Author Topic: Life can be short  (Read 3222 times)

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Offline skinny

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Life can be short
« on: October 03, 2013, 01:44:08 AM »
I don't know where to post this, but I'll do it here in memory of JackTripper who left us so suddenly.  I never met him or corresponded with him, I didn't even know he was a moderator or how he became one.  Anyways this will be my journal and it's not eboka related, maybe some of it is. 

I'm cutting this short because I'm not in the mood to write a long piece about myself.  I keep on deleting and revising what I wrote, but basically I have no friends outside of this message forum.  If I were to die, nobody here would probably know.  I am seeking another doctor that is more on the cutting edge of what I'm going through.   Don't want to disclose this problem yet.

So when I'm in the mood to write, I'll update here.

skinny

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Offline Pandora

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Re: Life can be short
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2013, 04:51:12 PM »
I am so very sorry to read this.  Every death diminishes us all.  Life is poignent and people are strong, yet when you get down to it there's a fundamental fragility.

I'm marking the one year anniversary loss of a fellow psychonaut via fatal OD. 

May JackTripper rest in piece and may his memory and memories of him help us all.

Peace & Love,
Pandora
"But even if nothing lasts and everything is lost, there is still the intrinsic value of the moment.  The present moment, ultimately, is more than enough, a gift of grace and unfathomable value, which our friend and lover death paints in stark relief."
-Rick Doblin, Ph.D. MAPS

Offline lalababa

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Re: Life can be short
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2013, 08:26:54 PM »
Yes,

I have experienced more death in my life than most people my age..been dealing with it since 15 years old when i went to two funerals the week before my mother and sister died.. Jack leaving has been the hardest one since the death of my mom and sister.. and there have been a LOT of friends die.  I appreciate everyone's support.

Skinny-  I don't know what is going on with you, you can tell us when/if you feel it.  I hope you are okay.  You are loved.

lalababa

Offline skinny

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Re: Life can be short
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2013, 02:29:02 AM »
I needed a place to vent.   Yesterday I was at the doctors and he seemed unconcerned about what I'm taking for my health issue.  Like I said I don't want to disclose yet, but I think I should once I get approval from my family and get another doctor.  I'm on Medipass which is complete subsidized gov't healthcare, so my doctor is good but I'm in the position of bargaining with him.  He doesn't want to listen to some of the science stuff I dug up nor the more experimental stuff I'm willing to try.  I admit I could be completely wrong in doing it my way, but at this point I'm about 50% compliant with what the doctor has recommended.

The good news is that finally I got a phone call today from Life Extension.  Wow these health advisors are pretty decent, I mean when is the last time you got a free consultation from a doctor over the phone?  I've been a member for a long time, my dad still has membership when he passed and its only like $75/yr to get the club prices, but the magazine is good enough for the articles even though you can find most of them online.  The doctor was a naturopath and spent like 30 min with me, referring me to doctors in the area.  Something that even doing internet searches is hard to find a doctor.  So the phone consultation put me more at ease.

So I thought I would slip in to depression again because the doctor didn't order any more tests (although hes willing to prescribe me some really expensive pharmaceutical drugs, at taxpayer expense), something that I've been doing, but now he wants to put me on stronger drugs.

How I feel physically.  Pretty good.  If I told you I was normal, well looks can be deceiving.  Sure I look normal as a 38 yr old, maybe younger looking than most at that age.  But there's something disturbing that I've been dealing with, partially in denial for a couple years but starting to accept it but not deal with it like my doctors telling me.  Sorry to keep y'all in suspense.  It's just my 'darkness' and probably will be very liberating once I'm ready to disclose.

So another contention was seeing a psychiatrist, or a "shrink" as they call it but I'm still having having issues going there.  I could do talk therapy but if the topic goes into taking some sort of mood altering drugs like SSRIs or whatever, its probably not the shrink I want to talk to.  I do want to eventually to go, but finding another primary care doctor is more important.  Part of my problem is that I'm a shut in, no one to talk to other than my immediate family and these days lots of old time friends are reclusive due to high stress regular jobs.  I did talk for a couple hours with a fellow ayahuasca meditator on the phone, will follow up.  He's just one.   Started contacting old friends, one's out of the country, another is more of a lets hang out guy, and another is a neurotic recovering alcoholic so I'm making some headway in talking. 

I did follow up with a christian counselor, but it feels kinda useless in gaining empathy when that worldview of Bible/Jesus/God/prayer is dominating your life.  But he got into an accident TWICE when I was in rehab, tragic vehicular crashes.  He is gay (recovering) and urged me to go to recovery support groups for homosexuals, something I don't identify with, nor could give christian advice on since I believe Kinsey's scale/Klein Sexuality orientation is more accurate view of sexuality.  Not my business to discuss such minutia with them since I was still in shock and grief over my father's terminal illness.  Another humiliating episode was confessing to all the stuff I did in the past, not one to shy away in talk but when you're dealing with grief and you have someone 'praying the gay away' it makes you just shut down.   Felt like a zombie.  The part that I didn't want to confess was all the ayahuasca / iboga visions I had...but I did under pressure and under pressure bound those in the name of Jesus or something.  Some Spiritual Warfare handbook for christians.

A lot of people in Rehab were talking about war stories, of drug abuse, kleptomania, cracked out stories, alcoholic binges and near death experiences.  The gory details I left out, but did mention I was into BDSM and fetish parties.  More out of curiosity, a possible negative consequence of being in a pot induced haze.  I've always seen those in the healthy form of acting, much like an actor does his job and goes 'out of character'.  But I didn't get into detail at at with anyone about that, just that I was a pot and psychedelics kind of guy.  I did get messed up mentally being in a slave relationship with an alcoholic that turned co-dependent.  The main reason I went to rehab, just to get away from that.  It turned into friendship and non SM from a years worth of work, but being woken up listening to a rambling drunk was wearing on my consciousness.  Started to get loopy, negative self talk verbal spats, felt like I absorbed that 'alcoholic spirit' and I wasn't even drinking or smoking pot.  Just getting addicted to tobacco.

My friend who went to ayahuasca gatherings told me.  Take the good and leave out the bad.  Don't mention all the plant medicine stuff (which I did), but it took me a couple months from just going through depression to suffering through that.   I willfully relapsed on a pack of cigarettes after rehab, but quickly changed my mind on it (no nicotine buzz for some reason).  I don't have any opiate struggles, no alcohol problems.  If life gets too tough I rather sleep it off.  A sleep addiction as one intern told me I had.  It's my love and enjoyment of music that got me off sleep for recreational purposes.  I'd like to do pot occasionally but not worth the trouble to find it.   Sleep, internet, music, webgames are enough to be addicted to.

A big struggle for me now is not to go back into co-dependency.   I miss my dog and cats very much.  I lived with a nurse who I had sexual relations before, broke that off, think I got over it, but...4 years of living together off and on, you get attachments.  It's like getting divorced without getting married and missing 'my kids'.  I spent the thousands of dollars for her recovery, iboga at Saras in 2009 and she recovered.  Ended up moving back with her twice, but got kicked out, homeless, can't be mutually dependent and grow like a healthy relationship.  Plus I have to say I had some unrealistic fantasies of being 'polyamourous' which worked out as a disaster, 3 women at once seeing each other.   These days I'm getting older and am fine with monogamy.  I guess that sowing your 'wild oats' in your youth gets that out of your system and you are willing to settle down.  A big contention was that:  I don't want to be a father, she did.  So that must make a female extremely fustrated when you know your biological clock is ticking to menopause....but now we are texting again, she wants me to move back to NYC so I can get a 'shitty job' while she pays the rent and I go take care of the pets.  Uhh no, but if I lost my family or they rejected me that could be a 'big relapse'.  She got dumped by the same ex who she says she was engaged to...back in 2009 when I took her to Amsterdam to detox at Sara's house...she was after him too.   So its a tempting situation to go back if depression is too severe just because the pets make me really happy.  I can't do that to my mom tho, she's helped me out so much and needs me (but it's a milder form of co-dependency).  I get lazy around the house.  I need activity outside the house like washing dishes at a restaurant.  It's the time of year when that is coming soon, job opportunities in restaurants, country clubs, resorts.  Finanical independence is something I desire a lot, even if I'm living in a shack with minimal luxuries.

So that's it for now.  Thanks I really love a lot of the exchanges here.  To think of it I'm probably more of a Charles Shaw or Joe Rogan type of personality without looking to out there.  I see myself as an ordinary guy that got into extraordinary situations because of... I don't know.  Too much pot smoking?  :D

thanks lala, guess that why I had a sudden urge to write.

skinny


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Offline ddraig

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Re: Life can be short
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2013, 11:27:37 AM »
Sorry to hear about JackTripper leaving so abruptly. My heartfelt condolences to his family and friends.