problems with stress and my gut acting again, but I took pregnenolone which costs under $10 a bottle.  It was part of my expensive brain nutrient formula that I took when I had my first remission.  Seems to work.  It helps with mood and depression.

fallout:  I'm trying to get those certs.  A+, Network+, MCTIP or CCNA because I won't need to go into debt to have a career again.  I got help from the unemployment office that has a program to grant money for those who have a degree but unemployed or underemployed.  After not knowing what to do for some months after job rejections, I figured I need to go back to school.  I've never looked for a gov't handout but since everyone from the top of the food chain is doing it, I have to do it too.  I'm very financially strapped so the most feasible way for me to prove myself is too pass those exams and have it on my resume.  The biggest problem will be getting an entry-level position.  But I'm not worried about that, I just need the concentration and self-discipline to study my brain off and pass.  This will boost my self-esteem and confidence.

GratefulDad:  I'll have to ask Sara how much TA she gave me.  She said she gave me a normal dose.  I felt it wasn't strong enough, but that's just from what my visions where like.  I don't know if a higher dose corresponds to more mindblowing visions.  I'll check out the chat room as I am better communicating chat/phone.  BTW if you are the same guy HH on the email list, you're a good writer and very helpful.  Consider yourself lucky to have tried and access many drugs.  I envy you. ;)  Seriously between you and that Neurosoup girl on youtube you seem to have a lot of good connections and experience with lots of different drugs.

This weekend I didn't do any of my CBT courses, so I'm going to do another internet fast Monday through Friday night.  My last fast went ok.  I didn't read any blogs or websites.  Just stuff pertaining to computer technology and email.  Still I wasn't very focused and had an itching desire to the news.  I only lapsed three times for a few minutes.

When I was younger I had a flight or flight panic when it came to studying which motivated me to isolate myself and study or pull all-nighters for exams.  I rarely did this from home since music, napping, and just relaxing would be a distraction.  So somehow I lost that drive and am thinking of a DIY at home session so that I can break this cognitive dissonance that I can't study at home.  The internet is a huge distraction but I don't know how to put my curiosity in the background of my mind and keep important stuff in the foreground.  I'm hoping iboga can help.

Although I had some difficult experiences in life, I feel lucky considering where I am now.

261
Introductions / 6 months after iboga TA treatment
« on: May 15, 2010, 04:57:30 AM »
Hi,

After doing much research on ibogaine I decided it was the thing to do in my lifetime.  I've been fascinated by psychedelics ever since reading Timothy Leary's autobiography Flashbacks, anecdotal reports of life changing experiences, and the many trip reports I read on Erowid.  I'm turning 35 this summer and ever since 21 finding treatment in the right set, setting, and obtaining it has always been very elusive for me.

Sorry for the long life story but it will tie in to my experience.   You can skim this part...

When I was young I was a bright kid.  I don't remember reading that much as a kid but by first grade I was ahead in the class learning vocabulary words faster than anyone else.  During elementary school I was place in gifted class and did well in school.  By third grade I was reading a book every day and returning it to the library.  My childhood was fairly normal, but as I got to high school I was extremely shy.  Religion took a huge role in my life since I grew up in a pentacostal christian background.  By the time I hit puberty I was going through a religious crisis and became a typical "on fire" teenager reading the bible, prosletyzing to friends and with street teams, speaking in tongues, etc.  I excelled in math and science but reading comprehension was a struggle for me.  I ended up getting good grades in high school.  I was pretty much repressed sexually because of my christian morals (lust was as equivalent to adultery) so I was pious, yet I was curious in learning, debating, and defending my faith.  I was the geek in high school and not very sociable although I did have friends.  To this day one of my best friends suggested that I have Aspergers Sydrome.  I've never been diagnosed but I guess I have a mild form of it.

Family background:   My dad was the type of man that suffered from migraine headaches all his life.  He was cantankerous, had an angry temper, and was very pious.  My mother was extremely submissive and took his verbal abuse.  I would always feel uncomfortable around him with because he was always belittling us and my brothers.  I'd say that now that I'm older he was a good father in that he took care of our physical needs considering the economic situation he grew up in.  He was abusive in our emotional needs - very passive aggressive, talking us down in front of relatives and people, blaming the devil for our misdeeds and telling us to pray and read the bible all the time.  But now at my age I see it as a symptom of the the negative effects of christianity and possibly his abusive father and all the grudges he carried over the years from getting screwed over, failed businesses, regrets in life. 

I don't know much about his life other than what he shared with me.  Growing up my grandmother used to tell me stories how as a kid he had to work to support his family.  My dad's side of the family were poor immigrants from Ukraine and lived in a farm in south america.  My dad was a go-getter , so he learned to be a business man.  He's very shrewd and sort of like a cross of Uncle Scrooge and Archie Bunker always talking about money and how many deals he got.  He immigrated here after a failed jewelry business and worked at home as a watchmaker.  My mother was a home maker and nanny.  Overall my brothers and I had a good upbringing in that opportunities for education and acheiving the American Dream, but all of us have had a hard time with my dad.  My older brother seems the most affected by him because he tried to be close to my dad emotionally and ended up being the most messed up by it.  I think he's always felt entitled to have things provided to him by my dad while my younger brother and I just asked my dad for help at the last resort.

Growing up I had been sheltered from the outside world no watching movies, not doing much extracurricular stuff other than service organization clubs and playing outside with neighborhood kids.  Since religion was a huge part of our lives, church and church activities were mostly my social life.  By the time I graduated high school, I was ready to escape living with my parents.  My dad always pressured us to make money, work hard, not have fun and games.  But I felt emotionally abused so I had to leave at all costs.

I ended going out of home to live on campus and study for computer engineering.  My motivation was high because I knew that in order to succeed in life I had to make my own money and not be dependent on my father.  My younger brother and I felt the same way.  We both avoided confrontation with father and tended to be absorbed in school and computers.  College life was a bit of a culture shock because I was out of my christian shell.  I didn't party or do the typical wild stuff college kids do, but I spent my most of my time studying for class.  My leisure time was spending time listening to lots of music, reading newsgroups on religion, christian debate, philosophical issues, and watching movies.  Talking to girls didn't cross my mind much because of religious conflicts.

I studied hard until my junior year when I had a crisis of faith.  I ended up losing my faith in christianity and this led to a big depression.  All my family and relatives were christian so coming out of the closet could have a big ostracizing impact on me.  My dad could cut funds to college, I could no longer fake being a christian.  Well I did eventually come out to my family which caused a lot of problems.  I became more interested in defending my views because of the constant religious pressure to conform, so my grades suffered and I dropped out.  I stayed with my family for a semester until deciding that I better suck it up and finish or else I won't get anywhere in life.

So in 98 I did although I felt I barely made it but it was a good time in the job market with the dot com boom.  So during this time my interests widely ranged from: life extension, health, nutrition, juicing, fasting, philosophy, debating, freethought activism, music...but no sex, drugs, partying.  All my interests made it difficult for me to concentrate on my field.  It was like either I had to be a total geek in engineering or have a well rounded life with other interests.  I chose to not be a total geek considering that after graduating I was lonely for the first time in my life.  Never went out on dates, never had the social development to develop something other than an android personality.

I had three good years in my field, but I felt I was missing out in life.  My first experience with drugs were noortropics or so-called smart drugs.  I was always looking for ways to upgrade my brain, concentration, mental processing so I could be competent at work but also be a socially developed person.  It wasn't until one of my co-workers told me his drug experiences with LSD and pot that it intrigued me to try them.  I was most interested in acid since my friend said he could see the internal processes of his mind and understand logic better.  (See Wired article LSD the geek's wonder drug for more anecdotes).  He was an excellent programmer that it came to him naturally.  I was curious if this could help me get through my mental blocks and be a smarter person.  This would help me have a social life since work was very brute force for me.

Well I didn't dabble much at all but a couple years later I did try pot and eventually learned how to use it correctly.  It was helpful in toning down my geek nature and a social lubricant.  Alcohol didn't do much for me.  Other drugs never had an appeal but the hallucinogens did because of the some of the most successful businessmen and academics like Leary had life changing experiences.

After the dot com crash, I was laid off twice  During this time I had a hard time getting jobs mainly because I wasn't a good bullshitter in the corporate world.  I was a very honest and meek person that didn't talk the game to get the job.  Well eventually after 6 months I hit another crisis and got afflicted with a condition called Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  This devastated my life.  No job, feeling shitty, lost most of my savings, and dreaded moving back with my parents.  But I had to, and this lead to years of my life of misery.   My IBS was bad where I couldn't concentrate on job hunting, going back to school, or even having a normal social life.  My mid 20s I spent most of my time figuring out what the heck was wrong with me.  Fortunately with the internet there were support groups, message boards, better ways to dealing with an incurable condition that doctors had little clues what caused it.

My dad during this time blamed me turning away from christianity and got constant criticism how he wasted money by sending me to college.  At this time I was an out atheist and spent time supporting lots of humanist groups, but I could no longer have a normal life.  I was a prisoner to my own bowels!  I read stories of how people messed up their lives with drugs, but I was messed up internally.  Always in discomfort and it was always in the foreground of my mind.  So most of my 20s was spent on low wage jobs, trying self-employment...trying to get ahead but I never recovered and got a good paying job again.  It was a huge blow to my self-esteem, ego.

Well by lots of trial and error I eventually went into remission by dumb luck.  I tried a brain nutrient formula (acetyl-l-cartinine arginate, rhodiola rosea, et. al) and within a week was having normal bowel movements.   I got my life back!  During this time I was taking some business classes going back to school, but all the years of IBS left me with mental baggage.  I spent most of my time on the internet and with music living recluse.  I smoked pot off and on and it helped with being a socially fun guy.

Later on I started developing sexually.  I was interested in sex, girls, guys.  I ended up liking guys although I was mostly straight (10% gay on the Kinsey scale).  I met a bipolar stripper girl at a gay bar and from there I eventually went into the sex industry.  Long story short:  I worked in stripping, escorting, bdsm, activism.  During this time I did a lot of studying politics, economics, new world order

I was always interested in truth, freedom, fighting for liberties, being a freethinker.  Too much to say about this but I guess I had a messiah complex developed over the years from the people who I saw as heroes:  Charles Darwin, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, Carl Sagan, Bill Faloon from Life Extension Foundation, Ron Paul, and too many more to mention.

By the time I was interested in ibogaine, I was living in NYC living in an open relationship with a girl.  I was trying to get out of the sex industry but the economy was such in bad shape and my career in IT was gone, that I needed a life changing experience to have a stable good paying career again.  But all my life experiences dragged me down into a rut.

What intruged me most about ibogaine was the whole 30 years of therapy in 3 days, declutting your mind, removal of emotional blockage, etc.

After much research I ended up contacting Sara Glatt who invited me to come to her house, so with all the good things I read about her it was the perfect opportunity.  The girl that I was living with eventually developed a bad coke habit on top of the adderall she was taking, so I sponsored her whole trip by spending a good chunk of my life savings on the both of us.

OK enough of all that, my ibogaine experience:

Expectations:  Tried to not expect any particular outcome, but I was obsessed about having a big life change.  I hoped it would defrag my brain much like a computer and I could gain a drive again to go back to school.

Health:  I was smoking a lot of pot, depressed because my life savings was almost gone during this Great Recession.  I had a bad breakup with an activist girl who was bipolar and flipped on me so I went through a turbulent time bouncing with the girl in NYC, stressed out of my mind because didn't have a place to stay.  I was skinny not eating much but in pretty good physical health.  I didn't know what to do with my life.  Two weeks before going to Saras, my IBS came back like it did the first time.  Awful!

Test dose:  Felt woozy and started getting emotional.

Flood dose:  My visions weren't spectacular but I did see landscapes, people faces, tapestries, morphing faces, children walking by.  Interesting auditory droning sound in left ear and a high pitched tinking sound in right ear.  No vomiting.  I felt pretty good during the visions waves of energy flowing down to body.  It looked like I could see with my eyes closed (x-ray vision) - saw outlines of objects in room.

Introspective phase: Was mostly thinking how my dad treated me all my life and whether it had an effect on my subconscious.  I knew I needed to go back to my family and end the relationship with the girl from NYC.  I was addicted to her even after it was all over.  She was charming but we were both using each other to get by in life.

Overall impression was that the iboga experience helped me separate me from her and go back to live with family.  We didn't talk for months but she eventually got her job back as a nurse.  I think she quit her substance abuse because she was already at wits end, but the whole time after iboga she was a total bitch and blamed me for dragging her out to Amsterdam.  I spent all that money and it drained me.  We both still miss each other, but that's about it.

Back home with family, I've been job hunting but with this terrible economy I'm at my wits end again.  I had a couple interviews that looked promising but now I can't land a job not even manual work.  I've been so emotionally messed up after setback after setback.  I'm cash broke and all I have left is my life savings in precious metals which I don't want to touch.  My parents are supporting with food and shelter.  I went through a grieving process of loss of relationships, money, but now that is over I'm stuck in a rut.  So now I figured out that I need to study for computer certifications to get a job.  All my studying now is self-discipline.  Reading books, computer based training...but I realized I have a problem:

I have an internet/news addiction.  After going on a week long fast, I know that i have a problem that it like a drug addiction.  It's been there for years.  All I can think of is doing another iboga session or if feasible an MDMA session with a therapist, psylocibin/lsd...

but ideally i would like to find someone close by in FL to do a session because I think it would address the obsessive-compulsive behavior I have with the internet.  Before in engineering school I would isolate myself in the library or lab to study, but now I can't because I have to do it from home.  All my life I could never work from home.  I know there's an answer, a solution.   I feel with the worldwide economic crisis going on, there's not much time left and I need to get my focus and drive back.  I know it's going to be painful for sometime as I forsee a worldwide depression, but I have a lot of hope.  I just don't want to be perpetually unemployed.  I'm a big fan of Ron Paul and his ideas of limited government, ending the overseas empire, going back to sound money, ending the drug war, free markets...are all starting to penetrated the mainstream.  Rick Doblin's MAPS work getting out to mainstream gives me great hope as well   

Well it's been 3.5 hrs of writing and I'm drained.  Just wanted to share my experience.  I don't regret taking iboga but want to take it again.

I wanted to write a well written comprehensive ibogaine experience after I got a job, but it's been too long now and just had to get this out.  I'd be a lot happier if I had SOMETHING to do to make a little money, but feel free to ask questions or comment.

skinny

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