Topic: Taking a taste of your DOC for old times sake?

[d00d557]

Even after two ibogaine sessions I was incredibly ignorant in believing that I could return to my DOC without loosing control.  That is a complete lie I know now. 

It's just confusing to me how this thread started off being about the incredible risk an opiate user takes when he/she tries to start using again, and has somehow turned in to a thread about being able to successfully "chip" after having had Iboga treatments.

While I don't doubt GratefulDad at all when he says that he is capable of using opiates and not returning to full-blown addiction, I think it's important to recognize how incredibly rare that is.

When I mentioned that I've been using here and there, I wasn't trying to say "Hey look at me! I'm using but I'm still ok!".. What I was saying is "Hey look at me! I was great for 6 months after Iboga, I thought I was "cured", my cravings were gone and everything.. And it only took a couple weeks of taking painkillers to lose all that serenity and start feeling like an addict again!". I'm saying that it doesn't work for me, Iboga or not.. I can't do it.

And even chipping isn't something to be taken lightly, if done successfully or not.. This type of addiction is life or death.. A post or two ago I mentioned that I lost another friend to an overdose on February 2nd.. Well, and this is no lie.. Last night I got a call from another friend, and found out another friend of mine had died! A girl that I used to go to raves to a lot had just gotten out of rehab 3 days ago, and she died last night.. Overdosed on heroin.

For me it isn't worth it.. It's just not. And the thought of becoming fully addicted again scares the shit out of me. No one here can tell you what to do d00d, but it seems like the advice across the board here in mostly unanimous that using again, any opiate, is probably a bad decision, and dangerous. I'm glad that you posted the thread though, as these are some of the most important conversations that I think take place on these boards.

So please keep us posted on your progress and let us know how you're doing. Also, thank you for the kind words you said to me.. I appreciate your concern. I'm planning another flood again soon, which I'm sure will help.. But for me at this point, a lot of what I need to do, I think, is just grow up some more.. I'm 24 now and too old to be wasting my time and money on opiates. It's not fun for me anymore and I know how stupid it is. I will be keeping people posted on my status as well.

Like I said, I haven't developed a tolerance at this point.. I'm not getting sick. I'm just stuck in a state of mind where, when I'm around opiates, I don't have the strength to turn them down.. Which is nothing like where I was, but I go from zero to junkie very quickly.

<3

I understand man.  I remember just how hard it was to say no when I was back home in those dark times.  It's amazing how all that can change if you have enough time away from it.  Also i'm only 19 so if anything I have some growing up to do:  Jesus, sorry to hear about your other friend.  Appalling how people on this drug drop like flies.  Should serve as a warning though.  I have a friend that started doing heroin with me last year and I haven't heard from him in months.  Chances are he is dead as well.  After your flood you have to stay the fuck away from opiates in thought and in action as you well know.  As I said I have NO IDEA how I would have beat this had I not been out of town.  I have been living with my family in mexico since July.  I can attest that this little detail goes a long way in your sobriety.  The temptation is too strong when you are in such a fragile state after a flood. Well the following days.  Yes please do update.  I will update this thread next week after I have dosed. 

[d00d557]

well,good luck then let us know how it works out.

reading your above post,i can only reiterate what i mentioned.

if i were on a tightrope,and the slightest mistake would cause me to plummet,i would be carefuly examining
my motivation for one more one last time.

and it does sound ironic that you plan to put everything in jeopardy,but if the opiates have lost their power over you
then you have no thing to worry about.

unless,as you eluded to,this turns out to be more than a recreational dose....

oh,wait,nevermind....the opiates lost their power over you.

man,im not trying to be an asshole here,i am trying to help shine some light on something that your addiction
doesnt want light shined on....trying to help you see the holes in your logic.

i have been there man,you know,you kind of recognize something when you have seen it before.

best of luck to you.

Nah it's cool I understand.  Due to all the evidence in other people's past I see where you are coming from.  The evidence doesn't support the notion of a former addict using once more without falling in the pit.   

[digital_phreedom]

Yeah d00d.. just please keep us updated. I guess the main thing I want to say to you is that I went through a time after my first Iboga experiences where I felt cured.. I felt like I wasn't an addict anymore, and I could use from time to time just like a "normal" person.. But for me anyway, that feeling is only fleeting.. It was just a feeling.. Unfortunately I'm still an addict... And I always will be, Iboga or not. So even though you may feel completely different, and having all that time away from using certainly gives you more confidence and makes you feel stronger.. but how can you be sure it's not an illusion?

And 19? Yeah you're so young man... I'm 24 now and it took me 6 years to finally get off heroin.. I think it's harder for us younger folk.

[achtwan]

falling into the pit?

or jumping into the pit?

[achtwan]

and yes it is appalling how people on this drug drop like flies.

it should serve as a warning.

these are your own words.

do you think you are exempt from dropping like a flie from an overdose?

imho,you should go back and re read your posts in this thread.

you contradict yourself all over the place,to convince yourself that to prove to yourself you really are better you
are going to get high again to prove it.
this is not logic.
it is the demon you have been trying to vanquish,coming in the backdoor.

you are playing yourself man.

so,what is your criteria for success?

"hey,i really handled that well...i could do that again,even though i was doing this to prove that i CAN not do this stuff.."

trying to be honest,and a little blunt with you.......

if i were you,i would be putting this energy into another iboga treatment,or at least some boosters man.

be careful out there.

[GratefulDad]

That has been my feeling throughout this thread.  I tried to make it clear in my posts, but when I was 19, I don't think I was ready to listen either..  Best of luck!

[digital_phreedom]

That's exactly what I was trying to get at guys.. The general feeling of this thread seems to be about someone trying to convince themselves that they're ok to start using again, and that it will be fine this time.. It just worries me because I can relate so much to that feeling.

But, I think threads like these are probably some of the most important ones we have on this board. Keep the conversation going!

[achtwan]

couldnt agree more.

it has been years since i have had any thought to use opiates,and i realize i am in
a small,lucky minority.

however,i have been through the hell and misery many times,and will never forget what it
was like.

i hope i didnt come off like a dick on my post,but you are a young man,and sometimes you have to
remove the sugar to try to get a point across.

try a little game.
entertain the thought of not going through with your plan to get a nod one last time.
play it out in your mind,consider the idea.

approach it like a meditation,or role play.
pay close attention to how you feel,and how your body responds while you explore this concept.

be honest with yourself about how this idea makes you feel,if there is no problem to come from your plan,then
it shouldnt be a problem to just scratch it right?

i am no psychoanalyst,or psycho anything,except psychonaut,just trying to help you out with some things that have helped me.
you are a young man,barely two years older than i was when i joined the service in 89....
you have a hopefully long life ahead of you,im just trying to kick a little wisdom,and advice your way,minus the price i had to pay to attain it.

best wishes.