Topic: Microdose Meditation

[Alexandra Lost]

I have been microdosing to give me help with a poppy/kratom addiction. I have found that I have an extremely strong reaction to small doses, I get tracers at 300mg and at 600mg the walls start moving.

So I keep the doses  low, especially during the work week.  I’ve been taking about 100mg of root bark each day, usually in the morning. I’m pleased with the results so far, I’ve successfully tapered and been clean for 5 days.

Long meditations and honest self-reflections every evening are at the center of my recovery. I’m determined to reprogram my brain.

I’ve been reading  “The Ego Tunnel: The Science of the Mind and the Myth of the Self” by Thomas Metzinger.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Ego-Tunnel-Science-ebook/dp/B0097DHVGW/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

I’m at a place in the book where he’s deconstructing the various layered processes of neurological functioning that combine to make up the self. There’s the layer that perceives the objects around you, a layer that connects the immediate present to the immediate future, the layer that forms the awareness of your position in space, layers that analyze, layers that process and integrate the limbic system……. and the list goes on.

This gave me an inspiration for a meditation. I put on my headphones……music on and lights out……..and began to visualize these layers of consciousness , then I began to isolate them individually and examine each one.  I was feeling the rhythms and oscillations of the neurons and synapses as I glided along the surface of each layer.

Then I went down another layer and felt a jolt of pain that was almost physical. The layer that integrates emotional states with the self was paralyzed with fear. This fear was not a new or recent thing. It went back a long time. And it was fear, not pain- which was a surprise twist. The energy in that layer did not move freely and spontaneously. It was blocked and twisted, and pressures built up and exploded. I tried to rally the  healthy  layers of self to send positive energy as I began to explore the blockages. I got one block at least partially released via a strong sense memory.

Then self-awareness kicked in and I began to document the narrative in my head instead of experiencing it, so I cut the mediation short and went to write it out.

I was not expecting such a productive meditation session since my microdoses have been really low for the past few days, I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping so I cut back to 75mg of root bark  a few days ago.

I’m going to try this one again over the weekend with a 500mg root bark microdose , it could be interesting.

[Miss Demeanour]

Hi,

that sounds awesome, congrats on the success with reprogramming your head! I'm doing similar things, have been off the rb for two weeks now but starting dosing again this weekend, with a plan for the things I'd like to change.

That book looks very interesting, I'll see if I can get hold of it.

[kbud]

now that is quite a micro dose experience. that is quite a small amount compared to what I do on a daily basis. thanks for sharing your insights ..good stuff. It sounds like your moving along nicely. I love that song Alexander Lost...beautiful. looking forward to your thoughts with the dose increase!

[Calaquendi]

Hi Alexandra Lost!

A very detailed and interesting thread you've posted, I enjoyed reading of your experiences. Your honesty and commitment to your recovery are potent elements and stand out as solid examples of self discipline and wherewithal. Good vibes, strong and contagious!

You are a gifted transcriber of subjective experience, I appreciate the knack, and it feels refreshing to read your insights.

It seems you have an above average sensitivity to the material, or -  it could be that you have just acquired substantially wicked root bark; though unless you paid out the wazoo and have the best kept secret [vendor], it's more likely you are working with the 'typical/standard' commercial root bark that most of us encounter 

I am curious to know how long you microdose (consecutive daily dosing) and if you discontinue for a period once you present unwanted or uncomfortable side-effects  [e.g. your mention of acute insomnia] - and when would you deem it appropriate to reinstate MD'ing...

I like your meticulous style, it is always a welcome response and a valuable addition to the forums when members take copious notes and share intimate details thus. I am glad to say, I dig it.

Hoping my stale sense of humor resonates with your detailed acumen - I welcome you aboard, and thank you for sharing ~Cal

[DiamondHeart]

Wow Alexandra - talk about hitting the ground running! Great stuff!

Congrats on all your amazing discoveries and insights - you're on a roll!

Please keep us posted (literally) on how this goes. Will have to check into this myself.

[lightswitchedon]

Then I went down another layer and felt a jolt of pain that was almost physical. The layer that integrates emotional states with the self was paralyzed with fear. This fear was not a new or recent thing. It went back a long time. And it was fear, not pain- which was a surprise twist. The energy in that layer did not move freely and spontaneously. It was blocked and twisted, and pressures built up and exploded. I tried to rally the  healthy  layers of self to send positive energy as I began to explore the blockages. I got one block at least partially released via a strong sense memory.

Wow....I find this to be very intriguing.  I can definitely feel this almost crystallized fear that goes back a long time.  It tries to masquerade as the self, but it's really an imposter self....does that seem at all right?

I think it is time for me to microdose again.  It seems a little overdue anyway.  Thanks for the inspiration and keep up the positive efforts!

[Alexandra Lost]

I am still working out the dosing regimen.  For the first 4 or 5 days I took a 300mg cap per day and I felt the effects building. So I stopped for a day then went to a 50mg a day a dose for 3-4 days, then built the dose back up to 100mg a day and kept it there for about a week. On Friday I dropped way back again to less than 50mg a day for 2 days then 75mg a day for two days. This is the point where the meditation I described occurred.

I don’t have a “wicked good source”, I get my RB from the same place I’m sure all the other US residents here get theirs.  I DO have a documented hypersensitivity to SSRI meds and some medications.
 
I learned how to micro dose with Prozac.

Because of my sensitivity, my doctor prescribed a liquid Prozac formulation and for several years I took anywhere from 3mg to 13 mg a day. These are incredibly low doses, the usual starting dose is 20mg a day and most patients use 40mg to 80mg.  Prozac has a very long half, much like the RB and I learned to sense how much I needed per day to maintain a constant level.

I guess that the one thing I’m doing different from most micro-dosers is that I haven’t really been taking days off, instead I drop down to less than 50mg a day which is practically nothing. It’s a little smoother that way.
I feel  I am lucky or blessed with the progress I’ve made so far but I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that this will be easy. I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do.

[Alexandra Lost]

There is a “Part 2” to the Meditation Story

So last night, after I cut the meditation short and posted the story, I was relaxing with a book and some ice cream, shaking off the experience so I could go to sleep.

But I wasn’t done yet.  I felt something pushing back from inside, from that place where the fear was hiding. I felt like something was about to burst forth from the solar plexus, Alien style.

So I turned the lights back off, put on the music, and went in again.

The  small part of the fear that I had started to work on had to do with my dynamic with my sister, my crazy beautiful promiscuous bipolar multi-drug abusing dead sister……who felt every feeling, every emotion with an intensity 10 times stronger than anyone else did. I saw how the years that I had watched her emotions torture her affected me……..I lived side by side with this POWER and was scared it could happen to me, that I would lose myself in the torrents and currents of my own limbic system.

Then I came back out………

And I slept really well.

I still have so much work to do and I’m sure there are other issues that will come forward as I progress, but I have a good starting point now.

[kbud]

that's some great insight. you seem to be benefitting really nicely with your md regimen. great stuff!

[Calaquendi]

Wow, thank you for the clarifications and detail - you've really put alot in to this work I am glad to see you benefiting from your labors 

Quite interesting about your SSRI prescription, this is the first time I have heard of anyone being prescribed a liquid Prozac and I am kind of surprised that someone found a doctor who'd utilize unconventional protocols where anti depressants are concerned. I am a bit cynical in my response to most allopathic medicine and procedure - so much is geared toward 'bottom-line' profits that ethics seem to be an afterthought, or something brought up only when malpractice insurers pitch a sale to physicians.

It is always refreshing to learn of someone's doctor actually spending real TIME with their patient and something like your experience, where they think outside the box and still adhere to medicinal indications, kind of blows me away. This is just so far from much of my own experiences.

Great thread with abundant information, this is awesome microdosing cataloging, thank you!

[Alexandra Lost]

One week down………..no opiates, kratom or SSRI’s.

To anyone using iboga as an aid to a taper I highly recommend getting the taper with over as soon as possible. The Wood is much clearer when it is not fighting with other substances.

I’ve been refining my mindwork techniques, I think it describes the process better than “meditation”.

The model of isolating the various layers of consciousness and then working on them one at a time is a good one for me.
I start by putting on my headphones, turning down the lights and listening to music. Not mediation music, not tribal music ……. classical doesn’t work for me either. I usually build a playlist of lyrical ballads for my lengthy evening sessions, but if my energy is down or I want a quick energizing morning session I might go for reggae or even rock.

I start by relaxing and just listening to the music, tuning in the higher (ego) layers of consciousness into the songs. Then I move down, letting the music “babysit” the ego layers so they stay out of my way while I work. The next layer is usually the autobiographical memory layer – I’ll bask a little while in the memories evoked by the songs then move down deeper.

I can’t define a  fixed hierarchy  of these layers at this point in time. For  the last few sessions the next layer I've been working on is that of will, or motivation……the layer that compels the higher layers to think or take action. This is an important one because I’ve always used drugs as a motivating force so I need to find a different path.

Then I go deeper, down to the complex, fragmented places inhabited by damaged pieces of my inner self and I find those pieces, examine them, reassure them and try to heal them.

This is where the healing powers of the wood come into play, the roots nurtured in the ground of the place that is the cradle of life. Co-evolution is a beautiful thing.

Then I work my way back up. The cycle takes 15 to 20 minutes.  I repeat several times, my average evening session lasts about 2 hours. Last night I took a 600mg dose of RB  before I started and did a double session – 4 hours-  with one planned break in the middle ( and one unplanned break when I fumbled in the dark and knocked the water pipe on the carpet  ?

If you had asked me two weeks ago I would’ve probably insisted that my problems all originated within the past 12 years and I would’ve thrown most of the blame on the external triggers.  I am just now beginning to recognize how deep and long lasting my addiction is. I wrote in another thread about how I was engaging in drug seeking behavior at a very young age-  before I even started taking drugs- and  I have isolated a particular incident that happened when I was 9 that gave birth to the addict inside my head .  This incident was so long ago I’m not sure that I have the details correct, but perception is not only reality but it’s the ONLY reality. Understanding this is a powerful tool for effecting change.  The image of the addict inside my head as my damaged 9 year old self is compelling and relatable image.

Still working out the microdosing schedule and trying to fix it into my conventional work week schedule. I’m going to try taking a strong dose on Friday nights – maybe up to one gram, a few days off, then booster doses of 50mg to 150mg until the next Friday.

And lastly:
While iboga is a powerful  tool no one should ever use a powerful  tool without checking out a user’s manual first.  I think this group and the knowledge I have gained here is more important  to my recovery than the iboga itself and I thank all of you.
And thanks to all of you for reading this.

 I’m not really used to writing about myself to this extent and I’m still not totally comfortable with it, it seems a little self-centered somehow.  But writing lends cohesion to my thoughts and clears my head……..so thanks again for listening.

[kbud]

sounds great! I feel the kratom is behind me. I figured out the reason I was so highly agitated last Sunday was from taking some supplement caps. (alpha brain stuff) to close to my micro dosing. so I'm back on track. I've been meditating 3xs daily for the week, and will continue until going back to work. I feel so grateful to have this forum. Do you like that book your reading. (I'm a big reader)

[RhythmSpring]

Alexandra, your writing about your experience is inspiring. It's reminding me that a) it's worth it to go inside (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQNksQZlIe4 - that kind of going inside) and b) that one *can* go that deep without needing flood doses of iboga or any psychedelic for that matter.

I also noticed that my first Iboga experience tapped my writing muse (my trip report was LONG-ass). If it feels good for you to say, it feels good for people to hear. Thank you.

To slightly derail/piggyback the thread, I have 1g of Iboga TA that I want to split up into microdoses. Does anyone know how to do this? I know RB is the usual protocol...

[DiamondHeart]

 I’m not really used to writing about myself to this extent and I’m still not totally comfortable with it, it seems a little self-centered somehow.  But writing lends cohesion to my thoughts and clears my head……..so thanks again for listening.

Nothing self centered about this - you are sharing some valuable and very interesting insights/experiences and many many others before you have discovered the importance of writing down and documenting the experience - please don't underestimate the value of doing this - just imagine how great its going to be for you to go back and read all this some time in the future.

Can you say a little more about how you find the different layers and go from one to the next?

[Alexandra Lost]

Kbud, .........so good to hear from you, I’ve been wondering how you’re doing and glad to hear that you're progressing.

Yes, I’m still reading the Metzinger book. It’s fascinating, but it’s not an easy read, I find myself reading each page several times until I get it. I’m a huge reader though and I always have at least two books, ( a fiction and a non-fiction ) in progress at any given time, sometimes more.

There is a science fiction novel based on Metzinger’s theories that I highly recommend – Blindsight, by Peter Watts.  It’s the story of a space mission undertaken by a group of people with very unusual brains and as a bonus it features the coolest vampires ever ( an ancient extinct race restored by cloning) whose brains work very differently from human brains. It's not just a space story but a fascinating exploration of how our brains work.

This book is also the source of my most favorite non-sequiter of a quote ever…… “Vampires can’t go to Heaven. They’d see the pixels”.

entheo-newbie
The layering process is hard for me to describe, in large part because I need to tune out and turn off the layer of the brain that narrates in order to do this experientially.
 
But here it goes, my attempt to "eff the ineffable", as it were.

The highest levels are the areas of decision making, critical thinking and narration – that little voice in your head that narrates your life as it’s lived.  These are the levels I try to put aside and get below.

Then there are the layers of autobiographical memory and "future modeling" or as I call them "remembrance and imagination". An exploration of these levels can give you direction for the rest of the exercise, but then you need to go below. I have found that I grieve for lost possibilities and I find them at this level.

Below that there is a level that you need for the mind-work and it needs to be isolated from the levels above. That is the level known as attentional agency, which is the part of the brain that drives the direction of your thoughts and aims the concentration – you need this one in order to move around the other layers. Nearby in the hierarchy is the motivational layer, the layer that compels the upper layers to act. I’m still working on trying to place this one exactly and access it, it’s an important one for the mind-work but I’m having a little trouble placing it exactly and accessing it.

The layers below that are the layer that connects your body to its position in space and the layer of ownership, the sense that your body belongs to YOU.  These are fun to surf around in and very relaxing…….lie still and tune out everything but the position of your body in space, then after a time add in the ownership layer and make that body YOURS. Then go back and forth between the two. After a time, go lower.

I’m still working out the lower layers, the ones that connect to emotions and feelings. I’m sure you’ve heard of multiple personality disorder, when parts of the self split off into separate and distinct sub-personalities, usually in response to extreme abuse in early childhood.  A minor version of this happens to all of us. Events that we have trouble processing can cause us to split off  little pieces of ourselves as a coping mechanism and the trick is to connect to these events, find these pieces and heal and reintegrate them.

The purpose of this whole exercise is to develop a representational self-model of your  brain that you can use as a workspace for self-healing. This model resonates with me because of my interest in neuroscience and the evolution of consciousness but there may be a completely different model that works for you.

And some sessions are better than others, you’re not going to make progress during every session. Sometimes, especially in the night or two after a productive session or when my iboga levels are low, I don’t get much past the “listening to music” stage. You can’t rush the process but you also need to keep in mind that a persistent reluctance to go to the lower levels may indicate that you are close to a breakthrough and you might need to push a little.