Topic: some questions on the shadow self

[ryu]

Hi all,


I partook in a flood over the weekend and I think this particular experience was my most difficult, particularly during phase 2 when I spent some time with my shadow self.

Of course it is the nature of Iboga to be the stern father and show me the things I have suppressed. The were some things that I couldnt look it and i tried to avoid them. After phase two finished I felt vulnerable and was consumed by fear. Fortunately for me I am able to rationalize my mindset and breathe through the experience.

The pictures that I struggled with were related to my childhood and I concluded this fear that the left behind was residue from the main experience.

The question I am asking myself is " I tried to avoid looking at this painful memory but Iboga was relentless in showing me. I relived this painful experience and because I relived it has the Iboga relieved this from my subconscious mind"

I also had to sit through this voice criticizing me. The criticisms were the same ones that came from my parents when I was a child. It was like the Iboga was showing me the program my subconscious mind/Shadow self runs on. I learned a valuable lesson here and feel I made resolve as I realized I no loner have to listen to that voice anymore because it comes from a conditioning from my parents and not my true self. I now know I can override that default program with my conscious mind.

Can you share your thoughts on the above. I am still trying to digest what it means.

Thanks,

Ryu

[ddraig]

beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Iboga was making conscious programs that were running that you were unconscious about and part of your shadow.
The act of actually making these behaviors conscious is not only seeing them and realizing them but feeling them, like grieving for the consequences and maybe even feeling rage and anger,something that was locked up in childhood since it was not safe to express ourselves then? These feelings were unsafe, thats why we are uncomfortable.

Was shown this in my first flood, behaviors/programs that I took on as my identity that no longer served me, quite the opposite: the consequences and how they were hurting myself and other people I cared about was shown to me.

Same with the fear that you had in childhood that you were able to relive, feeling through the fear again to properly process the rest of it and heal. The emotional energy that we suppress gets locked in our bodies and emotional bodies and can contribute to PTSD symptoms like emptiness and leading to unhealthy programs running. Especially when a triggering event occurs, the programs are actually a means to avoid perceived triggering events, which is why it is good to face our fears with love and acceptance. Peter Levine talks about how unnatural responses to traumatic events, by not allowing the emotional body to process the response (like drugging and gurneying up a shaking patient after a car crash say), actually creates ptsd.

Having done work with entheogens, as well as 12 step, therapy, other spiritual work to process shadow, the most healing work has been pre-verbal feeling through old unprocessed emotions which also seems to lead to unlocking memories which then help to shed light on the programs and beliefs that stemmed from this unnatural state of not unconditional feeling. Its then a choice of surrendering those old behaviors (thought forms) that made us feel safe but no longer serve us, which can still be hard to do, but easier since we are more conscious.

For me, the not being able to unconditionally feel and be myself as a young child due to taking on parent's drama (who themselves took on their parents drama) is at the root of my addictions and borderline personality disorder traits that I've been able to gradually heal from by dealing with root PTSD: http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Peter Walker, I believe rightly associates many personality disorder traits as rooted in childhood PTSD, since babies are by nature extremely needy and require a certain measure of unconditional love to develop healthily. Babies literally absorb their environments, and require constant emotional regulation and validation (mirroring)from parents that they are loved, since they are unable to do it themselves. Parents with their own emotional issues (engulfing or abandoning children for their own unconscious/unprocessed emotional needs say) will pass this on to their children.

Looking back, my first flood, iboga gave me everything I needed to move forward, and some of the work I have done in therapy has reduced back to the simple messages that iboga gave to me then.

[ddraig]

just wanted to add, I like Mary Shutan's take on recovery: http://maryshutan.com/canwegetovertrauma/

Healing does not necessarily mean erasure. Its our experiences that make us who were are:

"But people who have known this type of pain, these type of events have a depth to their soul that cannot be erased. And this, believe it or not, is a good thing. It is a rare thing. It means that you have a depth of understanding about the world, about yourself, and about the nature of things that few do (or would want to). It means that if you are able to get to that healed state that you can hold space, bear witness, and help others who are struggling to get to that place of healing…

Because people who have experienced this naturally gravitate towards one another. They may not see the “stamp”, but they will understand that you have had this depth of experience. In some cases this creates further difficulty, as people still in the “chaos” portion of their unhealed states may gravitate towards another, but in other cases this can create people who can truly help others figure out their suffering, to heal in a way that only someone who has borne witness to this type of event can."

There is at least one circumstance where a person who I fell 'in love' with during one of the lowest points in my life (parental rescue fantasy through sexual attraction), still triggers amygdala hijacks in me (can't breathe, can't talk, can't think, chest pain,burning skin, frozen in fright) and other PTSD symptoms like hyper vigilance and self hatred (trying to be perfect around them) in me when I am around them if I am not careful.  Freud was right, 'in love' feelings dredge up emotional states from our very youngest years that we had with our mothers (and fathers). I can literally feel myself regressing in age when I am around them, my heart chakra opens up with bliss, combined with the arising panic attack. This person is also most definitely borderline disordered as well (hence the unconsious attraction we had to each other that mary shutan talks about above and attraction to the drama), and we trigger each other. I have moved on in my healing and doing much better and more conscious, but they are in the same place, and its humbling to know that I have some physiological hardwiring from childhood that can still be triggered by this person. Its really not about that person, its about me.

Part of my recovery got mired in paralysis analysis, trying to heal everything rather than learning to accept who I am (what iboga showed me) and importantly how I feel. I recently got some advice from a fellow sufferer to simply just let all my emotions out unconditionally next time, rather than fight it (which actually will ultimately help the other person as well). This person who I fell 'in love' with has really been a gift in allowing me to mine gold from my shadow and heal emotional trauma. When I am progressing with my own life (and looking after myself) and comfortable in my own skin, this person does not affect me and I see them as an attractive but 'meh? really? I don't see how I fell for her', whereas when my shadow comes back, I can get triggered again. So our shadow is something that we have to live with and be conscious of.

[ryu]

Hi Ddraig,

Everything you talked about mirrors my own experiences. My initiation last week was the most powerful to date. It shown me the damage my default programming has done to me. I expected myself to be perfect and hated the flaws in my character. I suppressed my shadow and it revealed itself in years of addiction,anxiety and depression. I will always make a little space available for my shadow now.  I understand its part of who I am. If there are aspects of my character that need work then I will work with my shadow to make the necessary changes. I also realize that I have been a people pleaser and some (not all) of my motivation in helping people was my ego needing a massage. For example I would think "if I do this for them, maybe they will like me". It saddens me that I have placed such a low opinion on myself. I  love helping people but I now realize it has to come from a more genuine place.

I have also come to realize that I have spent my whole life looking for happiness and in this pursuit I have overlooked it. My happiness is right under my nose. It's my wife,children and the acceptance that I am perfect as I am and in turn so is my life.

Much light,

Ryu

[ddraig]

 Glad that you had a powerful initiation. Iboga changed my life.

Yes, people pleasing is something that I identify with as well, it also allows me to play a victim while offloading responsibilites to others (something I recently realized I was doing thanks to therapy and journaling). Its a survival skill from childhood that made me feel safe and 'in control'. It seems like most of these issues revolve around self loathing and abandonment issues, and I also have grieved at how long it took me to see this. My experience with the person I fell 'in love' with was like a destruction of the old false self, since this person affected me in such a visceral way and manipulated me in painful ways that got me to see how I was unconsciously doing the same thing to others and to that person..since we mirrored each other and she was more than my match, since I don't believe she was 'in love'. In all honesty, its caused some growth in my repressed sexuality, for instance realizing that "in love" is not really the same as Love (but can lead to it)  and some people can have a sexual attraction that is valid but not necessarily mean they will be good as life partners or even friends!

Yes, a genuine place, authenticity, rather than manipulation. Thanks for the reminder! Love and Blessings to you and your family ryu!