Author Topic: No eboka this time..  (Read 1610 times)

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Offline goatboy

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No eboka this time..
« on: March 20, 2016, 01:59:55 PM »
Just so you know, I wrote this as part of an assignment for my IOP group.

The “Force”

   My force is a result of numerous events, as I would think most peoples are.  I had hit rock bottom before, lost my girlfriend, my job, my place, and then my car. Left with nothing but a deep 5 year addiction to oxycontin, perks, as well as heroin in the end. It was only at that point that I apparently was ready to get clean by any means. I tried methadone, suboxone, both of which I hated and mostly tried to sell for a better high. AA and NA meetings triggered me to want to go and get high more than anything too. I then turned to psychedelics hoping it could help give me the insight and power to stop. That mostly turned into more partying with friends and ultimately turning to pills or dope to come down with. I knew I had to find a way, I had overdosed twice by this point and didn’t even care. After being dismissed from the hospital both times, I instantly left to go get high against anyones advice.
   With time I found a way that I believed to be the answer for myself, I had met someone that had gotten clean through a particular interesting psychedelic, iboga. After much research I was sold on it. It took me months to obtain, and in the time being I turned to heroin bad, something that was not a drug I used much before even while being very addicted to pain pills. I felt so ashamed of myself, I wanted out. It wasn’t enjoyable anymore, the most I could get out of it was numb for a brief moment, the euphoria that brought me in ceased to exist by this point. I just couldn’t handle the withdrawals and cravings, knowing that I could feel ok with a simple phone call.
   A couple months later I was able to obtain what I had been seeking in my waking moments, iboga. The root bark from an african plant was my plan to change my life. I had took this drug, in order to break my habit from the drug I was addicted to. I knew it seemed ironic, and it took several attempts, but amazingly it worked. It changed my life completely. It felt like a spiritual awakening, I had little to no withdrawal, the urges stopped miraculously, and the desire to live my life drug free began.
   I was clean for about two years, went back to school and became the manager at a new local restaurant in that time. During that time, I even got a script of perks for having wisdom teeth pulled, took them as prescribed and didn’t continue them or abuse them. I had felt powerful over my addiction now. Then I blew my knee out skateboarding, falling down a 10 stair rail. I saw a doctor and started receiving 120 30mg perks a month, I hated that I was getting such a script but felt I could control it. I didn’t even take them at first, I took ibuprofen and Advil and got rid of the perks as quickly as I could for extra income. I still felt I was in control, but it was only a matter of time that I took one. That time was a couple months into still getting this prescription, then I took another a couple days later, before I knew it I’d be out my whole script and back to buying pills from friends. I couldn’t even hold onto my script for a week before it’d be gone, mostly all consumed by myself, I had realized I lost control again.
   I went back to iboga, and I’d get clean again. I’d remain sober for a period of 7 months, 3 months, 5 months, but I always relapsed again. No one could tell for sure if I had a continuous problem, I’d prove to them I was clean when it looked like I had one. And I would get clean. it was pretty much hidden since doing psychedelics were nothing new to my friends and I on occasion. This pattern continued for the next 2 years. It felt like I had the way to get sober in my back pocket at all times, so if I relapse I can just clean up whenever I begin to lose control. It was from this that I became a master of manipulating myself but in a very unhealthy way. Of course I knew even then that it was a horrible way to go about a drug habit, and in fact not a smart plan at all to stay clean.
   Somehow I managed my way through college for Mechanical Design Engineering until I received a certificate just short of my degree but got a good job in the AudioVisual field as a CAD Design Specialist. I’ve enjoyed the work I did with the job, and was clean the majority of my time there. But I relapsed a couple times now with this job, and it was becoming a huge problem to balance my drug problem along with all the responsibilities of life and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I got a new job offer recently, I thought it may bring a new opportunity in my life. I decided I’d resign from my job, have a week to get clean again, and start this new job. Well my employer gave me a heavy counter-offer to stay when I tried to quit. More money, more PTO, a new office, and so I decided I’d stay.
   I started to resent my job, I felt I wasn’t getting much appreciation or support from a couple of my co-workers, and I was starting to use way too much now. It was getting out of control. I was surprised I was never addressed once about anything, although I knew I was falling apart inside and outside. I couldn’t find the time to get clean, and now a new problem, I lost contact with my reliable supplier for iboga to get clean. I became lost for an answer and just kept working through it not knowing what’s to come.
   Work was becoming stressful, we had two engineers and myself. The senior engineer was overwhelmed with the amount of work that was expected of us and resigned. It was then that I took on the majority of his responsibilities. The other engineer got the role of senior engineer though, and himself and I had never seen eye to eye to much. We didn’t have too good of a working relationship. It was shortly after I had attempted to put in my two weeks but decided to stay that I overheard speculation of my attempt of resigning. I overheard the other engineer arguing on the phone with someone that if I wanted to quit, to just let me quit. It made me feel unwanted even with the fact that the owner had attempted to make me feel wanted, or else just possibly needed at least for the time being. I went to HR to discuss this, after I overheard those words I talked to our HR department and requested the rest of the day off. I could not put my mind on my work when I felt that I wasn’t wanted there by who I’m suppose to work with the most.
   I left work that day and couldn’t find any pills, I settled for heroin. I had some money so I had got quite a bit of it. I used about half of it the remainder of the day. I remember talking to my ex-girlfiend that day as well but wasn’t too sure of what I said or what we talked about. But my current girlfriend did, she had my iPad which relayed all of my iMessages. I had told my ex-girlfriend I was single and bring her ass on over to have some fun. I ultimately almost got together with her and who knows what would of happened, but chances are I might have cheated on my girlfriend. I believe I passed out before we were able to meet up, it was quite pathetic and I still don’t understand my motives for it. I don’t want anything to do with my ex-girlfriend, she was a compulsive lier and that’s why we broke up. My girlfriend came over very upset, frustrated, crying, broken-hearted, knowing the conversation that had happened. She let me have it, told me off, hit me.. and I took it, I felt such shame and only apologized. I still didn’t even remember the majority of it, she had known more about what I had tried to do than myself. I was caught red-handed and all I could do was be as open as I could and apologized a million times. After trying to talk to my girlfriend, she didn’t want to hear it, I understood. I’ve been cheated on before. She wanted her space, and I resorted to use the rest of the dope I had left. I tried to talk to her once more, she still wanted her space, I decided to give her that and went to my room and passed out. When I came to the next morning my girlfriend was still there, she hadn’t left me yet. Although I wasn’t sure if I deserved it, I had some hope. I told her of my increasing habit of doing pills and dope although she obviously had her suspicions considering how high I’d be almost every single day and night. I had wanted to get clean now for over a month by now but I had a new problem. The way I got clean was no longer available, my method as I knew it to my problem was unavailable. I was so lost for answers, but my girlfriend suggested I seek help. For the first time in a long time I had health insurance, being out of dope and wanted to take some kind of action we talked about it. I had talked to her and my mother about my drug problem and admitted to them both that I needed help but didn’t know how. They both suggested I detox at a facility, I wasn’t aware it was a option, but with health insurance I took a look at it and agreed to give it a try.
   My girlfriend stayed with me as I lied in bed hesitantly to go to this detox inpatient program, I didn’t know what to expect at all really. It was then that I went in, already withdrawing bad. So far the program far exceeded my expectations and I am now clean again, without using a drug to get clean for the first time.

Rise, Run, Feed, Ripen, Wound, Wither, Fall, Rise Again...

Offline Rintrah

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Re: No eboka this time..
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2016, 10:32:28 PM »
Good read... very honest. Seems that you learned to abuse Iboga as well as part of your opiate addiction cycle. Do you think this tendency will increase or decrease for addicts if Iboga becomes legally available? Maybe if Iboga was used in a more ceremonial setting it would have rooted you deeper and you would have hesitated to make it part of your pattern?