Author Topic: Reset, Relapse and Recovery  (Read 6993 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Calaquendi

  • cosmic elf
  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1600
    • View Profile
Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« on: August 03, 2010, 01:23:15 AM »
Hi friends -

Not that long ago a friend gifted me with some root bark to (again) flood and reset...I have struggled long and hard with severe opiate addiction. I have been a chronic relapser - in spite of my several iboga experiences. These though have gotten me farther along the road than I ever imagined. Never before had I been able to put any real time together, and the quality of that time has also been enhanced by the Wood.

Some of you may know that my brother has recently suffered a brain stem stroke. He is very dear to me and we are very close. He is also younger than I am by 18 months. This has been extremely hard for him and for my family. I have only recently done another flood to help kick the habit and I am not yet in the space of being very strong - for myself or my family - and this happened...He needs help getting around, although he is doing better by the day, we still are very gun shy and both of us are on 'eggshells' fearing another episode. There is no warning for a stroke - it comes out of the blue...Anyways, he has been going to 12 step recovery meetings off and on, though now he is going more frequently. He has found being around people soothing and comforting. I have to drive him around as he has not recovered to the point of being able to operate a vehicle safely. Tonight I attended his 'home group' with him...

Several years ago I spent a little time in AA recovery, and while I do not subscribe to their philosophies 100% I gained much from the time I was there. Tonight I found myself moved by the discussion, and felt very relaxed and comfortable among these people. I have very few friends here in the city....very few. In fact, I can count them on one hand. What I DO have are dangerous acquaintances - and plenty of them. It hasn't been too hard thus far for me to stay away from these people, especially since brother needs me around so often, but it has been kind of hard feeling like I have nowhere to go...no one to spend time with. I want to be around people that have actual GOALS - folks who are actively seeking to improve their lives, and stop just drifting, watching the rest of the world live while I stare at the TV and cuss out the anchorman on CNN. I need some discipline in my life, and I have always had such difficulty doing this on my own. I know many of you feel the same as I do regarding 12 step recovery, that is...ambivalent. But being around this particular group was very refreshing, and the sincerity that I was shown made me take a closer look at the potential there. I think I am going to suspend smoking any weed or doing anything even remotely mind altering...for a while at least, and attend some meetings with him. It bolstered my emotional state quite a bit and really made me think hard about some things. If I continue to isolate myself, it will be only a matter of time before I end up at the wrong place, with the wrong people. I am not working, and still find it difficult to be around 'strangers' for any length of time. I need to get back in to the rhythm of a life...a healthy life and I think this would help me do just that. I have not been able to do 'this' by myself...my track record is hideous, and if I do not begin some kind of healthy lifestyle now, it will be another repeat, another relapse and I don't know how many times I can handle it. I have pushed my mind and my body so far with drugs that I do not think I have much left in the way of getting clean again if I found myself back in that boat. I owe it to myself and my family to do the best I can and I believe that I need to totally abstain from everything for a while to clear myself out.

I have to have oral surgery very soon...I went to the dentist last week and she would not pull this evil molar because it was too 'complicated' and required a surgeon. I am in a lot of pain and have to take antibiotics and even some painkillers too. I have tried to not take any but it is abscessed and this has been going on for a while - it needs to be dealt with. If I surround myself with people who genuinely give a shit, and who have some REAL GOALS - I just might find myself making and achieving goals for myself. I am not nor will I be an AA freak, or book thumper as they call themselves, but I am going to spend some time around some of the men I met tonight. I see people who have come so far, endured so much and are so healthy...the only way I can see myself becoming like that is to learn from them. I cannot afford another relapse into that dangerous world, and most of my relations here in town are far from safe for me. My two best friends outside my family are achtwan and pkeffect. Achtwan was my first exposure to ibogaine, he and I were at a methadone clinic together for many years, and he is one of the few people I know that have 'got this' in one go around, with zero relapse. Pk has taught me much about healing plants - and I have watched him closely - learning what I know about doing all this online stuff (he'd say I still have a long way to go lol). It was pkeffect who set this forum up. He 'gave' it to me after my first flood, to see if I could grow it, something to pour my time in to, something to keep my mind occupied and keep me away from all the vampire junkie assholes I ran with...something I could focus on and help to create. He has never himself been an addict and has often been frustrated trying to understand how and why these relapses happen to his friends.

I have been under enormous stress lately and have dodged a few bullets...'triggers'...phone calls and the like from the dark side. I feel very sensitive -even vulnerable and the looming shit with getting my face cut open scares the shit out of me. I'm not that much of a wimp, but I am not a pain junkie either, and I will need some support in the coming weeks. I think I would be a fool not to do something so important as to try anything and everything I can to keep myself safe and healthy. It's time to grow up. I will always have the position I do on drugs, especially the plant teachers. I will always advocate our BIRTHRIGHTS to use these medicines to heal ourselves and our brothers and sisters. I know that most if not all 12 step programs do not understand or accept what I have tried to do with this forum, and my position on iboga/ibogaine - but the way I see it - that ain't my problem...I'll use their own cliches on them: "take what you want and leave the rest"

I'll take what I want, a life that includes some spiritual growth and discipline, and I need other people right now to help with this. So far, every time I have tried to do this by myself, it seems like in no time I am back in the same desperate spot...needing 'emergency' help and not being available to myself or my family. Just...sick. I don't want to be sick any more. I don't want to live in a perpetual crisis, and that is how I have been living for a long time.

This sort of sounds like I am saying 'so long'...I ain't. I am saying that I need to try something different for myself, and tonight was a surprising eye opener for me. I think that a few meetings a week and some real commitment to myself is a good place for me to start. What's the worst thing that could happen? I could stay away from the assholes that call themselves 'friends' and maybe put some real clean time together for the first time since my initial flood. As much as I appreciate iboga and what it has done for me, I have failed many times in the follow-up, thinking, incorrectly and disrespectfully, that if I fucked up, I could always 'just flood again'...what the hell is that? That is no way to come to such a blessing...it is harmful in its basic thinking too, that a chemical, regardless of how benign or beneficial, can do for me what I will not otherwise do for myself. I have not implemented the lifestyle changes that I know I need to in order to remain opiate-free and begin a true spiritual awakening. Iboga is only the start - and I am the one responsible for myself, though this is still new territory for me. Thanks for lending an ear  - and please don't freak out and think I'm gonna get all crazy on you guys - I assure you that the only way I'll go crazy is if I find myself BACK in the dark, needing once more to start from scratch. I can't keep going that way. So, we'll see how this goes, and I love all you guys...Ken
« Last Edit: August 03, 2010, 01:41:54 AM by calaquendi »
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline goatboy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 174
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2010, 06:05:03 AM »
Friend Cal - you know were hear for you 100% right?  Thanks for opening up and letting that all out.  That, I feel, is something you got to do to move on to the next step.  I know after my flood some of my family and friends could even tell the difference in me before I even said anything, and it was kind of uncomfortable telling them what I REALLY have been through and been doing since I tried masking my addiction by telling people I been just drinking or it's my medication that's making my nod off.  But it was relieving to tell them the truth and now I've recovered and this is the real me.  Even though a lot of them I felt kinda some just watching me with caution, I got more support than I even imagined.  So letting that stuff out is very theraputic I feel, and most times a necessary step.

I am sorry there are not many 'good' friends (influences) live by you.  That is unfortunate but know that you have a ton here that would be overwilling to lend an ear anytime.  Over the phone, on here, in person if near by, whichever.. I know I'd help you with whatever I can, I mean that sincerely, hope you know that.

And take what you can out of those meetings.  If it is helping you and some good influencial people, stick with it even if you don't agree with thier system completely, they do have good intentions.  Hopefully you can meet more people with positive ideas and outlooks, sounds like the one your going to isn't all that bad.  Stick with it bro and take all the good out of it that you can.  Maybe you can find some new people to surround yourself with.

Also do some hobbies, for me skateboarding has created great sober times a plenty after flood.  I most of the time meet some cool ass people and it's something that most my old junkie friends don't really do so keeps them away and me busy.  Not saying to skateboard but whatever fits you.  I also love to frisbe golf, play baseball, basketball, all that good stuff.  Try to find the fun and joy of that stuff again.  And it doesn't have to be that active if you ain't feeling up to that, I know my dad just will play chess or board games with me and that's still fun.  Also I have been playing Texas hold em weekly with some good friends, in fact I just recently won a big game not for the first time this summer, crazy considering how unusual that is.  But you can meet new cool people like that.  There are a lot of poker tournaments in every city you can partake in with some good people if you are into that kinda thing.

I don't know what to say about your brother though besides you have all my sympathy and I am keeping him and you in my thoughts.  Seems like you've been there a lot for him and I know that can be stressful but it shows the kind of person you are.  You have been nothing but a good positive person to me too, and for that I am forever thankful.  So keep yourself surrounded by the same and know you always have us, the little nice family/community you graciously put together, anytime! 

The toof thing, well know that they'll numb you good, maybe put you out, if not close your eyes and although uncomfortable you shouldn't feel shit.  I know what your saying though, that kinda shit will freak me out too but know it could be worse.  And please please please be careful with any pain meds they will hand out, you know that though I hope.  You won't be able to just flood again forever.  Know where addiction will put you, even if you can just flood again, that's not healthy and you will continue to surround yourself around those people and it will become a never ending rat race.  And you have so much potential in you, as you can clearly see, please don't waste it.  We need ya buddy!!!

With tons of compassion and much healing for you -

GB 
Rise, Run, Feed, Ripen, Wound, Wither, Fall, Rise Again...

Offline harveyplex

  • a bizzy buzzing bee
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 512
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2010, 07:18:43 AM »
Cal ,
you are my brother.
thanks for the heartwarming transmission .
i wish you and your brother the best always.
there are many routes to salvation.
much (one) love ,
- hp

Offline x

  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 590
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2010, 02:41:49 PM »
Brothermine,

It sounds as if you are apologising for taking help where it's offered.

I APPLAUD YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't heard you this clear, sincere or open for awhile.

I have so much love for you, I am behind you 100%, I am here for for you, anything I can do, I will do. I got your back, brother. You already know this.
You got da number, I got yours. Love for the long haul!!!!!

Tia

Offline Eon T McKnight

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 796
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2010, 11:21:01 PM »
Dood!  ya kno I feal a reel kenship wit you!  If i cood only mak you laff or sumthing...    ;D

But seriously, brother Cal, you are a kind and loving person.  You have been an inspiration to me and all of the others here.  You have gone above and beyond to take care of your brother in his time of need.

You are a damn fine person and I'm grateful to know you!

Please don't ever forget that, buddy!

Love Ya!   (sorry, no kisses this time, people are beginning to talk...   ;D  ;D  ;D)

Eon

PS  --  You do KNOW that EVERYONE here will do what they can for you, right?  Don't be shy.  Us folks on this here Eboka Forum love to help!  ~et
« Last Edit: August 03, 2010, 11:23:08 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Calaquendi

  • cosmic elf
  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1600
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2010, 12:14:51 PM »
Thank you all for the warm replies, made me feel good. I got so much going on here its crazy...I guess this is what happens when you decide to feel again...that you feel again. It ain't all pretty that's for sure. Things just keep gettin crazier man, my dog of 14 years had some kind of episode yesterday - the vet said it was the equivalent of a person having a stroke, something neurological. She is in the hospital and I don't know if she'll come out man. She's my best friend. I hate this shit - all my coping mechanisms are shot, I haven't developed any yet so - I'm losing my fucking mind over things. This is why I have to find something, some way to hold on and get through painful times without sticking a needle in my arm. Shit just keeps piling up - money, health, you name it. I really don't  know how people don't all go crazy - all the time?

Anyway, having friends like you all here has been a great relief and source of some comfort for me. I hate to be 'crisis boy' and live with perennial doom but that seems to be what's happening to me. I get really angry at it all - mad at God - whatever that is -mad at 'the stars' or fate or whatever you wish to call it. I am seeking answers and haven't found any. I guess I just need to plug away 'trudge' as they say, though the very notion of having to do that pisses me off. I want to be healthy happy and whole - that's what I want, and I hope one day I can be. I ain't condoning it, but I can see why people blow shit up...

I realize everyone has hardships, and my life right now is a cluster fuck, but it's a hard pill to swallow that most of the mess I am in is because of my own choices. I can't help my brother and my dog are sick, but it is my own fault that I don't have any mechanisms in place to let these emotions flow in a safe and healthy manner. I feel like I am being tested too soon and that I need some time to grow into a new kind of being before I get hit with shit, but that's immature and naive...even vanity. Talking helps, seems to be the one thing that does right now and I am glad to have you all to talk to. Love you people...gotta go for now. Thanks guys.
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline roy d

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 832
  • Just do the best ya can
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2010, 02:34:01 PM »

Hi Cal,

I think what your having is called a rough time, yea we all have them.  You say you can't help your brother, maybe not but I believe you did the best you could.  You have this site that helps many of people, may even of saved some lives and made others worth living - not bad.  About the dog, you have had the dog for 14 years that's a very long time, thank God you had that long for it is longer than most.  Sometimes life gets out of whack but you live through it and in time it goes back in line.  You think your being tested, it is sometimes the hard knocks that make you tough or experienced enough to handle the hard times, see. Oh, don't get me wrong I sometimes rant and rave and bitch too.  And I am sure you know that all good dogs go to heaven, no I am not being funny I believe they go to the same place as we do, of course that's just me.

 Roy

Offline Calaquendi

  • cosmic elf
  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1600
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2010, 05:08:34 PM »
Yeah Roy - everybody has a hard time sometimes, that's for sure, and I didn't mean for this thread to turn into a bitch-fest, but reading it over it looks like it's become a bummer-blog. I'm just super frustrated and tired of feeling helpless I think. Thanks for your kind words, man - this forum gives me something to look forward to and a place to rant, with genuine people who are serious about looking out for one another. I'm grateful for that...

To everyone else who has been so kind, thank you - sometimes being reminded that not everyone is out to get you can lift a person up and give them hope. It's a fucking cruel world sometimes and as much as I would love to destroy shit, I better not...then I wouldn't be able to see who wins the contest. I'm waiting for a call from the veterinarian to see what's up with Ree-dog (fat and stupids as pk calls her) It doesn't look good, but there's a thin hope that she could recover enough to come home. I know that 14 years is a long time and I am sooo grateful to have enjoyed her for this long, I guess it is never a good time to lose a pet, and I should try to look at all the time I have been lucky enough to spend with her. Gratitude is another area I am working on. With me, the glass is always - or has always been - half empty. It will require some real shift in my thinking and perceptions to change this, I guess in the long run that is up to me...as are so many other aspects of my life. Like I said - it's a new and novel idea this, being responsible for myself...and this includes my feelings and my outlook. Thanks to all for listening.
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline Eon T McKnight

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 796
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2010, 09:56:26 PM »

I didn't mean for this thread to turn into a bitch-fest


You know that confession is a part of the Bwiti initiation.  They do it for a reason.  It's therapeutic.  It enables one to leave past 'sins' and failures behind and move forward.

Look at all the wailing and moaning I did here about shame and anxiety.  Yeah, it was ugly as hell and caused me a huge amount of pain that stuck around like a 5-day hangover, but it helped.  I had never been able to tell anyone the things I did here on the Forum.  Not my friends, not my shrink, no one.  I am very thankful for the kind and understanding people here on the Forum that allowed me to rant on and lent a sympathetic ear and gave me great advice.

Like Roy said elsewhere in other words, this place is like a 24x7 AA meeting except without the bitching-out and guilt trips.  Let it out  --  you're among people who love you.

Your Bother,  Eon

Offline GratefulDad

  • Dead Head
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1364
  • Uncle Sam wants you to be a Shaman!!
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2010, 02:57:16 AM »
Quit your whining, you pussy, we all gotta deal with crap in our lives!!!  Just kidding man!  Seriously, it's true, but it's our passion as humans, to find a place to fit in, to find people who care, to communicate our fears and our desires.  It's probably one of the most important things we do.  When we become addicts, we shut ourselves off from all that, and suck up our pain, and nod off into bliss, or the illusion of it.  Now you are feeling again, and it just so happens, it's time to feel some of the rough shit.  This MAY BE a test, and a way to make you much stronger!  You can handle it, and you must, for the reasons you have described here, for your brother, for yourself!  Keep on venting here, crying, whining, SHARING, as this is how you develop better coping skills then those you have had in the past.  We all learn, share, and get advice that we may apply when we reach out, so don't ever feel bad about it.  We all love you man, so keep your head up, and keep us posted if/when/how we can help.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2010, 02:59:12 AM by GratefulDad »
GratefulDad

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

Offline Eon T McKnight

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 796
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2010, 02:12:07 PM »
Cal, I see you received some excellent advice from GD.  Further proof that you have some real, close friends that will do what they can to help.  That sort of thing gives you good feelings and a sense of hopefulness, I'm sure.

I have been thinking about your situation and would like to offer a couple of things that I sincerely hope will help.

First, stop ruminating over your problems.  Thinking about all that BS in a repetitive fashion only increases anxiety and depression.  It gets to be a habit  --  a negative, unhelpful, unhealthy pattern  --  that gets 'burnt' into the circuits of one's brain, making the patterns even harder to eliminate.  Allow me an example based upon your posts:

INSANITY PROGRAM TO MAXIMIZE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION

1)  My dog is sick.

2)  My brother is sick.

3)  My tooth hurts.

4)  I got no money to fix those things.

5)  I am anxious and depressed and more than a bit angry about 1) through 4).

6)  Number 5) is wrong, and I feel guilty about thinking and feeling that way.

7)  Go back to 1) and repeat all until I am beside myself and want to scream.  Repeat for what seems like forever.

In computer programming, that is what is called an 'infinite loop' and the CPU resources get tied up executing those programming instructions endlessly  --  leaving no CPU cycles available for doing other helpful and healthy work.

Watch what is going on in you mind and emotions.  If things start repeating over and over, stop the viscous cycle!  I can tell you from my own experience that, at first, doing so is nigh on to impossible.  But I can also tell you that if you work on it, you will be able to do it.  (I will gladly share the tricks I have found that are helpful in doing so.)

But, "How do I solve those problems if I don't think about them?" you ask.  Intuition.  Use your intuition to discover solutions.  When the brain is going round-and-round, intuition has a damn hard time being heard.  When you put a stop to the endless, repetitive rumination, letting you mind be clear and empty, solutions will come.  Put a stop to repetitive rational thought and your powerful and insightful intuition will rise up from the depths.

Secondly, I have been using the anti-depressant moclobemide, which is an MAOI (a RIMA), and found that not only is it very helpful for depression, it also has helped me considerably with general anxiety.  While past experience shows that it has very little effect on full-blown panic attacks in progress, I have not had a panic attack in the ~3 weeks that I have been using it.

Though not approved by them fuckheads in the FDA, it is available pretty reasonably over the web.  While all MAOIs/RIMAs have safety considerations, moclobemide is acknowledged as the safest of the lot.  We would need to discuss precautions.

I will be more than glad to send you enough for 2 weeks  --  I find that they kick-in in just a matter of a couple of days.  Moclobemide is different in action than them worthless SSRIs and have, for me at least, far better results and extremely minimal side effects.

If you want to try it, let me know and I will have some in the mail the same day.

Tu Amigo,

Eon T McKnighto
« Last Edit: August 05, 2010, 09:01:15 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline Eon T McKnight

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 796
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2010, 04:02:46 PM »
Pal Cal!

Still thinking about you, my friend.  Seems to me you absolutely GOTTA get that tooth taken care of.  I have had episodes of continual pain and they really messed up my mind  -- those episodes made me grouchy, short-tempered, withdrawn and depressed.  I can take pretty much any level of brief severe pain, but even mild continuous pain will send me over the edge if it goes on and on.

Dental problems are a real bitch, probably due to the fact that we don't survive for long if we don't eat.  Evolution may have 'wired' our brains to be especially sensitive and anxious about oral/dental pain for that very reason.

Is there a dental college/school nearby?  They're usually the cheapest and the work is closely supervised by an accomplished professor.  Have you gotten a price for the work?  I'm thinking the price for a single extraction should be under $1000.  Have you approached an oral surgeon about a payment plan?  Maybe there's a different dentist that will do the job?

I just can't help thinking that the need for pain relief is going to stand in your way of getting clean and staying that way.

Shit man, if you want me to, I'll load up a satchel with vice-grips, pliers, hammer and chisel and come down there and do it myself!

Hey, here's another great idea!  Go to a local biker bar, get stinkin' drunk, pick out the biggest, toughest, ugliest biker in the place and start insulting  his mother.  When you see him making a fist, turn your cheek, point to where the tooth is and say:  "Come on ya weak-tit pussy motherfucker, take your best shot!"

Hopefully, when they fix your broken jaw in the ER, they'll take the tooth out, too...

Well, possibly those aren't the best ideas, but am I getting my point across?

Being totally serious here:  If you can find a dentist/surgeon who will take a reasonable down payment to do the job, I'll help in any way I can.  Yeah, times are tough, but a least I'm not in constant pain.

Ya gotta eliminate the root of the problem (problem tooth, that is)!

My sincere apologies if I am being overly pushy here.  Apologies, too, if I am not being pushy enough.

Love Ya, Brother!

Eon
« Last Edit: August 06, 2010, 04:10:35 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline roy d

  • Banzi
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 832
  • Just do the best ya can
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2010, 08:17:28 PM »

Howdy,

I have had good luck with clove oil.  You got to go to the drug store and get real clove oil you do not want the kind that is for flavoring food. They used to sell a small bottle for a dollar then they improved it by adding a little cotton and call it a toothache kit that sells for about five dollars.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't.

Wishing you good luck,

 Roy
 

Offline x

  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 590
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #13 on: August 07, 2010, 04:40:50 AM »
Thinking about you, my brother.
And your pup, and your bro.

I'm just sittin' here watching the wheels go 'round and 'round.
(Is it playing in your head yet?)

You are going through the middle of it. Keep on keepin' on. You are loved.

Tia

Offline Calaquendi

  • cosmic elf
  • Donating Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1600
    • View Profile
Re: Reset, Relapse and Recovery
« Reply #14 on: August 07, 2010, 02:50:00 PM »
Quote
I just can't help thinking that the need for pain relief is going to stand in your way of getting clean and staying that way

I agree totally...that fucking molar broke off last night, exposing the nerve. It's awesome. The local resources are for shit here - I have tried the University and they are DICKS. You wouldn't believe their fees. Still, I made an appointment, they will not see me on an emergency basis, even though this is urgent, unless I am 'already a patient'...well, my earliest appointment is on the 23rd, and that's a long time to be in this kind of pain. Yes, I'm an addict, yes addicts make excuses, but this is the real thing here. I have had dental issues ongoing for some time, but this is one that really needs help - and fast. It is a constant, not something I can blow off (that's what got me here in the first place) so I am still trying to figure out how I can fix this...I know as well as anyone the dangers in me taking narcotic analgesics, but it is also dangerous to take the amounts of advil (ibuprofen) that I have been taking - 1000mgs at a time (QID) for this pain. It fucking hurts man. The sooner I get it out the sooner the pain will stop. I'm really doing everything I can to deal with this with the very limited resources at my disposal. I don't get it - the University here blows, and they're flat out mean on top of it. They used to take patients and charge them on a sliding scale but they don't do that anymore since they renovated the dental school...if I had insurance or any fucking money - why in God's name would I even go there and be someone's mid-term??

So yeah, this is a concern - I have taken small amounts of pain meds and they scare me. But I'll be pissing blood from the amounts ibuprofen I have to take if I am not careful. Once this is (somehow) finally removed, I won't need anything. I hate the whole situation and I am really trying to heed the advice you all have given me. Eon - I may take you up on the moclobemide I'll PM you. It means alot all the responses to this rant, you guys are my friends and I know you care about me.

I have very little personal space these days, I have to be close around for family and such and sometimes I feel trapped almost. This forum has been a refuge for me in many ways. I hate to complain, I am cognizant of how unhealthy it is to do so all the time, I know it only makes things worse, but I needed to get some things out.

I will still need major dental work when I can afford it if I ever can, I feel unattractive and it fucks with my confidence. I used to be real outgoing but when you can't smile for fear of being looked at like leper - it is hard. Smiling is good for us, and I want to smile, but I don't do it very often becuase I am afraid of what I look like. I used to be a nice looking fellow - maybe even a bit cocky - perhaps this is a lesson on appearances? I don't know. I have an analytical mind and it gets carried away often...to the point of thinking too much and over analyzing every little detail. I know there are people out there who'd gladly trade my problems for their own - who might think I'm a wimp, but everything is relative. My brain is my biggest foe sometimes and I want to make it my ally, after all we're stuck together.

That's it for now loved ones, thank you all so much for caring, I really do love each of you.

PS> thought you'd like to know, doggie is doing better (total miracle I was sure it was curtains) :)




« Last Edit: August 08, 2010, 08:39:10 PM by calaquendi »
" I am you and what I see is me..."