Author Topic: Locked and loaded; Guidance please  (Read 3850 times)

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Offline Rise

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Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« on: June 11, 2013, 11:14:35 AM »
Ok, game time.  Tonight I prepare.  ETA: tomorrow night.  Sitter is set.  Set is set.  Setting is set.  Nervous, but excited for another dance.  2nd time so I know a bit.  Will try to use what I know to go deeper.  I want to explore its depth and return anew.  The following week I will spend with family at the beach so I will get some good love and relaxin.  I hope it'll be a life changing experience.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Offline lbark

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2013, 02:10:30 PM »
Best of luck.
My advice would be to take enough.
I know myself sometimes it starts kickin in..and it's like ohhh sheet, and then we may not take sufficient.
Don't be scared to take ALL of your planned dose, and maybe even plan a bit more.
Basse' to my Posse'

Offline Rise

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2013, 11:58:53 AM »
Good advice.  Thank you.  I did take enough, thats for sure.  Fascinating what happens..  Fascinating too, was its slightly less intensity than my first flood, just out of familiarity and more openness.  I wish I could get out all the lessons to share, but the one that sticks out the most was that it was always just a choice.  I learned how powerful our simple daily choices are, and to them more seriously, slow down and think them through, and do whats best under whatever circumstances and its all up to me.  I am no victim.  I make my own choices and they are good choices, the best I can make.  My choices define me in some way.  I will give them more thought and treat them like they matter immensely, because they do.  I do not need Iboga for that either.  And I think it reminded me that.  It was almost not needed, but it was welcomed and experienced fully.. again.  I dont think I need to flood again.  I think that was enough for me, besides boosters, which will help me the rest of the way.  I love Iboga.  I love beauty and kindness and sunlight and water and swimming and family and happiness..  I appreciate the things I should appreciate.  I touch tree leaves on the way to work now, I admire the squirrels and flowers.  Im happy to be free and fully alive.

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2013, 01:14:51 PM »
Quote
I love Iboga.  I love beauty and kindness and sunlight and water and swimming and family and happiness..  I appreciate the things I should appreciate.  I touch tree leaves on the way to work now, I admire the squirrels and flowers.  Im happy to be free and fully alive.

Such a nice summary!  Congrats on making it to the other side between life and death and finding yourself again. 

Offline Rise

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2013, 01:38:05 PM »
I wish this place were more active, because I cant quite work out my feelings in a way that accurately communicates the message I want to share or examine together.  Im quite sure this is the only group of people that could possibly comprehend what Im unable to say.  Anyway, I think you might know what I mean.. just that a fresh start is so profound.  Even the thought of it alone, it opens up doors of potential that coudlnt even have been imagined prior to actually feeling fresh and new and clean again.  Its so deep.  I want to share it with the world.  I wish I could show everyone how amazing it is to start over; to get a do-over!  Just like in grade school we could do a do- over, but IRL there are several well- known proverbs about how there are no do -overs.  Yet, here we have one.  Right here.  magic!  We have a real life do -over.  Its fantastic!  And I love to just revel in it!  Power over choice once again.  Its liberating!  I wont let go of it again.  Control over my choices is now my new favorite thing!  Im gonna hold onto that better this time.

Offline mo

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2013, 04:16:25 PM »
"control over my choices" - i truly love that! i came out of my 4th flood and i chose a different diet. i am working at sticking with my choice, and  am a bit shaky on my knees, but i have a lot of support, maybe i will learn to trust - so often i have let myself down. but this time, somehow, it feels different.
thanks for sharing, that really resonates with me, bless, mo
in a universe like ours, to beings like us, the idea of a god dying can be quite liberating

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2013, 11:56:12 PM »
Brother Rise ~

First off, my sincere apologies for overlooking this thread, I can't seem to figure how it squeaked past me... ???

Always glad to read your accounts and ideas, and I'm especially grateful for this thread man, I moved it to the Journals since it chronicles your experience before and after...

Fantastic descriptions of the post-glow, I remember feeling many of the same feelings - walking around sniffin flowers in a Mastodon tee shirt, crying long tears at the drop of a hat, tears held back for many years. It is catharsis. Thank you for sharing with us man, and as ever it is a pleasure to have you with us ~ Cal
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline lalababa

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2013, 02:59:02 AM »
Rise,

I somehow missed this too.  I am happy things went well.  I too LOVE Iboga. During my last flood, I fell in love with it/him..  WOW!  It was amazing.  I even saw/heard Pee Wee Herman say  " then why dont ya marry it ha! ha!"  :)

thanks for sharing.

much love,
lala

Offline Rise

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2013, 03:08:40 PM »
Thanks Cal and lala and everyone.  I really appreciate the love.  There isnt enough of it in this world.  Ive lost some of that raw feeling I had post- flood, but I remember, and its still seeping in.  I need some boosters actually.  But this flood was specific in that it seemed to tell me that I didnt need it.  Has anyone heard this before?  It seemed to be telling me that it wasnt necessary to put myself through that, when it was always just a choice.  I couldve just made the choice with my mind and stuck to it with discipline..  Anyway, its been seeping in, and my choices are beginning to look more like mine and less like foreign urges.  It worked too, of course.  No foreign urges at all.  And when they do creep in, I see em comin a mile away, and repel from them.  I dont like being told what to do, or being pulled in the wrong direction by whatever.  I want to make good choices that take me somewhere nice.  I want to reach my goals one by one.  I dont want to wake up sick anymore.  I want to wake up strong.  And each day I wake up stronger, thinking clearer, crisp, and in tune with nature.  I dont miss things anymore.  I see everything.  Its like I was asleep and now Im awake; fully aware.. finally.  Thank you for having this place to hash this stuff out with like- minded people- the only people that can possibly understand.  My heads busted open alright, and it put itself back together cleaner than ever.  Thanks yall!  Clean fully controlled vibez to you all!  Now to hold it, is the next challenge.  Holdin it..

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2013, 12:27:43 PM »
...  Has anyone heard this before?

Yeah, I have heard this also - loud and clear, but still at some point my shadow crept back in and before I realized - it was back at the helm. I think the most precious gift iboga gives us is Time. We [hopefully] do not have those knee-jerk reactions immediately following our reset, and often that is more than enough for those of us so inclined - toward instant gratification - that we have this tiny space of Time in which to CHOOSE...that is enormous. It can be quite slippery and evasive, difficult to hold on to for sure, and the feeling does fade, it will eventually fade completely unless we use whatever window we are granted wisely. Here is the real challenge, the Gom Jabbar of opiate fiends - staying on the path...Hold on man, R I S E and roar, it doesn't have to take another flood if you can negotiate this new opportunity and learn from the past...but no matter what, the Gold is in you and you learned a great deal, and nothing will ever take that from you. Best of luck friend and do keep up always cool to see you here  :D
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline zingdoozer

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2013, 03:31:19 AM »
Good advice.  Thank you.  I did take enough, thats for sure.  Fascinating what happens..  Fascinating too, was its slightly less intensity than my first flood, just out of familiarity and more openness.  I wish I could get out all the lessons to share, but the one that sticks out the most was that it was always just a choice.  I learned how powerful our simple daily choices are, and to them more seriously, slow down and think them through, and do whats best under whatever circumstances and its all up to me.  I am no victim.  I make my own choices and they are good choices, the best I can make.  My choices define me in some way.  I will give them more thought and treat them like they matter immensely, because they do.  I do not need Iboga for that either.  And I think it reminded me that.  It was almost not needed, but it was welcomed and experienced fully.. again.  I dont think I need to flood again.  I think that was enough for me, besides boosters, which will help me the rest of the way.  I love Iboga.  I love beauty and kindness and sunlight and water and swimming and family and happiness..  I appreciate the things I should appreciate.  I touch tree leaves on the way to work now, I admire the squirrels and flowers.  Im happy to be free and fully alive.

that was such a pleasure to read, my good man.

Choices. That is such a penetrating insight.

I feel I am making a lot more positive choices - but there is so much more that can be done. So much of my choices are unfortunately me sitting in front of a laptop and whittling oh so precious time away. Even if I use the laptop time a little more for the projects to help me make the great escape - but on the flip side - I am working on a better diet, and whittling away at my dreams too. Just feel a bit frustrated that I could and should be doing a wee bit more. Maybe even a structured pomodoro session or two a day.

But being kind to myself, I am feeling great and treating people well.

However reading a post like yours just tells me that there is so much more joy to be had from appreciating more of the absolute magic around me.

Thank you - was a really nice part of my day yesterday to read your thoughts.

Offline Rise

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Re: Locked and loaded; Guidance please
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2013, 02:17:14 PM »
Thanks for the kind words.  Its nice to get so raw.  Things get sharp and crystal clear.  Nerve endings lit up like Vegas at Christmas.. but the downside is the exposed soft underbelly.  In the middle of my flood, my wife was screaming, 'What if you die!!'  I had to laugh deep down inside, while comforting her, while totally flooding.  It was weird, multitasking and taking on more than I could handle but still handle it somehow..  But I came out of it so strong.  I feel stronger than ever and fully in control of my choices.  Before, I mighta been letting life show me whatever it wanted.  Now I live forward, eager, energetic.. but smart, thinking crisp, and clear.  One foreign urge I did allow was cigs, so I want one bad now.  Might have one after work.  I want to be able to control these types of choices, think em through, dont go too far, enjoy it to the hilt, but keep balanced, keep from being excessive, keep it cool, maintain composure.  Life is so weird.  I never know if Im getting ahead and simplifying my realizations or just getting more and more complicated.  Gonna get me some boosters tonight.