Author Topic: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt  (Read 10677 times)

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Offline Eon T McKnight

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Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« on: August 14, 2013, 05:11:16 PM »
I am availing myself of this wonderful forum to learn about myself, my present and past, and to overcome the barriers surrounding me  --  barriers that are keeping me from happiness.  I have found that putting the drek that swirls through my demented brain into some semblance of order by attempting to describe it via the written word helps me to understand and overcome.

I have been trapped like a rat in a trap that is partly, but not entirely, of my own making ever since birth.  It is a very lonely place.  Time has come for me to escape.  Regardless of the consequences to myself, that is exactly what i am going to do.  I hope that no one else gets hurt  --  it is certainly NOT my intention to hurt anyone, including myself.

I have been depressed since the age of five, when my adoptive parents first began lying to me about my biological parents.  My first thoughts of suicide occurred at age 19.  There are enough blatantly obvious and 'conventionsl' causes of these unhappy mental states to fill chapters of textbooks on abnormal psychology and childhood development, but i have come to believe that there is much more.  Much, much more.

Turns out that the frequently repeated heroic doses of extremely powerful mind-altering substances has enabled me to achieve insights far surpassing anything i could otherwise possibly imagine.  Yes, indeed, my courageous and valiant efforts have had results.  Sadly, those results came with a price.  Professional self-diagnosis has unquestionably revealed that i have become affected with a hitherto unknown version of Tourette's Syndrome:  Tourettes of the imagination.  It's just like the plain vanilla Tourettes you are familiar with except i scream obscenities silently.  Off-colorful, obscenly obscene and nightmarish visions are impulsively and uncontrollably shouted soundlessly in my tortured drug-addled brain, sorta like a Walt Disney cartoon on steroids smoking a mixture of crack, meth and freebase mescaline.

CAUTIONARY DISCLAIMER FROM OUR OVERPAID FUKWITS IN THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT:  These bizarre concepts were conceived by a professional, certified, licensed and bonded wakko on an imaginary and infinite field of strawberries.  Kidz, don't try this at home. That's my disclaimer.  Continue at your own risk.  Don't say i didn't tell ya  --  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

[FLASHBACK]

A young man on his first visit to Mexico meets some very strange and interesting people who tell him some very strange and interesting things.  But, something far more strange and interesting than anything he had seen or imagined before  --  stranger and more interesting than anything he has seen since, for that matter  --  was the vision of divine beauty, the vision loveliness beyond compare, the vision that indelibly branded his mind, his heart, and his soul.  Seeing her for the first time left him in a state of wonder, amazement, confusion, bliss and mental states that remain indescribable to this day.

Yeah, yeah, that young man was me.

A blond haired, blue-eyed gringa, Betty, and a couple other people were there to help me understand what my paralysed brain could not.  They were there to tell me things that would have probably never been discovered on my own.

{more later}
« Last Edit: August 23, 2013, 05:40:21 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Iboga Panacea

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Quite fascinating in living up to your Chuang Tzu mixed with Hunter S. Thompson style, not to be cliche as I'm sure you've heard that. 

But, do you believe it is a fact that everyone can heal (is my dogmatic unmoveable belief system) or are you lamenting that you cannot?  With so much wisdom it is a shame that you're not more consistently present.  Sometimes the in's and out's here could be related, or so I have speculated. 

Regards,
K

Offline Eon T McKnight

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{A few words from the author to the most highly esteemed Kampum...}

Chuang Tzu!  My hero!  You honor me lavishly!

Gonzo spirituality?!?  Ja mon!

Yes, we all can heal.  All of us.  Perfect health  --  mental, emotional, physical  --  and enlightenment are awaiting each of us at our common destination.

It has taken a long time (way too long, in my mind) to figure out what has been causing me pain and problems.  But now, i believe that i have a handle on what and why.  Moving out of the shadow into the glorious sunlight will not take near so long, i fervently believe.

Damn well better not!

Confronting, understanding and accepting what i have been hiding from is what will do it.  Opening the door to the truth, here on the forum and elsewhere, is the cure.  That is something i sincerely believe.

Thanks for your comments & glad to meet you, Kampum.  You will be getting boatloads of my 'presence' until i have been able to vomit forth all the insanity roiling in my gut begging for liberation.

Best stock up on anti-emetics if you plan on following this tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  I'd hate to be responsible for any damage to your keyboard!

BTW, my posts will be choppy 'cause i have to use library and other public computers where time is limited.  Please accept my apologies on that score.

Now, back to my tale...

{Break's over, back to work!}

Betty was perhaps 15 or 20 years my senior.  There was something about her, something unmistakable, that communicated her knowledge, wisdom and trustworthiness.  That was a good thing, because what she told me, verbally and telepathically, was (and still is) incredible.

Betty told me that the divinely beautiful girl  --  that vision of loveliness which had captured my heart and left me stunned  --  had been my close friend, partner and lover in several of our previous incarnations.  Along with that, we had also been siblings, each other's parents, and more in a wide spectrum of possible relationships.  Incredible indeed!  But not so incredible to prevent me from swallowing it all greedily, like a man dying of thirst unexpectedly given a tall, cool glass of cool, pure, sparkling water.

Betty said that we (the thrilling girl with hypnotic brown eyes and myself) have purposefully incarnated together for two reasons.  One is to be partners in work of a spiritual nature that will benefit many others.  The other purpose is to renew our friendship and love.  We would soon part, but our destiny would lead us to be reunited.  Our DESTINY!

It is my freakin' DESTINY to be with the most gorgeous, sweetest woman in the world?  And we are going to be partners in a humanitarian task?

Holy freakin' cow!  There could be nothing more wonderful!  The hook had been baited with those things i desire most.  Without hesitation or second thoughts, i swallowed that hook, the line, the sinker, the bobber and started in on the rod and reel.  How absolutely, totally, fantastically freakin' WONDERFUL!

She also told me some stuff about one of my previous incarnations.  She told me that i had been highly developed, spiritually, and that i had been a teacher and a healer.  I didn't give a shit.  When i wasn't luxuriating in the glow of love i was fantasizing about the kool things i would be doing with my new, beloved partner.

When we were introduced, i could not speak.  I could not think.  I could not move.  I could not remember her name.  It wasn't until many years had passed  --  until one year ago, to be precise  --  that i could retrieve the memory that had been hiding, that had been waiting for the right time.

Her name is Eva.

Hi, Eva!  I love you!

{Gotta stop again, this time 'cause a tsunami of salty water threatens to inundate the keyboard.  I will return!}

« Last Edit: August 23, 2013, 05:46:21 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Iboga Panacea

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Quote
Thanks for your comments & glad to meet you, Kampum.  You will be getting boatloads of my 'presence' until i am able to vomit forth all the insanity roiling in my gut that is begging for liberation.

That would be wonderful although I suggest you at least entertain the idea of writing a book so others can enjoy as much as we get the opportunity to.  I just like changing my name, same as Iboga Panacea, Ibogahuasca Panacea and then Kambogahuasca Panacea now is just Kampum maybe eventually can be the healer known as ___ with an asterix as my symbolic gesture. 

What's really amazing is your writing style is incredibly coherent while being off the wall creative, on the verge of madness while staying on a teetering ledge of sanity.  I've always liked it, and now with a view that this forum seems to be more and more about forumatic therapy than even on our chief sacrament. 

Offline kbud

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yes.. written beautifully..I'm in hook,line and sinker.

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Oh yeah, Betty also said that it is our destiny to have a supremely satisfying and fulfilling lifelong partnership helping others.  Kool, huh?

It became my expectation that i would soon be contacted and helped by spiritually adept cognoscenti who would spare no effort to unite me with the love of my life, just like Betty did.  Bliss!  Bliss!  Ecstasy and more bliss ! ! !
 
<ASIDE>

Gonna start doing HTML-ish conventions for comments and shite like that.

</ASIDE>

<AUTHOR'S EXPLANATION>

They start with a KEYWORD inside <> and end with </KEYWORD>

Easy peasey, huh?

</AUTHOR'S EXPLANATION>

     <MORE KRAP FROM WAKKY AUTHOR>

     What could be easier?  Wanna see me do it again?

          <HATETODISAPPOINTYOU>

          But, i be gettin' tired of dis

               <CAUTIONROBUSTLANGUAGE>

               fukkin shite!

              </CAUTIONROBUSTLANGUAGE>

          </HATETODISAPPOINTYOU>

    <EXPLANATION>

     Yeah, i feelin' good.  Back on MAOIs.  Gonna have a bed and food for 90 days if needed.  I'll be back in Mexico bfore then or burst.  So, i was capable of putting my maniacal obsession on hold for long enough to download some music.  Rock 'n' roll therapy really rocks!

     And, us criminally impoverished can get four hours instead of two per day on the computers at the delightfully air conditioned library.  Hence, i will be able to spill my guts twice as fast  --  and be kneeling in front of my beloved begging for forgiveness soon, soon, soon.  But wait, i'm gettin' exuberantly ahead of myself...

     </EXPLANATION>

</MORE KRAP FROM WAKKY AUTHOR>

Oopsie, seems my expectations were a little  --  no, not a little, a whole huge freakin' massive ammount  --  optimistic.   Fukkin hell and damnation!
« Last Edit: August 23, 2013, 05:53:29 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2013, 07:46:11 PM »
Hiya boyz & girlz.  I been havin' a difficult day.  I was sittin' there smokin' a big fat snipe and talking' to myself, as is the wont of us homeless indigent impoverished tramps, when this homeless indigent impoverished bum walks up talking to hisself.  Admittedly, i started the exhange which, remorsefully, came to blows.
 
[Homeless Indigent Impoverished Tramp]  "Hey, fukwit, you deef or something?  Didn't yo' mamma teach you no manners?  I be talkin' to mysef an' you be interruptin'.  Shut the fuk up!"
 
[Homeless Indigent Impoverished Bum]  "Blow me, asshole!"

[Homeless Indigent Impoverished Tramp]  "Yeah, right after you blow me, dikwad!"

Just when it was gettin' really ugly, we started laughing and gave each other the secret hobo handshake.  His name is bugman 'cause he always wears a bug net over his head.  He's my buddy.  We're both krazy.

Anyway, today is far far better than yesterday, when i spent hours comin' up with refinements for my impending suicide.  Thin, twisted, galvanized steel wire is reasonably priced and would help assure that i am decapitated  --  don't want to end up paralyzed in a wheelchair or twistin' and jerkin' in the breeze waitin' to asphyxiate 'cause my neck didn't break.
 
One of my true delusions is that i am trapped in a nightmarish, stoopid, idiotic, totally and absolutely ridiculous parody of an unwinable video game that is like a stoopid, idiotic nightmare that is impossible to win.

Am i making myself clear?  Do you want me to repeat that?

But, fortunately, i have the key to escape this delusional, imaginary unreality that is not real.  Actually, i have two keys.

Since it is an obvious, verifiable and incontestable fact that not only are all of you highly esteemed forum buddies are reformed former hopelessly, incurably, chronic, lifelong, eternal drug addicts, but you're also unreformed current hopelessly, incurably, chronic, lifelong, eternal, perverted, twisted, incorrigible, depraved and demented sex addicts, too.  Come on now, don't deny it.  Everyone knows it's true  --  you ain't foolin' no one.  These are two obvious, verifiable and incontestable facts and not just more of my delusional delusions.

Right?  Am i making myself crystal clear?  Do you want me to repeat that?  Under oath with my hand on the Tao Te Ching?

So, since you're undeniably that way, you know what a 'safe word' is and certainly have a favorite that you use all the time.  I, too, have a safe word that will enable me to free myself of this delusional nightmarish, stoopid, idiotic, totally and absolutely ridiculous parody of an unwinable video game that is like a stoopid, idiotic nightmare where it is impossible to awaken.

I also have a 'safe signal' for the numerous multitudes of times when i am unable to speak my safe word  --  like when the excruciatingly beautiful and implacable mistress to whom i am a lowly, pathetic thrall commands me to to insert the ball-gag into my mouth thereby rendering me incapable of verbalizing those annoying pleas for mercy and orgasmic relief that accompany the torment i so richly deserve and  am hopelessly, incurably, chronically addicted to as she compassionately and lovingly inflicts the torturous and cruel torment and torture i crave like an addict.

Please let me know if any of that is unclear.   Do you want me to repeat that?  I will be glad to repeat it over-and-over again repeatedly many times, if clarification is necessary to clarify it clearly.

Got it?

Sorry, but i can't tell you the secret safe word because it's a secret.  Similarly, i can't show you the secret safe signal 'cause it's a secret, too.  (That and because you would only be able to see it if you were dressed in skin-tight black shiny latex in a dungeon watching the torturous and cruel torment and torture i crave and so richly deserve while the excruciatingly beautiful and implacable mistress to whom i am a lowly, pathetic thrall administers the  perverted, twisted, depraved and demented bizarre torturous and cruel torment and torture i crave like an addict an am addicted to.)

(If you guessed saying "Rumpelstiltskin" and "flapping my arms like a headless chicken" you're way off.)

(But, i'll never divulge the truth.)

('Cause they're secrets that only Eva and i know.)

(You'd have to be able to read my mind, which we all know to be an impossibility.)

Yeah, i've been doing way too much meth trying to figure out how to win this delusional nightmarish, stoopid, idiotic, totally and absolutely ridiculous parody of an unwinable video game that is like a stoopid, idiotic nightmare that is impossible to awaken from.

Can ya tell?

Time has come to move on.

There ya have it.

Game Over.  Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt.  Please ? ! ?

Yer Humble Savant,  Eon.

 
PS  --  Am i making myself clear?  Do you want me to redudantly repeat myself over-and-over again until you understand?  Got any meth?  ~et
« Last Edit: August 24, 2013, 12:30:57 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Iboga Panacea

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2013, 07:50:24 PM »
Quote
PS  --  Am i making myself clear?  Do you want me to redudantly repeat myself over-and-over again until you understand?

It's more entertaining IMO, if you don't make it clear.  Which is the beauty of any Taoist prose or Sufi poetry, the interpretation has numerous endings. 

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2013, 08:03:46 PM »
Dadburn it, Kampum!  I was really counting on someone to ask me to clarify that  --  so i could repeat myself over-and-over again repeatedly many times...

(Big Deep Abysmal Sigh)

But, sadly, your time is up.  That one-time offer has expired.  There is nothing  --  absolutely, positively NOTHING, a never-in-a-million-years kinda NO-FREAKIN-THING  --  that can force, influence, cause, compel or seduce me into repeating myself again repititiously.

You had your chance.  The irritation buzzer has buzzed.  Don't come begging for me to repeat, reiterate or say again whatever it was that was not crystal clear.  It ain't gonna happen.  Period.

I hope that has been made clearly and abundantly clear.

OK, time to move on...

You had your chance.

Did i make myself clear?  Totally clear and limpid?  Limpid and transparent?  Transparent and understandable?  I refuse to neither repetitiously reiterate nor to redundantly repeat myself over-and-over again until you finally understand.  Got it ? ? ?

I certainly hope so, 'cause i wanna move on...

OK, here i go.  I'm moving on.  Ready?

Esteemed ibogang:  Sorry about that.  Sociopathetic delusional paranoiacs with a severe clinical Multiple Personality Disorder can be terribly irritating and annoying at times, can't they?  Annoying and irritating but never boring.  Unless one starts repeating oneself.  I promise to not let that personality escape again.  Forgive me?
 
10,000 thanks!  Y'all are truly evolved and compassionate beings who are advanced and kind.  Don't be bashful, admit it.  It's true.  Please, please, please don't make me repeat that.  OK?  Please?

(I cannot see you rolling you eyes, but i know you are.)

When i sat down to start this topic, the plan was to tell the whole bizarre tale from the beginning to the present.  But, most of it has already been told either here or elsewhere, verbally or in writing.  However, there are some excellent reasons to cut the krap and say only those few things yet to be revealed that must be said so that i am able to tenderly, affectionately and lovingly embrace my sweet, precious destiny.

1)  Aching with desire, seething with passion, consumed by curiosity and joyfully/painfully obsessed  by the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named "Eva", i wanna get back to where i belong.  ASAP, if not sooner.

2)  Dredging up the heartache, loneliness and feelings of failure over being separated from my beloved inevitably cast me into the depths of depression.  Depths made even darker now that she has re-entered my life.

3)  Recalling those hypnotically radiant eyes and sweet smile promise ecstasy, fulfilment and more.  There is nothing more heavenly than contemplating fulfillment of her promise.  The heights have been made so much brighter now that she has re-entered my life.

4)  I am convinced that confirmation of what i believe to be our mutual past plus what i hope and pray is our mutual destiny, our mission, will only come from her lips and from no one or nowhere else.  The truth shall set me free.  The truth is also the only thing that can sooth the intolerable itch to help others that i suffer.

5)  She's way cool.  She's incredibly hot.  Sweet and almost as krazy as i am, an actress, a clown, rich and impoverished, she's the trickster who lovingly torments me.  Angel, devil, sophisticated and crude, wanton and prim, nasty and pure, she's capable of being every woman i have ever desired.  Mistress, slave, teacher, student, dear friend  --  she obviously enjoys pretending to be constant and unpredictable.  That such a wonderful woman would spare even the briefest instant of her time to play with me flatters and pleases me to the max.  The efforts she has made to set me straight and to spin me around are the most precious gifts that i have ever received.

Though i frequently feel that she is way, way stronger and wiser  --  with abilities and knowledge far beyond mine  --  she compels me to see myself in a new way.  Is it possible that i could be her equal?

She is too sweet and compassionate to ruthlessly torture some neurotic dork  --  unless she knows  --  that the dork, once kissed, would transform into a charming prince.  To say that that thought encourages me and thrills me is a ridiculously gross understatement.

Hence, i am consumed by the need to whisper softly and warmly in her ear:  "Eva, te amo.  Te quiero.  I love you, Eva, i love you."  And, i'd best do it soon or melt into a puddle or turn into a pumpkin or something dire like that.

6)  Destiny sweetly calls.

7)  Either some or all of my reasons above   --  and probably more  --  possibly many more  --  apply to Eva, too.  She's the enchantress come to save me, and I  yearn to be the gallant knight come to rescue and transport her to a magical castle in the clouds where our love and friendship will flourish.

Lovestruck, i could go on with that list for days, but i think that's enough for you to get the picture.

Have i made myself totally crystal clear?  Just let me know if you want me to repeat myself.  No problemo  --  i love talkin' 'bout lovin' that girl ! ! !

Shoot!  Gotta get back to the shelter or miss dinner.

Adiosa for now, my friends.

ET
« Last Edit: August 24, 2013, 12:44:18 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2013, 01:43:10 PM »
Unless things turn around, as they eventually do, i had a shitty start to the third shitty day in a row. Please pardon my negativity whilst i wallow in depression and indulge in negativity without inhibition. If you're having a bad day, too, it might be best to skip this post. Then again,this dose of negative shite might be just what you need to propel you to manic heights. I dunno...

"I dunno..." That's a big part of it. I don't fukkin know. And, for the most part, no one will help. Instead, they lie and deceive  --  sometimes with obvious relish and never with any evidence of regret  -- especially my 'friends' in Mexico. That sadly includes Eva, who has lied, deceived and, on numerous occasions, adeptly sent me spinning into the depths of miserable depression. It appears that she prefers fukkin' my big head instead of fukkin' the little one. Why is she playing this fukked-up game? Surely she sees that i do not enjoy enjoy it. Surely she sees that i don't want to play it. What the fuck ? ? ?

One theory is that she is trying to help, that she is making me so uncomfortable that it is either transform or die. Ouch!

Eva, dearest, there is always more than one way to skin a cat. Based upon a rare truthful and helpful comment from Oscar, you have quite a bit of latitude in your dealings with me. It was something like "... we're thinking that it wasn't such a good idea to lie about meeting you..." Of course, that might have been another lie...

Too fuckin' bad you can't read my mind.. Too fuckin' bad you can't come up with a straightforward and pleasant way to do whatever the fuck it is you're tryin' to do. Please consider my feelings and the harm you may be doing to our future. That is, unless you prefer a future without me. If that is the case, and you are reveling in the misery you're causing me, i am so very, very fucking sorry, but the game is over. I quit. I ain't gonna play no more. Adiosa.

I trained myself not to recall memories of you once before, and i can do it again. I am headed to the place Betty showed me to get the help needed to see the correct path to take. Maybe i'll come back to see you with the solution to my/your/our (?) problem. If i'm not back, whether with tail between my legs or walkin' tall, within a year, i won't be back at all.

I sent you a letter -- the only one of several accompanied by a Spanish translation -- that, hopefully, you received. In short, it said: "I love you. I want to be your friend. I release you from any promise, obligation or vow regarding me." It was written in part because of my commitment to women's rights and gender equality. Another reason was feelings of guilt and remorse over the part i may have played in the deprivation, loneliness and regret that you suffered, even if all i did way agree to your wishes. Dunno. And no one is forthcoming with the truth.

The most important reason, though, is because i would find no pleasure in holding you to a promise, made so long ago, that you no longer wished to keep. I would get no satisfaction from being with anyone who did not want to be with me. Any relationship where both partners are not willing and content is doomed to failure. No pleasure. No satisfaction. I will not do it. Period.

You are free.  I release you from ANY and ALL promises, obligations and vows concerning me.  Period.

Believe it.  Accept it.  Know it.  I will NOT knowingly pursue ANY woman who does not desire to be with me.  Too many failures, too much pain and regret already for me to go down that road.

I do hope i have made myself clear.

That said, nothing would be sweeter than if you feel the love and affection for me that i feel for you.

Nothing would be more wonderful than having you joyfully fulfill the promise i believe you made on what will be the most joyous and wonderful day of my life.

I know that enlightenment  --  either of the planet or myself  --  should be my number one desire.  I have gotten around that moral and spiritual imperative via a personal tantric path that merges my vow of enlightenment with my intense desire for you.  Considering the taste of enlightenment i experienced one bright sunny day when i was twelve also included a dreamlike vision of a beautiful friend playing with me on the beach, that merger is appropriate.  You have been married to my emotional, physical and spiritual desires and aspirations ever since.  That is no lie.

One problem with this aversion 'therapy' is that it often appears that she harbors intense dislike, animosity and resentment toward me. Having made her wait an intolerably long time to return and having suppressed recall of memories concerning her, these feelings are understandable and unavoidable. Once i saw through the conspiracy of silence, lies and deception that she is the same person i met so many years ago, i became angered and resentful toward those forces that deprived me of happiness for so long.

Eva, sweetheart, can we play a different game?  Please?

[ASIDE-TO-IBOGANG]

Please forgive me for ignoring you to make pathetic pleas to the one who owns my heart and mind.  Just had to do it.  Twas an irresistible compulsion to communicate with the object of my compulsion.  Me:  Socio-pathetic delusional paranoiac with severe clinical Tourettes of the imagination maniacally complicated by multiple personality and obsessive compulsive disorders.

Please accept my seriously demented apology.

[/ASIDE-TO-IBOGANG]

More regrettable are the feelings of anger, mistrust and resentment that, on shitty days such as this, i feel toward the love of my life. Due to the hurt from thinking my birth-mother rejected and abandoned me, along with being held prisoner by an adoptive mother who was cold, physically abusive and hyper-critical, these feelings are understandable and unavoidable, too. Are we both too fucked-up to be together? Is 'freezer-burn' a further complication?
 
That unpalatable freezer-burn taste is, to the best of my culinary knowledge, impossible to eliminate or cover up. Keep food in the freezer long enough and freezer-burn is the unavoidable result. Did the far too many years in our own private freezers give us 'emotional freezer-burn'? Or did we just change into different people from the two who were once compatible? Change is the only inevitability. Everything changes eventually. Everything.

Yeah, even my socio-pathetic rotten moods.  After 5 days, the sun finally came out from behind dark clouds.  The cause those dark days was the barrier i have been approaching.  I'm not gonna open the door to those things that are, i believe, the root causes of 99.999% of the stuff that has held me prisoner in this lifetime  --  i gonna blast right through and blow it of the hinges, never to be closed again.

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2013, 05:48:02 PM »
Ready? Here is comes...

The object, here, is not to place blame but to understand. That, and to expose and accept responsibility for my own mistakes. There was a cluster of actions in a past incarnation that have caused the neuroses and their attendant pain and suffering that i must reveal to be able to move on and hopefully become friends with my beloved Eva.

How did that fukked cluster start? What were the causes?

Well, at times in this life, i have been pushed, pulled, bullied, seduced and otherwise manipulated into doing things that i did not really want to do. Things i would not normally do, which were out of character and regretful. At times, it was like playing a scripted part in some play far, far off Broadway. Other times, it seemed as though i was a goofy finger puppet with a divine finger up my ass.

Has resentment for that proctological finger colored this life? Is that why i feel closer, more affectionate and loving toward Tonantzin/Guadalupe, the Goddess, than her male counterpart? Quite possibly.

Was Eva similarly pushed, pulled, bullied, seduced and otherwise manipulated into eliciting my unacceptable and shameful behaviour? Probably. Does she blame herself and feel guilty over her part? Also probable.

Arguments, fights and physical violence are usually the products of tit-for-tat behaviour. A vicious cycle of self-defense, antagonism and negativity are the beginning of a death-spiral that one party, by her/himself, is unable to pull out of. It takes both, working together, to repair and save a relationship. As you certainly have observed, and probably experienced, breaking out of a death-spiral is all too rare an occurrence.

Is the difficulty, the hitherto impenetrable barrier that has kept Eva and i apart in this incarnation, due the roles we played in that previous incarnation? Yes, i have become convinced that is true.

Eva, my love, i do not blame you. Certainly, it was my love for you that pushed me to the extreme. You cannot be blamed for being the object of my love. If you feel shame or remorse for your part in what happened, please don't. I forgive you.

Eva, i forgive you. Believe it. Feel it. Know it. Accept it.

Eva, i forgive you! I love you and i love loving you. It's true.

Eva, i forgive you ! ! !

[ASIDE-TO-MR-DIVINE-BIGGUY]

As for You, Mr. Divine Big-guy, i would appreciate it if you remove your divine finger from my ass! There's this job i wanna do, a job that i believe you want done, too. It will work out better for You, me and all concerned if you get your annoying, uncomfortable, unwanted finger out of my butthole and let me get on with it. OK?

Ya know, i gotta suspect you and Lupe are having your own 'divine' problems, too.  Not talking to each other? In a mutual snit? Locked in a divine death-spiral?

I look at the planet you two created and gotta think it's true. And those folks who were created by the two?  They're all headed toward that dirty, nasty, ten-letter word: Extinction.  Is the death-spiral of Homo sapiens a mirror of the one you two have entered?  As above, so below, it has been said.

Wanna talk about it?

Maybe i can help. I have some experience along those lines.

There is still hope. Just (Beggin' Yer pardon for using that vile four-letter word, 'just'.) admit to what You've done wrong, ask Her forgiveness, tell Her You love Her, forgive Her, and dammit all, SHOW Her You love Her.

She's way kool, we all know it. There's a whole lotta of love in Her divine heart. And, if You chill-out and think about it for a divine heartbeat or two, You know She loves you, too.

Waddya say? Let's talk. We got a similar problem  --  women  -- and we can help each other, i'll wager.

[/ASIDE-TO-MR-DIVINE-BIGGUY]

Before i start, one last thing. What i am about to describe is probably wrong here and there. It is certainly not the whole truth, but it is the best i can do at this time. I am confident that it is close to the truth, however, because: It answers so many questions; Those events and proclivities have been mirrored in my current incarnation; Intuition; And, when it all came together in my meth-addled brain, i experienced an ecstatic release of energy the likes of which i had never experienced before.

So, while inexact and incomplete, i am sure that what i am about to describe is very close to the truth.

Eva and i were lovers, man and wife, woman and husband. Like now, i liked to party and i suspect she did, too. All the chemical and herbal benefits and poisons of modern times were not available back then, and all we had was alcohol. Since my peculiar energetic configuration allows be to indulge excessively, i probably went on multi-day binges. Despite abnormal resilience to intoxicants, being fukked-up for days at a time does cause me the same problems that everyone else experiences: irrationality, paranoia, extreme emotions and the failure of inhibitions that prevent antisocial behaviour such as violence.

There may have been other factors that contributed to the cause of my shame and regret, such as stress over my 'occupation' as teacher and healer or personal stuff like jealousy, possessiveness and pride.

Regardless of extenuating circumstances, i did something very much opposed to my commitment to and teachings about love, compassion, and particularly, non-violence. What i did is the source of the shame, remorse and guilt that have karmically followed me into this incarnation and clung to me like a coating of tar.

I hurt Eva. Badly. Both physically and emotionally. In a rage, i assaulted her, possibly with a heavy wooden staff. I probably scarred her, broke bones or knocked teeth out. The brutal physical abuse may have even caused her to loose our unborn child. It must have been something terrible like that, something totally opposed to my message of love and non-violence, that i could not live with it. Chicken-shit that i was, i was unable to kill myself. So, i bullied and manipulated others into doing so.

Yeah, not only did i bring bad karma down upon myself, but also on the others i involved. I pushed a dear friend, over his strenuous objections, into turning me in to the authorities. His remorse over doing so was so intense, he would soon commit suicide. I was the cause, not the victim. The shame and regret i felt was wrongly placed upon his head.

Along with that, my 'suicide by cop' idiocy compounded the misery i had previously caused Eva by assaulting her.

I also left those responsible with my capture, incarceration, beatings and inappropriate sentencing with bad karma hanging around their necks.

In those days, folks were not 'blessed' with television, and public executions were the one of the only forms of amusement available to those poor, deprived, benighted souls.  Hence, i am also responsible for the bad karma the spectators who taunted, threw stones and spat upon me accrued.  And so too, the executioners (one of whom i have recognized in this incarnation  --  a truly kind soul who regretted causing me harm) were recipients of the negativity that i handed out to so many.

In addition, there was the grief i caused to friends and associates.  My mission, in which they had come to believe, was crippled by my most regrettable actions.  Lies explaining my behaviour, which was contrary to the teachings they had embraced, were concocted to explain the events that took place.  (Seems the use of 'spin doctors' is a sin that goes way back.)  I must share the blame for the lies which so many believe as gospel today.

Last, but certainly not least, is the pain and suffering i caused my adoptive mother  --  the woman who had kindly raised me and loved me as her own  --  as she witnessed my assisted suicide.  Ya see, the peculiar configuration of subtle energies he, i and others are born with result in the death of the woman who bears us.  Hence, my true, biological mother was not there to witness and share in the dark cloud of bad karma that surrounded that shameful and regretful cluster-fuck  --  i had already killed her by spending nine months in her womb.

To all those who were hurt by those events, please accept my humble and sincere apologies.  To all those who have unfortunately been deceived and led astray by the lies that my suicide led to, please accept my humble and sincere apologies, too.  I am truly sorry.  As i sit here today, i deeply regret my actions.  Please forgive me.

Please know and accept the fact that i forgive and seek forgiveness from all those who were drawn into the web of negativity that i created.  To all those who tormented and/or caused me harm:  I forgive you; Please forgive me.

I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I forgive you.

To my beloved Eva:  Head bowed and on my knees, i beg your forgiveness.

[ASIDE-TO-MR-DIVINE-BIGGUY]

Hey there, Mr. Divine Bigguy:  Hope my little confession there was acceptable to You.  If not, tough shit, i ain't takin' it back.

I do hope You had some beneficial end in mind when You caused us all this bullshit.  Wanna talk about it?

[/ASIDE-TO-MR-DIVINE-BIGGUY]

There ya have it, ibogang.

Thanks for your kind indulgence.  I'm, thankfully, done for now.

Peace, Love and Enlightenment!

Yer Pal,

Eon T McKnight

PS  --  There has been a geas surrounding me and influencing others since the age of five (and undoubtedly before) that has prevented me and others from acknowledging and talking about my 'secret' identity (that is not really much of a secret).  'Geas' is a term from Celtic magik that can be defined as a 'spell of compulsion'.  That is, a geas compels people to do things, sometimes those are things that they would not ordinarily do.  Only wakked-out schizophrenics and professional hit men appear to be immune to the one i have been saddled with.

I discovered that it is possible to get around my pet geas via the written word.   I wrote a question in Spanish to one of my exotic dancer friends at the Zodiac Club asking her if she had reason to believe that i am the reincarnation of the dolt who caused all that trouble described above and then turned my back.  She wrote:  "Si."

Therefore, i am sure that you, too, can overcome the geas and write what others cannot say.  I will turn my back while you do so, just to make sure.  I am getting very, very, extremely tired of the bullshit geas that has plagued me.  Kindly help me out (Help me come out of the closet, hehe.) and 'guess' my secret identity.  Even after spilling my guts and confessing my sins above, i still can't say it.  If you have half a brain, it should be obvious.  Spell it out and i'll fess-up.  Please?

Who was i?  ~  ET

PPS  --  The supporting reasoning and evidence was omitted from the above confession, it could fill a book, and i had to stop fukkin--about.  If you are curious about how i came up with it, please don't hesitate to ask.

By the way, if you happen to know a publisher or literary agent who might be interested in publishing my story for all those who are unable to read my mind, please let me know.  Living in a homeless shelter where i can't smoke pot, play guitar and crank the stereo is getting  old.  I do hope so very much that a change of circumstances is just around the corner.  ~  ET
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 06:07:56 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline lightswitchedon

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2013, 09:09:40 PM »
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Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2013, 03:37:14 PM »
Nope, not even close.  Next time try Genghis Khan or Joseph Stalin, why doncha?

And nope, the bullshit is still here.  Like tar.  Like stink on shit.

Me, i'm getting so i can't stand people.  Anyone.  Everyone.  Especially those brainless idiots who stare at me slack-jawed and wide-eyed.  First, i would look away.  Now, i stare right back and telepathically tell them:  "Fuck-off, shit for brains.  Do not look at me, DO NOT LOOK AT ME, ASSHOLE!"  That seems to work for all but the severely mentally handicapped.

My plan is to get the hell out of Sonora and go somewhere that is sparsely populated.  Getting far, far away from the assholes that surround me will be a huge relief.

Allow me to reiterate what i said in another topic.  The Sixth Dalai Lama was prophesied to have a son who would be like Plato's philosopher king.  He would be a fair, compassionate and spiritual leader of Tibet and all of Southeast Asia.  With a gleam in his eye, he was on his way to perform his part in the prophecy  --  maybe several times, just to be sure.  His son would lead the people into 1000 years of peace, prosperity and happiness.  He knew the woman and probably felt love, attraction and affection for her as i do for Eva.

On his way through the streets of Lhasa, however, he became aware that the issue of his liaison would, instead, be a cruel despot who would usher in 1000 years of violence, oppression, poverty and suffering.  He turned on his heel and walked away, never to enjoy the woman's companionship.

WTF?  What happened to flip his destiny from positive to negative?  Twas not his fault.  He saw that the cause was bad karma and lack of virtue among the people his son would lead.

Watching a man vomit from eating out of a dumpster, reading the newspaper, looking a TV news (especially the sickening, moronic Fox news) i have gotta guess that bad karma has increased immensely and virtue has decreased profoundly since the days of Number Six (1683 - 1706).

Guess that's my problem, too.  Eva communicated telepathically that we have no mission together.  I did not want to believe it.  There's no plan B for us, either, evidently.

Homo sapiens is trapped in a death-spiral into extinction.  No heaven-on-earth, no paradise.  It's just going to get worse and worse  --  i just hope those assholes at Fox news are there to report it all.  Serve them fukkin' dickheads right!

I think Wolfram vonEisenberg (?) got it backwards.  The land is not barren because the Fisher King has a wound that will not heal, even though he is the custodian of the Grail.  The king's wound will not heal because the land, and the people who live on it, are sick.  So much for my quest...

By the way, Eva, you can quit trying to change me. Stop all of your misguided attempts to manipulate me into some happy, rolly-polly Mexican who aspires to no more than drink beer, dance and fuck. Too many of my friends have died from alcohol poisoning. I will dance when i feel like it, and i sure don't feel like it when pushed and prodded into doing so. Having a bunch of brainless morons staring at me puts me on edge and makes me way too uncomfortable to even think about dancing.  I do not fuck those who do no want to fuck me or those whose only interest is money  --  no matter how superficially beautiful.

Too bad you can't read my mind, or you would know that.  If you don't want me the way i am, stay the fuck away.

Ya know, the thing that galls me most are those fuck-heads who mistake me for who i was.  That foolish dick-head is dead.  I am NOT him, nor do i want to be.  Love and respect me for who i am NOW or get the fuck away.  He fumbled away the ability to heal others that i have worked for.  Right when i was making some real progress with ayahuasca, my life got snatched away, leaving me without resources to continue my work.  Give me back MY life  --  i do NOT want his.

The thought that others can telepathically read my mind and are relying on me for their spiritual advancement is ridiculous.  Your spiritual advancement is YOUR responsibility, moron.  It is NOT something someone else can do for you.  Got that?  You gotta do it YOUR OWN FUCKING IDIOTIC SELF ! ! !  If you spent a few minutes contemplating that, it would be obvious.

And still, these fuckwits tell me the bullshit that someone else told them who heard it from someone else in a book full of lies, partial truths and BULLSHIT.  Spare me.  I don't wanna hear that crap!  Think for yourself.  Question authority.  Anyone who sets him/herself up as an authority is fucked in the head and trying to manipulate you.

Do not believe a word i say.

Do not believe ANYTHING.  Fuck belief!

KNOWLEDGE that you work and struggle for is the only thing of any value in this pathetic world.

This is Murphy's Planet.  One step forward, two steps back.  Achievement of enlightenment is infinitely close to impossible, but still, it's the only game worth playing.  That we are trapped in the bad habits, karma, of previous lifetimes makes progress even more difficult.  No wonder we're headed for extinction.  No wonder people laugh at me when i talk about planetary enlightenment.  I'm just a foolish dreamer, a totally unrealistic, idiotic idealist.

This game is over.  I leave you now to play the enlightenment game.  If i ever win the most sublime of all games, if i achieve the pinnacle of all pursuits  --

I dunno.  Ya see, i'll have to be enlightened to know stuff like that.  To KNOW is what i seek.  Believe it, hehe.

Me, i am nothing.  Nothing.  Zero.  No substance, no energy, no form, no existence.  An illusion of an illusion.  Nothing.  The void.  I am nothing, no one.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  Ninguna.  Blank empty space.  A dream of the illusory void, nothing more.  A mirror that reflects no image.  A sound that is silent and still.

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2013, 04:23:02 PM »
I can't speak for others but for me being a moderator I prefer extensive posting to be limited to Iboga experience.  There comes a point when this is a nuisance.  I'm especially not fond of your deliberately aggressive tone and makes me wonder what Iboga ever did for you (you're a veteran here).  Seriously you are a very apt and gifted being of unique character, why the act?  It gets to the point when I personally have to say to someone, get with it (on a functional and practical level) or go to the asylum.  If these long extended posts continue to have nothing whatsoever to do with Iboga (you've posted like this off and on for about 2 years now with no personal revelations about Iboga) than I'll have to PM Cal to see what can be done to cut the riff raff.   

Offline lalababa

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Re: Game Over -- Press Any Key to Reboot My Butt
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2013, 04:23:29 AM »
Davidgolds is the riff raff.. I think this writing ( though I have only read the first half so far is pretty beautiful, you seemed to agree yourself KP.. maybe it should go in The Muse section?  Just a suggestion, I will have to read the rest..tomorrow..just deleted 25 or more Davidgold posts.

much love,
lala