Author Topic: Feelings, Eternity, Fear  (Read 4577 times)

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Offline Kuraudo

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Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« on: December 28, 2011, 08:50:37 PM »

First I want to thank again for all the support this forum has given me. You helped me a lot.

in medias res ...

My first time Iboga. I was very excited. Waiting for the delivery. I was well prepared and took care that I could take it the day I got it, which I did.

Dark room, 2 buckets at my bed, one at the toilet, long lasting candles spending the only light. I had 25g pure bark and 250mg HCI 95%. Starting at around 15h with a heaped teaspoon of bark. I took it in my mouth, feeling it, chewing it slowy before swallowing. The taste ... bitter and poignant. But I was very determined. Also I didn't have a sitter, so I had to be extra careful. After about an hour later the next ts, and after that every 30-40 minutes. All in all 5 ts & the HCI ... so I was at about 7-10mg / kg when it started.

I was lying on my bed without moving, feeling that I might be able to move but it would cost a lot of willpower to do so and that this motionless state was ... what had to be happening, so that work could be done on my. I didn't see much, it was mostly dark. Some abstract images from time to time, comic like, nothing I could remember. Just made up stuff. But mostly dark.

But some things where shown to me. I can't really remember when I was shown what, if it was in the first or the second 10 hours. But I think one of the first things I been shown was humankinds alienation from nature, what we have done to the whole planet, and to ourself, all the pain humankind did to itself in the process. It was ... in way like a dream. A huge screen, some pictures but A LOT of information, I just knew what was happening and feel what was going on. Also all those weapons of mass destruction like missels that can kill thousends of people in one strike, how weird and bizarre and grotesque this is ... and how completly normal they have become to us. In a way it had something extremly terrifying and horrible, but because of Iboga it was also ok to watch it.

Then at the end of the first 10 hours it finally happened. At the beginning when I wasn't sure that anything would happen at all I was begging Iboga that from all the things I wanted PLEASE let just this one thing happen. I wanted to be able to feel again. Not being dissociated anymore from my emotions. I could see and feel ... my mind ... my brain ... how I was looking at the world. I had feelings but there was this construct in my mind, so interwoven with my mind that it had become the way I percived the world. I couldn't see the thing that was blocking my emotions because this thing was what I saw with, like you can't see your own eyes without a mirror. While I did get "mirrors" to see it in my reality ... like I had a time when I injured myself to cope, when I told friends that I put out zigaretes on my arm I could see the horror in their reaction, but to be able to interpret this horror I would've needed emotions, who got blocked.

Iboga shattered this construct like .. when there is chalk in a pipe, and the pipe gets hit and the vibration lets the chalk fall of. It felt like that. This ended the first 10 hours. I went to the toilet to pee and spent some time there hanging, bucket ready. I can't remember anything I seen there but I feel into the same state I went when I went back to my bed. Again some images, again mostly stuff I can't remember ... but this time some made up from people I know like my parents and my exgirlfriend. Yes. My exgf ... I was shown what I did to her, which in a way I knew, but ... well no emotions. I didn't hit her or anything like that but you can be a complete asshole without that, and until that moment I hadn't even realised it that I was that bad. That's why I had to end it (at about 12h the next day), because I couldn't bear it anymore. I just wanted to call her and tell her how extremly sorry I felt. First I called a friend asking him if it was a good idea, but since he is very "Zen" his answer was in the lines of "everything is a way" (I love this saying - most of his help comes back to it sooner or later - it's from the film Samsara), although in everything he said he hinted that it might not be the best idea, I still wrote her some sms, but she didn't want to talk to me.

How I felt. Ha! FELT! Finally I could feel again. Imagine a highly sensitive newborn Baby getting everything that has been suppressed in 30 years in one go. Well not all at once but it was constantly flowing from my gut to my heart, eight-lane highway like. It wasn't ... too much but it was a lot, I couldn't assign anything that was flowing, it was too much for that, and this got on this way for 3 days in a row. After that it got a bit less but still a lot for about two weeks. Well the weeks after Iboga ... I think never in my life that much stuff changed in my life, and in myself.

And it doesn't end there. I tried Kambo (which I wrote about a bit in another thread) and started to drink Ayahuasca. In the last two months I drank about 12-15 times. It took a while to feel something but it helped me a lot too. Ayahuasca helped me to puke out some of my inner deamons and it healed most of my Crohn's Disease or what was left of it. Still not 100% cured but much much much better now. But it wasn't enough for me. I wanted to get rid of all my inner deamons.

Yes. Being impatient in these matters is NOT a good idea. I had used my birthday bonus at maya 2 month ago not only to buy lots of Caapi but also 2g of HCI. And I thought - well now I know how Iboga is, no problem without a sitter, I am going to take 1g (= 17mg / kg) this time and get rid of all my deamons that are left. Yeah stupid. But on the other hand, that thing in my was what I wanted to get rid of so ... :). I was feeling really good, a lot of my fears had disapeared, I could feel that even my fear of dying has grown much smaller, and I could handle my life.

I decided to take it when I got the empty vegetarien capsules from the drugstore. They didn't came because of some problems so they gave me some normal ones for free. I could start.

Again no sitter, dark room, candles, buckets. This time even a darkmask for my eyes and headphones with Bwiti music. 1g all filled in capsules - about 8. I first took 2 and about one hour later the rest.

It .... felt ... like ... an ... eternity. I felt like I was dying, and I had mortal fear, fear of dying. I knew I wasn't going to. I knew it wasn't too much. I knew people on H take more than 25mg / kg and are in a much much worse body condition than I was. I knew someone here told me I could try 1g. In a way I also knew that this was part of it, that's how the ego dies, but this I couldn't remember at that moment, but it wouldn't have helped anyway. I completly lost my nerves. At that moment I could understand why a sitter might possibly be helpful. I complety panicked. My whole body felt strange as if it was about to die. So I opened my eyes. When I had them open, everything was ok. I could feel myself and I felt normal. I knew I wasn't dying. But when I closed my eyes again, it all came back. I should've just let myself fall, but I couldn't. I was too afraid. And only 3 hours had past. I thought at least 8 should've past. As I said it felt like an eternity. So eyes open again. I was thinking if I should stop it, but I decided that I would go in again but if it is too much I would take a break when needed. After that it was kinda ok. But .. even how I went into it: "I want to be shown all my inner deamons, everything negativ, everything dark inside of me, to be able to let it go". Well. I got what I deserved.

The rest. While the first 3 hours felt like one eternity the rest felt like several eternitys. I can't remember anything. It was just ... outside of this world. Too much to grasp it with the mind, with emotions, with everything a human can percive with. I can remember that I "saw" something happening, floating by, and I thought I want to remember that, but I knew I will have forgotten it when it was gone. And I did. It was one "small" thing in all those eternitys but even that was too much to grasp. Maybe it was something with a consciousness, but ... well doesn't matter. It is the closest thing I come to remembering anything. Well some stuff from the second half.

It was like the alienation from nature but ... not images only a feeling about the condition of humankind now. Very very sad. And ... the closest thing I could describe it is guilt, but not excatly that. But in absence of a better word the guilt of humankind of what we have become, how we are living, the sadness of it all, how alone we feel, pressed in small flats, nearly no real communitys left, ... Well it was very intense. After that it was about .. in the direction of what's going to happen 2012 and how it will all end, but not excactly. I was shown ... empty buildings and the feeling of complete lonlyness. No one was there anymore, absolutly nothing living. Everything was barren and frozen and extremly lonely.

Interesting was ... this time. When it was over. I had already opened my eyes, but was lying still with my eyes closed, suddenly my exgf called me, and we talked for about 3 hours. We had talked after the first Iboga too, some weeks later, but this time, she opened up a bit more and told me some of the bad stuff I did. Hearing it after being completely open from Iboga ... it felt right, it just fitted the moment of what was going on, after going through all the guilt of humankind getting confronted with my own guilt. It was what had to happen in a way. It didn't feel good but right.

Now. About one week has passed now. And. I am still shaken. I don't really know how to cope with this feeling of having expirienced several eternitys. But I trust Iboga that it was what I had to expirience. I think I just have to let some time pass ... the first time was a bit much at first too so ... :). I will try again in a few months, but this time with much more respect again. I hope I will get another chance to let my ego die and that I will not be afraid to let go then.

Oh. Anyone knows when it is save to start with Ayahuasca again after a flood? I am holding my cuddlingpillow now nearly non stop and could need some extra support ... and Aya was very good to me too.

Thanks for your time.

Offline Jox

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2012, 08:28:32 PM »
Hi Kuraudo,

great report!!!! It sounds you are doing deep cleansing of the mind.

But why don't you start Zen practice, or do a retreat?

To me it would be very good to use the fresh mind to dwell in the present, and you will surly dive in samadhi pretty fast...

take care

Offline Kuraudo

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2012, 10:22:40 PM »
thx jox - taking care is my plan :)

when im able im meditating and doing yoga and stuff. by now im starting to feel a lot better. it has rly shaken me a lot. but a lot of stuff is happening again, letting me get through it to let go. but id say that im still more in a recovery phase, although it seems to go up again

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2012, 01:37:25 PM »
Great report friend, thanks for sharing. This is big big medicine and I am glad you have had the chance to experience it. As you have found out it can be pretty risky to do alone, always have a sitter to hand for a flood...

You describe it in vivid detail - it can be overwhelming, terrifying, beautiful and healing - all in an eternal instant. You will likely be gathering bits and pieces for weeks or months after such an experience, like trying to recall a dream.

To your question about when is it okay to do ayahuasca, just make sure you are rested and in a safe set and setting. I would say no sooner than a week, especially if one is using iboga for a drug detox.  Be sure you have the stamina for such medicine in close proximity. It would be physically safe to do it a few days after a flood, but I would recommend a few weeks of resting and reflecting on the iboga experience before using such another powerful plant teacher, but everyone is different. I still have not had the chance to try kambo and it is at the top of my list. There is a wealth of information on this site alone ( thanks KP!) about its use in close proximity to iboga and ayahuasca, I think it has tremendous physical healing properties. This may be something to consider as a possible alternative to the length and intensity of a yage session, especially early after a flood.

Take care and good luck to you whatever you choose!
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline harveyplex

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2012, 03:47:01 PM »
What a Read !!!

Offline digital_phreedom

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2012, 10:28:10 PM »
Excellent write-up Kuraudo!

These experiences are so very difficult to capture with words, but you did a great job here.  Reading this actually sent chills down my spine at some points, because a lot of what you describe very closely mirrors some of the thoughts and feelings I experienced during my first flood.

The feeling of being ok with your eyes open, and then falling back into everything and being overwhelmed when you closed your eyes was a very big part of my flood. I was very very nauseous the whole time, eyes opened or closed, but when I closed my eyes the physical nausea got a little better, but mentally it was just overwhelming.  I felt like I was falling and spinning very fast.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write this up.  I always love having good, well written reports like this to add to our collection.  It's such a great resource for people to have. 

It sounds like you're a mindful person who is taking great strides on your path to wellness.  Iboga, Kambo, and Ayahuasca are some of the best plant medicines in the world for healing, and you're definitely heading in the right direction.

Cal did a good job answering your questions about how much time to leave between your various sessions, and he knows his stuff quite well - so I would highly recommend you follow his advice.

And although it's already been stated in this thread, and all over this board, time and time again; I want to reiterate one more time how very very important it is to have a sitter.  I'm glad that this worked out for you, doing it on your own like this.. But not only is it dangerous to do this without a sitter, but it could be potentially deadly.. Ya know how hard it is to move when you're in the middle of a strong flood?  Imagine being immobilized like that and having to vomit over and over again.  It would be very possible to asphyxiate on your own vomit and choke.  So in the future, please please please try and find yourself a sitter.

I'm very glad to have you here on the forum, and even more pleased to get to read wonderful write-ups like this.  I'm hoping to hear more from you here as time goes on.  Keep on posted on your progress, yes?

Embrace this moment, remember: We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2012, 09:18:54 AM »
Very impressive courage you have to go after your root issues like you are doing.  A true warrior to be so willing to face down the things that are important and to have such a need to fully feel.  I have this problem balancing my need to face down my root issues and being on a level plane of existence.  It seems like one event can take it over the cliff and that it is somewhat of a risky way to wage the battle with the alter ego.  I have recently learned to tapir it off in order to get more organized and balanced.  It seems your last flood took it over the grand canyon with all your eternities happening in such short time.  Maybe it's best to take some time, I don't know for sure.  Since my Mama Kambo Mama experience that blew my top I have really had to just chill out and observe myself.  Because of the waiting time I have been able to learn more about the experience I went through and what mistakes I made that will help me in future endevours.  I would opt for moderation and to see what you learn in the days following your epic flood.  Things will be revealed that you wouldn't otherwise have gotten from getting involved in another download (aya).

Just my 2 cents.   Sorry this is reply is so much later than when you originally wrote the thread.

Offline roy d

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2012, 07:00:10 PM »

Hi Cal,

What's the difference between ayahuasca, a yage session I thought they were the same.



Offline GratefulDad

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Re: Feelings, Eternity, Fear
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2012, 07:53:51 PM »
Ayahuasca and Yage are the same thing.

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."