Author Topic: How can I find a sitter?  (Read 2544 times)

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Offline Tyler

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How can I find a sitter?
« on: May 02, 2014, 02:54:09 PM »
So the day in which I will open myself to Iboga draws closer. I wake to my surroundings from time to time, and see them - they are beautiful and awe inspiring, but their immensity fills me with timorousness and trepidtation. I awaken to a world that is foreign and incomprehensible to me.

I have asked my mom to be my sitter, but in my heart I know this is wrong - we have too much history, and there is too much that I want to say, that I know I would only freeze up in terror of the truth, when it all comes pouring in, if we were together. We sat together recently once, beside each other in the dark. I was high. It was cannabis. And I saw her through the periphery of my vision - her face, her palid face, trapped in silence. It was the most heart-wrenching experience of my entire life. No thoughts came to me, no emotions welled up to the surface - just silence, complete and harrowing silence.

I wanted to scream.

So I know I cannot ask her to be my sitter, but the day will come when my feelings pour out toward her - when I can hold her aging shoulders in my arms, and tell her that I love her and then I know that I will laugh again, I will be me again, and the stony coldness around my heart will warm and soften. I dare not speak it now, because in my heart I know it is not true - though I see glimpses of the love, mostly in my dreams. But during my waking hours, it is all buried under hatred and bitterness, that rear their ugly head when she opens her mouth and stress-induced frustration comes out. I want her to be silent, so I am silent. And the bitterness stays put.

But for me, I have no friends, because I have been a terrible friend. No wise ones are in my life, that I would trust to put my life in their hands. How can I find a sitter who can act as my guide?

Offline WisdomSeeker

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2014, 04:24:34 PM »
Tough question I don't know how to help. Since you have no friends and no experienced ones at that it seems you may be on your own unless you did the whole clinic thing but that's expensive. I'm not condoning going on the journey alone but if you must read as many reports as you can before go day. I know others have gone this alone but I'm really not one with good knowledge here as I've never even done iboga. I really really want to but in one of those uncool areas of the world laws wise. Wish you the best and hope someone better suited to help you chimes in for you! Peace

Offline Tyler

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2014, 05:13:10 PM »
Thanks, WisdomSeeker. After I posted that, I had the question in my head, and I asked my counselor if he knew any leads - and as luck would have it, he gave me the name of a man in BC who specialises in Aya therapy. It was a neat bit of fortune, considering I have observed that plant substance being mentioned on this forums repeatedly. For the record, I live in Ontario in Canada, in case anybody has some leads for me, or knows anybody who offers to be a spiritual guide in Canada.

I am not familiar with Aya, and don't even know its full name, but from what I gather it is not as intense as Iboga. Is that correct?

Offline Tyler

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2014, 06:00:09 PM »
I feel that it is a bit of a long shot, but might somebody from this forum who is familiar with Ibogaine and who lives in Canada consider offering their guidance to me?

I am not certain what may come from my flood dose, truly, and would not wany anyone to make an uninformed decision. In the past, I lost my temper and threated my mom with violence, but those words don't do it justice. I would use the word monstrous, because I became a violent monster, and I quickly got out of there with what little self-control remained in me at the time. The emotion quickly faded, but the feeling it left behind has scarred our relationship, and put a rift between us. That was on the tail end of puberty, but my anger has gotten out of hand once in my early twenties, when I got into a physical fight with my partner at the time. But it wasn't even close to the intensity of rage that I experienced beforehand - the intensity of that rage I felt goes beyond anything I have ever felt before or after. The next time I got violent, it caused a fight, but when I experienced that monstrous rage I was prepared to strangle. It taught me just how bad the behaviour can get of control, if angry thoughts are pursued on a frequent basis. So now I put a stop to the angry thoughts, and try to replace them with understanding.

But as I understand it, Iboga weakens the body very much, so that all energy can be focused on the introspective journey. Does this leave a significant risk of others being harmed by the expunging violent emotional forces?

Edit: After reading from this thread (http://eboka.info/index.php?topic=2023.0), I get a sense that being a sitter is no simple task. I really can't offer compensation, nor any promise of feeling genuine gratitude - because I have no real way to know what is actually involved. But if somebody feels up to the task, then please PM me. We can discuss in private.
« Last Edit: May 02, 2014, 06:20:38 PM by doubtingmind »

Offline WisdomSeeker

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2014, 06:45:24 PM »
I have not taken aya either but will pretty soon. I have smoked DMT freebase which DMT is the active ingredient in aya besides the maoi needed for its oral activation. Smoked DMT needs no maoi but if one is taken it will still massively increase the strength of a smoking DMT experience.

DMT IMO probably is more likely to be easy on you which iboga is not known for being easy on you. That being said DMT is not a light experience at all so definitely give it due respect as its beyond belief. DMT dwarfs the other traditional psychoactives by a long shot and hell LSD is quite an experience.

DMT could help you in many ways but iboga is probably more healing overall but I don't totally know. Sorry I cannot help you as I'm super far from Canada! Peace

Offline mo

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2014, 02:36:45 AM »
hi doubtingmind,

your appear to me as thoughtful and carefully considerate towards your own behaviour, that can only  be a good thing. some of what you say reminds me of my own experiences. i too lost control and became violent in a fight with my partner. that day something changed in my brain and it felt truly horrible - i felt for maybe an hour like i would faint and loose my mind at the same time at any moment.

that is now many years ago and recently my therapist introduced me to the idea that i had been controlling hurt/painful/rageful/hateful feelings by default and that incident was a paradigm changing occurrence - an event where the feelings broke free of the control.

when you say you "..put a stop to the angry thoughts .." - that is the good news.

my therapist tells me that repressed traumas have to be acknowledged and reconciled. that is how he works and it makes sense to me. he says that change in personality is impossible without doing this. the reconciliation happens only in loving understanding and i can not say it any different - it is a given - by grace.

in my experiences i had a major brawl with my heart . it scared me to death for hours on end. but the truth is - we needed it desperately, looking back i can see it now as a fight between brothers or very good friends where at the end they are beaten and raw and recognize that they actually are in love with each other, part of each other.

as for your mother. seriously, it can not be overestimated, i believe, what it means to reconcile with your mother.

as for a possibly bad experience because of the presence of your mother. i can not really say. you see, once you learned to meet fear and hate and rage in principle - you recognize them as frustrated shadows and you introduce them to loving and light thoughts and feelings - you actually welcome them. because freeing the captured liberates!

does that make sense? it's like: "finally, thank you for coming out and presenting your self" "you were always there  and you are divine in essence and the last thing i need is you as an enemy" "i know that you are unassailable and eternal and i will not stand anymore in opposition to you"  "i lay down my arms at your holy feet in recognition that we are one in nature and that all we crave for is peace"

once you recognize that there is only one source for life and once you get glimpses of what that nature is the news just keeps spreading. in the world of thoughts and ideas, it is just an other idea, but a liberating one !

you strike me as someone who is actually in contact with his rage. do you have conversations with those parts of yours? have you tried inner family system therapy? i first learned of that in ceremony and later in 'feeding your daemons' rituals  (which can lead to their transformation to power animals) - maybe you want to read up on inner parts work (i got the idea from sfhelp.org) and try it before the ceremony. something along the lines of "alright guys, you know what is coming and before we go there i would like to announce that i acknowledge every one in my inner family and that this is what i am going for - full recognition and reconciliation" maybe ask something like "is there someone who would raise a concern?" and then be aware of your emotional and thought responses ..

i hope that is not too much rumbling and that some of it is actually helpful - good luck with everything!
in a universe like ours, to beings like us, the idea of a god dying can be quite liberating

Offline Tyler

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Re: How can I find a sitter?
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2014, 09:02:20 AM »
Thank you, mo, for those words. They appear very sincere to me. I am only just waking now, so I must set aside time tonight to mull over them appropriately before I am able to understand them properly.

Edit: Later I realised that you perhaps meant those questions to be rhetorical for my benefit, to give me something to ponder, so I would like to say thanks. I am very accustomed to thinking too literally. Plus I think it is best to take down my self-observations because they might be vastly wrong, and I just don't know what kind of impact disinformation can have.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2014, 11:53:43 AM by doubtingmind »