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Offline mushroom

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my ibogaine experience
« on: March 25, 2010, 07:58:26 PM »
It has been about a month and a half since I took ibogaine HCL and there have been many aborted attempts to write about the experience. I think it is because for an experience so monumental, so incredible words can not do justice. So this is in no way a full report, even to this day I recall visions and insights that I had forgotten.
    Just for a little back round, I am a man in my late 20s. I had been addicted to opiates for about 10 years, first to heroin, then on to the methadone clinic and finally for the last 3 years I have been on suboxone. During this entire time I had only been clean for about 2 weeks.
    My wife and I both had been wanting to do ibogaine to kick our sub habits for many months. We talked to many, many different providers and treatment centers. We had treatments set up, and then canceled, we had enough money and then we had other things to spend the money on. It was really up and down for about six months until we finally got ahold of 3g of ibogaine HCL.
    We had decided our best bet was to just do it on our own, at home. Having her 'sit' for my trip, and once I was on my feet she went for hers. We were discouraged from doing this by many people, but ultimately it was the best decision we could have made. There is nothing like the comfort of your own home.
    We were also discouraged from using the ibogaine to directly detox from suboxone. Everyone said you should switch to a short acting opiate for at least a few weeks. We tried to maintain on heroin for a few weeks, but it was a dream. Who can actually maintain on heroin?
    So I quit taking my 1 to 2mg daily dose of suboxone for about 48 hours before dosing. It was early evening and I felt like absolute hell. Unfortunately we didn't have a scale that measured small enough weights, so we had to eye out the dose. Something I thought I would come to regret, but in hindsight I am very happy we had to do it this way.
    I put about a heroin packets worth(I was always told a packet was about 100mg) in a gelcap for a test dose and then filled up two other gel caps about half or three quarters full. I took the test dose and laid down in bed. My wife smudged me and the room with sage and I focused my intention as much as possible. I was hoping to quit the suboxone, smoking tobacco, refined sugar and to cut back on my marijuana intake.
    After an hour or so my wife came back and gave me the rest of my dose. I was still feeling pretty bad, but perhaps a bit better with the test dose. I felt like I should buckle in for a wild ride, but I was mistaken.
    That night I took too little, I would guess around 500mg. After some hours past I was seeing some very minor visons of which I don't remember too clearly. It was sort of a mid-evil European theme with some alchemy symbols and experiments thrown in for good measure. I do remember feeling my body being cleaned, organ by organ, especially the colon and bladder. And now that I think of it purging was sort of a theme too(of the visions, for I did not purge from one end or the other that night).
    My wife checked on me a few times over the course of the night. Each time I wanted to ask her to give me more, I knew it wasn't enough, but I didn't. I felt relief from the withdrawals, but I was still very restless. I just wanted to sleep(yeah right) and I knew if I took more I would not sleep any sooner.
    I got up before dawn and could walk around without too much trouble. I felt quite good physically and was glad to be out of bed. I watched the sun rise and ate some fruit. It was also at this time I smoked a cigarette(old habits die hard).
    The day went on and the ataxia wore off, I was still feeling some slight withdrawls, but nothing compared to the day before. I went outside and shoveled snow from the driveway and did some other fairly physical labor around the house. My wife was amazed at the way I bounced back.
     Later that evening my symptoms started coming back in a pretty major way. Intense aching in my legs was the worst. I took a hot bath and got some temporary relief. But by the time midnight rolled around I was in misery.
    For a number of hours I was kicking around the idea of taking more. I knew it wasn't enough, but since we just eyeballed it there was no telling. Just after midnight I eyed out about double what I had just taken the day before.
     I laid down again and almost immediately I could tell this was going to be very different. It began with a warmth starting in my solar plexus, eventually moving to all parts of my body. It was intensely pleasurable.
     I closed my eyes and saw the familiar sort of electric waves from the night before. Soon I was concentrating on a single point of orangish red light. The light turned into an eye, and then two eyes.
    The night before I saw these two eyes, but I was afraid and tried to avert from them. They did not reappear, and all day I had regretted not facing them. Now I was confident I was ready to see and around the eyes a face was formed.
     It was a black man with tribal patterns painted on his face. He was lit up as if in fire light, as if we were standing on opposite sides of a fire. He sort of danced around, smiling and laughing knowingly. Beckoning me me follow him, not to any physical place, but to allow him to enter me.
    I gladly accepted and he began communicating with me telepathically. It is a strange thing, I never heard his voice, it was my voice the entire time talking to myself in my head. But I understood that he was the one behind it.
    I asked him who he was and he told me he was the spirit of iboga. I asked why he was there and he told me he was the first human to ever try iboga. The gods then sort of trapped him in the plant as a guide for all others who may take the plant in the future.
    He continued to dance around the fire manifesting different colors and shapes as if to impress me. I didn't doubt his power, but it was as if he had to prove it to me. At this point the visions really went into overdrive. My wife checked on me about two hours into it and I told her "I am being shown all the secrets of the universe!"
     The speed and intensity of the visions increased. I saw so many things, and I don't mind admitting I didn't really understand in my brain what they all meant. I did however understand in my heart, and since then I have recalled many of those visions and put the meaning together.
    One of the most often reoccurring, most intense and enigmatic visions was of a giant and infinitely complex sort of pinball machine. The ball would bounce around off different points and end up at the top where there was a sort of victorious sound and pleasurable flashing of lights. Every time the ball would reach it's goal I felt intense waves of pleasure.
    Eventually the game became sort of redundant. The ball was hitting the pleasure spot with such frequency it no longer had such a nice effect. The game went on for what seemed like hours and would reoccur at certain points later in the night. At the time I had not the slightest idea of what it meant, I thought he was just trying to impress me with his power.
    Looking back I understand. Drugs were like a very fun game for a time in my life. Just bouncing around, hitting that pleasure spot. But the more you play the same game, the more you tire of it. It becomes a boring sort of exercise. A frivolous pursuit, with no real gain.
    After about 4 hours my wife checked on me again, I told her just to go back to bed and not worry about me. I knew I would be fine and wanted to get really personal with my soul, without interruption.
     The following visions are not in any real order, for it has been some time now since the experience. But these are the ones that really stuck with me, the ones I understood immediately and the ones that gave me the strength to prevail through all of this.
    On of the biggest impacting visions was of the cycle of birth, life, death and re-birth. I was shown many different examples of it, from the microcosm(bacterium and mycelium growing and decaying) to the macro(entire universes and stars being born/dying) and everything in between(us and other animals).
     I don't remember a starting point.(many people say they saw Adam and Eve(my wife did) but I recall an infinitely expanding picture of humanity. Babies turning into children, into adults, into elders and then death. But it never ended, it was like they were multiplying exponentially, one on top of the other, the bodies became so dense my view had to move backward to fit all of them into my plain of vision. They never stopped expanding, to infinity.
    The infinite was an extremely prominent theme. I don't recall seeing the symbol of the oraborus, but the idea was constantly in the front of my mind.
    Between visions the spirit of iboga would return and help give me insights into what I just saw. It was a very valuable teaching tool, I would be in total awe of the splendor and complexity of the vision, and I understood it immediately in my heart, but then he would come and help clarify it in my head.
     He had an interesting humor about him too. Even when he was showing me horrible events and traumatic experiences, he had a sort of easiness about him, he laughed and smiled often. And even when he was serious he had a way of comforting me.
    I traveled through the universe, past planets and stars through pure dark space. I would stop off on different planets and observe how similar to earth they were. I was not shown any inhospitable or otherwise scary planets. There was human and animal life similar to ours but different in small ways. I heard different languages, some of the earth and some not, but I understood them all.
    I took this to mean that life is universal. Not that there are some crazy aliens on other planets(although there may be) but that we are connected to the entire infinite thing. A piece of us is in every star, planet, asteroid, etc and in us there is a piece of everything in the universe.
    I was shown the recent history of man on earth. From tribal life to burgeoning cities, to exploration of unknown countries, all the way up to modern times. I was made to understand that this is all just a cycle of life too, as the seed of plant germinates, breaches the soil, thrives in the sun and rain to ultimately wither and die, providing seed and fertilizing the soil for the next generation.
     There was defiantly a strong theme of imperial domination. I saw the whole planet with the various flags of the countries sticking out as if on a map. The united states flag began to replace many of the original flags until it dominated the entire globe.
     For many years I have been far left wing. Making the transition from democrat to socialist to anarchist. The imperial motif was presented in such a way that I accepted it. Not that I necessarily now support US global domination, but I understand it as a natural cycle. What is the use in fighting such a thing?
     I was also shown horrible atrocities. Not done by any specific country, but just general war, genocide, rape, torture, oppression, slavery. Basically pure evil, things that used to eat away at my soul. I would get all upset about the evil in the world, but through these horrible visions I was made to understand that it is just part of the world. The universe is in perfect balance, by definition it must be in balance.
     I understood that there is no right or wrong, it is all subjective. There is light and dark, good and evil, and for one to exist the other must exist too. This was one of the greatest insights given to me. As I mentioned before I used to get so depressed about all the evil in the world, but I came to understand that it is an essential part of the universe. The best a person can do is live their life striving for one or the other, both are valid.
     Maybe I should mention I choose the light.
     Equals and opposites were probably the most major theme. In direct opposition to the war and death was the eternal life motif of the families multiplying. I understood them both to be natural forces of the universe, one as valid as the other.
     The idea of 'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.' Was planted in me. Before the experience that was about the extent of my knowledge of Aleister Crowley. Just that he said that famous quote and he was a famous mystic. I must thank the spirit of iboga for inspiring me to investigate Crowley further. Much of what I have learned from his books since then makes a great deal of sense in the context of my visions.
     To be more specific, I understood that free will was the only real law. Every person ultimately has the free will to create their own universe. So in this case every person is divine, we are the creators of our own reality. Before the experience I had little conception of the god within me. I understood it in my head, but not my heart where it really counts.
     I was shown many events from my past, mostly from young childhood. I don't want to charcterize them as 'bad' but perhaps traumatic. It gave me insights into how these events shaped me as a person, and perhaps how I was not letting go of them. How they lingered deep within me, and set the stage for maladjustment which manifested as addiction in later life.
     However I should say there were no feelings of regret, sadness or pain. It was just like a lesson. It was me as a child in the visions, but I was somehow emotionally disconnected and therefor able to understand the experience and deal with it.
     This was one of the most valuable things about the experience. How I was shown all these things, and could instantly understand and come to terms with them. It was as if I was being shown the story of someone else's life, it was me, but I was outside of myself looking in. Without the personal emotional connection it was much easier accept.


This is just part one, I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Nganga Nobunoni +

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2010, 06:19:28 AM »
HaHa!!
Aum Ha
Good to See another made it and also bought back some Truth's!
Know Thyself through Love and use Freedom Of Intent Wisely!

Basse'

Light in Self Knowledge'

Nobu +

I am the Snake that giveth Knowledge & Delight and bright glory, and stir the hearts of men with drunkenness. To worship me take wine and strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They shall not harm ye at all. It is a lie, this folly against self. The exposure of innocence is a lie. Be strong, o man! lust, enjoy all things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for this.


Ankh-f-n-khonsu +

Offline harveyplex

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2010, 09:06:01 AM »
Man  Mushroom !!
I experience  similar themes in my journey .
I am glad this experience was a profound one.
journey on brother and thank you for sharing.
much love and respect -
harvey plex

Offline Calaquendi

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Re:my ibogaine experience
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2010, 11:50:21 AM »
Greetings, mushroom! So glad your journey was a positive one! What a fantastic write up!

So many of the themes you described are what I have come to regard as 'essential iboga' - the things that describe it's unique signature so succinctly and are (in many ways) the sole domain of this medicine. Other entheogens can show us sights/visions like this...but only eboka does so in the ways it does. "The eyes of the child see no wrong..." to quote a favorite song.

The theme of the Ourorboros (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ouroboros) is something that has come to mean a great deal to me as well...

"This is necessary - life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life..." The whole thing is just too glorious for words. When we realize ancient, ultimate truths, everything pales by comparison. I am so happy for you! Man - I was thinking about you lately and wondering how things were...this is just too much! Good for you brother!

Thanks for taking the time for such a detailed write up for us - I know how hard that can be. It took me over a week to be able to catch up on the computer at all and even longer to make some comprehensive 'sense' of all I experienced. It sounds like you got it my friend. How is your wife? Did she have a similar experience?

Wishing you both joy and peace - and please please stick around! Cal

            
RISE, RUN, FEED, RIPEN, WOUND, WITHER, FALL, RISE AGAIN...
« Last Edit: March 26, 2010, 12:04:12 PM by calaquendi »
" I am you and what I see is me..."

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2010, 02:51:41 PM »
Mr. Mushroom,

I am so glad that you survived the experience and returned to tell us about it!  I recall several dire warnings in response to your initial questions.  I am interested in hearing about what you think about them, now that you have had the Eboka experience.

As for Ouroboros, it can symbolize several things.  One thing that it signifies to me is self-awareness.  My first accessible memory was lying on top of a bassinet after being bathed, probably around the age of one.  I remember sticking my big toe in my mouth, and it was like completing a circuit  --  all of a sudden I became aware of myself as a distinct being.  It's like previously, all the sensations in the various parts of my body were a mystery.  But my mouth was aware of my toe, and my toe could sense my mouth.  Eureka!  They must be connected!

Good to have you back!

Eon

PS  --  While perusing the wiki article Cal so thoughtfully provided a link to, I found the following line drawing.  It occurred to me that it might make an excellent avatar.  e
« Last Edit: March 27, 2010, 03:42:04 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline mushroom

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2010, 05:00:19 PM »
As far as the dire warnings I don't want to sound like I am flaunting or anything, but from what my wife and I experienced this substance seems very safe. If I was much older and had a heart condition I would think twice I'm sure.

I mean, African's have been taking it for ages. Laying down on cement floors in a thin robe, freezing cold, shaman shoving more and more down your throat. And they give it to pre-teens even, elderly. Seems to me the dangers are way overblown.

I don't regret not having someone play shaman either, seems like that was built right into the root it's self.

Not quitting the subs for longer was not wise. I can't relate it to how it would have felt just coming off heroin or morphine, but it was pretty uncomfortable for a week or so. It took about a month to start sleeping through the night, but it wasn't a big deal. Basically there were some residual w/d's, but I was so inspired by the experience I didn't even consider taking opiates for relief.

Offline Eon T McKnight

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2010, 05:31:39 PM »
Yeah, I can agree with all you said, except for the part about suboxone, which I thankfully have never experienced.

While I expect that you were very glad to have your wife there to help you stagger to the bathroom, I feel that Eboka is far less dangerous than taking a bell-ringer off a crakk pipe or a rig full of H in the arm.  What I would like to see, though, is the guy at the liquor store saying "Hey buddy, you know this shit could kill you?" before he sold you that pint of whiskey...

Eboka:  A wise, gentle and helpful friend.

~et
« Last Edit: March 27, 2010, 05:33:22 PM by Eon T McKnight »

Offline x

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Re: my ibogaine experience
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2010, 01:19:21 AM »
Oh it's so good, good, good to hear from you.

I am so interested in part two, and to hear about your wife if she wants to let that be shared.

I know I cautioned you about safety and sitter, and I'm so glad your experience went well without it. My home experience was what I needed, too, but next time I'll have an experienced sitter.
Just some things that would be better to me with someone who knows what to expect, and can guide the experience.

On safety, in Africa there is always some ritual around the eating. The west may not think much of ritual as a safety measure, but it's still real. Intention is really important, too, and from our earlier talks I remember you were approaching with frim intention the whole time Ibo was on it's way.

Funny that it took awhile. I keep seeing how Ibo seems to have it's own timeline. That the time you take it turns out to be perfect, though.

I have been noticing that people who are familiar with plant teachers already seem to go quite deep with Iboga.

I know what you mean about having a hard time talking about it. I think we all go through that. It's a big effin deal, to be sure.

Oh, heck, just really good to hear from you, Mr Mushroom.

Love and roots,
B