Author Topic: An attempt to sort out my experience  (Read 3282 times)

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Offline Bayv

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An attempt to sort out my experience
« on: May 05, 2012, 11:14:35 AM »
Here's my attempt to explain and sort out my experience with iboga. I apologize for any bad grammar etc..

   Having my own problems with my mind, and having heard that iboga could help out with them, I had manifested some root bark into my life. I had decided I would go through this now, since I had free time on my hands. I didn’t have a sitter (I know, quite stupid and irresponsible), but in the end it turned out to work out just fine that way. I had 25 grams of powdered root bark, and yoghurt and honey to eat it with. I started by taking a test dose, about 2 teaspoons. Not much happened, so 45 minutes later I took one and a half tablespoons. I put my headphones on to listen to bwiti music, and I kept listening on / off throughout the night.

   During the next hour I started to get high and dizzy, which was quite fun. I ate two more tablespoons. So approximate I had now eaten about 20 grams. I noticed that things were really starting to happen when the visuals kicked in. At first it was exciting. I was laying in a bunk bed, so when I looked up I saw the upper layer, which later on molded to feel like some kind of TV screen for the visuals. When I looked at it eyes open, swastika like pictures started to emerge from a distance, growing ominously. They scared me, and I didn’t want to let them grow, I was afraid to let them in. So I closed my eyes to see what I would see then. It was even worse. Almost instantly there was something lot more scary there. It was just vast darkness, but also a shape: a cross. It felt like falling into a canyon or something, like I was about to fall to the cross, like it was sucking me in. I remember thinking that this must be a gateway to iboga's world. I thought it was like a snakes mouth that some people report seeing while taking ayahuasca, a snakes mouth that you just have to enter. I was so afraid of it, it felt like it resembled fear itself. For some time I didn’t want to look at the things that I saw eyes open, nor what would happen if kept my eyes closed. So I kept blinking and looking around everywhere so no visual would have time to emerge. :D I knew I would have to face them sooner or later, which got me to regret taking the medicine. I felt like I had been stupidly brave to do this, like I had been stupid to think I would really want to go through it.. But it was too late now, I couldn’t take it back. So I decided to be brave. And then I suddenly got a feeling like I could be, like I had what it takes. So I let the visuals happen as they happened.

   With eyes open, some swastika like pictures came slowly from the distance, and grew to resemble some things, though I don’t remember what. I got used to them quite soon, when I noticed they didn’t hurt me, they just faded out quite soon. I also dealt with the bigger fear. I had a thought like the thing that I saw eyes closed resembled a gateway to the real experience that I was about to go through, knowing that when I dived in to it, I would be totally in ibogas hands. I decided to just do it, I closed my eyes determined to keep them closed and let the big boogeyman cross take me. When the cross began to grow larger and swallow me.. nothing happened. It lost it’s power. The fear of the previously super frightening gateway to hell seemed to just fade away. I congratulated myself for being courageous. Previously I couldn’t even think of the thing I saw without feeling its presence as a fully real dark entity, now it felt more like silly.

   At this point forward I lost my sense of time, like falling into a dream. Some time later tried to eat the rest of the root bark, but could only get down about a spoonful. Surprisingly I didn’t feel physically horrible at any point, I didn’t even think I was going to throw up. At some point it just happened though, like, “ok, now it’s time to get it out of your stomach.” I was expecting a vulgar puke-fest, but it turned out to be no big deal.

   The presence of iboga grew bigger and bigger all the time. At one point I realized it was beginning to really show me things in a form of episodes. The first one was just some man, I just saw random pictures of his life. Then it began to resemble a familiar face, and I think I thought “Is that my dad?!”, and something pushed a answer to my head, “Yes.” I’m not sure if it happened at the same episode, but iboga really changed my feelings about my father. Previously I didn’t like him at all, loathed him. Iboga made it turn around completely somehow, I just felt tremendous respect for him. I had some kind of knowingness that even though he has his flaws, he’s really great in some ways. One funny idea I got was of how different it must feel for him to live in his house than for me to live in it, like it’s like living in a dream come true. Your own house, wow.

    I had prepared a long list of questions I was hoping to get answers to. I read them a few times before the trip, and during it once or twice. I got answers for a few of them, but they came in a distant, non-convincing way. One question was “is zazen a good practise for me.” The answer began just as a form of thought, “yes.” I saw a picture of a green traffic light, and something pushed it bigger and more powerful, shouting “yes, YES” I got all the answers in this form. But the thing is, I didn’t feel them. I didn’t get a feeling of knowingness, no arguments for why it was so. So the answers left me unsettled, especially some that I sort of disagree with. I had sort of a weird feeling about the yes/no answers anyway.. I feel like I could do the same right now by just reading the question and then randomly saying yes or no, no matter how it feels. The difference is that iboga really pushed it with confidence, shouting it to me.

   Asking for guidance and truth, one of the first things that came up strongly was “I have low self-esteem.” This seemed obvious to me anyway, and I didn’t get any eye-opening lessons on that.

   About the deepest part of the journey.. I got stripped down. I had visions of being a naked baby soul, totally dependant on the exterior world.. but the world felt cold, mechanic, soulless, unloving. There was an image of being in a bluish cubic room, sensing that the whole surrounding world was mechanical. Around at the same times I got a short passing feeling of being totally alone in the world.

   Also I saw a picture of me, being a naked baby soul, pushing a button. I think this was after I felt like a dead mind in a mechanic world. The pushing of the button started something, I think my world began to come alive at that moment. I had a sense of being alive, even if it was at the minimum tier. I could push a button, I could affect the world. I was pleased.

   And there were some other pictures. All in all I sense they represented some sort of death and rebirth. Also it was really scary, but they were fears that I had already had, just amplified.

   At some point I went off to another, very disturbing realm. It has the same characterics as the cold mechanic reality, except this was more cartoon like. But it was lifeless cartoon. And it somehow resembled the spirit world, except that it wasn’t the real deal, it was just a concept of my rational mind. And it felt disgusting, I wanted to get out of it. It was like some sort of city made of stone that was located up in the could. There were some ideals of spirits or gods there. I was afraid that this was enlightenment, that this was the present moment: cold, lonely, unreal. I think there was a lesson there, something about how my rational mind fucks things up when it makes ideals of abstract things, like love and consciousness. It ended when a squeeking high noise began to ring, which got louder and louder, like it was trying to explode my head.

   There were some visions of thousands of monks dedicating their whole lives to meditating, which disturbed me. I  think meditation is good, and I want to practise it, but it's also really difficult for me. I have challenges being present and just being, because of an underlying resistance towards my life, or something. Perhaps that's why it's especially important for me. The image of the monks meditating their whole lives was unnerving, because I'm afraid of wasting my life, not getting to experience what life has to offer: love, excitement, adventure, fun, play, etcetra.

   Later on the world began feeling a lot more alive, more alive than it’s felt before. It was.. psychedelic. I saw more layers / dimensions of life visible, and they felt real. It was the spirit realm, in which I felt I’m never alone, because everything is always connected in spirit. Or something like that. It was very natural, but also futuristic.

   Then there was some visions of biology.. life curling up with itself, cuddling.. Baby plant and animal cells cuddling with their siblings. I felt like I was left an outsider of this, knowing that I wanted just that to my life.

   At the end iboga twisted my outlook of life, stating that the world is a magical and chaotic place.

   Overall, my memories of the experience are not too vivid and neither are the lessons. However, I am sensing that iboga has changed something inside me, and is still working with me, somehow. Next time I want to eat more to get a breakthrough, and I think I want the next time to be rather soon. Before that I will try changa, though. It will probably be about 6 weeks from now, as soon as I can without messing with the after effects of iboga.

   The day after was a lot more positive and very interesting for me, but I’ll write more about that later.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2012, 05:53:59 AM by Bayv »

Offline mo

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2012, 11:41:20 AM »
good work, it is  going well. the spirit is healing. thank you for sharing!
i wonder how it will be when you meet your father! the first conversation that you will have..
take care
in a universe like ours, to beings like us, the idea of a god dying can be quite liberating

Offline olio

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2012, 12:15:36 PM »
Thanks a lot for sharing brother, great avatar. Awesome that we both went through this at the same time.

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2012, 12:34:23 PM »
Great write up Bayv. Thanks for sharing with us! I love to read and learn about others' experiences. To see what is different and what is similar. It's exciting.

Thanks for your openness and honesty, it isn't always easy to share personal, even intimate details with 'the world' - but I think that most people who have profound sessions with iboga feel almost compelled to share their reflections and observations on it.

It is not easy, nor is it a play thing. Next time - if you do more I encourage you to have a sitter. I have more (iboga) experience than most of the people on this board, both personally (five floods) and hands on observation/participation in many different sessions with people from all walks of life. IF - and yes that's only 'if' - you need help, for any reason at all, you'd be too intoxicated to call for it.

I'm not picking on you man, but I have seen so many different and powerful reactions to this medicine - you can't be too careful. It does not have to be a nurse, just someone who knows what you are doing and can assist you if you need it. Mostly practical stuff, like shitting the bed (happened to me...sorry sitters  ;D) I mean I fucking shit the bed on one of those floods. It sure is funny but would not have been if I wasn't being looked after.

All I'm saying is that anything can happen, and you say you wish to go deeper, or take more on your next outing. Just trying to look out for your safety is all. Thanks again for a great journal - it's a nice addition our boards - and so are you!

Blessings, Cal
« Last Edit: May 05, 2012, 12:36:15 PM by Calaquendi »
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline Avendagold

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2012, 08:23:32 PM »
Thanks Bayv.  From one who is yet to feel a full flood, it's great having your experiences to draw from.
Be the change you want to see in the world

Offline Bayv

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2012, 05:51:30 AM »
Thanks for the comments!

   One important thing I forgot to mention: At the very end of the flood, having seen and felt some pretty profound stuff, I wondered if it was really real or just my imagination working at it's highest potential. Is the always connected spirit realm that I saw real? Or the way the world works, much too weird for us to intellectually understand, magical and chaotic? The answer was clear: there's exactly 50/50 chance that it was real, or that it was just my imagination. Oh well, it doesn't even matter that much to me right now.

   The next day after the flood was really something. When I started 'waking up' I felt fucking great. I remember thinking I've never felt this happy. I was giggly and euphoric. And I remember thinking how weird and great it was that everything that I had heard about iboga, was true. It lasted pretty much for the whole day. Everything had meaning, everything was bright, and I felt still partly connected to the spirit world. When I went running to nature (feeling physically great and energetic, despite not having slept or eaten in two days) I actually saw glimpses of the energies of trees, connecting with my spirit when I focused my attention on them. I don't know if  it was real or not, but I’m now actually quite interested in shamanism in its different forms, to be able to really connect with nature.

   I still had some strong ideas that were partly visions. One was about some mystical stone (or was it a bell, or something in between) existing in another dimension (spirit realm?) That stone/bell, when embraced, emanated endless love that exceeds everything. And it could be embraced from anywhere, anytime, if you just remembered it exists. An odd idea, now that I think about it. But at the time it didn't even seem like a new idea, it was something I thought I had heard before. And there was some person or entity talking about it, from whom I thought I had heard about it.

   I also got this really far out idea. It’s a bit difficult to grasp now, but then it made a lot of sense. It was about how somewhere in the distant future there are endless amounts of powerful souls just meditating on love and connectedness, blasting an vibration so powerful and high that it reaches even to our time, helping us in incredible ways. Or something like that.

   I feel the wood is still affecting me, but in very subtle ways. It's certainly bringing up some strong underlying stuff to be handled. That's probably tough love. I can now cope with the sadness, fear and loneliness, whatever shit my mind creates, and I’m not as resistant to it as I used to. I’m bigger than my demons.

   I feel compelled to be a little more honest with myself and others. I don’t want to pretend to be anything I’m not, at all. It'd feel like a sin. It's nice to be a human. I've got power, power to change things in my life, power to change the world. After feeling totally helpless and powerless in a meaningless world, this reality doesn't look that bad. I get to be a human being, and play and share this experience with other human beings.

I'm not picking on you man, but I have seen so many different and powerful reactions to this medicine - you can't be too careful. It does not have to be a nurse, just someone who knows what you are doing and can assist you if you need it.

Yeah, thanks for the suggestion, I'll certainly get a sitter next time. I'm already looking forward to it.

Peace

Offline mo

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2012, 06:45:49 AM »
that is awesome. you sound rationally unsure about the reality of the ideas. well, you will find, i am sure, that your experiences will return in a consistent way. and eventually their truth will become self evident. it's like - you 'know' the sun exists because you see it every day - it is an experienced reality.
and that is how i experience my walk into the spirit world - an experience of a coherent magical reality!
what you went through i understand - imho - as an awesome initiation into the spirit world.
isn't that absolutely wonderful?! congratulations! i'm so happy for and with you!
let me also say that we are warriors. there is challenges waiting for us, we are being woken up for the task at hand.
as i said - all IMHO .. :)
anyways, good to read what you share!
in a universe like ours, to beings like us, the idea of a god dying can be quite liberating

Offline olio

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Re: An attempt to sort out my experience
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2012, 01:56:18 AM »

let me also say that we are warriors. there is challenges waiting for us, we are being woken up for the task at hand.

That's the message I got too, initiation, preparation for a task that we've always been preparing for. Our duty.