Author Topic: Ibogaine - thoughts 9 months since trip  (Read 1786 times)

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Offline Awakener

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Ibogaine - thoughts 9 months since trip
« on: March 22, 2014, 07:24:11 AM »
This is in reference to this: http://eboka.info/index.php?topic=2227.0

9 months after my encounter with the mad, diabolical trickster figure that is Iboga, my thoughts are quite different to what they were soon after my return from Thailand. Of course this is my own personal experience, but I think there will be a couple of common themes that some people may be able to connect with. Quick qualifier - I took this for exploratory reasons rather than to beat an addiction. I wasn't suffering from any serious mental issues at the time, although I wasn't very happy with life.

1. While I think ibogaine can be a profound if 'off the charts crazy' experience, I don't think it has the power to fundamentally change anything unless a number of conditions are in place eg: your confidence and faith in the drug, what maladaptive patterns were operating in your life, how extreme these were, your reaction to the post-flood state, actions taken and so on. I have to say that I'm not really a guy that believes in plant spirits. In my case I feel very much the same, although the revealed truths of the experience are things I continue to work with to this day. I don't think any one who met me today would say that I am vastly different from before the trip. However I think that it did set the ball rolling for incremental change down the line in a way that is fairly subtle.

2. Ibogaine to me is a drug, a herbal hallucinogenic molecule and no more. I did feel that masculine, maniacal, trickster quality to the trip and indeed I even saw it embody itself as a cartoon-like entity, but my belief is that this was the effect of the drug's 'character' interacting with my psyche. That does not negate its usefulness for me though.

3. For me the ibogaine was about revealing to me the operating elements of my psyche, in a way that was very visceral. It seems to skew towards darkness for most people, rather than light - shining a light on the unpleasant aspects of the psyche. So it was for me too. It unearthed the unspeakably primal, the obscene, the animalistic, the id and the horror that is part and parcel of the human condition.

4. It revealed my phylogenetic connection to the rest of humanity and the animal kingdom. This was not at all pleasant because as people we like to think of such connections as fairly cute and tidy - " there's grandma ... grandpa ... the cute fish that walked on land ....." The truth is that this entire inheritance is a very tangled, fleshy, violent and ferral web that if one were to see in all its glory, can be an extremely lurid spectacle. Ibogaine does not really do soft and cuddly :)

5. If there was a theme in this trip, it was fear and the threat of both psychic and actual violence. I had never really realised the depth of my fear. When repressed fear is explored in its entirety, it is completely horrifying! A big part of the trip was my ambivalent connection to society. The alienation experienced through ruptured ties from repeated migrations around the world and the malevolence of society - revealed by the sight of my own internalized social identity. The presence of garish advertising in my mind - which a lot of people experience, I would class under this. We internalise a lot of social conditioning which does not sit very well with us. I feel having now seen my shadow, I can see the strong effects that such buried fears can have and it is my aim to explore them further and dismantle them.

5. A strong theme that seems to be there in a lot of peoples trips is the limits of human existence, ticking clocks, regret about the past etc. In other words existential finitude. I guess this is a great tool to give people a kick up the ass. Its easy to delude yourself about sorting things out at some unspecified time in the future. For an addict with a lifelong habit I can imagine how confronting this would be. For myself also regret and longing were massive themes, driven by the clear sight of 'the wall' that was to be my senility and death. This was something I struggled with the most. I got back from Thailand, thinking I was getting old and determined to find a girlfriend so that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life alone etc. It was clearly an over-reaction driven by fear. I guess the ibogaine trip has a bit of an action oriented vibe to it, so its easy to come out of it and go 'I'm going to do that ... I have to do this' Now much later I realise that this was an after-effect of the Ibogaine beating me with its stick and while that can definitely be a goad for action, it can also be reactionary and fear-based. At present I use the knowledge of existential finitude given to me by the ibogaine experience to keep me grounded. I also want to penetrate, understand and ultimately overcome the dilemma of existential finitude.

6. The cesspit that was my psyche did make me realise how caught up in fears I was. The outcome was me making more of an effort to enjoy life, to have fun, to aim for happiness and so on. The goal now is to be as happy as I can be, making that a priority at the expense of everything else. I can see why there is this urge in people who have iboga to purify, to cleanse etc. I feel very much that while there was a purging of sorts, the dirt is not the kind that can be scrubbed clean. The dirt is to be understood and waded through in a sensible way. The animalistic nature of human beings is never going to be clean and tidy.

7. Flood is right! I had basically no control over the entire trip and a lot of my pain came from trying to control and stop the horror of the trip. On the other hand I don't really know that I could have controlled my reactions or else I wouldn't have been flooded!

8. The flood also revealed to me the subtle deception involved with the ego trying to claim insights for itself. Shoring it up as a defence against the horror and craziness of the rest of the world, the rest of the psyche. This is bound to only create more fear and bad stuff through a lack of integration. The goal for me is going to be to cede control and to more and more be lived ... be part of the flow, rather than making an effort to do shit in order to bolster my self-worth. Seeing the way the psyche works and the 'self' trying to sneakily appropriate, this and that - was one of the coolest things I experienced on ibogaine. Iboga so kicked my ass on that last one! Every 'trick' to politely acquiesce was exposed brutally and instantly.

 
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 07:51:54 AM by Awakener »