Topic: Microdose Meditation

[Alexandra Lost]

I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing really well. So well in fact that it's been hard to keep the ego part of the brain from taking off and getting away from itself.... positive feedback loops are kicking in strong. So I'm trying as much as possible, to stop analyzing and documenting and just concentrate on BEING....................................

Peace and thanks for helping me rescue myself.

[kbud]

that's wonderful. I too am in the mode of just being. It's a pretty powerful state of being if you can just stay in that state. glad to hear everything is going well! are you still micro dosing?

[RhythmSpring]

When in doubt, do nothing. Positive feedback loops require your input to exist. Resistance is futile and counterproductive. Do Nothing about it.

[Alexandra Lost]

 Yes, I'm still microdosing. As I'm feeling it out I'm finding that less is more, anything over 200mg is wasted in terms of effect. I suspect my serotonin sensitivity is responsible for that but it's a good thing, larger effect with fewer side effects.

The positive feedback loops are a good thing, just too much of a good thing at this point. Let's just say some people are pretty impressed with the new me and are not shy about letting me know. I REALLY  don't need people looking up to me as a spiritual role model, it's still early---- I am only 2 weeks clean.

I am taking Advil for low grade headaches and muscle aches which are caused by the Prozac withdrawal, I think. And I broke down and got some melatonin because I was having sleep issues (this may be the iboga or it may be residual poppy pod withdrawal)) ...that was the hardest part every time I tried to quit the pods.

It's not a "tossing and turning" sleeplessness, I licked that years ago with visualization techniques and I can ALWAYS get to sleep. But I was waking up at 3AM or so with no desire to get back to sleep and I was feeling it during the day. A quick shot of this yummy peppermint melatonin spray seems to do the trick.

I really dislike taking even these medicines because I'm trying to break the habit of reaching for a pill to feel better but I had a difficult week last week and needed my sleep.

[Calaquendi]

When in doubt, do nothing. Positive feedback loops require your input to exist. Resistance is futile and counterproductive. Do Nothing about it.

BANG!!! Very nice, well said Rhythm!

[Calaquendi]

Yes, I'm still microdosing. As I'm feeling it out I'm finding that less is more...

I am glad to read this Alexandra, I think that we each must find this out ourselves, and dialing in a specific MD protocol can be tricky - sounds like you are getting the hang of it!

I REALLY  don't need people looking up to me as a spiritual role model, it's still early---- I am only 2 weeks clean.

Having others put you up on a pedestal isn't fair to you OR to them, because when you inevitably disclose any symptom(s) of your humanity, now what? Well... now you aren't 'who we thought you were' - or any number of identical and unreasonable presumptions. It is a difficult spot and not enviable. I have followed your posts with interest, and find that I am myself quite intrigued by the strength and confidence you exude - just from your writings and in the brief time you have been here with us, I can see that you shoulder a lot  of responsibility and those close to you seem to ever look your way for counsel and other help. So it does not surprise me that this would be a common disposition for any friends/loved ones of yours to embrace. The irony, as I see it (which could be totally wrong - for the record) is that it's the unsavory duty of the individual who's been placed on the pedestal - to comfort those people who are shocked and awed when you 'fall off' the very heights that you were never really on to begin with...that sounds crazy. But I think it might not be, I have seen such phenomena and though they make for interesting experiments in sociology, I find no practical use therein and I have small patience for stuff that I can't squeeze at least some humor from.

Stay strong, and please continue to share! Thanks for being here. 

[Alexandra Lost]

A progress report, as it were, after 4 weeks clean of kratom, poppies and psych meds.

I am still working the meditations and I find that I need to evolve the techniques or else they become routine aqnd lose effectiveness.  I have become intrigued by the mechanisms by which our self-models expand to encompass inanimate objects. This is a necessary function of being human, without this capacity we wouldn’t be able to use a fork, much less drive a car.

But it is vitally important that we learn to release these objects from our self-models when we are done with them or they will distort our self-images permanently.  It is a sickness in our society that so many peoples self-images and , by extension, their self-worth, gets tangled up with their possessions.  I try to spend 10 minutes or so of my meditation time cleaning my self-model of external items….it’s very healing and goes to the Zen concept of eliminating attachment.

The meditation sessions are not as long as they were when I first started, mostly because I get to the places I need to be much faster than I did when I started. Instead of a single 2 hour session daily I’m usually doing 2 or 3 sessions of 30 minutes to an hour each. I’m still finding, recognizing and working out childhood incidents and correlating them to my day to day feelings. About 8 years ago I did 6 months worth of twice a week talk therapy and I didn’t come anywhere close to making the sort of progress I achieved in just the first week of iboga guided mediations.

And I’m working the hard, day to day stuff as well. I’m taking yoga classes and I’ve joined the global awareness and women’s issue discussion groups sponsored by the yoga studio. It’s kind of a carrot and stick arrangement. The yoga classes are extremely difficult for me (but getting easier each time)  and I’m tempted to skip them sometimes but I LOVE the community groups and would be too embarrassed to show up if I wasn’t taking the classes, so it works out.

The short summary………….Jeez, I can’t believe this crap works but it REALLY does.

[Alexandra Lost]

My 2 month update

I’m on sort of a microdosing break, I’ll still take maybe 300mg once a week for a deepened meditation but that’s all. I haven’t taken any kratom, opiates or psychiatric meds and I feel “invested” in staying clean…there was one night about a month ago ( I think this was when the SSRI’s finally wore off ) when I felt dog sick for a couple of hours, every muscle ached and I was nauseous and throwing up and I knew a couple of TY3’s would’ve made it better but I didn’t because I didn’t want to have to reset that countdown clock.
I’m doing twice weekly yoga, daily meditations and I’m making new friends. I’ve pretty much turned off the TV except for 30 minutes of network news a day and my 7AM “My Name is Earl” reruns. My yoga studio has a spiritual bent and offers a lot of discussion groups and workshops. I’m going to take a Chakra workshop next month and I’m going to a retreat in Costa Rica with them in November.

I’ve come up with some new meditations to mix things up a little bit.

The DNA Meditation

Did you know if the all the DNA in your body was unfurled and stretched from end to end it would reach to Pluto and back?? This little tidbit gave me the inspiration for the DNA meditation. It’s a cool meditation because it’s freeform and you can do a 15 minute version or a version that lasts for hours. Some times I just do one of the 4 parts and give it more time, last night I spent about an hour with part 4.

Part One
Visualize the DNA in your body unraveling from your little finger and let it wrap itself around the earth like a ball of yarn. Broadcast yourself to the world and let the world know who you are. Absorb the earth as it absorbs you. Then focus in on parts of the world. Broadcast yourself to the oceans and become one with them.
You can keep going with this almost infinitely. Become one with the deserts of the Southwest US. Become one with the Caribbean beaches. Become one with the polar icecaps. Become one with the South American jungles. The African savannahs. The Norwegian fjords.
Then pull your DNA back in and reassemble yourself. Take a few minutes to absorb how you have changed the world and been forever changed by the world.

Part Two

Visualize the unraveling process again and wrap the world again. This time become one with the living creatures of the world. Comingle your DNA with theirs and become one with all – then, as before, narrow in on parts of the world. Become one with the people in the large cities and broadcast yourself to them. Become one with the animals of the forest and become one with them. Become one with the African tribal peoples. Become one with the animals of the jungles. Become one with the creatures of the oceans. Keep going as long as you can.
Then pull your DNA back in and reassemble yourself. Take some time to absorb how you have changed the creatures of world and been forever changed by them.

Part Three

Visualize yourself standing on top of this world that you have now become one with. Unravel your DNA in a straight line into space. Become one with each of the planets and broadcast yourself to them. Become one with the asteroid belt and the emptiness of space. Keep going as long as you can. End this section by becoming one with the sun, the engine of all life on earth.
Then pull your DNA back in and reassemble yourself. Take a few minutes to absorb how you have changed universe and been forever changed by the universe.

Part Four
Unravel yourself into the metaspace of universal consciousness and become one with all things and events past present and future. You can go really freeform on this section, broadcast yourself to and become one with events from your past, historical events and characters, your ancestors, every feeling ever felt, every laugh ever laughed, every tear ever shed.
Then pull your DNA back in and reassemble yourself. Take some time to absorb how you have changed the world and been forever changed by the world.

You basically just have to time this one out for yourself every time you do it, as you can tell you can do a limited 15 minute version or, if you are in the right headspace, this can last all evening and into the night.

It’s About Forgiveness

At one point while microdosing I got the Don Henley song “Heart of the Matter” stuck in my head and took it to heart, so to speak.

This lead to my “forgiveness” meditations, which consist of simply mentally replaying and rewriting events from your past and imagining changing the outcome by acting with compassion and forgiveness.

The inspiration for this one was , believe it or not, the movie Hamlet 2 which is a comedy. A high school teacher decides to produce a sequel to Hamlet but is faced with the problem of everyone dying at the end of the first play. The solution….time machine !!
So in this amusing sequel to Hamlet, Hamlet goes back in time, finds Jesus and then runs through his life and changes everything, knocking the poison out of Gertrude’s hand, forgiving his uncle, marrying Ophelia. Even though the movie is a comedy I found this “play within a play” deeply moving.

And in searching the whole wide world of the internet and You Tube, I haven’t been able to find this particular clip or I’d post it. I may have to buy the movie on NetFlix to refresh my memory since it’s been a while since I’ve seen it.

[kbud]

nice meditation Alexandra... sorry to say I haven't done as well as you. got back into the kratom little by little. I just wasn't feeling well enough fast enough.. typical addict response. soooo.. I need to get some more RB and try to again clear myself. I'm disappointed in myself but, beating myself up will do nothing to help. wish me luck!

[Alexandra Lost]

It's not too late to quit again, kbud. It hasn't been that long so you probably won't experience much in the way of withdrawals.

Again, I'm going to suggest that you throw everything away when you quit. This is an especially good tip for stuff like poppy pods and kratom that you can't get your hands on right away...when you slip it's because you want to get how NOW, not 2 days from now.

I "quit" several times before I really quit. I think of it now as "testing the waters" and it's a part of the process. I went through the same process before I quit drinking for good in 1993. When you are ready to quit for good it'll feel different and you will know it.

[kbud]

thanks for your thoughts...yes. for some reason I look at kratom as not as "bad" as other drugs, so I think of it as silly of me to have to go to lengths like getting rid of it a little dramatic. I think I'd like to say I'm ready to let it go , but the truth is I obviously am holding out on some front. It's a bit frustrating but I am again in the weaning process. I've quit so many other things I feel I know the ropes with the process. I know if I really felt deeply I wanted to quit I would. I did a small bit of RB yesterday and breezed right through the day. on one hand I think focusing on something makes it bigger, so I try not to dwell on my addictive quality's...this has been a lifetime battle with me. I almost think it's become a part of my idenity because I believed into existence, you know if you think something about yourself for so long ,it can't help but to materialize for you. It certainly is a process! I do know deep down.. I've got this. I'll do this ...I can feel it.  ( again thanks for your support )