Author Topic: (Long)...Lost  (Read 7297 times)

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Offline Calaquendi

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(Long)...Lost
« on: June 26, 2012, 05:10:16 PM »
I have not been a very good administrator lately...I have not kept up with the boards as I used to. I feel shitty about this, but also feel like there is an invisible 'presence' or 'thing' which precludes me from even logging in sometimes.

And it isn't just here. It translates to my daily life and all of my affairs. I'm creeping back down into hermitdom and the only thing I can honestly say about it is that there is some abject fear in me/about me that I cannot quite grasp. It comes to me in fits and starts, it has been a haunting and terrible way to live to for the last few months, and it is not getting better...

I have long wanted to post things like this, and have done so in the past. But my being the admin here, I always kind of felt it is my duty to be strong and welcome the newcomers and focus only on the 'light'. I do not mean to be egocentric about this, it really does not fit that model, I only ever wanted to project a healthy and strong vibe - but I would be being dishonest with myself and everyone here if I posted anything else. I can welcome the new folks, and I can respond to threads with the cleanest and clearest advice appropriate to the topic, but for some reason I cannot seem to get a handle on this nameless fear that looms over me like a thundercloud. It is an impending doom that I cannot shake off.

I have taken a hiatus from psychedelics as the last few times I engaged them, even for fun, have had a tinge of ultimate terror just behind the curtain, and I would be asking for an epic fail if I tried to bust through this with a handful of mushrooms or Ayahuasca.

It is - of all things - a spiritual crisis. I cannot otherwise fathom where an abject and irrational fear would manifest itself with such vigor. I am the prodigal son perennially on the fence where it comes to my beliefs. I do not know what I believe right now, or if I could handle the 'truth' if I saw it.

This is very hard for me to discuss openly, but where else should I take this? I have helped build a home here and I would be remiss if I did not have the integrity to be honest here of all places.

Last year I embarked on a series of what I will call 'apprenticeships' - working hands-on with iboga/ibogaine. I was in a healthy place to do this, or I would never have considered it. This medicine, and in especial the work with others, is never to be taken lightly. I learned so very much, and had formulated loose plans to work with providers, but some of them fell through and some were ushered on to the back burner for other personal reasons. Should it ever happen that I find myself doing the work full time, I would not remain an admin here, only a founding member as this to me would represent a conflict of interests and would make Eboka.info look like something it is not or will ever be: a business.

I am currently free falling in stagnant weirdness, and I am having a real hard time even coping with daily life. I ask myself, "what do you want?" and I cannot even answer this question...I just can't. What the fuck is happening to me?

Can a man sustain a war against himself - could he ever be victorious? I have used iboga and ibogaine with great success - but I have fallen many times also. I weary of the cycle...

I will not air all of my dirty laundry in this thread, but I am as human as anyone else and have made my mistakes. I live with heavy guilt and shame about deeds past, and about my directionless and uncertain place in the future. I have no clear vision of my future, no 'truth' other than this fear which plagues me.

I am embarrassed to come out with this, but trust is at the heart of this issue and I think that breaking the ice, even be it only in cyberspace, may well quicken whatever healing or learning I must achieve for myself.

I believe in a 'God' - a Creator that I do not know personally, but some kind of being/intelligence that made me nonetheless.
I am mortified to end up 'on the wrong team' - and this fear cycles back on itself like an uroborous creating anger and negativity. It is a tightening spiral. I do not want to be forced into a devotional spirituality if fear is the bedrock. But right now this is all I have, what can I make out of it?

I've been contemplating seeing a shrink, but then I figure they've almost certainly never met a guy like me, and I'd probably not believe their spiel anyways so what's the point? I grieve and get pissed when I think that I have such strong feelings of need and inadequacy. I should be able to DO 'this' myself! Why can't I just get ahold of myself? What's my fucking problem? I see synchronicities everywhere, I am assailed by my perceptions - they seem so uncommonly astute as to maybe even be fairly called 'schizoid'. I hate this shit. I just want the noise in my head to abate - I want peace. But how can I ever have peace if I do not know trust?

I have lost faith...if I ever had it. As a child I was prone to awful panic attacks, these were brought on by my own incessant thoughts of how small I am in the enormity of the vast unknown, where did I come from where was I going, is something pre-ordained? I was very young to have such deep thoughts and they reflected in bouts of (sometimes) uncontrolled panic which sent my parents scrambling to send me to doctors. I was tested for everything - epilepsy, and anything else which might explain these 'dizzy spells' as my youthful vernacular called them. They passed with age and I knew them not again until my psychedelic exploration began in earnest. Then I was confronted with the same vexing, perplexing koan which sent me off into non ordinary consciousness as a lad.

At times I thought I had learned from this. These episodes. Indeed I have learned much in my 'career' but what benefit it is now is just beyond my grasp. A person has to come to their own conclusions about how they are here, why they are here, where they are going and what to do with the time that is given to them. In essence - WHO they are. I thought I knew...I thought that perhaps I had been called to this work. And I will tell you that I am damned good at it. I am educated in the fundamentals of emergency medicine, I have deep personal experiences and years of my own explorations to draw from. And I really do care about people. But what is this hole that I am in, I feel so estranged from everyone and everything.  I have no self discipline and am turning in to a selfish fraidycat - I said I do not know what I want earlier - well I know some things I do not want, and that is to stay here or become a crusty old curmudgeon who's best days are behind him and who cannot see the forest through the trees...

Part of this dilemma was working in the ibogaine 'circuit' - while I met awesome people and learned that my aptitudes and experience uniquely suited me for these tasks, I knew I was good at it - I've foundered of late in the stream of discombobulating human nature. The way these providers wantonly attack each other is unbelievable to me. Were I to get over this current 'soul sickness' and deem it appropriate to pick up where I left off - I would do things on my own, not aligning myself with any specific 'team' I think...unless it were one I created myself. But I won't touch this with a fifty foot pole in my current situation. I am sad in a way no one should be. It is a refractory depression that's haunted me since adolescence and I just am not sure how to fix it.

Is belief a choice? I always wondered this - and if so, that may be even more frightening to me. I have made many wrong choices for myself in my life. Something so very important, (to me the most important) - how can one 'choose' the 'right' way? I was ever under the impression that belief (paradoxically) was something that required no sustaining effort, for the getting of it and seeking it were the only trials, if they could be called such - and I thought that these came in flashes of epiphany or awakening and once one had it it would be unshakeable, and therefore require no 'belief' for it would be as fact. I see people who know this in their lives, and they are the most happy, contented people I have ever known. They are SURE...they have no doubts, in what they believe. They live in peace therefore - nevermind what socioeconomic burdens they may bear or other problems that Life presents us all with.

No one can tell another person what to believe. Though of course this happens, as with some religious people. My youngest brother is a far flung fundamentalist charismatic Christian and our relationship suffers greatly from this schism. I have looked in to it, certainly...he has a new son (his first) and is a very happy man. But his positions regarding spirituality are absolutely terrifying to me. I pray. Sometimes I pray like monk. I used to get something out of prayer. I do not now. All seems empty and suspended, awaiting my 'decision' to 'choose' - only then can I live (or die) like I am supposed to. But I cannot decide, because I lack trust (faith)in myself, and in God (or your own word for this).

Do I have to know myself before I know my creator, or vice versa? Is this a paradox...it is indeed. The answer glares at me from the very question itself but this is no help. It in fact, only makes it more difficult and painful for me at his juncture of my life.

I have worked hard at this forum, sometimes giving it my full attentions - and sometimes, like lately - only giving it cursory perusal, trying to stay on top of welcoming our new members and making them feel safe and comfortable, but yearning for safety and comfort myself...it makes it burdensome for me to 'out' myself thus, on a forum (that I built) to advocate and share with others the healing majesty of plant teachers and of iboga in particular, as it is peerless in its abilities and uniqueness. I've placed myself in (somewhat of) a 'leadership' role by virtue of helping to build and sustain our abode- but feel like my own current phase disqualifies me to share my knowledge, as shaken as my faith is... I am lost.

If I did not write this, I might well go mad. I certainly would continue in this devastating cocoon until God-knows-what emerged...not, in any case, the man I might otherwise become. I feel I have fallen from the earnest, eager enthusiasm I once knew and am stagnating in a limbo of self doubt and worry and deep fears about where I am and where will I go from here?

I almost feel like I should apologize for this, but I should not let those strange ideas prevent me from being forthcoming about such important issues in my life. I do not ever want to be anything other than genuine on these boards. I am the same guy in real life as I am here, and will always be so...though I risk disappointment - mostly from myself - for my vulnerabilities and would not have anyone feel awkward about my sincerity or honesty. I am going in circles, hiding from myself, hiding from everyone and everything else and it is exhausting. I have enough wood to flood. I have been considering this...but I have flooded more than most people will ever flood - it is in the integration that I fail.

How can I ever trust myself to accept any teachings, direction or 'answers' that I am exposed to - when I feel like I have been disengaged from believing a word I say to myself? How insane is this whole affair?

I would call it a mid-life crisis, if I had ever grown up in the first place, so this is a moot point. I am forty years old now. I look somewhat young for my age, and am trapped in a twenty-one year old emotional body. Maybe getting close to a stuctured program like the 12 steps would open me up. I feel like I need a mentor - and am angry at the fact that I feel like I NEED another person that way. It may not be healthy or appropriate, it may be cloaked codependency. I am - as you have probably guessed, over-analytical in everything, but had I a male mentor in whom I could trust, perhaps it would help me to regain some of what I have lost along the way.

There may be more stream of consciousness rambling coming after this. I have made up my mind to go ahead and post this today. I have begun this before and erased or ignored it, but not this time. I care about this place and I believe we have good hearts dwelling here, and even lurking around the borders of this little island...

Thanks to anyone who reads this - it was not easy to do. More like a blog than a post, but at least here  I have a connection.

I do love you people, I really do...Cal

" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline bajaiboganaut

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2012, 06:59:57 PM »
You are right, " I am you and what I see is me..." Calling you now, brother.


Offline mo

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2012, 03:01:32 AM »
hi Calaquendi
thank you so much for opening up fully here, you should not be ashamed, you can be proud to have found the courage to post this.
you opened up completely, showing your wound fully.
this is a theme for me these days, it has been on my mind -  coincidence? ..
i will say a view things that crossed my mind as i read your post, i don't know if this is good advice, just what i feel i could say to you in good spirits..
after years of not reading a lot i have been drawn to reading spiritual literature again, and two books in particular influenced and facilitated my growth and i would like to share them here, hoping that they can help you:

Stephen Harrod Buhner's The Secret Teachings of Plants
this book is not only about plants but about how to live with an open heart, how to shift consciousness from the mind to the heart, such that when you encounter an phenomenon you will contemplate with your heart, instead of rationalising it with your rational mind.

in the case of your fear, the teachings of this book would tell you to contemplate that fear with your heart.

i'm not sure if this is meaningful to you, to me this is very practicable advice! and it has helped me make deep realizations about the teachings i have received in the past.

a long time ago i had an epiphany in which i was given the living knowledge that all comes out of nothing. that was ~ 17 years ago and i have since tried to rationalize it! the teachings in this book have taught me how to deal with this and other spiritual phenomena - when a living phenomenon makes an impression on you, you should come again and again to the feeling that it has produced in you, contemplating it with your heart, over and over again.

as i read this, my almost 2 decade long struggle comes to an end. i discover now as a truth that i can not have a rational copy of the living truth itself. but what i can have is much more - the living truth itself!

this brings me to the second book:

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj's I AM THAT

the truth that he talks about, i believe, can only be felt it you already had a glimpse of it. i say this as it is surely also rationally possible to follow his thoughts, though it might be very repetitive. however if you did have a glimpse, then what reading him will do for you is this - it will remind you of the feeling and as i read it, this is exactly what it did - i was contemplating the truth that came to me with my heart and it made full of joy, interrupting my thought processes, washing me in a wave of healing!

let me share an other lesson that i have received which might be useful to you. i am continually finding that as i grow spiritually more mature negativity/conflicts and fear don't have the effect they used to have - to make me unhappy/dark and afraid. instead i perceive them as energies which, on a good day, i have the choice to use to become acutely present.

i feel you suffer from a great spiritual crisis from which you will grow mature and strong, i believe that you would not be facing this challenge if you where not ready - you are a lucky guy ;)

you say that trust is at the heart of the issue. i feel that it might be unconditional trust. i find that trust is an aspect of, or like, unconditional love.

i mean, there is also conditional trust/love. where you will only trust/love a person/phenomenon if you have a proof that the person/phenomenon is trustworthy/lovable, where it has shown you that it is trustworthy/lovable.

who sees/feels/knows the deep flaw in this?!

to me, i found this to be primary and i feel that we are all growing toward a maturity where we see/feel/know it ourselves ever deeper! we melt more and more one with the love and grounding trust that lies at the core of nature.

may you be well,
bless you,
momo
« Last Edit: June 27, 2012, 03:09:25 AM by mo »
in a universe like ours, to beings like us, the idea of a god dying can be quite liberating

Offline crazylife

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2012, 03:18:31 AM »
I believe the truth is inside all of us, and when we are ready we are drawn that much closer towards it.

This guys book has helped trigger me.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/thomas-minderle/transcending-the-matrix-control-system-vol-1/paperback/product-20151497.html;jsessionid=BEB43966DD70D51D4377ED3EAFAF569E

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2012, 06:26:51 AM »
Thank you for the replies - heartfelt and genuine.

Mo - the Bruhner book is incredible...I left it in Mexico and will pick up another copy. Never got past the halfway mark in it and I have never read a book so slowly before. It is amazing....

I'm a lucky guy eh? Lol...well friend, you aren't the first to call me that in he last 24hrs...though what kind of luck I wonder  :)

Thanks to you also crazy, I will peruse those books as well. I felt that I was risking coming off like a head case or big crybaby if I shot that post out here...but man, this is my home in so many ways, I would be doing a disservice to us all if I hung back anymore. It is late - or early - depending on your point of view, and I will try to crash a while. And may I sleep in peace tonight for a change...

Warmest regards to you my friends...Cal

" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline goatboy

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2012, 09:23:40 AM »
Hey brother Cal!

I feel your pain, I do. I feel/felt like that quite often, and continuously trying to improve upon it.  Just want to say that you have lead a lot of good into this world ALREADY. I can't imagine how many people you picked up and just showed them another option that saved their lives. Including mine! And I feel indefinitely in debt for it, I'm sure there's others as well. Remember that.. You've already lead a positive, game-changing life, and if karma and/or a god exists, I think you'd be in good hands.

What worked for me, well on and off, now on again; I'm getting weary of the circle myself but keeps getting better as I continue to be persistant. But ask around about a shrink/therapists, I've done that in the past year or two and found one that actually pretty decent. He knows about my drug past, still is encouraging, helping me lay down a better development of life for my future. And doesn't say no to a needed script as necessary. Ask around, dismiss the ones that disregard you because of your past before you see them or pay. There are some decent docs out there, just not many. They fluctuate so much..

The other part that works for me the best, which I know you know this of course, is ENVIRONMENT (I'm just a very strong believer in this area). I know so many people that move out of state, counrty, city, w/e to get away and start a clean life. A small percentage may, but for the most part what I've seen.. Is that they find out that the same drugs and type of people are in all these areas. It's hard to pick and choose the people to stay in contact to when the people you've enjoyed the most have been school buddies now turned addicts. It's hard, I've came back to my parents house after flooding the first time and that change of environment and me cutting off loose links did wonders.

You've helped so many people man, reflect on that as I wish you the very best for your future. Sometimes it's best to just stand back and help yourself. Sometimes you only find yourself after you've lost everything. Writing/venting it can actually productive.. I always try to keep up but forget more times than not.. need to work on that.

Anyways, much love and healing to you brother. Thanks for everything, Do whatever you gotta do to get found again. As tedious as may be.. It's there.

GB

Rise, Run, Feed, Ripen, Wound, Wither, Fall, Rise Again...

Offline lbark

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2012, 01:48:50 AM »
Thanks for sharing Cal.
I remember reading all your posts when I first came on here and now again after coming back and you have helped me, so I am one in a long line who is grateful to you.

I feel I am in no position to really give offer wisdom but I will try, even if that is not what your looking for.
I find life when is lived right things are very is very simple.
Live clean, work hard (or work to find something worthy of your time like your iboga work or whatever you love) and be with the person you love. With this us animals are pretty happy.
Keep sharing and listen to your heart rather than your mind. You know your heart knows the truth.
I find San Pedro is good for initiating this if you need a nudge.

Best wishes brother, if I can help with even in any way I would love to.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2012, 02:07:57 AM by lbark »
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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2012, 04:17:01 PM »
If it helps I had or have been in a similar state for the past week or so, really 2 weeks. 

The "spell" or "panema" was recently broken by 3 days of microdosing 500mg twice a day and then finally last night I had 500mg of some super concentrated TA.  I could literally feel it pulling away the layers of worry, gloom and stress that were holding me down.  I never thought I would say 500mg of TA was the most healing experience I have had to date.  Alas I think I found a tiny niche for my soul.  Today might have been the happiest day of my life, for no apparent reason.  Also the actual experience was nothing unbearable, it was a perfect breeze into my issues and a gentle pulling up of the covers over my being.   

Much love for you Cal.  I know I haven't been a good comrade of late, due to my misunderstandings and my lack of consideration, but in my books you will always be a stand up fellow...worthy of continual happiness free from the ebb and flow of samsara.  Next time believe me I will not be relating with drama starters or drama brush fires.  Blessings and continual support unto you. 

Offline Jox

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2012, 04:53:56 PM »
Hi Cal,

you mention creator, faith and then shrink....

it all feels too 50´s to mee... + psychedelics which will get you to the 60´s....

I have to be haiku short, since am in rural Mexican beach....

take care
Jox

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2012, 12:08:35 AM »
Want to thank you all...it helps to air this kind of thing out, I'm just always hesitant to do so until feels like I'm about to crack up. I was thinking of 'panema' earlier KP - always these synchronicities make an impression on me. I do not think I am quite ready for kambo again yet - luckily the moon is waxing and I have a bit to gather myself in case I decide to try again. I think I may microdose this week a few days  - see if that can hep break some of this up, but there also has to be a cognitive component to 'whatever' I do to get through this particular time.

Thank you all, lbark, GB - for your kind words - and Jox for the haiku lol..., and thanks to the PMs and phone calls, I have gotten a good deal of love and support from you all and it really goes a long way.

Breaking the ice maybe did help to unloose some energies - I'll try to engage the flow and hopefully snap out the worst of it.

Love and light and blessings, Cal
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline roy d

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2012, 12:01:42 AM »

Hi Cal,

You do post a strong positive vibe, nothing wrong with that.  It seems like your going through a rough spell, oh how I hate when that happens.  I don't know, is Mercury in retrograde??  Well even if it was it would not last two months.

Quote
ultimate terror just behind the curtain

guilt and shame about deeds past

directionless and uncertain place in the future

It's all doom and gloom you really should see someone.  Most counties have a place for those without cash (thought I was gonna say without funds didn't ya) and they will get ya a therapist.

You talk about past deeds well we all pulled some... bad stuff when using, isn't that one reason we quit and want to stay quit.  Yeah, we all relapse sometimes too, it sucks, no doubt.

 
Quote
A person has to come to their own conclusions about how they are here, why they are here, where they are going and what to do with the time that is given to them.

Right they have to come to their own conclusions, of hand I would say we are here to try and make the world a better place - end of story.  Of course that is only my conclusion.  And whatever your guess is it is as good as mine.  But if you think about it you have done a lot of good and helped many people, may of saved a life or two, definitely made life worth living for others.

Quote
But what is this hole that I am in, I feel so estranged from everyone and everything. 

It sounds like depression but who am I to say, you really should call someone.

Quote
Maybe getting close to a structured program like the 12 steps would open me up. I feel like I need a mentor - and am angry at the fact that I feel like I NEED another person that way. It may not be healthy or appropriate, it may be cloaked codependency. I am - as you have probably guessed, over-analytical in everything, but had I a male mentor in whom I could trust, perhaps it would help me to regain some of what I have lost along the way.

A 12 step program might help, might be better than a shrink or therapist, by all means give it a try - do something.

Also, I would try and do without all but the most necessary of drugs, kinda sounds funny if ya think about it.  Maybe a little weed but off the hard and addicting stuff, easy on the psychedelic and I am not sure about SSRI type stuff but did you by any chance start taking a new med of some kind??

Look at all the people that has have problems that are on this forum so why should you be all that different - go ahead and unload.

Keep in touch,

  Roy

Offline skinny

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2012, 05:21:33 AM »
Hey just wanted to reply and say my life has gone shitty for the past couple months, feeling worthless, helped so many people, don't think I would ever make a living with plant medicine.  I feel it is a calling that some have and not everyone life is gonna go great all the time.  I know for me I need to be doing something where I feel productive so for me it is just a job that gets me by these tough times and allows me to save.  When i first did iboga I saved my friend's life, she was a nurse that was out of control with coke/pills, i admit I was addicted to the sex so my iboga session at Sara's house was a pleasant experience for me, a hostile experience for her but we ended up splitting.  She ended up saving her career, we ended up living together at couple points since the past few years but it's never getting ahead for me.  I had no luck in getting anywhere near my career.

When I got back from Sara's, and old high school friend gave me a lead for a tech support job that paid 10/hr.  I ended up getting it but I had another better position which lead to a 3rd interview.  it was a software quality assurance job that paid 35k, I ended up going to my first day of the 10/hr job and asking the hiring manager if I could postpone the hire date.  For what?  I said I had another interview i was considered.  Most people would have b.s.ed this but i was honest and ended up not getting any of those jobs.  What furthered my depression was a few months later my brother got me a tech support interview that paid 18/hr which was sweet!  The interviewer asked me if I was a drug dealer!  No.  But I did get a felony charge on marijuana which i pleaded guilty to a misdeamanor drug para...so he told me I should work that that 10/hr job because if I had just a little bit of experience there I would be a good fit for the company.  I tried to get a connect again from my high school friend, to no avail.  I screwed that up.  This lead me to a big depression.

A year or so later...I'm at my So my nurse friend invited me to her brother's wedding, i go to nyc and find out about the aya ceremonies are happening again, this time at the beach.  I'm staying at my former doc's house who treated me like a slave, but he paid me.  he's a big time alcoholic that barely eats but he sees himself as doctor that helped many people with his herbal formulas for hep-c.  Now he is only giving me room/board and he lost interest in kinky slave degradation, his successful son abandoned him so he wants a friend to be by his lonely drunk bed.  It's been almost a week and he lessened his drinking so I'm helping do his chores, we ate very well yesterday.  he's making me get a job, so I'm trying to round up some more ppl that I talked to months about aya and do a beach meditation, the host is only asking 20 dollars donation which is just enough for medicines and supplies.  I went to the last friday and it was amazing to be out in the moonlight and sunrise, got a girl who fell off the wagon and was sober for 40 days, the medicine cleaned her out and overall there were about 15 people, some of them were broke but the host is doing this as a true shaman would, not turning down the sick and needy.

Anyways after the wedding i get an email from my brother and the old 10/hr job is opening up, its a phone slave job that has lots of turnover and i have the previous experience with phone support and email support, so I'm anxious because the i want to make one more beach meditation, if I get called for the interview i will fly down and hope by faith i get hired like last time!  I talked to my mom, my dad is terminally ill with cancer (i was living with them, got very depressed again)...so I got word back from the recruiter and now hope I get this job.  One of my intentions in the last meditation was for a 'miracle' to get a job back, I cant keep on living with this drunk, i need something to wake up, work for, and go home and feel tired and start the cycle over again.  Our country is going through a sickness...so many people are broke, no jobs, college educated Phds as the doctor told me are taking 10/hr jobs with Apple because of the name.  I only know one meditator that is doing pretty well at his job, and hes a computer network guy at a very privileged position, the last place that would go broke in a severe economic collapse.

So my heart is in the medicine, i get such a thrill in helping those who really need it.  It just needs someone to facilitate, teach them about the dieta and conserving sexual energy.  I'm trying to get a guy who is suffering from Irritable Bowel this weekend, he told me that Amma the hugging saint is out today in the city, my meditator friend told me of a free concert by George Clinton in the city (the host used 'Maggot Brain' by Funkadelic as an icaro which was amazing a few times)....and friday is another night at the beach.  So I hope to make it out one more time, i will be doing dieta tommorow, juicing, bland foods (quinoa)...and hoping to get more people rounded up.

hope that sounded coherent, I wouldn't posted this unless i got on this old computer that still had my logon info.  my laptop kicked me out after I logged off and forgot my password.

skinny

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Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2012, 03:18:29 PM »
Brother Cal!

I KNOW that you are a beautiful and good person.  You are kind, respectful and compassionate.  You, my dear friend, have a good heart.  Come on now, admit it, you KNOW it's true.

It is important to you, critical, that you do the right thing, that you cause no harm.  You question yourself, you examine yourself to make sure.

To know our own faults, our shortcomings, our mistakes is a blessing  --  how would we overcome them if we didn't know what they were?

I, too, have had the problem of fixating on the negative aspects of my personality and behavior, of fixating on the obstacle instead of the way around it.

How 'bout this?  Fixate on you problems, on every infinitesimal particle of negativity (Scientists call them 'negatons') in you being.  Then, fixate on the fixation, for it, too, is negative.  Then fixate on that fixation, and then the next fixation and all the ones after that, house of mirrors style.

If that don't make you hork up you lunch and move on, well, oopsie...

OK, here's another infalible idea:  Come to Tucson and check into the homeless shelter and spa where i'm staying.  I predict that after spending just a few days rubbing shoulders with sociopaths, wakkos and the criminally impoverished, you will come to the realization: "Hey, i ain't so bad after all, let me outta this freak house!"

Sorry mon, i love you and would do anything to help.  I was going to be serious and sensitive and wise and helpful, but fell into the deep dark pit of my inappropriate and diseased non-sense of humor.  Sorry.  Really, really sorry!

Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

See!  That proves it ! ! !  Only a compassionate, loving and forgiving Bodhisattva could pardon me for writing such trash.  You do have a good heart, you are an exceptionally good person!  (He said, being TOTALLY SERIOUS, for a change.)

Love Ya ! ! !

Eon
« Last Edit: July 10, 2012, 03:20:14 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2012, 07:33:09 PM »
I love you all for your kind words and good vibes. The last thing I wanted was to be a whiny-ass...I know people everywhere are struggling: financially, and otherwise. Why should I be an exception, just because I am 'me'...the issue is - I have a real hard time defining 'me' - this is the core of the problem.

I mentioned trust, well this is the be all end all. Hard to trust myself. Jung said, " I believe what I know" and I agree with him 100%. But...I don't know shit. The more I learn, the more I learn how much I have to learn. And instead of this being an occasion for joy - which it has been for me in the past, it has become a burden. I am not getting younger, I am just fucking mired in time. I hate it - I can't seem to get hold of it or exert any control over these feelings of doom.

I'll not go on SSRI/SNRI drugs, no way. I have tried about a half dozen of these in my life and not a one impressed me enough to stay on - and the side effects were rotten.

I will share something I do not want to - but fuck it, there has to be someone out there who understands this. I do not take pleasure in anything these days, nothing. I do not even have a libido- this is WAY wrong, I'm not dead, and I never used to have a problem in this area, I mean I wasn't some 'pimp' but I got down without a hitch whenever I wanted to. I just do not care lately...to me this is telling, and a very serious part of what is wrong. It's like not wanting to eat (which is also the case)

The DSM calls it 'anhedonia' - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia -   and it fits like a glove.

I have had real serious refractory depression since adolescence. some was surely environmentally exacerbated - but not all.

Iboga/ibogaine opened the world up to me like nothing I have ever done, but I failed in the post session of 'my part'. Got cocky, relapsed, up and down - you know the story.

I won't go near a psychedelic in this state of mind - with the exception of another flood. It is going on a year since I did ibogaine hcl the first time, which I found an excellent and 'easy' way to detox - compared to the full alks, but at the same time it was nowhere near as deep and profound in the insights/visions that the wood or TA is. I have bark on hand, enough to flood probably (25g) I think I am going to next week around wed or Thurs.

I know it will not get me a job, fix my credit or shine on my resume - it won't even get me a chick, but it might snap me out of this imbalance and help ME know ME again. This is what I want from it. I just do not know what else to do. I got one foot in the asylum and one foot in the 'zone'. I think I will try to reset before I trade my sneakers in for slippers and scrubs.

I can't tell you guys how much it means that you have all responded, and I really do understand that I have some good qualities -I never meant to usurp any energies into a 'pep talk' for Cal - things are just really overwhelming me now, and....and I don't know.

It is hard to put this kind of shit 'out there' I do not like it one bit, but I will not spurn the love and advice from caring folks here.

Someone always has it worse, I am acutely aware of how shitty things could be. But all I want is to be able to take care of myself - without needing all the help I have needed these past few years. I know that healing on such a scale takes time, maybe impatience is part of my deal...but when I said I haven't grown up- this is what I meant. I am not like any of my peer group, not remotely, save for the occasional, twisted, too-smart-for -his-own-good dude I run into at 12 step groups, or the brilliant folks around here, and even then, maybe having some of the same problems and feelings, people have at least found ways to not live off of others' good will. I could be living in a box...real easy.

If this reads like a gross pity pot - forgive me, this is not my intention at all. I at least know enough to understand that I am fortunate in many ways...yet I am looking for something intrinsically missing, inside Cal. Somewhere I lost a very important connection, maybe even - likely even - belief. Belief in something so important, a raison d'etre - it was ever so close and *poof* here I am blinking in the sun like I just got out of a plane crash.

Anyways - I digress. Thanks to all of you - this place means a lot to me and I am very glad it has the wonderful people that make it a solid forum. It is you people that make eboka what it is. I love you.
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Iboga Panacea

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Re: (Long)...Lost
« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2012, 02:46:13 AM »
Truly brilliant brother Cal,
The Healing Crisis is such a treasure.  I am in one now (too).  Different but I think the healing crisis element of make it or break it holds true.   

Many blessings on your path