Author Topic: Seeking Truth  (Read 3334 times)

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Offline brink

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Seeking Truth
« on: October 17, 2014, 12:09:35 AM »
First and second floods - insight and rebirth

30y/o 165ish lb male

March 2013 20g iboga RB
A Friday night
buzzzzzzZZZZZ?!?
nausea, purging
Many thoughts, did not attempt to transcribe.  Major ataxia, ok after the Sunday.
HPPD for a week or so.  Did not know if it would ever wear off.
This was a very insightful experience.  Found direction in life.  Found explanations for my unique experiences in life - attributed largely to personality type.
A lot of psychedelic type organizing seemed to be going on, as well.
Very difficult to describe anything specific or any visionary dreams, if there were any.


Jan 2014 3g TA extract
A Friday night
hummmmmm
Awareness
Nausea, purging
You think that nothing can scare you?  Here’s something to be afraid of.
Utter desolation in an old abandoned house situated in an empty field surrounded by forest in the middle of winter.  Storms and fire all around.  Doesn’t sound so bad?  It’s like nobody exists anywhere, perhaps only dark spirits.  Cold and alone in the wilderness.  Grim nostalgia.
Purging
Separate dreams - wretched hell, wandering as a battered corpse through an evil world of skeletons, bones, and utter refuse.  Doom.
Purging
Things seem to be clearing up a bit.
NOPE.
More wretchedness, will never end, mind may be broken.  Hours and days (weeks?) of this.
Second dream sequence closer to home.  Impossible to tell reality from the dreams at this point.
Sunday much more of the same.  Some reality, many dreams.  Still utterly confused about what has happened in the true reality.  I totally believed some things happened which weren’t possible.
Believe it’s Monday instead of Sunday and send sketchy, hardly coherent message to work about being sick. 
Purging
Heavenly visions came about of the abandoned house decorated with curtains.  Feelings of friendship brought on a party, which escalated to a laser show in the clouds.  Felt godlike.  Many genuine friends present in the visions, most not real.
Monday I may stay in.  Ataxia is still severe and weakness is too much.
Tuesday things are semi-normal.  Decided to go to work.  Serious frailty and light sensitivity.
Driving and purging.  Way motion sick.  Drove two cities over, had to take a break at destination.  Gave up and went home.
HPPD lasted about a week again.  Complete lack of appetite and general frailty lasted weeks after.
The only obvious positive thing about this was the heavenly dream where life’s positive force was realized, amplified by friendships.  Everything and everyone seemed much more genuine.  I realized the existing fear of being utterly alone.  I never wanted to become this frail again.

Overall,
3g TA was quite a lot for me.  Even the smell of RB makes me gag now.  The second trip was very chaotic with the periods of sobriety giving notions that a comedown was near - and that was repeatedly not the case.

The lessons were important in ways, and I can still remember images and feelings of absolute desolation and despair, however any inspirations toward appreciating life have faded.

I was hoping to recover some lost memories and develop a better understanding of my past, present, and future.  None of this has happened since the first flood, and I’m not sure that iboga has evoked any lost memories, really.  Thoughts and anxiety can still be chaotic.

I'm still seeking an outlet for repressed memories.

Offline RhythmSpring

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2014, 10:53:53 AM »
Hi Brink,
3g TA is a LOT. I'm 120 lbs, and 2.6g blew me out of the water. I had similar visions to yours--of desolation, doom, decomposing in sort of a mass graveyard, delapidated cabins in the woods, etc. A few years later, I did 1g and had almost a full flood. I'm thinking 1.5g for me is the sweet spot. I'm more sensitive than most people

It's going to take a while for your body and psyche to work through the 3g. Give yourself time. Things will change, and I predict your hyper-sensitive, empty state will gradually give way to empowered clarity. Be patient with yourself, take good care of yourself. Give yourself time, take it slow, think about life, meditate. Go out of your way to be with good friends. Reconnect with old ones, even. Seems like that was an important message from your flood. If you seem to be missing inspiration and hope, you can count on your friends to help reinspire and reflect your soul back to you.

Welcome!

Offline Rintrah

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2014, 06:33:53 PM »
Sunday much more of the same.  Some reality, many dreams.  Still utterly confused about what has happened in the true reality.  I totally believed some things happened which weren’t possible.
Believe it’s Monday instead of Sunday and send sketchy, hardly coherent message to work about being sick. 

I totally relate to this part when I did 3g TA. There were things I thought were happening in reality which, thinking back, wouldn't be possible. For example, I thought the police visited my house and were flying miniature helicopters around in my dark room to observe me, and that (the next night) giant robots were jumping around outside in an effort to make the global environment more sustainable. So many magical things happened during that experience too and I sometimes feel an inexplicable longing to taste those dreams again.

Offline brink

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2014, 10:57:05 PM »
Thank you for your replies!  Good to know I'm not alone with those weird visions.  :D

I'm strongly considering MXE for reflection and meta programming.  The last iboga flood was in January, so it's been a while.  There's a faint recollection that says life is worthwhile, but it's hardly enough right now.  I know the "spark" is here; it's not entirely clear why it gets buried.

Pure ibogaine is tempting to see if it is "cleaner" or with less nausea, but MXE sounds as if it could possibly help in less obtrusive ways.

Keeping positive relationships seems to be a problem in life.  How has iboga affected your social outlooks?

Offline RhythmSpring

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2014, 07:45:13 AM »
I would caution against using research chemicals, in general. Not only for safety's sake, but because in my experience the more natural ones have been more effective anyway. Several people on this forum have had positive experiences taking psilocybe mushrooms following a flood or during microdosing. I find mushrooms to be *always* inspiring, because the world is inherently inspiring. I would rather see you do this than try to reprogram your brain from a point of control and command. One would be a natural development of things, the other would be a kind of forceful alteration your that subconscious might resent. See what I'm saying?

To answer your question, Iboga has greatly improved my social outlook. It made it much more moment-based, as opposed to thinking about the past or future in my relationships. Perhaps, in your post-Ibogafied state, you should focus on gathering hope and inspiration from the very present instead of the future. I have a feeling you might be looking outside of what's in front of you for this inspiration. Easier said than done, I know. But I think Iboga fosters this--it slams you *right* into the moment. Bam.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2014, 07:48:45 AM by RhythmSpring »

Offline ddraig

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2014, 11:19:22 PM »
Hi Brink. No you are definitely not the only one to get very desolate, mundane, dank/dark experiences that seemed to never end during an iboga journey.
Mine came on 3.5g of very powerful TA. There was also a bunch of repetitive cartoon like and just repetitive non sensical visuals mixed in as well.
Interesting reading your interpretations of yours. In hindsight I got similar messages after integrating,  got that I was still stuck in some old patterns that I refused to let go off.

My first flood was my break thru experience, which was beautiful. This flood was more geared towards exploring, like wanting to see certain things, which I saw, but also asking iboga to help with things that in hindsight were not positive. So for me, iboga made it quite evident that I don't need to be using it this way. I did a get a lot of positive results (of course!) out of it though, I had the shine, and had some purges which cleansed me. Writing this, just remembered  that during that journey through mundanity and desolation, I saw some (astral?) entity show up just floating around my head staring at me like a gormless blobfish: http://static.businessinsider.com/image/5228e31feab8ea240f8b457e/image.jpg
but with an unsymmetrical face.
It just looked so bored and mundane, lol.

Yes, iboga definitely change my outlook on life, including socially (referring to my first flood in particular.) Yet, I needed (and still need) to make the effort to come from Love (positive)and not fear (negative), and get out of my comfort zone, and do things that keep in tune with my True Self..heck, just doing the basic stuff like being more responsible and having accountability as well.  Iboga gave me a whole new reference point and lessons to come from (like living in the moment as Rhythmn Spring mentions), it allowed me to get out of my ego/monkey mind for a bit and see a bigger picture.

Practically, some of those thought patterns and fears can come back that can effect relationships and connecting with people, but thats where the work comes in and it isn't always easy. Myself, as an ex-addict, pain (and potential 'pain' or risk) was something I ran from, afraid to Live. Again, looking back, after much work done post my first flood... iboga planted the seeds and gave me all I needed to get well. As Alexandra Lost said, it is a teacher, it is not there to do the work for us.

 

« Last Edit: October 21, 2014, 11:30:25 PM by ddraig »

Offline brink

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2014, 08:50:27 PM »
Guys, thank you for your insight.

It’s difficult to get away from the negativity that iboga left off from with the last experience.  Disassociative psychedelics seem to have some things in common, and that’s what got me looking into alternatives.

Iboga did show me my “spark”, or life force, in an overall difficult way, and it made much more sense for a while after.  It’s something that currently escapes me.  A big lesson from the positive part was to become more substantial so that positivity is generated in excess, to the point of better helping others.  Everyone does seem so down and gloomy when you see others from a near/or manic state.  To create an energy surplus is seemingly not so hard when you genuinely believe it can be done.  I’ve lost this belief, in spite of weak attempts of trying.  Part of it involves bodybuilding and drugs.  That’s offset by anxiety and lack of appetite.  I know it’s not necessary, but the drive is.

Quote from: RhythmSpring
Iboga has greatly improved my social outlook. It made it much more moment-based, as opposed to thinking about the past or future in my relationships. Perhaps, in your post-Ibogafied state, you should focus on gathering hope and inspiration from the very present instead of the future. I have a feeling you might be looking outside of what's in front of you for this inspiration. Easier said than done, I know. But I think Iboga fosters this--it slams you *right* into the moment. Bam.

I love this about drugs.  Full awareness of the present by obliterating concerns of the past and future. 
I tend to take current relationships for granted and fail to get involved with anyone romantically for fears that it won’t work out.  It shouldn’t matter, I guess, as long as the path is a positive one.

Quote from: ddraig
Yes, iboga definitely change my outlook on life, including socially (referring to my first flood in particular.) Yet, I needed (and still need) to make the effort to come from Love (positive)and not fear (negative), and get out of my comfort zone, and do things that keep in tune with my True Self..heck, just doing the basic stuff like being more responsible and having accountability as well.  Iboga gave me a whole new reference point and lessons to come from (like living in the moment as Rhythmn Spring mentions), it allowed me to get out of my ego/monkey mind for a bit and see a bigger picture.

Yes, that makes sense.  Though I fail to see the benefit of leaving my comfort zone, since I have little to no faith that someone found romantically appealing and good for me could work out.  It’s more complicated than that, and it shouldn’t matter with forming positive, healthy relationships.  It is a fear, and I end up being avoidant and silent in most areas of life because of it.  To some degree, I saw this happening, shutting others out, and I did make attempts to prevent it while I felt broad love for others.  My love is regrettably selfish now, and I’ve barely sufficient energy to perform daily activities, because they lack meaning, just like with seemingly empty people I encounter.

I know it’s just me, thinking I see things out a bit too far.  It's a grim perspective though a peep hole in the fortified wall separating me emotionally from others.

Offline ddraig

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Re: Seeking Truth
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2014, 11:36:42 AM »

Yes, that makes sense.  Though I fail to see the benefit of leaving my comfort zone, since I have little to no faith that someone found romantically appealing and good for me could work out. 

You sound like you are still in a bad headspace from the iboga journey. Give it time. My rough journey kicked the shit out of me, lessons learned, it is all good.