Author Topic: damnit...  (Read 3784 times)

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Offline digital_phreedom

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damnit...
« on: September 05, 2010, 12:41:52 AM »
I feel kinda shitty right now.. Well, starting to get better. But I drank tonight and I feel bad about it. I've always hated that guilty feeling I get from drinking/using when I know I probably shouldn't...

I recently joined a band in my area, which is GREAT for me because now I get to play live music again. I get to play guitar, keyboards, and sing in this group, so it's perfect for me.. We had our first full practice today, and it was also the drummers birthday party. I decided one beer for this celebration would probably be fine, and I kind of wanted to see how it would feel after the Iboga anyway... But of course, one beer turned into 4 or 5 throughout the night, which for me still wasn't that much, but enough to make me feel bad about it.

I didn't feel drunk. Not at all. No buzz, no good feeling. Just kind of sick and a headache. So it was pointless anyway. But what it did do was make me feel like shit in my head, and make my thoughts start to race.. Also, when I first started to be able to tell there was alcohol in my system.. I felt like I was coming up on Iboga. It was very weird.. We were right in the middle of "Man in the Box", when all of a sudden I hear a buzzing in my head, I feel like I'm sinking into my body, and I start seeing flashes of light and trails... It eventually subsided but it was really strong and weird.

Anyway.. just wanted to share this with someone other than myself. I still feel lame about things.. but I was kind of waiting for the plant to tell me when it was time for my flood... well there's no doubt for me anymore. It's flood time.. I don't think I'll be able to do it until next Sunday or so.. so I'm probably going to use another small booster Monday, and then start preparing for 1300mg all at once on Sunday.. I know it will work out how it's supposed to.. but yeah, it's definitely time for me to reach flood levels.
Embrace this moment, remember: We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2010, 01:32:40 AM »

But I drank tonight and I feel bad about it.

But of course, one beer turned into 4 or 5 throughout the night, which for me still wasn't that much, but enough to make me feel bad about it.

I didn't feel drunk. Not at all. No buzz, no good feeling. Just kind of sick and a headache.


digital, you ain't the first and you won't be the last  --  don't feel too bad, but just bad enough.   ;)  Consider yourself lucky that you had the 'beer experience' so that you will know what not to do after your flood.

Booze does kill the ibo glow, in my experience.  Drink enough (like 5 beers a night for a week) and it will be eliminated completely, I am sure.  Since I did not consider booze to be a problem for me, I did not quit drinking post-ibo.  On the negative side, it reduced my glow, but on the positive side it led me to see that, contrary to previous thoughts, I was indeed drinking too much.  I have since curtailed my drinking and have imposed a 2 drink maximum (wine or beer only, with 1 or preferably more days in between) on myself that I am happy with.

I, too, did not get buzzed and thought I was gonna puke on an amount of alcohol that would never have made me queasy at all pre-ibo.  Guess my booze receptors were reset.  (chuckle)

Along with booze, I have also significantly reduced or quit a number of other things that I didn't consider unhealthy pre-ibo.  I'm betting that you will be affected similarly.  Yeah, I feel bad about previous stupidity, but I am happy and thankful that ibo showed me the error of my ways.

You can be happy and thankful, too, that ibo is doing its work in you.  Be glad that you're aware enough to notice.

~et

Offline x

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2010, 01:34:52 AM »
Digital,

You did not fail! Hey?

What did you learn? That alcohol doesn't do what it used to. That it's kinda bad for your body, you felt that! So, you have the lesson. No failure in learning.

Next time you're in the same situation, you'll have this memory, this learning on board. Maybe it'll take a few times. Maybe not...

Time to get past the shame game. It is what it is.

So another boost, then flood. I'm thinking of you.

Tia

Offline Calaquendi

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2010, 04:14:26 AM »
Thanks for sharing that digital...get that stuff off your chest and drag it into the light! Look dude, don't sweat that at all - in fact look on the bright side, this was a learning experience. See how you have grown already from this> you can see these old patterns and behaviors and you have a choice now my friend...

Take your time bro, you are doing good work. >;) Cal
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline digital_phreedom

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2010, 01:06:02 PM »
Thank you all for the support and encouragement.. I woke up feeling MUCH better this morning... For some reason the booze brought back some of the old feelings for my ex that I've been struggling with. So that's been kind of tricky.. Especially because we're getting along again, and she's been.. well I guess it's not really flirting, but ya know.. little stuff, like laughing at my jokes again, or playfully poking me in the ribs, when we're together so I can see my daughter.. My boosters have really helped me in dealing with that stuff, and as I get further away from my last booster I can start to tell.. But I'll boost again soon and that should help..

Also, I think the only way I'm going to be able to work out my flood is if my ex is the one who sits for me. She's willing, and since we're getting along again I think it could work. We've used psychedelics together plenty in the past, so I know I'll feel comfortable. I'm a little nervous about it. But it's going to work out how it's supposed to.

And yeah, anyway.. I do feel much better today. I was kinda sad when I posted last night, and beating myself up a bit. But I can write it off as a lesson learned. I have a wedding to goto today... So, more peer pressure, hmphh... But I think it will be ok. I'm a single guy, and I've seen wedding crashers, so I think I know how to handle this.. Haha.. No but really, thanks everyone. Will keep you all posted.

You give me strength!
Embrace this moment, remember: We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

Offline x

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2010, 04:17:03 PM »
Time for an update....:)

With ex gf as a sitter, we do what we need to do. I'm not sure that she will be the safest emotional choice for you.
If you have a relationship where she was already your caretaker, it could be okay, I s'pose. If you were the caretaker, it might be tricky. It's hard if one person is used to relying on the other and that other is in total need. I've seen this in a couple tx where the significant other becomes frustrated at having to be so 'on'. You don't want someone who is frustrated to be taking care of you. What do you think?

Talk soon,
Tia

fallout330

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2010, 04:43:53 PM »
Good sense Tia!  :D

Offline digital_phreedom

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Re: damnit...
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2010, 06:18:01 PM »
That's a good point Tia.. Our relationship was pretty complicated.. She has serious anger issues stemming from her childhood, and she's completely driven on impulse. So in the beginning it was me helping her out the most. But the majority of our relationship it was the other way around simply because I was shooting heroin every day. So blah, I dunno..

But don't worry, I'm not gonna rush it.. Though I do really want to do my flood this weekend.. I'm sure I'll know if the time is right or not. I was gonna do it Sunday, but now I found out we may not be able to find anyone to watch our daughter, so the universe might be helping me with the decision.. And after the wonderful booster I had yesterday, I won't be too disappointed if I have to wait on the flood and keep boosting for a little bit.. I'm sure I'll get exactly what I need. Thanks for your insights though.. Just because I'm doing better now than I have in a long time, that doesn't mean I'll catch everything myself.. So I'm very grateful to have a group of like-minded and supportive people to bounce ideas off of.
Embrace this moment, remember: We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion.