Author Topic: It was a dark and stormy night...  (Read 3126 times)

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Offline Eon T McKnight

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It was a dark and stormy night...
« on: July 30, 2010, 12:46:20 PM »
...as I lay abed, drained but still restive, unable to sleep, tortured by wave upon wave of depressed and morbid thoughts, finally to fall into a disturbed sleep as the obscured sun was trying to rise.  Yet sleep was no reprieve as the torture continued in dreams from which I could not awaken, eyelids paralyzed and unable to open, eyes unable to see.

Yeah, OK, that was a lie.  It was not stormy.

Before I continue, I must get a little administrative task out of the way.

Cal?  Friend Cal?  Brother Cal???  Please understand that I love you and am eternally grateful that you started this forum.  It has been a rock I have clung to; near enough the only place I have been able to make human contact.

With that said, please accept my resignation as global moderator and kindly relieve me of all other moderation responsibilities.  My moderator badge and axe will be coming to you in the mail, along with a bunch of books I hope you will find valuable and entertaining.  I understand that I will no longer be able to park in the reserved moderator-only parking stall.  Please send the final check to my home address.

Seriously, though, it really has been a pleasure working with you.  I hope you don't mind if I stick around as a regular member.

There are two reasons behind my resignation:

#1  The wonderful posts on this forum rarely need any form of moderation.  The one and only time I moderated anyone but myself I did a piss-poor job of it.

#2  I wish to enter the RB drawing.  Ethics and propriety prevent me from doing so as long as I am a moderator.  Whatever your views on this are, please understand that I feel there would be a dark cloud hanging over an otherwise happy outcome in the unlikely event that I should win.

You're a good friend, Cal.  THANKS for being here!

While I certainly admire and appreciate the compassionate, altruistic and charitable sentiments of all those who have entered this drawing so far, I must say that should I win, I would use the RB to treat what I guess should be called 'refractory depression'.

I am talking about the depression that is currently afflicting me.

Ya know, when I have a cold or the flu, I say "I have a cold" or "I have the flu."  But, my habit was to say "My depression."  Like I owned it and it was a part of me.  Maybe it's only a drop in the bucket, but I vow to stop doing that.  Please feel free to go up-side my head if I slip!

At any rate, I do believe that if I am ever to provide effective, unselfish help to others, as I wishfully imagine myself doing, I need to help myself first.  I need to crawl out of this hole first.  Otherwise, my efforts on behalf of others will be misguided and ineffective.

I NEVER win drawings (or the slots, horses, dogs, pools, cards, etc.  --  maybe a karmic condition?), so the following is really just hypothetical.

There are two basic ways I could go about treatment:  1) A flood dose; or 2) Maintenance doses.  In my particular case, both options have positive and negative aspects.  I do have faith in eboka to help because it has done so previously  --  via both options.

There have been a couple of recent posts regarding the daily substitution of eboka for other drugs that I really ought to consider.  One may have been by Cal, which I haven't been able to locate.  The other was by goatboy:


... I always really liked Ibo for the idea of it's not a maintenance drug you have to keep taking over and over and over...   You can take it once, and a lot of people don't have to necessarily take it again...  I'm just saying I think a good mixture of looking into his situation/any possible issues, start working on that AND trying a booster ... is a good idea before completely surrendering yourself to be dependent daily or even weekly on another drug for so long even though it's not half as harmful as the opiates, it's still a drug, and that's still dependency.  And maybe, just maybe, he happens to be a person that might need to be dependent on something, and ibo is the ladder, but shouldn't he try 'fixing' his own situation first..


Yeah, eboka certainly is different from drugs of abuse.  On the other hand, my objective is to be sane, healthy and not dependent on any drug.  I really need to determine if daily dosing, for me in particular, is just trading one dependency for another or if it will ultimately yield beneficial results.

Though PAWS may be a significant part, please understand that I was depressed before I ever got strung-out.  Those 'bad' drugs were initially helpful in treating that depression but became not just ineffective but also ended up adding to the depression.  Now that I have booted those drugs out of my life, I still have the task of eliminating the depression before me.

Oh yeah, back to the story...

With a supreme act of will, I opened my eyes and awoke.  Shaking my head and muttering, I sat before my computer and wrote this post.  (fin)

ET McKnight
« Last Edit: July 30, 2010, 12:48:07 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2010, 05:20:41 PM »
Well Eon my friend...awesome post, as usual. I only have a brief moment online right now but I wanted to reply to your post, and will elaborate when I get a chance. Things are hectic right now...

I guess you have earned the right to 'demote' yourself. True enough there is little in the way of moderation needs here (thus far) but as we grow there may be room for more. I will certainly honor your wishes and I do appreciate that you have been available for service with us, for the record you can enter anyway, but I understand your position that if you win it might 'look' or feel 'funny'...especially since you say you've never won any kind of drawing before, it would be one of life's sweet little ironies that you'd get pulled outa the hat if you were a global mod - then shit would look rigged lol. So, thanks for helping out around here and I am glad that you're a part of our crew!

"So ironic that it isn't...so un-ironic that it is" My mantra these days.

I'll reply in full when I get more time. Love ya buddy, Cal
« Last Edit: July 30, 2010, 05:24:19 PM by calaquendi »
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2010, 06:49:00 PM »
Cal, thanks for being the understanding gentleman that you are!

Just one thing, I prefer to look at it not as a demotion but as an adjustment.  A little fine tuning.

And I see that I have already been adjusted.  K00L!

"it would be one of life's sweet little ironies that you'd get pulled outa the hat if you were a global mod - then shit would look rigged"

Yeah, no shit.  Well now that I'm NOT a mod, I can rest assured that my NON-winning streak will remain unbroken.

I was thinking of making a $200 wager that I would NOT win.  What a paradox!  I was just afraid that the cosmic conflict would cause pk's server to burst into flames...

Love ya too, big boy.  Kiss, kiss ? ? ?

et

Offline riverhaven

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2010, 08:03:57 PM »
You guys are still public-- we aren't at the ladies only place we come from-- that's where you truly need no moderation.  You all want to build this forum and I think you are going to be sorry you lost Eon so early-- he's always here... he's available to help, he does is best and I think as a public forum you will need mods.  But you can always add him back after he loses his bet and wins.  LOL

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2010, 06:35:24 PM »
BTW, since I live in the Unenlightened Stalag of Amerika, I will have the RB delivered to a quaint little cabin I know of in the North woods near Sioux Lookout, Ontario.  It is there I shall partake of the medicine, in the very improbable event that I should win.

~et

Offline goatboy

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2010, 11:59:12 AM »
SHIIIIT!  -  I had just wrote a pretty long response to this, only for my browser to automatic close on me unexpectedly.  My computer is starting to go to shit lately.  So shitty.

Um, ok, now I have to think of what I said and whenever this happens it never comes out worded the same way it was, or I liked or wanted..

This drawing is getting pretty deep.  There is absolutely no way I am even thinking about entering it anymore.  I was thinking about entering to give it away to someone but with these entries, I would no longer wish to have that kind of decision or power at all.  All of these entries have VERY good intentions and I wish everyone the best.  I just look forward to whoever the winner is, that hopefully they may have a follow up on the bark, and how they used it for their or another's benefit.

Eon - I sincerely hope you find some way to get over this slump of depression.  I think you've been a VERY unselfish help for many many people here, as well as effective and with a charm.  You go out of your way so much just to help someone else.  You should find some happiness in that I would hope, I'm sure you do, but you really deserve a big pat on the back man.  The iboga gods must be pleased with your help and work.  I try to be nice and help others as much as I can, really do, but I think I rub off on people the wrong way sometimes, and lately I'm so busy getting my life back together that I don't have half the time I want.  I think you come down on yourself way too much for how courteous you really are.  No need for that man, your a great guy, incredibly smart, you need to lift yourself up.  I wish I had the answer for how you could do that, I'd help if there was any way I could, but I trust in you that you will figure all this shit out.  (See this is not at all how I worded my first post, fucking old ass iMac)

I was thinking of making a $200 wager that I would NOT win.  What a paradox!  I was just afraid that the cosmic conflict would cause pk's server to burst into flames...

Love ya too, big boy.  Kiss, kiss ? ? ?

Hahaha.  I SO hear ya on that.  We wouldn't want this whole forum to be knocked out from rotation!

And easy you two.  Isn't there a private forum yall can do that on?  haha j/k  ;)



Rise, Run, Feed, Ripen, Wound, Wither, Fall, Rise Again...

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2010, 12:54:05 PM »
Aw shucks, goatboy, I'm blushing...

I really do appreciate your kind words and encouragement!  Such sentiments are more helpful than all the drugs in the world  --  and all without any side-effects!

"but I think I rub off on people the wrong way sometimes"

You sure don't rub me the wrong way.  Ya know, I have real doubts about how I come across, too.  Do ya think it might have something to do with that anxiety bug we share?

You might want to think again about entering the contest, goatboy.  From all the reports out there, sub is one nasty sukka to quit.  Yours is one of the most inspiring success stories here on the Forum  --  especially given the difficulties you overcame just getting some real eboka into your belly.

Though I expect your new job, with lots of physical activity, will go a long ways to healing you and preventing relapse, we don't want to have our spokes-model succumb to a moment of weakness...   ;D

Thanks for your friendship and concern!

Eon

Offline goatboy

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2010, 10:50:02 AM »
I really do appreciate your kind words and encouragement!  Such sentiments are more helpful than all the drugs in the world  --  and all without any side-effects!


 ;D  I like the little sentiment that goes 'Don't use dope, BE dope'

It's kinda like my other saying, that I say probably far too often (a lot of times just to call people out on their bullshit)  'Don't talk about it, BE about it'  Oh man have I got some into trouble with those little words of wisdom.. including people reversing it and using it on me :)  But I mostly use them as words to motivate positively.

And I still not entering.  I feel honored you'd say those words for me though, thank you!  Maybe if I felt this spokes-model had any moment of weakness coming across his path, he would enter.  But he is doing rather well and would not feel good about it if he were to win.  Bests of lucks!!


Rise, Run, Feed, Ripen, Wound, Wither, Fall, Rise Again...

Offline GratefulDad

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2010, 05:50:36 PM »
Good Luck!!
GratefulDad

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: It was a dark and stormy night...
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2010, 06:03:49 PM »
Thanks GD!

goatboy, your strength and confidence are an inspiration to us all!  BTW, how much is Cal paying you spokes-models nowadays?  (hehe)   ;D

~eon