had my first Iboga flood this weekend.
Wednesday - a few drops of TA tincture (3-4 mg). Thursday - 16 mg of TA tincture. Friday - TA extract from 25g of Root bark circa 250mg-1g (assumng a 1-4% range). Saturday - remaining 10% of Friday's mixture.
I'm feeling good. A bit low with the serotonin, dopamine draining.
But I guess that's about par for the journey. Will wait for a couple of days for the receptors to build up again.
Flooded with wisdom. I can't think of questions fast enough for them to get answered by the Father.
I started with inviting the spirit into me a few days ago, and had some TA extract - a few drops. Then on Wednesday I had another slightly larger dose. I had a massive mood crash the following day. But I could feel the spirit already doing its work. I felt the pain I had caused. I sat at home crying tears with the pain that I had caused so many people. Not so much in the last 2-3 years. Maybe 3-4 people. But the list has kept increasing with every passing hour. Memories brought back - but I get ahead of myself.
Mood drop on thursday with the serotonin/dopamine leakage - wasn't helped with the negative comments on a thread I started on eboka for advice. It was around getting a sitter, and even when i agreed with them, they kept coming back at me, and I was a bit shaken especially with the post microdose Iboga crash. But worked around it. bancopuma's PM's helped greatly,
There were also a couple of rough days at work, and I rarely ever have rough days at work, no matter how much work or shit is thrown at me. So a lot of tiny tiny things adding up. Made more difficult with the low mood secondary to neurotransmitter drain.
Missed a couple of days of meditation too, and that had a knock on effect too. Neuroticised about waffle a fair bit as a result.
With all the above adding up, and the iboga sort your shit out vibe in the background, it was not the smoothest of rides.
But the changes had already started. My diet is awful, and I thought it was a low priority for me as there are other things I need to get done. And my motivation was low. And as I write this, I hear the Father go, yes, I was attached to my weight, and how I had become. (haha, not quite fat, but sexy beast might might just be overreaching).
I had watched food docu movies, Food Inc, Forks and Knives, supersize me, supercharge me, earthlings to see if they could get my motivation up. And got zip in terms of motivation or enough of a kick up my backside. However I chanced upon Hungry For Change that had a free screening on thursday. It made a huge difference - putting ideas like we wouldnt feed a chimpanzee in a zoo crisps, and donuts, into my head. I ordered the rolls royce of domestic fruit and vegetable juicers the morning after the TA tincture. The Omega VERT 350 HD if anyone's interested. It had great reviews.
My fruit and veggie juice diet starts when I receive it on Monday.
Friday was more of the crash.
Got my sitter to come home, and gave her a set of keys.
Went out shopping and got a few essentials - coconut water, fruits, and the like.
I had soaked the root bark in vinegar for 5-6 days. did a few vinegar soaks over the next few hours. Filtered it. And heated the filtrate and scraped the residue off. No gelcaps. So I just swallowed it whole, with a gram or two of Root bark to get the whole range in.
I thought a few times about the nausea and medicating for it. Im usually against putting pharmaceuticals into my body - but opted for some cinnarizine. That killed all my nausea, which is a good thing, as I have an oversensitive gag reflex.
It sent me to sleep for a couple of hours though. Initial plan was to sleep from 8-3 and wake up and have it. But I thought I'd get on with it. Back to work on Monday, and time was short.
Downloading a bwiti music CD and played it on infinite loop.
I did a lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram to cleanse my auric field, I did a rose cross for an astral protection cloak, the middle pillar to assume the god form, chi kung sets (didnt get around to doing a yoga asana, and had a voice in my head saying I don't need to do the Bornless spirit invocation (I now know it was Iboga, as it would be another spirit in my body fighting for space with the father).
I also PM's a few people, and some pretty powerful healers , theta healers, kundalini awakened peeps, my sister and best bud and asked them to send me love and light. I also entered theta state and drew light and asked, or rather co-mmanded (co-, because I'm God doing it with God) protection. I felt this was a really important step for me pre-work. Felt another beautiful energy overseeing my work with the Father.
One last chat with my ancestors and I loaded. had half initially (of 25 gram TA extract from Root bark), and some over the next couple of hours. There's a tiny bit still left and I'll go for it tonight.
The lessons are streaming in hard and fast. I just ask a question, and I get the answer immediately. Matter of fact, delivered to me.
I see incidents in the past - coming back to me, and I can see how I made the other person feel. And it feels like a form of attack. I feel some of the pain and hurt the other person felt, and it makes me feel like a guy with a knife who goes around stabbing people in the heart.
Feels awful to see myself as a being who goes around attacking people willy nilly. (Just like Madre Aya showed me that love is acceptance and non acceptance/resentment was holding me back, and I was a resentment building and carrying machine.)
It makes me want to live a life anew. I want to give love, compassion and acceptance and more and more of it. I know I can't go around being so reckless with other peoples emotions. I'm thick skinned/water off a ducks back kinda guy. But other's aren't. And i do realise I can be a powerful, intimidating guy at times. Haha, ouch. Not a pretty figure to see in the reflection. Scaring the people around me. I thought I hadn't done much bad in the last 2-3 years, but memories coming back show me otherwise. All through today, Im getting memory after memory of some way I slighted someone or another. With the added insight of how they felt. Ouch. For both of us.
I have to deal with people with so so much more compassion, and acceptance. And Love.
I ask why I have a glass ceiling of self worth and deservedness and it tells me that I don't feel I'm as good as other people. And that in my head there's some criterion of goodness or Value that dictates how deserving people should be to have good things happen to them.
I can't think of questions fast enough for them to get answered.
It shows me my problems that I created. And continue to create. And shows me my attachment to them. How precious my problems are to me. More precious than overcoming them.
That I have a life where I let stuff pile up on the side, let it accumulate and it builds stress around me, and once I'm in that sadomasochistic state is the level I keep myself at. Because I am addicted to the pain and the stress.
A narrative/habit where I have to be bombarded from all sides, and only then I can function fully at that level. And Ive made that into a default state. Even absorbing insights like we are all always in crisis to help me along, and focus on the positives.
But the importance of housekeeping i.e. getting jobs ticked off the list is shown to me. This is society, if I want to play. I have to pay.
And can't visualise for myself (even if I do manifestation exercises) to getting there. There are blocks, the biggest one of which is I am attached to my problems.
However with the iboga showing me the future with my current behaviours, I see how things will go ahead with my current behaviours, and its not always reassuring.
Sure, Im doing hypnotherapy now, on a tv presenter course (to pursue my filmmaking dreams), Im saving a bucketload of moolah, on to do an Anthony Robbins seminar in May.
Im meditating almost everyday, and have a baseline of bliss and tranquility.
But there is also attachment to problems and pain.
IT's time to cut the threads that bind us together. And jettison the pain. There is much good work to be done.
Bind the problem of unfiled tax returns, an ex-girlfriend I'm probably still harbouring feelings for with a silly narrative I've fooled myself into - she and I believed we were soulmates. And I do think we are. But I also feel everyone reading this is a soulmate. Thought I had gotten over her and it was in the past. But an insight into my narrative tells me a different story, and it's time to cut the ties.
Having more of an insight into my past unhelpful narrative that was keeping me anchored in painful, unwanted behaviours that weren't to my highest good.
With relationships, I feel I'm in my home stretch - and I'm just a couple of steps away from having amazing kids with an amazing woman. I have a lot of great things going for me. I've just fallen into a unhelpful narrative since my breakup of not wanting to have girifriends because I dont want to tear another beautiful soul apart. I started having one night stands, a different every week for a while and a lot of them were falling for me. Now, Ive even stopped the one night stands, and am sleeping with escorts (im being honest here), and now even they're falling for me. Had another one, a couple of weeks ago saying I love you a couple of times. She said she wanted to sleep with me for sex and not money. It's an unhelpful pattern to be mired in.
Just a whole lot of old narratives that aren't helpful anymore I hold onto. When it comes to relationships, pain will be caused with a breakup, any breakup. But I should also see that I gave everyone of them incredible joy, and treated my girlfriends over the last few years like absolute gold. And I should look to focus on more of that, rather than causing imaginary future pain.
I've stopped going out, and there's avoidance with that. in that I only go out on a night out once or twice a month. I speak to women, and if it's going well or not, I just eject. My lifestyle is shite, as I move towns, and it takes a couple of months to set up in a new town. But Im in a beautiful town, with spectacularly beautiful women, and classy places to go to. Not the usual nightclub fare. So so much magic to enjoy with some of the most beautiful women in the world. Gotta find a few with depth, and have a social circle/weekend plan to get there that does not involve nightclubs.
I was thinking to myself that I dont want to have sex without love. And wanted to do it for the long haul, and if not, then escorts. But I heard the father's voice say, that delineation is in my head. It's ALL sex no matter with who or how I do it. And he showed me where my current behaviours were leading.
I just have to decide what I want and go for it. But if I go the way I am, and avoiding it, I'll be in the same place in a year. And I don't want that. i want the picket fence, woman, babies life. This human feels the need to replicate. And live on. It's a realisation that I'm descended all the way down from the primordial soup. And it would be great to keep it going.
I also see how I fill my body with negative neurochemicals and stress hormones. I've stopped alcohol and cannabis recently. Dont do any other drugs other than entheogens occasionally. But negative neurochemicals - because of procrastination, or issues of self worth and deservedness, or plain laziness, build up in this beautiful temple I inhabit.
I ask how I can achieve my goals, and the answer I get is simple. Get off your laptop. Get out of your house. Choose that things outside these four walls called life. I had a beautiful vibrant social life in the country I came from, but here in the UK, its a bit anti social, but I realise if i want it, its up to me to create it. And it is eminently doable.
And not to overthink it, just go ahead and do it.
Fruit and vegetable juicer. healthier eating. no processed food. And this body I create deserves it.
I am God. As is everything, and everybody around me. And our purpose is to create. The people I have the privilege of coming into contact with deserve the best of treatment.
Love, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness. Breaking free of chains of past unhelpful narratives. And replace them with new narratives.Create a clear picture of my future and work towards it.
Getting out of my comfort zones.
Treating my body well.
Treating my mind well, and having positive self talk. Continue meditation.
Treating the human body/being that I inhabit well. Soul union work with a structure. stay off the alcohol and cannabis (a month now). Get a lifestyle. Get out of the house. Get a cycle, and get the body I've always dreamt of having (always had a decent body, and let it go this past year, but there's passable and there's visibly glowing and fit). Create a clear picture of my future and work towards it.
Assimilate the lessons as long as the Father is in my body teaching me lessons. And build on them.
insight is such a bitch
. just all my behaviours laid out before me like that. Past behaviours effect on recent actions, and present behaviours effect on future actions. And seeing it all play out.
But still a few more hours to go. Lots of realisations. A lot of sadness too. But there is much magic across the bridge.
There is much work to be done. Much thanks and gratitude for those who supported me. lalala, your kind PM was much appreciated.